Ur Jokes - 85 Hilarious Ur Jokes

What's worse then ants in ur pants?

... uncle's

ur mother is so massive

the escape velocity at her surface exceeds 3x10^8 m/s

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He mad...

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When you mom calls you by to ur full name

Mom : (a^2 + 2ab + b^2 )

(a+b)^2 : fuck...

ur mamma soooooo dumb

she though that Starbucks was alien currency.

My grandpa said ur generation relies too much on technology!

I said, " no your generation relies too much on technology!" Then... I unplugged his life support

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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.<...

During a job interview yestarday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%"

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SMS from my girl: If ur sleeping, send me ur dreams; if ur laughing, send me ur smile; if ur crying, send me ur tears.

Response: Honey I'm shitting, should I send you something?

"Listen son, I don't really think ur depression jokes are appropriate"

"what jokes"

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How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

Ur mom is 3/5 equine

She a hoe

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Turn ur head during head

I kept telling my girlfriend not to turn her head away near the end of a blow job...

Did she listen?
Did she fuck!

It went in one ear and out the other !!

Greta Thunberg has just been confirmed as a huge polluter.

Her Tweet to Tater-Tot was easily the biggest burn in history.

Bubbles

There were a few ducks in the park blowing bubbles, and a police officer gave them a ticket. They went to court and the first duck went in to see the judge.

The judge asks, "What is ur name and why are you here?" The duck said, "My name is quack and I'm here for blowing bubbles in a park." <...

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When ur butt's wet

It's called buttsweat

How can u tell ur cannibal pizza is done?

The raw pizzas try to eat it

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

Please can we stop with the ur mom jokes, they are getting really boring and are doing my head in

Just like ur mom

Ur mum is so ugly

That hello kitty said goodbye

Socrates the philosopher

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It...

(Real story) my wife suggested we get a muzzle because her sister was visiting and was scared of our German Sheppard

I told her:
-Sure! What size of a trap does ur sister have?

I could tell u a roof joke

But it probably just go over ur head

What's the best part about being 111 years old?

There's no peer pressure.

What's the best joke on /r/jokes?

"Reposts will be removed at our discretion."

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I have a difficult confession to make: I sometimes masturbate in the shower.

It feels good to come clean...

A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...

...and shouts "your money or your life!"

The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

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The wife just said "right, pack ur bags and go ya lazy bastard."

I said,"fuck off...you pack them."

Overworked Office Manager

Salesperson: "This computer will cut your workload by 50%"

Office manager: "That's great, I'll take two of them"

An old man is dying..

His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.

Urine

more like ur-out

It was a day like any other at the office for Dave, when all of a sudden, a bear opens his door.

"We're out of coffee," says the Bear, and it left.

Dave was obviously surprised that a literal bear opened his door. He almost thought he may have been smoking something, but he brushed it off immediately. "Maybe someone is pulling a prank, I don't know." But later when he goes to the break r...

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A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it.
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants. The driver shouts out to the boy...

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Two dyslexics with machine guns run into a bank and yell

Air in the hands
Mother stickers this is a fuck up

4 religious women were chatting

First woman mentions her son:

-My son is a priest, whenever he enters a community, people stand up and call him, "Father, welcome"

The second woman doesn't seem impressed:

-My son is a bishop, people call him "Your excellency" when he is in a community.

The third woman ta...

Twelve signs that you're an idiot:

1. Aries,
2. Taurus,
3. Gemini,
4. Cancer,
5. Leo,
6. Virgo,
7. Libra,
8. Scorpio,
9. Sagittarius,
10. Capricorn,
11. Aquarius, and
12. Pisces

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a cleaner knocks on the door of a hotel room

, after waiting awhile an Asian man answers the door. Cleaner says "Hey mate, where's ur bin?" The man replies "I bin on the loo" the cleaner says "no, where's ur dust bin" to which he replies "I dust bin on the loo" cleaner gets a bit annoyed "NO, where's ur wheelie bin" Asian man says "ok, I wheel...

A pee fetish isn't something you do half-hearted.

Either urine or you're out.

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Guys Be careful! I've been a victim of a clever scam while at Costco parking...

Don't be naive enough to think, it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehicle. They both start roaming around ur car n looking for their lost keys ,with their breasts almost falling...

I hate people who don't know the difference between "your" and "you're"

There so stupid

What did the Urologist say to the student who just got accepted in Urology School?

"Urine"

My Grandfather sent me this earlier

The other day I went over to a nearby Pharmacy.

When I got there, I went straight to the back of the Store to where the Pharmacists' Counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

The Pharmacist came over smile...

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Scientists estimate that there are about 100 billion people that have ever lived.

This implies that humans have had sex at least 100 billion times. However, this is nothing compared to the amount of times I did ur mom last night.

joke,

When is it ok to beat up a dwarf

When he's standing next to ur girlfriend telling her, her hair smells nice

I wonder ...

what people who type "u" and "ur" do with all the extra time.

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What is it when u cum in the mouth of a chick that has braces?

The 1st time u see ur kid behind bars!

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What’s the difference between your jokes and your penis?

Nobody laughs at your jokes

A little boy heard about Jesus Christ on tv...

he wanted to know more about who was jesus so he went to this dad "hey dad who's jesus christ?" dad answered "not now son im busy with work, ask ur mom" so the boy went to his mom and asked "mom who's jesus christ?" ,mom answered "baby im washing the dishes right now, ask ur sister" so the boy went ...

A naked lady ran into a taxi.

She told the driver where she was going. The man didn’t start the car but he was just staring at the girl over & over again.The lady saw him and said:"What’s ur problem man? Haven’t u seen a naked lady before?"The man replied: "l am not looking at ur nakedness, I was just wondering where you hav...

Terrorists have hijacked a plane filled with politicians...

They say they will release one politician per hour if their demands aren't met.

I got my letter of acceptance to urology school today.

It read:

'Well done. Ur-ine'

Yo mama's so ugly

She took off her facemask during quarantine and was arrested for indecent exposure

Two construction workers were eating lunch on a bench on the side of the road...

As they were eating lunch, they notice a very attractive woman walking on the other side of the road. The two workers start to cat call her until she stops and looks at them.
Once she looks at them, they make the notion for her flash them by pulling up on their shirts. The woman looks around and...

Why are modern cities all so prejudiced against ancient Sumerian cities?

They all have Ur-ban areas.

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

One looks up ur family tree. The other looks up ur family bush

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Two dudes are just hanging out

Dude 1 says "if you went camping and woke up with your pants around your ankles and semen coming out of ur ass, would you tell anyone?"

Dude 2 "No"

Dude 1 "You wanna go camping?"

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What does the starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?

they both circle Ur-Anus looking for Kling-Ons!

I bet I can make u say 5

How old were you when ur dad left

The kidnap

A blonde is running a little short of cash, so she goes to the playground and kidnaps Johnny.

She takes him to her home and writes a note:

\- “If you want to see Johnny again, leave $10,000 in unmarked bills in a plain paper bag by the merry-go-round at the playground by 8 AM tomorro...

My Mother was so Savage!

She always used to say to me, "Why can't you be like your cousin Walter?" "Why can't you be like your cousin Walter?"

Cousin Walter died at birth!

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I was having a conversation in the bathroom with a group of guys about the two possible nationalities.

If you are in the bathroom, either European or ur a poopin.

NSFW - Two travellers are walking separate paths...a Scotsman and an Irishman....

The paths merge and they see each other....and acknowledge each other silently...and continue walking side by side.

After awhile, they come across a stone fence with a sheep stuck with its' head in it. The Scotsman turns to the Irishman and says "Och lad! Ya don' get many chances like this!"<...

if someone is wearing a gap shirt ..

point to their shirt and say “there’s a hole in ur shirt!” when they look down, say “never mind it’s just a gap”

My daughter called me at work and told me she was playing a new game...

Its called hold ur breath challenge, i smiled until she told me grandpa has a new record of 4hrs.

Detective: Where have you been the last 24 hours?

Me: I’ve been working on the railroad

Detective: For how long?

Me: Ur not going to believe this

The two quotes that shows a person's true colors:

"It's just a game."

"Sir/Ma'am we ask u to wear ur mask."

My wife asked me which one of her friends would I fancy for a threesome

Turns out I should have stopped at one....

Town idiot got fed up of how dumb he is and decided to off himself

He hikes up the mountain to jump off the ledge. He's finally 30 feet away from the ledge when he hears an old man's voice "What r u doing up here young man?

The guy turns around and tells him about how he's the town idiot and fed up with his own stupidity and how he can't take it anymore. The...

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Blind man in a Hotel...

Manager - Menu Sir ??

Man - I'm blind, just bring me ur kitchen spoon, I'll smell it & order.

Manager got a spoon
Blind man smelt & said "Yes, I'll have garlic bread with seasoned potatoes...

"Unbelievable" said the manager...

Every week he came & was corre...

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What planet stinks?

Ur anus

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Egg and hen.

The egg and the hen are sitting in the waiting room. The nurse comes out and asks, so who was first? The egg turns red and says, fuck you with this already.

Dad and son octopus crossing the road, dad said to his son:

gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand. (Courtesy of my 1st grader).

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey...

What's the best thing about dating a homeless woman?...

When ur done, u can drop her off anywhere.

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A man calls his secretary...

A man calls his secretary, but the call goes to his boss instead. The man says “Hey! Get ur lazy ass up and bring me a damn coffee!” The boss, a firm believer in respect in the workplace, is outraged! She says “Listen here, sir! I am the manager of this company! Furthermore, I own this entire buildi...

Hey girl, are you a urinary tract infection?

‘Cuz ur-in-ate out of 10

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This scientist goes to an all male tribe

Over the course of his stay, he gets curious and asks the tribe chief how the men have sex, so he tells him "Come down to the river tomorrow morning and we'll show you."
The next morning the scientist goes down to the river and sees all the men gathered round a donkey and the leader tells him tha...

What’s the difference between a priest and a pimple?

A pimple waits till ur 12 before it comes on your face,

A thug walks into a bar.

He sees a lone man sitting in front of his beer, crying.
He walks up to him, pushes him off the chair, slaps him left and right in the face and drinks his beer.

The man then started crying even louder and sobbing in absolute desperation.
The thug, annoyed, yelled: Why are you crying lik...

First post here!

What does Dr.Doofenschmitz pee in? A ur**inator!**

A reporter is interviewing a millionare

Reporter:how did you became a millionare?

Millionare: All of this is because of my wife, she helps me a lot

Reporter: Then what were you when u haven't met ur wife

Millionare: A billionaire.

The Mrs. says I’m spending too much time browsing Reddit and not enough with her.

Guess I gotta work on my lurk-wife balance.

On a flight from Dublin, Ireland to Boston, the chief flight attendant made an announcement...

"Due to a terrible mistake by the airline's caterer, there are only 80 dinners instead of the 225 required to feed all the passengers on board. To fix the situation, we are offering unlimited drinks to anybody who is willing to give up their meal".

Two hours before landing, another announce...

Crude Oil massage

Barber : shoul I massage ur head ?

Me : ok, which oil will u use ?

Barber : Almond Oil is for 250₹

Me : herbal oil ?

Barber: 150₹

Me: Coconut Oil

Barber : 100₹

Me : anything cheaper than this ?

Barber *to his helper* : chhotu, get that barrel...

"What do you wish to do in the future?" asks the teacher.

Pete: "I want to be a pilot"

Tommy: "I want to be a doctor"

Margaret: "I want to be a good mother"

Frank: "I want to help Margaret"

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