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Cactus Jokes

What do you call a human that's now a cactus?

A transplant.

There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!

The other goes What Cactussssss

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What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?

A megalo-sore-ass.

I wish I could be your cactus...

So I could stick something in you every time you touch me.

This was my sisters favorite joke to tell in high school. May she Rest In Peace: What’s the difference between a cactus and a teachers lounge?

The teachers lounge has all the pricks on the inside.

What do you call a rude cactus?

A prick

I’m deeply sorry

What's the difference between a school bus and a cactus?

A cactus keeps the little pricks on the outside.

You know why I HATE cactuses?

They're pricks.

Look Honey, a cactus!

I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving....

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What's the difference between a cactus and a dildo?

The level of determination required.

Never go on a date with a cactus

They'll spike your drink

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What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis

Dildon’t!

The bad news is, I dropped my cactus today

The worse news is that I caught it

What’s the opposite of a cactus?

A BMW, it has its pricks on the inside.

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

cactus' are idiots

They are a bunch of pricks

What did the blind man say to the cactus?

You prick!

I think there's something wrong with this cactus I am growing.

I just can't put my finger on it.

What did the cactus say to the balloon?

Nothing, they cant talk.

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"Do one thing everyday that scares you." -Eleanor Roosevelt

Today, I will fuck a cactus.

A cactus walks into a bar

The cactus sits down and orders a tequila neat and proceeds to have 4 or 5 in a row. The cactus is pretty chill, handling his own until he sees a young couple at the end of the bar getting pretty hot and heavy. The young lady goes to the bathroom and the cactus calls over the young man and buys him...

What did the cactus say on Easter?

"Suck you, Lent!!"

Are you a cactus?

Because you're a prick

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attit...

Why did the cactus storm out the bar?

Someone called him a prick.

When my sister was 5 she made up this one: WHY DID THE CACTUS CROSS THE ROAD?

Because it was stuck to the chicken!

What did the selfish prickly plant say to the others?

It’s Cact-**I** not Cactus

Or What’s a communists favorite plant…The cact**US**

Why are coyotes howling in the night?

Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.

Apparently Trump's family tree looks like a cactus

Everybody on it is a prick

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A man tried to have sex with a angry cactus

Fucking prick

Did you hear about the cactus that went to the party?

He spiked the drinks.

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through the desert when they stop to take a break.

The Lone Ranger has to take a wiz, so he whips it out and starts pissing on a cactus. Suddenly, a rattlesnake jumps out and bites him on the dick. The Lone Ranger yells to Tonto, Hurry! Go to that nearby town, find the doctor, and tell him I have been bit by a rattler!

Tonto gallops to the...

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What do you call a potted cactus that has grown in the shape of a penis?

A dildon't

My dad told me this one

Did you hear about the mean cactus? He was a real prick

Here’s a joke my 5yo told us last night

What do you call a pineapple with no yellow part?

A cactus.

What an deceiving world we live in

Said the hedgehog while getting down from the cactus.

The cactus outside my home won't stop judging my sudden weight gain

He's honestly such a prick about it.

I was thinking of joining the Hug-A-Cactus foundation but

I hear they deal with alot of pricks.

A grumpy, drunken, old cowboy was riding his horse near the Mexican border when he noticed it chewing on a strange, stout cactus.

Before long, the pony started behaving strangely, walking slowly and irregularly and not responding to the cowboys commands.
The cowboy became progressively more frustrated, as well as more drunk and more mean as he continued to glug himself into the depths of his whiskey bottle.
The horse ev...

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To my girlfriend, I love you so much I'd die for you if necessary, I'd walk across a desert for you,

I'd stick my dick in a cactus for you, I'd have sex with a disease filled hooker for you and in fact I did so I hope you appreciate it.

If you give a cactus a quarter...

It will gamble for a day. If you give a cactus a job, it will gamble its wife and kids away.

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus.

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A man was crossing the desert with his camel and his dog, when suddenly ..

the camel asked him "are you sure we're heading in the right direction ?"

Freaked out by the talking camel, he ran away, threw himself behind a nearby cactus. The dog freaked out too and followed his master. As he was catching his breath, the dog asked : "what did that asshole say ?"

Disappointed by my family tree

Turns out it is a cactus, there's a prick on every branch.

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A man brings home a X-Mas tree...

"Oh boy, this place looks amaaaazing! It is cozy and warm, so much better than the forest in which I grew up! What are those? kids? I love kids! and they are giving me clothes! Those balls are a bit heavy but they make for some really pretty earings. And those scarfs are so lustruous I wanna cry. Th...

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the desert...

The Lone Ranger gets off his horse for a piss by a cactus. Suddenly, a rattle snake lunges out and bites him right on the dick. Tonto hears him scream and comes running over. He's lying there on his back, moaning in pain.

Tonto says, "I'll ride back to that native village we passed a while a...

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A king was feeling merciful one day.

He decides that his dungeons are getting full so he will grant freedom to some of the prisoners upon completing a simple task.

A few prisoners get the opportunity, and the king tells them to pick their favorite plant and come and see him.

An Irish man comes to him with a clover. "All y...

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A bored man on a train...

A bored man on a train walks up to 3 people sitting next to each other. Deciding to troll them, he says to the first guy, "Hey, what's your favorite flower?" "A rose," the first man says. The troll says, "Oh, we wipe our ass with that flower in my country." He asks the next man the same question."A ...

The longest joke in the world

From: http://longestjokeintheworld.com/

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again....

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Two guys and a snake ....

This is a true story.
Two good friends, Jerry and Ralph, were out walking in the desert one day when Jerry goes off behind a cactus to take a leak. While he's draining his bladder a snake leaps up and bites him on the end of his dick. Ralph on hearing Jerry's scream runs over and says, "What ha...

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An Arab Sheikh Is Crossing The Desert To Negotiate A Peace Treaty With A Neighbouring Tribe.

It's approximately a days walk & all he has with him are his four wives & a 2 gallon flask of water to prevent dehydration for the journey. So, he walks a few hundred yards....has a sip of water....another few hundred....another sip & so on until the inevitable happens, he MUST take a le...

If Mexican restaurants have taught me anything

it’s that people in Mexico only sleep with their back to a cactus while wearing a forward slanted sombrero.

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