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You Know Jokes

Do you know why batman doesn't have a police badge?

Because he doesn't kill people

How do you know you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of the-

Car driving by: HONK

Me: Because if the-

2nd car driving by: HONK

Me:

Cop:

Me: Because of the-

3rd car driving by:HOOONK

Me: Because of the “Honk if you think cops have micropenises’’ bumper sticker?

You know you’re a 90s kid when...

your vaccinations were mandatory and no one in your class got measles.

Did you know it’s impossible to eat baklava underground?

Because then it’s bakmagma

Did you know that Iceland...

...is only one sea away from Ireland?

How do you know a redditor is not a native english speaker?

They'll apologize for potential mistakes after 10 paragraphs of perfect english

Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe?

I'm not joking, but he is

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Obviously not

How do you know Will Smith’s slap wasn’t staged?

His son wasn’t cast in it.

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.


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Did you know the magnifying glass was invented by a Chinese guy?

Yeah, his name was Tzu Minh

How do you know you're at a Mormon wedding?

The bride isn't pregnant but her mother is

Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

did you know that Ukraine has no Walmarts?

only targets.

How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?

They know what grams are.

You know who really gives kids a bad name?

Elon Musk

You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody?

That's common sense leaving your body.

Oh man you know what my favorite thing about being Russian is?

Getting to vote in American elections.

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Did you know that pigeons die after having sex?

Well the one I fucked did.

You know the razor blade works...

when there are no reviews for it on Amazon.

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Did you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read that in a medical journal on page 64, at 2:34pm on Friday 15th of August, 2021.

You know there's no official training for garbage men?

They just pick it up as they go along.

Do you know what LGBTQ stands for?

Every time I ask I can never get a straight answer

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Did you know if you hold your ear up too a strangers leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?

Everyone knows why 6 was afraid of 7, but do you know why 10 was scared?

10 was in the middle of 9 11.

You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it’s there?

Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.

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You know the difference between sex for money and sex for free?

Sex for money is a whole lot cheaper.

Did you know “Vegetarian” is a Native American word?

It means “Lousy Hunter”


I am Native American and this joke has been told to me a couple of times. Thought I’d share.

How do you know a joke isn't a repost?

When it doesn't reach the front page.

You know what has 8 legs 8 hands and 8 eyes?

8 Pirates

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Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

Do you know the one step to avoiding clickbait?

Obviously not.

gg y'all, inbox = rekt

Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?

Well, technically it's only a murder if there's probable caws.

You know why Mayweather won't beat Pacquiao?

Pacquiao isn't his wife.

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.

"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

Do you know why there are fewer 'all men are trash' posts now?

Christmas is coming

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Did you know that the condom was invented by the Turks?

They used the intestines of sheep around their penis when having sex.

And did you know that years later, the Brits were the ones who improved the condom by removing the sheep?

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How do you know Dave?

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

As a German, you know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says, "You must be single." The man answered, “Wow, how did you know that?”

The cashier replied, “Because you’re ugly.”

“Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?”

“Sir, do you mean a choir?”

“Fine, yes, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?”

Did you know Yoda had a last name?

Layheehoo.

Did you know that if you rearrange the letters of "Postmen"

They get really angry

How do you know a redditor has left a hotel?

Username checks out

Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why?

Inflation


Holy smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!!

Hip-hop is now 50 years old. Do you know what this means?

It means hip-hop is now old enough to complain about today’s youth being corrupted by hip-hop.

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Do you know how fast you were going?

Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are in a car and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands ...

Do you know the Football player whose missing 75% of his spine?

He's the Quarterback.



(My 2nd joke attempt X\_X)

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting in your wife's clothes.

(Old joke, I know, just heard it though, made me laugh.)

How do you know that a sniper likes you?

He misses you.

Did you know that the invention of the shovel was...

Ground breaking.

Did you know that 20 pirahnas can demolish a small child down to the bone in under 30 seconds?

In other news, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

(My nephew told me this joke yesterday, totally deadpan! Thought it was worth sharing!)

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Did you know? If you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame at the base...

eventually the testicle will be sucked inside!

If you did know this, please can you let me know how to reverse it?

**It's quite urgent**

Do you know how to make $20B in the Tech business?

Start with $44B

Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is?

Mass over volume.

Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value?

For example: 5 equals 5, but

5! equals 120.

Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it's only Wednesday

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A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. “You know what” says 7 year old “I think its time we started swearing…

A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what" says 7 year old
"I think its time we started swearing.
When we go downstairs for breakfast I'lI swear first then you".
"OK" says 4 year old.
Mum asks 7 yr old what he wants for breakfast. "I'II have Coco pops, bitch"....

Did you know Alligators can grow up to 15 feet?

Most only have 4

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other.

Do you know why I don't do threesomes?

Because if i wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd visit my parents.

Did you know 2 x 10 is the same as 2 x 11?

**One is twenty, and the other is twenty too!**

Edit: RIP Inbox. We hardly knew ye.
First front page ever! Woo!

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I was in the supermarket with the wife today when completely out of the blue she said "You know something? You really are a lazy bastard!"

I was so shocked I nearly fell out of the trolley.

You know, if I had a dollar for every time someone over fifty told me my generation sucks...

Then I would be able to afford a house in the economy they ruined.

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You know what women say to guys with big dicks?

Me neither

How do you know aliens are not vegan?

Because they haven't contacted us to say it.

Did you know that koi fish will travel in groups of 4 for safety?

>!When in danger, kois A, B, and C will flee and escape, leaving behind the Decoy.!<

You know Murphy's Law. It's "If something can go wrong, it will", but do you know Cole's law? It's...

shredded cabbage, mayonnaise, maybe some carrot.

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You know what the worst part of investigating a haunted porn set is?

You never know what’s ectoplasm and what isn’t.

Did you know that 97% of the world is stupid?

Luckily im in the other 5%

Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?

They have more of an Elon Musk.

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

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Do you know why Ms. Pac-man is considered the greatest prostitute of all time?

Because for 25 cents she'll eat balls until she dies!

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

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You're living. You have mass. You occupy space. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

Do you know the last thing my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket?

“How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

"Dad, how do you know if someone is an alcoholic?"

Dad: "You see those cars over there son? An alcoholic would see eight instead of four. "

"Dad, there's just two cars."

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Did you know, there are no canaries in the Canary Islands?

It's the same with the Virgin Islands. There are no canaries there, either.

A small town lawyer called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a 80 year old woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Singh, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Kulkarni. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not kn...

Did you know most people don't know the opposite to these words?

1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

You know what I don't like about Canadians?

They think they're above US.

Did you know Will Smith can make swords?

Of course he can; he's a blacksmith


Some may think the joke isn't funny, but I think it slaps.

You know what’s funny about Woody and Buzz in Toy Story?

Andy’s mom’s toys have the same name.

Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's?

Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food...

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Did you know that communists don't have orgasms?

they have ourgasms

Do you know why you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are really good at it.

Do you know why I don't make fat jokes?

Because they wouldn't be appreciated by the wider audience.

How do you know how heavy a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh , give a weigh, give it a weigh now.

You know that thing

When you're having a poo and run out of toilet roll, then end up doing that trousers round your ankles shuffle thing to get some more?

It happened to me earlier!

I'm almost at the shop now..

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

Did you know that William Shatner once tried to start up his own line of lingerie for women?

Unfortunately for him, Shatner Panties was a terrible brand name.

I told my wife, “Did you know Old McDonald’s farm has been taken over by Artificial Intelligence?”

Her: AI?

Me: AI.

Her: Oh.

Did you know "T-shirt" is short for "tyrannosaurus shirt".....

because they have short arms?

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My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved my pussy, you know what that means?

I said "yeah, the fucking drain is clogged again. "

Do you know what Mexicans think about Trump's wall?

Who cares, they'll get over it..

Do you know what Gaslighting is?

You should, we talked about this last week.

Do you know any words that end in AT?

Man 2: Gnat does.
Man 1: what does?
Man 2: yeah, what ends in AT.

Call me a nutter, a conspiracy theorist or as mad as a hatter, but did you know that if you take the first two letters from the title of every Harry Potter book, it spells out a secret message?!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Think you know everything about the letter t?

That's just the half of it.

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Do you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read it in one book on page 37, on the 8th line, it was 16:23, Monday, January 4, 2016.

You know what never gets old?

Russian tank drivers

You can pleasure your touchscreen if you know where to touch it.

>!ooh yes!<

>!mmm right there!<

>!that’s it!<

>!harder!<

>!Harder!<

>!oh!<

>!My!<

>!GOD!<

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Do you know how to have sex?

Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question. Again, not amused, she screamed get the hell away. Later, she told her husband of the ...

Back in the day Oklahoma use to have a slogan “Oklahoma is OK!”, you know why it was just OK?

Because they couldn’t spell mediocre.

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You know what a baby is?

It is just a fully baked cream pie

You know about Schrodinger's cat, but do you know about Cauchy's dog?

It left a residue at every pole.

Did you know that Milk is the fastest liquid on earth?

It's pasteurized before you even see it.

Did you know the first French Fries weren’t actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

You know, a friend of mine met a guy last week who told her he was a billionaire.

\- She slept with him, and the next morning, he gave her money for a bus.

\- Wow, she must be freaking mad at him.

\- Nah, not really. A bus costs, what, two hundred grand?

You know how i know you play bullet hell?

You don't own any umbrellas for rainy days.

I was watching my wife try on outfits; I said, you know what you looked best in?

1996.

Do you know how to catch a bear?

Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by.

When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. ...

How do you know if a trans man is ticklish?

You give him a couple test tickles.

How will you know if you die of the Delta variant of COVID?

On your way to heaven or wherever, you'll make a stop in Atlanta.

*Edit: Thanks for the upvotes and comments. Per feedback, it might be better as "On your way to heaven, you'll have a layover in Atlanta."*

Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?

It’s eel-eagle.

Do you know what a 6.9 is?

A good thing screwed up by a period.

In France, do you know why they only eat one egg at breakfast time?

Because one egg is enough

Do you know why women fart after they pee?

They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.

Did you know that Captain Kirk had 3 ears?

A left ear, right ear and the final front ear.

A man meets an attractive woman in a bar and tells her, “You know, I’m a lawyer.”

“Honest?” the woman asks.

“No, no. Just the regular kind,” he replied.

Do you know what China is famous for?

\[REDACTED\]

How do you know a mechanic has a girlfriend?

He has two clean fingers

Do you know which countries don’t shut down like the USA does when they can’t approve their budget?

The other 195.

You know how people were joking about 2021 sounding like “2020 won”?

Well, next year is 2020 too.

Only when that year is over will it finally be 2020 free.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know the prefix Fitz in a name meant "son of"?

So when Patrick had a son, the last name would be Fitzpatrick, and Gerald's son was Fitzgerald, etc.

They had to stop though when Dickinson had a son.

Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future.

Trust me. My friend Keith did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did.

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the carribean.

Did you know condoms have serial numbers?

Oh, I guess you've never rolled one down far enough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Physics teacher: "Did you know protons have mass?"

Student: "Fuck, no -- I didn't even know they were Catholic!"

Do you know what DNA is an acronym for?

The National Dyslexia Association

Did you know Mortal Kombat was based on an old Scandinavian song?

A Finnish hymn.

Did you know?

If life gives you melons, you may have dyslexia.

did you know cyan is the best colour?

it's cyantifically proven.

Did you know that you can't run through a campground?

You can only ran... cause it's past tents

Do you know why hurricanes are just like women?

Because when they come they’re wet and wild and when they leave they take your dog and house with them.

You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring

But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.

Did you know you can wear any boat as a hat?

You just have to turn it upside down to make it cap sized.

Did you know a kayak can be worn as a hat?

Once you flip it upside down to put on your head, it's capsized!

Did you know there was a cult for visually impaired?

They follow their leader blindly

You know what chicks love?

Sweeping generalizations.

My wife said she would leave me if I don't stop comparing everything to Bruce Willis movies, but you know what they say about old habits...

They Pulp Fiction.

Do you know what a robot does on one night stand?

Nuts and bolts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know why God invented yeast infections?

So women could know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt too.

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