I saw a bloke with one arm and one leg was about to be hanged.



I started shouting out letters.

Why can’t trump be hanged?

Fake noose

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy wants to experience some deep soul searching solitude...

He manages to hire an old abandoned sheep station in outback Australia. Tens of thousands of vast empty hectares stretching out to all the horizons.

As soon as the chopper drops him off, flies away and the dust settles, the quiet falls upon him. The distance recedes out endlessly in front of...

Bought Some Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ' notice anything different about me'? Margaret looked him over. ...

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Russian grandfather tells a war story to his grandson

Once me, a British and an American soldier were conducting a secret operation in Nazi Germany. We were caught, and the Nazis gave us an ultimatum: they will fuck us in the ass and then free or we will be hanged.
The British soldier immediately agreed, he was fucked and freed. American soldier tho...

The Attorney's Wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, “What time of night to...

A miller tells the king his daughter Edith can spin straw into gold.

So the king locks Edith in a room with straw and tells her she will die if she can not spin straw into gold. After awhile a small man appears to the crying miller’s daughter.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What saddens you young girl?

EDITH: My father’s big mouth has gotten me in quite the predicame...

Newfie execution

A Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander are involved in a grisly crime and are all sentenced to death. The executioner told them that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.

Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.

The Americ...

After the brainwashing....

...the thoughts have to be hanged up to dry.

Ther was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row...

and their time was up.

In a new, enlightened program, the warden gave them a choice of three ways to die.

- To be shot

- To be hanged

- To be injected with the AIDS virus.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead instantly.)

Th...

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Mr Wright (Slightly NSFW)

Read this a while ago, still probably my favourite joke, and felt I should share it for those who haven't seen it before.
A lawyer gets home after a long trial in which it was decided his client-Mr Wright-would be hanged later that night. He is greeted at the door by his wife.
"You're home lat...

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"A razor up the queen's vagina"

In a kingdom far far away, there lived a king and a queen. The king was always under the suspicion that the queen might be cheating on him with some of the knights of his court.

One day, he needed to go to the neighbouring kingdom to meet with the king who ruled over there. Before setting of...

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An American, a Mexican, and a Canadian are all shipwrecked on a tropical island..

When they are taken captive by the local tribe. The tribal lead tells them "the bad news is, we are going to kill you. We will use your bones for our tools, your muscle for food, and your flesh for our canoes. The good news is, we will let you choose how we kill you.

The American chooses to ...

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[NSFW] A man faces judgement after stealing a loaf of bread.

He is thrown to the floor infront of a Judge, who announces, "The prisoner is to be hung, immediately". The guards pick up the man and drag him out.

A week passes and the same man is thrown infront of the Judge, having been caught stealing more bread.

"GUARDS!!" Shouts the Judge, "Em...

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Two men are sitting having coffee in a diner. One of them goes to buy lottery tickets...

Two men are sitting in the diner, having their usual morning coffee.

“Well, I’m off to buy some lottery tickets” says the first guy.

“No.” Says the second man. “You shouldn’t buy lottery tickets!”

“And why not?” asks the first guy.

“Well let me put it this way” the second...

An elderly couple is traveling around the US in their retirement.

On one of their stops, the husband, Sam bought something he always wanted - a pair of cowboy boots. As they settled in for the night in their motel, Sam tried on the boots in the bathroom and came out to show his wife, Marge.

"Notice anything different about me, Marge?"

"Nope," said M...

3 guys are sentenced to death...

They say to the first one "you can choose how you want to die: shot, hanged, or with the electric chair". He says "getting shot is too violent, and I don't want to be hanged. I choose the electric chair". He sits on it, but when they turn it on the electric chair doesn't electrocute him, so he is le...

What did the donut say to the loaf of bread?

If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn't be hanging around this hole!

American comes to Soviet Factory

Amrican delegation visits Soviet Factory. Soviet guide says to American visitors

- Soviet workers are so great, they will do anything we tell them

- [American] I don't believe it

- [Soviet guide] Watch

He lines up all workers in front of factory:

-tomorrow your pay...

Rabbi in a restaurant...

There once was a rabbi who had been a rabbi for many years and, all his life, he'd tried to be a good Jew. He obeyed the ten commandments, he read the Torah frequently and he kept kosher– but, secretly, he'd always wanted to try pork.


Everybody made so much fuss about pork and bacon and h...

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