Be Dead Jokes - 16 Hilarious Be Dead Jokes

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I'd be dead by now!

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance he would always reply "It could have been worse"

To cure him from this annoying habit his friends decided to invent a situation so completely...

North Korean leader can't be dead

It's kimposible!

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I'm a bit concerned as I think my wife might actually be dead.

I mean, the sex is still the same but the dishes are starting to pile up.

I think my chemistry teacher might be dead

Today there hasn't been even one reaction from him.

A Sunday school teacher posed a question to her class, "If I were to sell my house, car, donate my possessions to charity, and give all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

The children unanimously replied, "No."

The teacher then asked, "If I were to keep the church clean, mow the lawn, and keep everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Once again, the answer was a resounding "No."

Apparently perplexed, the teacher asked, "Well, then how ...

My doctor said I had to quit drinking or I would be dead within a month.

I said "But doc, I love alcohol so much! Isn't there anything I could do?"

He rolled his eyes and said "Cry me a liver."

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead

I’m learning a soon to be dead language

It’s called Italian

Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, 'what would Jesus do?'

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

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One old man says to another old man- "I think my wife might be dead"

The other man says - why do you say that - and he replies "well the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up"

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filthy old man

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a cliff, about to jump off.

An old homeless man who was wandering by stopped and said

"Look since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"

She screamed "NO! Fuck off y...

Not vaccinating your child is like owning a PT Cruiser

You're spending thousands a year on something that'll probably be dead in less than five.

I know many people have been appalled by reopen protestors risking public health for questionable reasoning. But, just remember 2-3% of em’ will be dead in the next few months anyway....

....not from Coronavirus but from fireworks accidents and ATV rollovers

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

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How can I get in to heaven?

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday

school class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kep...

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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"...

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