Just recalling the great toilet paper shortage and my Walmart experience.
I couldnt find toilet paper anywhere at Walmart, so I finally found an associate wearing the signature yellow vest, and asked, " Is there toilet paper anywhere in this store?"
She looked me up and down and said, "We've been out of toilet paper for over a week."
Imagine my embarrassment...
A duck walked up to a pastry store
And he said to woman running the store
"Hey, got any bread?"
The woman said,
"No we just sell cakes. But they're warm and they're fresh and they're all home-made. Can I get you a few?"
The duck said,
"Cake won't do."
Then he waddled away...
'Til the v...
A penguin broke down in Las Vegas.
A penguin was driving through Vegas when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic.
When he got there the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot so he asked the mechanic where he coul...
American/Russian dog fight
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the...
The Dog Fight
The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog
The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fi...
A hunchbacked man was walking through the cemetery at night
Suddenly a loud voice said:
- Man, are you hunchbacked?
- Yes, I'm hunchbacked
- No man, you're not hunchbacked!!!
- No, I'm hunchbacked!
- No man, you're not hunchbacked!
A man run home, looked at the mirror, but there really was no hump. Full of joy he ...
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you s...
Farmer John owned a pool.
Every night these three ducks would sneak in and splash around, keeping John up at night.
Eventually, John got sick of it and called the police on the ducks.
They were brought before the judge the next day.
"Alright," the Judge said. "What I need you to do is walk up here and st...
The year is 2135, and the US and Russia are the only 2 remaining nations.
After a century of warfare, the two nations expanded their borders, annexing an country that stood in it's way.
Both nations, hungering for world domination, have been at war with each other for over 20 years, and have decided that the fighting would never end, as the two were so closely matc...
Cold War Dog Fight
During the Cold War, the Soviets and the Americans decided that nuclear brinkmanship was not sustainable. So they agreed to settle the question of world hegemony once and for all with a good old-fashioned dog fight - the parties had one year to prepare.
The top scientist of both nations worke...
A man goes to a cathouse with only $5 to his name.
"What can $5 get me?" he asked the lady inside.
"Let's see.. well, I can give you a penguin job," she replied.
The call girl unzips the man's pants and leaves them around his ankles, and goes to work with her mouth.
"Oh wow, this is fantastic, you sure know what you're doi...
[NSFW] A penguin goes to the car mechanic...
...to figure out why his truck keeps making such weird noises as he goes down the highway. When he arrived, the mechanic said that he'd take a look and it'd be about a half hour wait.
"Well that's okay," the penguin muttered to himself as he walked out of the shop, "I can find something to...
A vulture and his son
A long time ago, in a very flat place, there lived a teenage vulture named Red. He and his father were the only vultures around, and dined on the various animals that were hit by trucks on the highway. As most teenagers do, Red eventually got tired of his diet of dead things.
"Dad" he whined....
Once upon a time, there were 3 little ducks who lived by a peaceful pond.
One day they got into trouble and were sent to Bob, the duck who was in charge of the pond. The first one stepped up in front of Bob and looked shamefaced.
Bob asked, "What’s your name?"
The little duck replied, "Duck."
"Why did you get sent to me?" queried Bob.
There's this penguin...
There's this penguin, driving through the South, the Deep South... late August. The hot months. "Ew! But it sure is hot!" the penguin lisped from behind the wheel of his choking jalopy.
Suddenly! The jalopy fails the penguin and he has to push it down a bumpy road to the next small town. He g...
Another penguin joke
This was my grandpa's favorite joke, I had to share it here.
A penguin was driving down a desert freeway during a very hot summer. The penguin didn't mind the heat outside, because it had fantastic air conditioning in its car.
...until its car broke down. Luckily, there was a pay...
A man's best friend is sentenced to death by hanging
The day James Wright is set to be executed his best friend waddled home and told his wife
"I don't want to hear about it, Wright was my best bud but I just want to go take a bath and have one night without the news or any senseless nagging"
His wife understads and says she'll put his...