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Us President Jokes

Jokes on reddit are like US presidents.

You might see a new one every four years or so.

The US president asked for estimates from contractors from different countries to paint the White House.

The US president asked for estimates from contractors from different countries to paint the White House.

The Chinese contractor estimates three million dollars.

And the European contractor said the cost was seven million dollars

And then the Pakistani contractor made an estima...

4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado

Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.

After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter...

A girlfriend is like a good US president

I’d love to have one

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

David Byrne gets elected US President. His first official act is to ban the penny. He issued an executive order to...

Stop making cents.

Robert Kennedy Junior is running to become US President, and I think Americans should give him a shot.

And a couple of boosters, just to be sure.

I was looking up the history of past US Presidents and I realized a startling fact.

Statistically, an American President has been indicted on an average of more than two felonies.

What do you call it when the new US president waves his hand?

A microwave.

For the first time in history, a US president haven't grown old, gray haired and tired by the stressful tasks of his presidency ...

... Instead everyone else did.

Did you know only one US president has been born in Missouri?

It's true, man.

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

Jokes on this sub are like US Presidents

Last time I saw a good one, it was dark.

It's interesting how different a US president looks at the end of their presidency. Obama had gray hair. Bush had a bunch of wrinkles..

At the end of JFKs presidency, half of his head was missing.

Imagine that the next US president is a married woman

Would we call her husband a first ladyboy?


pls laugh I'm so depressed

I was asked to describe the last two us presidents in 5 words

Orange is the new black

Famous Quotes from US Presidents

“The harder the conflict, the greater the triumph.” ― George Washington

“Honesty is the first chapter of the book wisdom.” ― Thomas Jefferson

“If tyranny and oppression come to this land it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.” ― James Madison

“Try and fail, but don...

This is the first time that a US president is named Joe.

Goes to show, it’s still not true that any average Joe can become president.

US President calls for a meeting with press.

He steps up to the tribune:

\- Friends, fellow citizens, today i have to inform you that i've made the decision to shoot down every member of the Congress, Senate and House of Representatives, and also paint the White House green.

After a long pause single hand rises from auditory:
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which US President was most popular among Spanish porn stars?

L.B.J.

Could someone please tell me why people are comparing Greta Thunberg with the US president?

It's impudent and just wrong. One is an angry, attention-seeking child that yells at foreign leaders on international conferences and never does anything that actually helps.

The other one is a Swedish climate activist.

what do the UK Prime Minister and the former US president have in common?

One is Boris Johnson, the other is a boorish "johnson"

Who were the most open-minded US presidents?

Well it was a tie between JFK and Abraham Lincoln

The Mexican President, the US President, and the Russian President are on a plane.

Before take off the pilot tells them that the plane is too heavy to fly. The Mexican President then pushes off all the tequila off the plane and says, “We got a lot of that in my country it’s fine.” Then the Russian President pushes off all the vodka and says “We got a lot of that in my country it’s...

Which US President was least guilty?

Lincoln. He was in a cent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a bidet and 46th US President-Elect Biden have in common?

They both clean up after assholes

What did the turkey say to the US president on Thanksgiving?

I beg your pardon.

TIL: Among all US Presidents, Grover Cleveland had the shortest term.

He was the twenty second president.

Why do US presidents make bad comedians?

Because they keep bombing

Why can't US Presidents play bridge together?

Because Donald gets confused whenever someone makes a bid of No Trumps.

US Presidents and jokes are very similar...

... a lot of people really prefer the dark ones.

The Best US president's name starts with T-R-U-M

It's obviously Harry S Truman

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It just struck me that in British slang the US President's surname means "Fart" and in US slang the British prime minister's surname means "Penis"



I can't wait to tell the wife. She'll laugh her Merkel off.

US Presidents have been impeached before, but Trump may be the first to be forcefully removed from office.

To remove him would be unpresidented.

Donald Trump is gonna be the next US President

pretty HILLARYous, isn't it

54 years ago, JFK became the us president with the least brain ever

...but unfortunately his record has been beaten at the beginning of the year

A teacher is asking a student to name the last three US presidents

The kid replies "President George W Bush, President Barrack Obama, and Resident Donald Trump"

The teacher says, "Almost, but you said resident Trump instead of president. Where's the P?"

The kid answers: "In a Russian hotel room on a bunch of hookers"

What did the cool guy say to the 16th US President when his pigs began fusing with one another?

ayy bruh ham linkin

The US president debates the U.K. prime minister and no one knows who will win.

Trump may trump May, May may trump Trump

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Catholic, a Protestant, and a Jew are walking through Washington DC when they see a poster advertising an epic insult smackdown between all the living former US presidents.

"This looks like such a cool event!" says the Catholic. "I think Carter will win."

"I think the winner will be Clinton," says the Protestant, "with Obama at a close second."

"I'm...uh...not interested," says the Jew.

The other two are shocked. "Why not?" asks the Catholic.
...

What do you call a potato that becomes US President and silences the news, silences government agencies, silences government funded science and ends international treaties?

A dic-tater.

At the Washington Summit in 1987, US President Ronald Reagan asked Soviet General Secretary Mikhail Gorbachev in private if the rumored "Dead Hand" nuclear retaliation system really existed.

Gorbachev laughed and patted Reagan on the back, saying "no, comrade, is only blyat earth conspiracy."

Interviewer: So what are your strengths and weaknesses. Me: I have a decent sense of humor but my General Knowledge is not so good.

Interviewer: Ok, then tell us a joke.

Me: Knock Knock.

Interviewer: Who?

Me: 2nd US President.

Interviewer: 2nd US President who?

Me: Like I said, my General knowledge isn't good.

TIL (Today I learned) who coined the phrase "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine"

It was former US President Abraham Lincoln.

Ugly scenes

Ugly scenes in centre of Leicester this evening

An 'anti Trump' protestor threw a traffic cone, narrowly missing US President by 5802 miles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every Friday, Ms. Jane ends class a little early...

and plays a game with the kids. She will read off famous quotes, and if one of the students in her 5th grade class can correctly name who said it, they get to leave school a little early. Today the quotes would come from US Presidents. She saw Tommy, who always won this game, sitting in the back, at...

A man wakes up in the hospital after electrocuting himself...

Doctor: What is your name?

Man: Steven

Doctor: Good. Who is the current US President?

Man: Obama

Doctor: Oh no that is incorrect it is President Trump

Man: Dammit it didn't work

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