Agonizing Jokes - 31 Hilarious Agonizing Jokes

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After enduring it for over a week, a man goes to the doctor with intense, agonizing, shooting pains from his balls to his kidneys.

"Doc," he says "you just gotta help, the pain literally takes me to the floor, and I can't breath because of it either"

The doctor checks him over, and orders a series of tests, finally prescribing strong painkillers until their next appointment the following week.

"Im sorry," says the...

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Two CEOs meet after....

One of them has visited Japan. So they are talking about how the trip was and one says:

"look I got this amazing robot secretary from there, it does everything human secretary does except 20 times faster and 200% more efficiently."

The other one says: "that sounds impressive but does ...

I was with my wife at mcdonalds drive thru and after 3 mins when they gave her our order she began complaining how agonizingly long the wait was.

Turns out reminding her that last night she told me 3 mins was way to quick was not a good response

A married couple are having a fight.

Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"

A cartographer is asked to make a giant topographic map

He is very meticulous, agonizing over every little detail on the map. After months of work, he nervously presents it to his client, who says it's perfect and commissions another big project. As he leaves the meeting, the cartographer takes a deep breath, turns to his assistant, and says, "I was real...

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A guy gets into a terrible car accident.

Late in the night he finally regains consciousness. He finds himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering him. She gives him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he hears her slowly say "I’m sorry but you ma...

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Lonely superman

So one day superman is flying around lonely when he noticed wonder women naked on the beach having what looks like a wet dream.

He figures if he can fly down at the speed of light and do his business she would never even notice. After a few minutes he finally builds the courage and boom he go...

Chuck Norris got bitten by a King Cobra

And after 5 agonizing days of pain.

The cobra died

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A man is told to lay off a member of his staff

At a small company, a manager is told that, due to downsizing, he has to lay off someone from his staff. After much agonizing, he narrows his list down to two people. Not sure who to get rid of, he talks to his boss for advice.

"On one hand, Mary is a really great worker," he says. "But on t...

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As Jesus is hanging on the cross he calls out to St Peter

"Peter, my rock upon which I will build my church I have to tell you something"

"Yes Lord" and Peter starts to climb the cross. A Roman soldier comes by and says "You're not supposed to be up there". WHACK... cuts off one of his legs.

Peter tumbles to the ground in agony.

Jesus ...

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Father and son free a genie and he promises them 3 wishes...

The father starts explaining "Son, these wishes are very precious, we have to think before" but the son says without hasitation "Give me a hedgehog!" Genie snaps his fingers and there is a hedgehog. The father loses it and facepalms "Fuck the hedgehog." Suddenly the genie cries in agonizing pain: " ...

Two alligators are swimming in the everglades.

Out of the bushes, an airboat comes flying right at them. One of the alligators gets run over. The injured alligator looks at the other in agonizing pain and says "quick! Call Gatorade!"

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An explorer gets captured by an indigenous tribe.

The tribe's chief confronts the Explorer and explains, "we must harvest your skin so that we can make a canoe. For this, you may select a method of death."

The explorer thinks for a moment and asks for a fork.

Confused but interested the chief gets a fork and hands it to the explorer...

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A man has an extreme headache...

...and after a few agonizing days he decides to go to the doctor to see what's wrong with him.
"Well I have terrible news" says the doctor "you have a very odd condition where your spine is constricting your testicles. If you don't remove your testicles your headache will never go away."
O...

One day two accountants, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. One was a Hindu and constantly berated the other for eating meat!

After stopping for a hot dog, the Hindu erupted "Why do you eat meat?, Do you even know what's in that hot dog? You know, you are what you eat!"

The American replied "I am what I eat, an uncontrollable vicious animal (beating his chest)"

As they stepped off the curb a speeding car ca...

A Man Buys several Acres in the Countryside

and hires a local contractor to build a fence around his new property.

The next day, the contractor arrives in his pickup with a small trailer of tools and materials to begin work on the fence.

The contractor begins digging the first hole with a shovel only to find the ground is mostl...

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This guy gets sent to prison....

He gets put into a cell, his cellmate is 7 foot tall and muscle all over. Scary as hell.

His cellmate says "Hello, let's play a game! Let's play mummies and daddies! Who do you want to be, mummy or daddy ?"

The guy thinks it over agonizingly, and eventually says "okay, I'll be daddy"...

A man had been deserted alone on an island for 10 years...

When suddenly one day he sees a ship in the distance! He lights the signal fire and to his delight sees a life raft rowing his way. When the boat finally reaches the shore the man weeps with joy and hugs the man, the captain of the ship, who came to save him. The captain asks the man “Dear sir, how ...

Courtship

A man is madly in love with a princess and wants to propose, but an evil witch has cast a spell on him, and now he can say only one word a year. So he waits 14 agonizing years—accumulating all his words—before approaching his beloved.

Finally, the big day arrives. When he sees her, his heart ...

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An Arab has a rendezvous with a British soldier, and they plan to trek across the desert to a secret military base.

"Come on my friend," says the Arab, "We must trek across the desert. The food here is the poorest in the world, so we must make haste. Would you like one of my camels?"

"No I don't want a camel." says the Brit. He starts walking.

Confused, the Arab knows it's a long trip to where they ...

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A guy dies and goes to hell. The devil says he can choose his punishment.

Before him are three doors, leading to the different areas of hell where punishments are handed out. In the first room, the floor is covered with smoldering embers. A few dozen people are in the room, all in terrible agony from being forced to walk around barefoot on the hot coals. "Nah, too hot"...

A young girl wanders into a section of beach designated for nudists only...

A man sees the young girl approaching him and quickly covers up his privates with a small towel. She asks the man what’s under his towel and he says that it’s his little birdie. She asks if she can play with his little bird but the man insists that it is sleeping. The girl keeps pleading with the ma...

A man goes to the doctor for blood tests [long]

After extended testing and an agonizing wait, he finally gets a call from the doctor to immediately come into the office and to have as little contact with others as possible.
On arrival he is greeted by a nurse in full bio suit and whisked into a barren room.
The doctor comes in, also in fu...

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April Fool's!

A woman goés into labor éarly and is rushéd to thé hospital. Aftér an agonizing night, shé finally givés birth, and thé doctor doés thé littlé pat on thé baby liké hé normally doés to stimulaté air flow. Thén hé tossés thé baby in thé air liké a pizza, and grabs it by thé légs and slams it into thé ...

My Uncle

My uncle is a southern farmer. One day he witnessed another man dove hunting close to his property line. The man shoots a bird that falls on my uncle’s property line, which my uncle promptly goes to pick up.

The man tries to plea with my uncle but he’s not having it. The dead bird is on his p...

The Patient Boy

A teenage boy is preparing for prom. First he goes to rent a tuxedo, but there’s a tuxedo line at the tailor's and it takes ages but he's patient finally gets it.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. It takes forever but he's ...

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Three explorers

There were three explorers who were sailing the seas in search for new land. They land on a small island, but as they leave their ship, they are confronted by a group of savages and their chief.

The chief says, "You are trespassing on our holy land and for that you must pay the consequences. ...

A Woman Goes Into Labor...

...Her husband rushes her to the hospital. The delivery is taking much longer than usual and is exceptionally painful. The normal pain killers aren't working, so the doctor approaches the husband with a revolutionary new device. The device would transfer increments of the wife's pain to the Father o...

A man dies and finds himself in an elevator

He did expect a light at the end of the tunnel and all that, but he decides to see where things are going. Pretty soon, the destination of his elevator-ride is showing up on the display: "Hell"

"Well", the man thinks, "I've had a good life. Fair's fair I guess."

The elevator opens an...

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The Male Anatomy

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out befo...

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A hermit, a clown, and a witty comeback...

FULL DISCLOSURE: This is a shaggy dog story...

An old hermit has been living alone in the wilderness for many, many years. He decides that it is finally time to rejoin society. He sees in the local paper that the circus is coming to a nearby town and decides that a circus would be a wonderful...

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