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I'm a bit concerned as I think my wife might actually be dead.

I mean, the sex is still the same but the dishes are starting to pile up.

My doctor said I had to quit drinking or I would be dead within a month.

I said "But doc, I love alcohol so much! Isn't there anything I could do?"

He rolled his eyes and said "Cry me a liver."

I think my chemistry teacher might be dead

Today there hasn't been even one reaction from him.

North Korean leader can't be dead

It's kimposible!

I’m learning a soon to be dead language

It’s called Italian

I know many people have been appalled by reopen protestors risking public health for questionable reasoning. But, just remember 2-3% of em’ will be dead in the next few months anyway....

....not from Coronavirus but from fireworks accidents and ATV rollovers

"As a quantum physicist opening the box with Schrodinger's cat, do you expect it to be dead or alive?"

"Yes"

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I'd be dead by now!

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance he would always reply "It could have been worse"

To cure him from this annoying habit his friends decided to invent a situation so completely...

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One old man says to another old man- "I think my wife might be dead"

The other man says - why do you say that - and he replies "well the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up"

A man is told by doctors he will be dead by the following morning from his illness...

Man: Honey, get dressed! We're going out tonight and have the time of our lives! I only have one more night to live!

Wife: That's easy for you to say. You don't have to work in the morning...

A guy tells his friend, “Man I think my wife may be dead…”

A guy tells his friend, “Man I think my wife may be dead…”

Friend: “What?! Why would you think that?”

Guy: “Well in bed she’s the same as ever but the kitchen got quite messy…”

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A man tells his friend his wife might be dead.

"What!" exclaims the friend. "How do you know?"

"Well, she's the same as ever when we have sex but the dirty laundry keeps piling up and the dishes havent been done in a week."

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

If you invested early into Tesla stocks, you would be a millionaire. If you invested early into Apple, you would be a billionaire. If you invested £10 in 1890,

You would be dead.

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One day, a father and his daughter are together.

The father is putting the daughter to sleep. After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say, '' God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa. The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks her, '' Why did you say the last part? '' The da...

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Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan meet at a bar every Saturday.

Dan is exceptionally optimistic. Every time one of the other three mentions something bad, Dan simply responds, "Could be worse!" This really drives them up a wall.

One Friday when Al returns home from a business trip, he, Ben, and Carl hatch a plan.

The next day Carl goes to the bar a...

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Oldie but goodie

A man went to the police station and said "Officer, I think my wife might be dead!" the incredulous cop replied, "What do you mean you *think* your wife may be dead?!" The man replied, "Well, the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up in the sink!"

Two hunters.

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The e...

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married...

wish to be dead.

Two Roman gladiators are talking....

The one guy says, "Guess how many women I've slept with?"

The second guy goes, "Mmmm..."

The first dude goes, "Are you serious?! I'd be dead!"

Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, 'what would Jesus do?'

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

What’s the fastest way to end an argument with a girl?

Tell her to calm down. You’ll be dead but the argument will be over. Noticed I said “fastest” way, not “best”.

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead

A man calls 911

A man calls 911, frantically telling the operator that there has been a hunting accident.

"My friend tripped and dropped his shotgun. It went off, and he accidentally shot himself. He is bleeding, and I don't know what to do. I think he might be dead."

"Okay", the operator says. "Ple...

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9 year old Johnny walks into class

Teacher: Johnny, why have you got a black eye? Were you in a fight?

Johnny: No miss, Me and my parents sleep in one bed. And last night, when the room was dark, my father asked me, "Johnny, are you sleeping?" I said, "No, dad". And I got a slap on my face and got a black eye.

Teacher: ...

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A Heartwarming Christmas Story in Limerick Form

Santa's reindeer were all in a rut
and desperate to just bust a nut
So horny ol' Blitzen,
he jumped atop Vixen
And once mounted, went straight up the butt

But it turns out that Vixen's a guy
So fast and so strong and so spry
He's a sexy young buck
who...

911 - A Parody Of Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis


Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!


The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,


I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!


9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!


...

New Rooster

A farmer’s rooster passed away so he went to a neighboring farm to get another one. Speaking to the other farmer - He watches the flock and sees a rooster running all over the place screwing every chicken he can get a hold of. The farmer says “ I think I’ll take that one.” The other farmer says “Oh,...

Don't get me wrong, I have enough money for the rest of my life.

Don't get me wrong, I have enough money for the rest of my life. But need to be dead at 5 tomorrow.

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A man walks into a bar...

And notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to
the brim with £10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay £10, and if you pass three tests, y...

The lion is celebrating a party. All animals are invited, only the hamster is not.

The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: "Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?" The rabbit´answers, "Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end."

The hamster then asks the fox: "Listen, fox, can´t...

One day a horse is watching a music video [Long]

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.



In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says


"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I really want to ...

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The kindergartener who pissed in a cats ear

This little kindergartener runs into school and yells “Miss! Miss! There’s a dead cat outside!”
And she goes “well how do you know it’s dead?”
And he goes “well I pissed in it’s ear and it didn’t move so it must be dead.”
And she goes into shock, “Oh my god! You did what? You pissed in the ...

Two pieces or tarmac are in a bar arguing about who's the hardest

A red piece of tarmac then enters the bar and the two other pieces shut right up and start minding their own business. After the bartender serves the red piece of tarmac a drink and it takes a seat he turns to the other two and asks "what was up with you two? I thought you were supposed to be dead h...

So, I asked out a really fine lady who was WAY out of my league, she says, “I wouldn’t date you if you were the last person on Earth...”

“Well, DUHHHH, you’d be dead.”

If you are not in love on Valentine's Day, don't worry.

You don't have to be dead on Halloween, either.

My friend and I were talking about venomous snakes.

I told him there are two main types of venom: neurotoxin, which affects the nervous system, and hemotoxin, which breaks down cellular walls and damages tissue. Most of the indigenous venomous snakes in the U.S. are part of the second group.

I explained, "It can be deadly if the venom is carri...

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The Levels of Death

A man dies and arrives in Hell. He looks around. The sky is gloomy and rainy. He’s approached by an old man. The old man says, “Hello. Welcome to Hell. Let me show you around.” So the old man starts to show him around. He shows the man to a rundown shack and says, “This is where you’ll sleep.” He th...

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