UPJOKE
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Bubbles

There were a few ducks in the park blowing bubbles, and a police officer gave them a ticket. They went to court and the first duck went in to see the judge.

The judge asks, "What is ur name and why are you here?" The duck said, "My name is quack and I'm here for blowing bubbles in a park." <...

Overworked Office Manager

Salesperson: "This computer will cut your workload by 50%"

Office manager: "That's great, I'll take two of them"

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend."

Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

On a flight from Dublin, Ireland to Boston, the chief flight attendant made an announcement...

"Due to a terrible mistake by the airline's caterer, there are only 80 dinners instead of the 225 required to feed all the passengers on board. To fix the situation, we are offering unlimited drinks to anybody who is willing to give up their meal".

Two hours before landing, another announce...

Dad and son octopus crossing the road, dad said to his son:

gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand. (Courtesy of my 1st grader).

is ur computer running?

u better go cache it

What's worse then ants in ur pants?

... uncle's

How to correctly give parent your school report

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...

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What's it called when you make sure you smell real good before getting a camera shoved up your bbutt?

Cologne-oscopy

4 religious women were chatting

First woman mentions her son:

-My son is a priest, whenever he enters a community, people stand up and call him, "Father, welcome"

The second woman doesn't seem impressed:

-My son is a bishop, people call him "Your excellency" when he is in a community.

The third woman ta...

Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?

It's pasteurized before you even see it..

Urine

more like ur-out

Crossing

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.

Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The throng surged across B...

For my 16th birthday, my parents tried surprising me with a car

but they missed

I hate it when people don't know the difference between your and you're.

There so stupid.

Please can we stop with the ur mom jokes, they are getting really boring and are doing my head in

Just like ur mom

Had an embarrassing moment earlier. Farted really loudly when I lifted something heavy....

Had to apologise to the guy at the next urinal.

"Listen son, I don't really think ur depression jokes are appropriate"

"what jokes"

I w‌‌as d‌‌igging i‌‌n o‌‌ur g‌‌arden w‌‌hen I‌‌ f‌‌ound a‌‌ c‌‌hest f‌‌ull o‌‌f g‌‌old c‌‌oins.

I‌‌ w‌‌as a‌‌bout t‌‌o r‌‌un s‌‌traight h‌‌ome t‌‌o t‌‌ell m‌‌y w‌‌ife a‌‌bout i‌‌t, b‌‌ut t‌‌hen I‌‌ r‌‌emembered w‌‌hy I‌‌ w‌‌as d‌‌igging i‌‌n o‌‌ur g‌‌arden.

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A poem about positive thoughts

Little little bird in the sky

You look up it shits in your eye

You don’t weep you don’t cry

You thank god that cows don’t fly

‌‌A m‌‌a‌‌n i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g r‌‌elease‌‌d f‌‌ro‌‌m a‌‌‌‌ U‌‌‌‌S h‌‌ospital.

A‌‌s h‌‌‌‌e i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g e‌‌scorte‌‌d o‌‌u‌‌t b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ n‌‌urse‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e p‌‌asse‌‌s b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ p‌‌atient’‌‌s r‌‌oo‌‌m w‌‌it‌‌h t‌‌h‌‌e d‌‌oo‌‌r o‌‌pe‌‌n a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ee‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌al‌‌e p‌‌atien‌‌t i‌‌‌‌s m‌‌asturbatin‌‌g f‌‌uriously‌‌. C‌‌onfused‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e t‌‌urn‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌h‌...

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When you mom calls you by to ur full name

Mom : (a^2 + 2ab + b^2 )

(a+b)^2 : fuck...

ur mamma soooooo dumb

she though that Starbucks was alien currency.

My grandpa said ur generation relies too much on technology!

I said, " no your generation relies too much on technology!" Then... I unplugged his life support

Ur mom is 3/5 equine

She a hoe

How can u tell ur cannibal pizza is done?

The raw pizzas try to eat it

rose

Son: why is my sister named Rose?

Dad: cuz ur mom loves roses

Son: thanks dad!

Dad: No problem, Richard

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He mad...

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Turn ur head during head

I kept telling my girlfriend not to turn her head away near the end of a blow job...

Did she listen?
Did she fuck!

It went in one ear and out the other !!

A thug walks into a bar.

He sees a lone man sitting in front of his beer, crying.
He walks up to him, pushes him off the chair, slaps him left and right in the face and drinks his beer.

The man then started crying even louder and sobbing in absolute desperation.
The thug, annoyed, yelled: Why are you crying lik...

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Im a sucker for corney jokes so give me ur best joke! I need some laughter in my life :)

Here is one of my favorites

Guy goes into a bar with a giraffe and they get shit faced drunk. The giraffe passes out on the floor, the man starts to stumble out the door when the bartender yells "hey you can't leave that lying here!"
The man replies "it's not a lion it's a giraffe"
...

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Grandpa gets served.

Little Tommy sat on the porch with his grandpa while visiting last Summer. Grandpa tells Tommy to fetch him another beer from the ice chest Tommy was sitting on. Tommy hands over the beer and asks "May I have a beer too grandpa?" Grandpa looks Tommy up and down and replies " IDK son, can you dick re...

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Scientists estimate that there are about 100 billion people that have ever lived.

This implies that humans have had sex at least 100 billion times. However, this is nothing compared to the amount of times I did ur mom last night.

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Guys Be careful! I've been a victim of a clever scam while at Costco parking...

Don't be naive enough to think, it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehicle. They both start roaming around ur car n looking for their lost keys ,with their breasts almost falling...

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

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There are seven planets now...

Pluto got demoted and I destroyed ur-anus last night.

Ur mum is so ugly

That hello kitty said goodbye

NSFW - Two travellers are walking separate paths...a Scotsman and an Irishman....

The paths merge and they see each other....and acknowledge each other silently...and continue walking side by side.

After awhile, they come across a stone fence with a sheep stuck with its' head in it. The Scotsman turns to the Irishman and says "Och lad! Ya don' get many chances like this!"<...

‌‌Rule #‌‌1 f‌‌or l‌‌earning E‌‌nglish

Their o‌‌ur k‌‌now r‌‌ules!

What do you get if you stick ur finger up a moderators ass?

[DELETED]

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

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The wife just said "right, pack ur bags and go ya lazy bastard."

I said,"fuck off...you pack them."

I wonder ...

what people who type "u" and "ur" do with all the extra time.

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What’s the difference between your jokes and your penis?

Nobody laughs at your jokes

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A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it.
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants. The driver shouts out to the boy...

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SMS from my girl: If ur sleeping, send me ur dreams; if ur laughing, send me ur smile; if ur crying, send me ur tears.

Response: Honey I'm shitting, should I send you something?

joke,

When is it ok to beat up a dwarf



When he's standing next to ur girlfriend telling her, her hair smells nice

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What is it when u cum in the mouth of a chick that has braces?

The 1st time u see ur kid behind bars!

Town idiot got fed up of how dumb he is and decided to off himself

He hikes up the mountain to jump off the ledge. He's finally 30 feet away from the ledge when he hears an old man's voice "What r u doing up here young man?

The guy turns around and tells him about how he's the town idiot and fed up with his own stupidity and how he can't take it anymore. The...

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Two dudes are just hanging out

Dude 1 says "if you went camping and woke up with your pants around your ankles and semen coming out of ur ass, would you tell anyone?"

Dude 2 "No"

Dude 1 "You wanna go camping?"

What's the best joke on /r/jokes?

"Reposts will be removed at our discretion."

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Mike dies and goes to hell...

And he's terrified, but then Satan shows up and quips "Dude, why are you crying? Look around!".

Mike looks around and notices the area is not, as he expected, a flaming inferno, but actually a nice beach area.

"I thought I was in hell?"

"You are, but our promotion team is REALL...

My Grandfather sent me this earlier

The other day I went over to a nearby Pharmacy.

When I got there, I went straight to the back of the Store to where the Pharmacists' Counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

The Pharmacist came over smile...

I got my letter of acceptance to urology school today.

It read:

'Well done. Ur-ine'

A lawyer gets pulled up for overspeeding in Chicago.

Lawyer: Is there a problem, officer?

Officer: Sir, you were overspeeding.

Lawyer: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see ur license please?

Lawyer: I would have given it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Lawyer: Lost it four years ago for drunk dr...

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Two dyslexics with machine guns run into a bank and yell

Air in the hands
Mother stickers this is a fuck up

Why are modern cities all so prejudiced against ancient Sumerian cities?

They all have Ur-ban areas.

Two construction workers were eating lunch on a bench on the side of the road...

As they were eating lunch, they notice a very attractive woman walking on the other side of the road. The two workers start to cat call her until she stops and looks at them.
Once she looks at them, they make the notion for her flash them by pulling up on their shirts. The woman looks around and...

if someone is wearing a gap shirt ..

point to their shirt and say “there’s a hole in ur shirt!” when they look down, say “never mind it’s just a gap”

Crude Oil massage

Barber : shoul I massage ur head ?

Me : ok, which oil will u use ?

Barber : Almond Oil is for 250₹

Me : herbal oil ?

Barber: 150₹

Me: Coconut Oil

Barber : 100₹

Me : anything cheaper than this ?

Barber *to his helper* : chhotu, get that barrel...

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What does the starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?

they both circle Ur-Anus looking for Kling-Ons!

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Man running after the bus

Man is running after the bus and when it is obvious that he cannot make it punk shout from the window: "Hey asshole Ur pretty fucked up you are too slow". Well man stops and shout back: " yeah I'm asshole, but you are fucked up - I am the driver and forget to set handbrake"

A cook during medieval times is ordered to prepare a feast for the king...

Knowing this was a feast for the king, the cook prepared everything diligently and carefully. At the day of the feast, the king and his guests arrive and begin to eat. They are in love with the food from the lamb to the roast duck to even the soups. The king recognized the cooks ability and made him...

Detective: Where have you been the last 24 hours?

Me: I’ve been working on the railroad

Detective: For how long?

Me: Ur not going to believe this

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I was having a conversation in the bathroom with a group of guys about the two possible nationalities.

If you are in the bathroom, either European or ur a poopin.

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

My daughter called me at work and told me she was playing a new game...

Its called hold ur breath challenge, i smiled until she told me grandpa has a new record of 4hrs.

Teacher teacher ..[LONG]

TEACHER: What's wrong?

MUSA : Our house is very small.

MUSA: My mum,my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, Musa r u sleeping?' Then I say No & then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye"

TEACHER: Tonight when ur dad asks again, keep dead quiet. don'...

I bet I can make u say 5

How old were you when ur dad left

The two quotes that shows a person's true colors:

"It's just a game."

"Sir/Ma'am we ask u to wear ur mask."

Ever since I started taking drugs, I’ve been seeing things...

Who knew marijuana could cure blindness?!

I used to work at a psychiatric hospital

And this guy walks in wearing nothing but Saran wrap.

He tells the receptionist, “I think I need to see a psychiatrist.”

Receptionist replies, “no need for an evaluation. I can clearly see ur nuts.”

A reporter is interviewing a millionare

Reporter:how did you became a millionare?

Millionare: All of this is because of my wife, she helps me a lot

Reporter: Then what were you when u haven't met ur wife

Millionare: A billionaire.

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a cleaner knocks on the door of a hotel room

, after waiting awhile an Asian man answers the door. Cleaner says "Hey mate, where's ur bin?" The man replies "I bin on the loo" the cleaner says "no, where's ur dust bin" to which he replies "I dust bin on the loo" cleaner gets a bit annoyed "NO, where's ur wheelie bin" Asian man says "ok, I wheel...

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What planet stinks?

Ur anus

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This scientist goes to an all male tribe

Over the course of his stay, he gets curious and asks the tribe chief how the men have sex, so he tells him "Come down to the river tomorrow morning and we'll show you."
The next morning the scientist goes down to the river and sees all the men gathered round a donkey and the leader tells him tha...

A little boy heard about Jesus Christ on tv...

he wanted to know more about who was jesus so he went to this dad "hey dad who's jesus christ?" dad answered "not now son im busy with work, ask ur mom" so the boy went to his mom and asked "mom who's jesus christ?" ,mom answered "baby im washing the dishes right now, ask ur sister" so the boy went ...

What’s the difference between a priest and a pimple?

A pimple waits till ur 12 before it comes on your face,

Hey girl, are you a urinary tract infection?

‘Cuz ur-in-ate out of 10

A naked lady ran into a taxi.

She told the driver where she was going. The man didn’t start the car but he was just staring at the girl over & over again.The lady saw him and said:"What’s ur problem man? Haven’t u seen a naked lady before?"The man replied: "l am not looking at ur nakedness, I was just wondering where you hav...

Plethora ..

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend,

Bill remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist wud smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and top off that with abundant mouthwash.

As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.

The dentist told him to take a seat....

What's the best thing about dating a homeless woman?...

When ur done, u can drop her off anywhere.

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Blind man in a Hotel...

Manager - Menu Sir ??

Man - I'm blind, just bring me ur kitchen spoon, I'll smell it & order.

Manager got a spoon
Blind man smelt & said "Yes, I'll have garlic bread with seasoned potatoes...

"Unbelievable" said the manager...

Every week he came & was corre...

Boss hangs a poster in office

Boss hangs a poster in office
‘I am the boss, dont forget’

He returns from lunch,
finds a slip on his desk,
‘ur wife called, she wants her poster back home..!!’

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When life gives you lemons...

Get a job and stop worrying abt ur fuckin’ lemons

So my commander in the army decided to tell a story to pass the time...

Commander: Today very boring, nevermind, I tell y'all a story.

Usually when me and the other commanders gather around we like talk about experiences the night before with our wives before we book in (come back into camp).

So commander A was telling us over breakfast that his wife made...

The bar with the great 12-inch pianist



A man walks in to a bar to see a 12-inch pianist playing piano and he is amazing. He asked the bar tender where did you get this guy from? The bar tender tells him don’t even bring him up. The man kept ordering drinks and tipping so that the bar tender can finally answer his question.
...

Enjoy Your Sunday

Husband: Today is sunday &
I have to enjoy it.
So i bought 3 movie tickets.

Wife: why three?

Husband: for u and ur parents.

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A man calls his secretary...

A man calls his secretary, but the call goes to his boss instead. The man says “Hey! Get ur lazy ass up and bring me a damn coffee!” The boss, a firm believer in respect in the workplace, is outraged! She says “Listen here, sir! I am the manager of this company! Furthermore, I own this entire buildi...

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A Sexy Lady

A lady in a bar walks to the bartender
& put her finger into bartender's mouth...

bartender lustly kisses & licks each finger...

lady: tell ur manager ders no tissues..

Hmmmmmmmm

pH number.

So a random person I don't know sends me a message on Facebook which goes like, "cn i hve ur pH no? :)"

To which I reply, "7."

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Larry has broken his leg & his buddy Harry comes over 2 see him.

Larry has broken his leg & his buddy Harry comes over 2 see him.

Harry: How r u doing??

Larry: Fine.
Hey, do me a favor.. Go upstairs & get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!

Harry goes upstairs & sees Larry's hot twin sisters lying on the bed.

Harr...

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My mom played herself.

My mom was getting annoyed because I kept saying “ur mum gay” so finally one day she said “well maybe your mom is gay”. It was short, but I couldn’t stop laughing for like 5 minutes.

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What's the difference between a sheep and a ram?

I can't sheep my dick into ur ass

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A Pakistani soldier

was telling his friends about his training and first Sky dive with US Air Force

"When I got to the door of the plane and looked down 20,000 feet below, I froze and couldn't jump."

"So the 6'6" tall African-American instructor unzipped his fly and dropped out his 12 inch dick and said, ...

A dystopian future

Mr. and Mrs. Thyme are two people living in a dystopian future where babies are assigned a random combination of letters and numbers for a name, such as DL-6 or UR-1. However, due to a large amount of protesters, the law has been changed so that parents can choose their own name if they run to the c...

Sometime in the Middle Ages

Queen: come to bed

King: not until i have a name for my soldiers

Queen: k night

King: babe ur a genius

_______________________________

(Source: @fro_vo on Twitter)

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So a new guy joins the navy...

And when he gets on his first boat, the captain welcomes him. “What’s up new guy, lemme show u around the ship.” For the next few hours they tour the ship going from bunks to the corridors, everything you can imagine. Eventually the new guy stops him with a question in mind.
He asks, “ Hey, it’s...

A critic reserves a table at a popular restaurant

It's quite posh, but the restaurant's real claim to fame is the speed of service.

Sure enough, everything flows like clockwork. The diner is seated shortly after arriving, and a waiter arrives quickly to take his order.

While he's waiting for food, the man kids around the restaurant. T...

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The perfect response to the age-old insult

"Ur mum's gay!"

"Which one?"

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