Upvote Jokes - 122 Hilarious Upvote Jokes

What do you call a joke with only two upvotes?

Original material.

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My wife said if this gets 100 upvotes we can try anal

Please, stop upvoting! Her cock is huge!

nobody seems to upvote a cake joke on cakeday anymore

Feeling desserted

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted

Edit: oh wow, this was my first time karma whoring on my cake day and I honestly wasn’t expecting this much attention. Thank you for all the awards and sorry if I didn’t respond to all the messages.

Shoutout to u/sse2k for “letting” me repost his joke.

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For every upvote this gets, my girlfriend and I will try one thrust of anal sex.

Please don't upvote. Her strap-on is huge.

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My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.

What happens when you don't get any upvotes on your cake day....

You feel desserted.

The year is 2028 and /r/Jokes is still going strong.

A new user gets on to /r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The mod repl...

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Upvote this if you have a small penis

Damn you auto-upvote!

Why are reposts always upvoted more than original jokes?

You need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.

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My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.

I've posted 9 puns here in this sub but none of them got upvoted. If this one doesn't either, then...

...no pun in ten did

My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!!

Upvote for visibility.

I'm not saying you will down vote this, nor I will say you will upvote it…

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two inte...

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Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The authorities put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

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My Gf says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle

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The coast guard fined my girlfriend and I for having sex in the ocean.

Apparently off-shore drilling is prohibited.

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted.

Happy cake day to me :)

Friend: "how hard is it to get upvotes on reddit?"

I told him it was a piece of cake.

I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don’t have 2020 vision

This is the only day you can upvote this

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands

You really should upvote this joke because it never gets old

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If you're questioning your sexuality...

You probably aren't thinking straight.

Why did the Fox News Christmas tree catch fire?

They left it too close to the gaslight.

Yo Mama so fat that when she slid into my DMs….

My phone ran out of space.

Why didn't Gordon Ramsay upvote the picture of the lamb steak?

Because it was /r/aww

What do I know about bonsai trees?

Very little. (Edit: wow! Silver, gold, and platinum! Thanks, anonymous Redditor(s). And six (6!) upvotes!)

My girlfriend thinks I’m terrible in bed.

Kind of an unfair judgement to make in less than a minute.

Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

The other says

"No"

A racist, a murderer, and a wife beater walk into a bar

The bartender says, "what can I get you officer?"

As soon as he clicked on the title...

...he realized that someone was narrating him while he was browsing reddit.
He chuckled and left an upvote, ready to read some more reposted jokes.

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If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer

Edit: thank you for the gold, 7k upvotes, and 8 followers
r/emojiliberationarmy GANG🤪🤪😋😋🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🤤🤤🥱🥱🤠🤠🤠🤠🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑😈😈😈

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A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, " like a glove."

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!

ETA: GUYS! Thanks so much for the upvotes, I've never had so many! Y'all made my night!

I just farted on my wallet

Now I have Gas Money!

*Told to me by my 9 year old daughter, who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)

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I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said "Bathroom closed"

What does a girl want more than anything in the world?

Nothing. She's fine.

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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

I am surprised I didn't get any upvotes on the joke about a spine that I posted recently.

It was about a week back.

Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler

So the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Edit:
This got a lot more upvotes than i expected.

I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”

But today, I ran over 5 miles

A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day.

The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair.They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair i...

[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

*Wow this blew up!! I didn't expect it to get so many upvotes! THANK YOU! I heard this joke from my friend today and I decided to share it with Reddit.*

*Thank you for the silver! First time receivi...

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday.

Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

I named my kid Bob Ross

He was a happy little accident.

A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated.

Edit: mother of three...
Edit: mother of two...
Edit: mother of one...

*Thanks for the upvotes, never thought I'd make it to the front page!!

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Yo mama so dumb

that she spent 5 hours staring at a glass of orange juice because it said ‘concentrate’ on the package.

What's blue and doesn't weigh much?

Light blue.

Why was the little ink drop crying?

His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.

My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.

And I answered, because of the decepticons!

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.

It was a good time.

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Edit: Thank you all for the upvotes and yes, this is a adaption to an old joke, i thought it was fitting regarding todays article about Alexa "laug...

If you upvote this post, later this week money will enter into your life.

I call it a praycheck

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings"....

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Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

So a village boy and a modern girl fall in love and want to try 69

The boy doesn’t know about 69 so the girl takes the lead.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts out uncontrollably directly in his face. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises.

She squats down for another go but farts again, thi...

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Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

Why didn’t the antivaxx kid get any upvotes.

Because he died in new.

Whenever I get a stack of resumes, I throw half of them in the trash

I sure don't want unlucky people on my team.

A man is stuck in a traffic jam

A man is struck in a traffic jam

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire politicians, and they are asking for a 1 million crore rupees ransom.

Otherwise, they are gong to...

I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.

She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.

I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

A Couple is Walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve...

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it rain...

What do you call it when a banana eats another banana?

Canabananalism

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

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Poker is like sex

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand

Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner

Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes pu...

Teach a man how to joke and he'll get 6 upvotes

Teach a man how to repost, and watch him get loads of awards

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Wife: Stop pretending your life is a youtube video!! It's ruining our marriage!

Me: Do you guys think it's ruining our marriage? Let me know in the comments below!

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I was telling this girl about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"

“Yesterday." I replied.

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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

A man dies and goes to hell

There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

"What do they do there?"

He told, "First they put you in an electric chair♨ for an hour.

Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the German devil...

So I went to a mixed religion seminar...

The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!

I was less amused...

50s Soviet joke

Who is your mother?

Our great Soviet country.

Who is your father?

Our dear comrade Stalin.

What's your greatest desire?

Becoming an orphan.

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What do Japanese cannibals eat

Rawmen

Edit: Wow my first post is actually doing pretty well.
Thanks for upvotes and comments. I really don't know how to react.

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going o...

My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats

"That's nuts!" I exclaimed.

My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much

After how few of you have upvoted my jokes, I think I figured out the problem.

I'm not very funny.

A Collie was talking about how hard he works on the farm where he lives.

A nearby sheep piped up 'YOU don't work hard, all you do is boss US around.' 'WHAT DID YOU SAY' shouted the collie. 'You herd me' the sheep replied

Edit: thanks for all the upvotes, this is my first post ever on here!!!

Edit 2: removed emoji

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I started a dating site for older people.

OK Boomer

Today I got a girlfriend

I wish I could post this in another subreddit.

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland.
When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."
...

What's the difference between a good sound system and farming for upvotes?

One is a Harman Kardon and the other is a karma hard-on.

I Dyed A Bit When I Wrote This

Many years ago, I came home from work one day and noticed my fiance had dyed her hair.

“Purple, really?”

“Fushia”

“What’s the difference?”

“Fuschia is purple with some red and pink in it., It’s not really purple.”

I gave her a hard time for a long time, until she g...

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by bea...

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Wife walks up to husband, takes off her pants and says, "Make me feel like a woman"

Husband takes off his pants, tosses it to his wife and says, "That needs a wash."

~~Edit: I had a feeling butthurt people will be coming in shortly. Bring on the downvotes!~~

Edit #2: I didn't realize that my joke would garner such a decent amount of upvotes. I was honestly confident t...

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A bear walks into a bar...

The bear says: “I’d like a whiskey and............................coke please.

Bartender says: “Why the big pause?”

Bear replies: “I was born with them.”

Edit:
Thanks for the upvotes! I actually lived this joke right before posting while making dinner for my kids (changed t...

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My wife said that if this post gets 10,000 upvotes, we can have butt sex

Her exact words were, "you can have anything but sex"

Can I have your upvote?

I have kleptomania.

My gaming friends told me if I posted here today I'd get loads of upvotes...

But the cake is a lie.

When the human body dies, what's the last part to die?

The pupils. They dilate.

A joke is like a frog...

When you dissect it, it dies.
Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it.
Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just...

CoD WW2 is so realistic...

Even the servers are from 1941.

What's the best way to get upvotes on Christmas Eve?

It's a piece of cake.

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I hope death is a woman

That way it will never come for me.

Edit 1: Thank you so much for the silver!!

Edit 2: 1500+ upvotes holy crap!!!

Why didn’t the salad get an upvote?

It got tossed

What kind of food gets the most upvotes on reddit?

The cake that appears next to your name once a year.

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The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

Why does the Norway Navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian!

Edit: whoops I meant Norwegian Navy

Edit 2: Thanks to commenters I have links to other people who have posted this joke! I haven’t been around very long so I didn’t know, go give them an upvote as well if you’d like!

2015:...

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Reddit upvote system reminds me of my sex life.

The first one free after that you gotta actually try

I posted ten puns here to see which would receive 1000 upvotes

No pun in ten did.

Why do reposts get more upvotes than original posts?

With every repost, there are more people who finally understand the joke

When the smog clears over Los Angeles...

... U.C.L.A.

I am not at all sorry for this joke.

If I get one upvote I'll get drunk by myself tonight.

Edit: Well okay, thanks Reddit, I upvoted it myself.

99 programming bugs in the code

99 programming bugs in the code.

99 programming bugs.

Take one down, patch it all up.

111 programming bugs in the code.

EDIT: FRONT PAGE! HOLY COW! Thanks so much, reddit! Credit goes to my IT teacher.
EDIT 2: WE SURPASSED 1K UPVOTES!?!?! THANKS!

What's the opposite of an empath?

A W-path.

*edit* Thanks for the upvotes. My ten year old stepson made this one up, and he's very proud that his joke got so many upvotes.

What is a Linux user's favorite game?

sudo ku

Five redditors are walking in the forest...

...when they find a lamp on the ground. One of them rubs it, and (as expected), a genie appears. Because he's feeling particularly generous, the genie decides to grant all five of them one wish each.

The first one steps forward. "I would like a ten-inch-tall piano player, please". The genie ...

How will you know if you die of the Delta variant of COVID?

On your way to heaven or wherever, you'll make a stop in Atlanta.

*Edit: Thanks for the upvotes and comments. Per feedback, it might be better as "On your way to heaven, you'll have a layover in Atlanta."*

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Onestone

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!"

The word got arou...

The color of the upvote is red, that’s why it’s called Reddit

*just a joke no need to get aggressive*

I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn’t like it.

So I choose not to post it this time around

Edit: Thanks for the 1000 upvotes this time guys!
( Edited when I only had 27)

Wikipedia suggests the third oldest joke in the world has a missing punchline. I’d like to suggest that Reddit’s most upvoted punchline is the true punchline

From the history segment on the Wikipedia article for joke.

The tale of the three ox drivers from Adab completes the three known oldest jokes in the world. This is a comic triple dating back to 1200 BC Adab. It concerns three men seeking justice from a king on the matter of ownership over a ...

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A villager had a small penis and hated it...

One day, he decided he's had enough of his pitiful manhood and goes to see the village elder.

The elder referred him to a shaman living in the center of a village, so he went to see the shaman. When he got there, he told the shaman about his small penis.

The shaman nodded his head, and...

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My wife says that she will have butt sex if this hits the front page by the morning.

Please don't upvote she is on a business trip until tuesday.

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Batman and Robin go out for a few drinks

Both superheroes are exhausted after a long week of non-stop crime fighting, and decide to chill for a few a hours at the local watering hole.

Robin knows his friend has been working way too hard and for long hours. So he thinks, what the heck, he can get drunk and relax. He decides to remain...

I hate it when people come and bang on your door spouting nonsense like, "You need to be saved or you'll burn!"

Stupid firemen...

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...

..I will find you. You have my Word.

---

What do you call it when you get upvotes on r/cars?

car-ma

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