A HTML developer was walking down the street when he was greeted by a donkey.

"Hello Mr Programmer", the donkey said, "how are you?".

"mighty fine, thank you donkey", the HTML dev replied.

Immediately the donkey started crying.

"What's the matter little friend?" the HTML dev asked.

"I called you a programmer, at least you could call me horse" t...

HTML or HTML5?

Guy 1 - 'How can you tell the difference between HTML and HTML5?'

Guy 2 - 'Open it in Internet Explorer'

Guy 1 - 'Ok'

Guy 2 - 'Did it work?'

Guy 1 - 'No'

Guy 2 - 'It's HTML5'

What did the HTML coding dog say?

Href Href!

I used to code a lot of HTML

but now it's just some <BODY> that I used to know

Call me old fashioned but my favorite HTML attributes are still colspan and rowspan

I just love me some big TD’s!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package...

...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

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So Satan asks God to let him back into Heaven...

God says "Satan, you've betrayed me before, but I am a just and forgiving god. You may get back into Heaven, if you can beat my only son in a programming contest."

Satan and Jesus meet to agree to the terms. The contest is a simple one. God will set a timer for six hours, and both Jesus and S...

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Paratrooper's First Jump NSFW

A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news.

"So, did ...

The European Commission

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-E...

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0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his w...

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Men are from Mars. A Joke for the long Monday ahead.

http://austin.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/60286784.html source

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so

much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have

never figured out why men think with their head and women with ...

An unholy competition

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job...

Asian Doctor

An Asian Doctor can't find a job in any Hospital in the USA, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is an excellent opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic...
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of tas...

5 Russian Jokes about Vodka

#1

A Gentleman comes to the shop and asked,

- Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola.

After Half an hour he comes again and asked again,

- Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola.

After one hour he comes again and asked to the shopkeeper...

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you dont know Jack Schitt!? NSFW(language)

You Don't Know Jack Schitt?

Jack Schitt
You Don't Know Jack Schitt?
Author Unknown

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. ...

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The Westboro Babtist Church is planning to picket Reddit two days after their IAmA.

No, seriously. http://www.godhatesfags.com/schedule.html

Gorilla removal service

I heard this a while ago and have altered it slightly. The original is linked below.

A man is getting ready for work and he hears some scratching on his above. He heads outside to find a full-size gorilla on his roof. He dashes inside and contacts his local gorilla removal service. The ma...

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The Crash Site

A police officer came upon a terrible car crash where two people had been killed. As he looked at the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer ...

The longest joke in the world

No link posts, so you can read the whole thing here:

http://www.innocentenglish.com/best-funny-jokes/longest-joke-ever.html

A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God.

The man asked, "God, what's a million years to you?"

And God said "A minute."

Then the man asked:
"Well, what's a million dollars to you?"

And God said: "A penny"

Then the man asked:
"God.....can I have a penny?"

And God said:
"Sure.....In a m...

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A young couple goes to a picnic...

The husband started preparing the food while the wife, wearing a skirt, spread a blanket and laid down. Suddenly a wondering bee appeared and started flying around the wife. The bee found its way under the wife's skirt and went deeper then expected. The wife panicked and yelled to her husband: "Dave...

Jokes generated by AI at the University of Edinburgh

I like my relationships like I like my source: Open.
I like my coffee like I like my war: Cold.
I like my boys like I like my sectors: Bad.

http://www.i-programmer.info/news/105-artificial-intelligence/6210-ai-is-funny-a-generative-joke-model.html

Match at a gas station

On his first day working at the gas station, John watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.

"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" John said as a joke.

"It would go out," the ...

Master List for Easter Dad Jokes

Where does the Easter Bunny get his eggs? From Eggplants

Why do we paint Easter eggs? Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them!

What day does an Easter egg hate the most? Fry-days.

What kind of bunny can’t hop? A chocolate one!

Why did the Easter egg hide? He ...

Shlemiel the Painter

Shlemiel gets a job as a street painter, painting the dotted lines down the middle of the road. On the first day he takes a can of paint out to the road and finishes 300 yards of the road. "That's pretty good!" says his boss, "you're a fast worker!" and pays him a kopeck.

The next day Shlemie...

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Which one to marry?

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and te...

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Irish I could say I came up with these St. Patty's Day jokes

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover?
-A rash of good luck.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland?
- He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
-Regular rocks are too heavy.

How did the Irish ...

A grieving widow is speaking to a funeral director...

and is admiring her dead husband's body in the casket.

"Oh Mr. Graham, you've done such a lovely job with my dear Timothy. He really does look comfortable. At peace even. But one thing?"

"Yes Mrs. Stewart?"

"Would you please put him in his black suit? He always preferred it."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Serious top linked post on /r/science made me laugh: "Giant methane storms on Uranus"

Original link: http://phys.org/news/2015-03-giant-methane-storms-uranus.html

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when...

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when... one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference f...

Who's Irish and lives in your back yard?

Patio Furniture!

I got this joke from a great collection of cheezy jokes [here!](http://www.publicradio.org/columns/dinnerpartydownload/2011/08/episode-109-the-2nd-annual-icebreaker-show.html)

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