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Cactus Jokes

What do you call a human that's now a cactus?

A transplant.

There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!

The other goes What Cactussssss

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What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?

A megalo-sore-.

This was my sisters favorite joke to tell in high school. May she Rest In Peace: What’s the difference between a cactus and a teachers lounge?

The teachers lounge has all the pricks on the inside.

What’s the opposite of a cactus?

A BMW, it has its pricks on the inside.

I wish I could be your cactus...

So I could stick something in you every time you touch me.

What's the difference between a school bus and a cactus?

A cactus keeps the little pricks on the outside.

You know why I HATE cactuses?

They're pricks.

Look Honey, a cactus!

I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving....

Never go on a date with a cactus

They'll spike your drink

The bad news is, I dropped my cactus today

The worse news is that I caught it

What do you call a rude cactus?

A

I’m deeply sorry

A cactus walks into a bar

The cactus sits down and orders a tequila neat and proceeds to have 4 or 5 in a row. The cactus is pretty chill, handling his own until he sees a young couple at the end of the bar getting pretty hot and heavy. The young lady goes to the bathroom and the cactus calls over the young man and buys him...

What did the blind man say to the cactus?

You !

I think there's something wrong with this cactus I am growing.

I just can't put my finger on it.

What did the cactus say to the balloon?

Nothing, they cant talk.

cactus' are idiots

They are a bunch of pricks

What did the cactus say on Easter?

" you, Lent!!"

Are you a cactus?

Because you're a

When my sister was 5 she made up this one: WHY DID THE CACTUS CROSS THE ROAD?

Because it was stuck to the chicken!

Why did the cactus storm out the bar?

Someone called him a .

Why are coyotes howling in the night?

Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.

What did the selfish prickly plant say to the others?

It’s Cact-**I** not Cactus

Or What’s a communists favorite plant…The cact**US**

Did you hear about the cactus that went to the party?

He spiked the drinks.

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What do you call a potted cactus that has grown in the shape of a ?

A dildon't

My dad told me this one

Did you hear about the mean cactus? He was a real

Apparently Trump's family tree looks like a cactus

Everybody on it is a

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A man tried to have with a angry cactus

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through the desert when they stop to take a break.

The Lone Ranger has to take a wiz, so he whips it out and starts on a cactus. Suddenly, a rattlesnake jumps out and bites him on the . The Lone Ranger yells to Tonto, Hurry! Go to that nearby town, find the doctor, and tell him I have been bit by a rattler!

Tonto gallops to the...

Here’s a joke my 5yo told us last night

What do you call a pineapple with no yellow part?

A cactus.

What an deceiving world we live in

Said the hedgehog while getting down from the cactus.

The cactus outside my home won't stop judging my sudden weight gain

He's honestly such a about it.

I was thinking of joining the Hug-A-Cactus foundation but

I hear they deal with alot of pricks.

A grumpy, drunken, old cowboy was riding his horse near the Mexican border when he noticed it chewing on a strange, stout cactus.

Before long, the pony started behaving strangely, walking slowly and irregularly and not responding to the cowboys commands.
The cowboy became progressively more frustrated, as well as more drunk and more mean as he continued to glug himself into the depths of his whiskey bottle.
The horse ev...

If you give a cactus a quarter...

It will gamble for a day. If you give a cactus a job, it will gamble its wife and kids away.

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus.

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A man was crossing the desert with his camel and his dog, when suddenly ..

the camel asked him "are you sure we're heading in the right direction ?"

Freaked out by the talking camel, he ran away, threw himself behind a nearby cactus. The dog freaked out too and followed his master. As he was catching his breath, the dog asked : "what did that say ?"

Disappointed by my family tree

Turns out it is a cactus, there's a on every branch.

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A man brings home a X-Mas tree...

"Oh boy, this place looks amaaaazing! It is cozy and warm, so much better than the forest in which I grew up! What are those? kids? I love kids! and they are giving me clothes! Those balls are a bit heavy but they make for some really pretty earings. And those scarfs are so lustruous I wanna cry. Th...

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the desert...

The Lone Ranger gets off his horse for a piss by a cactus. Suddenly, a rattle snake lunges out and bites him right on the . Tonto hears him scream and comes running over. He's lying there on his back, moaning in pain.

Tonto says, "I'll ride back to that native village we passed a while a...

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A bored man on a train...

A bored man on a train walks up to 3 people sitting next to each other. Deciding to troll them, he says to the first guy, "Hey, what's your favorite flower?" "A rose," the first man says. The troll says, "Oh, we wipe our with that flower in my country." He asks the next man the same question."A ...

The longest joke in the world

From: http://longestjokeintheworld.com/

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again....

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Two guys and a snake ....

This is a true story.
Two good friends, Jerry and Ralph, were out walking in the desert one day when Jerry goes off behind a cactus to take a leak. While he's draining his bladder a snake leaps up and bites him on the end of his . Ralph on hearing Jerry's scream runs over and says, "What ha...

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An Arab Sheikh Is Crossing The Desert To Negotiate A Peace Treaty With A Neighbouring Tribe.

It's approximately a days walk & all he has with him are his four wives & a 2 gallon flask of water to prevent dehydration for the journey. So, he walks a few hundred yards....has a sip of water....another few hundred....another sip & so on until the inevitable happens, he MUST take a le...

If Mexican restaurants have taught me anything

it’s that people in Mexico only sleep with their back to a cactus while wearing a forward slanted sombrero.
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