This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old Russian Communist is on his deathbed.

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Vasya, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy." says Vasya.

The Communist then ...

What does a cactus and the Kardashian family have in common?

They're both full of pricks

Whats the difference between a school bus and a cactus?

With a cactus the little pricks are on the outside.

What do you call a hypocritical cactus

A prick

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the Cactus cross the road?

Cause it was stuck to the chicken’s butt.

What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?

A megalo-sore-ass.

I dropped my cactus the other day

Worst part is, I caught it

The cactus outside my home won't stop judging my sudden weight gain

He's honestly such a prick about it.

What do you call a human that's now a cactus?

A transplant.

I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...

But I can't put my finger on it.

What did the cactus wear with their suit?

A cactie.

This was my sisters favorite joke to tell in high school. May she Rest In Peace: What’s the difference between a cactus and a teachers lounge?

The teachers lounge has all the pricks on the inside.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Do one thing everyday that scares you." -Eleanor Roosevelt

Today, I will fuck a cactus.

There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!

The other goes What Cactussssss

Never go on a date with a cactus

They'll spike your drink

Apparently Trump's family tree looks like a cactus

Everybody on it is a prick

Look Honey, a cactus!

I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving....

Bob the cactus is talking to his wife, Mandy.

Mandy says: "You're so selfish. You have to remember that it's cact-US."

Bob responds: "Actually, the plural of cactus is catc-I."

I asked my friend "do you like my shirt with pictures of cactuses?"

He said "cacti"

"never mind the tie, what do you think of the shirt?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a potted cactus that has grown in the shape of a penis?

A dildon't

Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus

They say its bark is worse than its bite.

What did the cactus say to his wife?

'Aloe Vera!

I was thinking of joining the Hug-A-Cactus foundation but

I hear they deal with alot of pricks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man tried to have sex with a angry cactus

Fucking prick

Did you hear about the cactus that went to the party?

He spiked the drinks.

Hey man, how much for the goth cucumber?

Sir, that's a cactus.

Disappointed by my family tree

Turns out it is a cactus, there's a prick on every branch.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The ...

The longest joke in the world

From: http://longestjokeintheworld.com/

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again....

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Devil captures a Pole, a German and a Russian...

...and orders each one of them to find a flower. Since there's no point in arguing with the goddamn Devil, they split in their search for their own plant. After a couple of hours, the Pole comes back with a tulip, German with a Rose and Russian is nowhere to be seen yet. The Devil decides not to wai...

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A Russian general returns from an inspection trip.

Immediately, he requests an experienced typist:

"Vera Ivanovna, I need to issue an order concerning the state of military discipline. Are you ready? Very well, let's begin."

He paces the office and dictates:

"YOU GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKERS!"

Typist: "Comrades officers,"
...

A troll is guarding a bridge across a long river.

Translated from Polish.

3 men want to cross the bridge. The troll says to go off and come back with their favourite plant.

The first man comes back with a tulip. The troll tells the man to shove it up his ass. He does, then crosses the bridge.

The second man comes back with a...

If Mexican restaurants have taught me anything

it’s that people in Mexico only sleep with their back to a cactus while wearing a forward slanted sombrero.

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But you can.

Not every flower can bloom, but a rose can. Not every plant can survive without rain, but a cactus can. And not every retard can read, but look at you! Go little buddy go!

(sorry if repost, first post on this sub)

My dad told me this one.

Now, I'm not cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one.

Stupid Q & A Jokes

Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

A. He wanted cold hard cash!


Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

A. "Is that you mommy?"


Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A. Frostbite.


Q. How do crazy people go...

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Two guys and a snake ....

This is a true story.
Two good friends, Jerry and Ralph, were out walking in the desert one day when Jerry goes off behind a cactus to take a leak. While he's draining his bladder a snake leaps up and bites him on the end of his dick. Ralph on hearing Jerry's scream runs over and says, "What ha...

Snail and Turtle

A snail and a turtle are lost in the desert and of course they are very thirsty. One day they see something shimmering far away. It takes them weeks to get to the spot but they find a full bottle of coke. Problem is how to open it.
First the snail tries with its little mouth but nothing happens. ...

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A bored man on a train...

A bored man on a train walks up to 3 people sitting next to each other. Deciding to troll them, he says to the first guy, "Hey, what's your favorite flower?" "A rose," the first man says. The troll says, "Oh, we wipe our ass with that flower in my country." He asks the next man the same question."A ...