What are the two steps to marrying a country girl?

First; a tractor.


Next; fertilizer.

How to start a fight on Internet in two steps

1. Express your opinion.
2. Wait.

'How to break up with your girlfriend: a two step process'

Step 1: take off your glasses

Step 2: say: 'I'm afraid I can't see you anymore!'

I played Two Steps From Hell to my cat, and she became a lion. I played it to my son,

he’s still a disappointment.

Mulla Nasruddin, having said his Friday prayers, was exiting the mosque.

And when you stepped out of the mosque and into the street, you could be sure you would come across a beggar or two. Some were so regular that they were almost glued to their chosen spots. Mulla Nasruddin knew that this was a good place for them to be. After all, people came out from their prayers f...

They key to being successful and happy is in two steps.

1) Don't tell everyone everything you know.


2)

Private Jones’ mother has died.

A Captain calls in the Sergeant. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother has died. Better go tell him and send him to see me.”

The Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.

“Listen up, men!” he says. “Johnson, step out and report to the mess...

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So these three friends went to a park to enjoy their Sunday.

Jim, Tim and Maximilian found a place near a tree to settle down and lay out their stuff. They'd been through a hectic week and they deserved this break, particularly Tim, who had been through the most. So they pulled out their drinks and lay it on the mat, and set up their radio to play some relaxi...

Timmy walked into class 2 hours late

His teacher said "Timmy! Why are you two hours late?"

Timmy said "Teacher, it was so cold and icy out there whenever I took a step forward I slid two steps back."

The teacher said "Then how in the world did you get to school?"

Timmy said "I asked myself the same thing and after...

On a bitter cold day, Hank visited Lou

"I had a rough time getting here", said Hank, "for every step forward forward I slid back two!"

"But if you slid back two steps for every step you took forward, how'd you get here?", asked Lou.

"I almost didn't, but then I said to myself 'forget it', and turned around and started back ...

A blonde, redhead and brunette die and God appears before them

Mesmerized by their beauty (yes, he didn't create them ffs) he gives them a challenge. "For each step you take on the staircase to heaven, I will tell a dark joke. If you laugh, then you will fall straight to hell. Otherwise, despite all your sins, I will let you enter the gates of heaven".

A...

What did a dog’s hind legs say to the front legs?

Why must you always be two steps ahead.

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A Frenchman, a Scotsman and a German...

... are at a public swimming pool.

This place has just opened a very special 10 meter high diving tower: for a fee of just $20, a patented device automatically fills the pool with the liquid you desire.

The Frenchman is excited. He pays, climbs up the ladder, shouts "Champagne" and the...

On the parade ground of an army camp full of national service recruits.

The Sergeant is not known for his diplomacy and constantly screams at the recruits. At the end of one parade, just before giving the order to fall out he shouts out “Private Brown, your mother has died. Fall out!” Private Brown simply collapses in shock.

The Captain hears this and shakes his ...

Throwing Watches

Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.

The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken three steps. The second threw his watch an...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

The Cathedral of San Giovanni

The City-State of San Giovanni is largely forgotten today. In 1571, however, it was a wonderful place to be for both the secular and the spiritual. The was no war for three centuries, the market benefited from its close proximity to the Old Salt Route, and the artist community was vibrant and influe...

It is 1am when a drunk man at the bar decided to call it a night.

He leaves the bar completely drunk, tries to take two steps and collapses miserably on the floor.

He says to himself: "Well, my poor old man, you’ve had a bit too much .... let's to crawl to the exit to breathe some fresh air, it'll be better afterwards”.



He crawls outside an...

Learning to waltz is hard.

It feels like I'm taking two steps forward, then one step back.

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A priest walks into a bar

A priest walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and asks for a drink.

“Sorry,” says the bartender, “we don’t serve your kind here.”

Baffled, the priest tries to object, but before he can, the bartender walks off. So, furious, the priest just decides to leave. But as he’s walkin...

'One day, in ancient Egypt, Bastet went to her temple for a meal, but found that her priests were late.'

'She was quite annoyed, but they had served her well for many years, so when one of her priests arrived, she gave him the opportunity to explain himself.

'"Oh, great Bastet, please show mercy on us, your humble servants! A stranger with a strange god has come and is making demands of the Pha...

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The Salesman

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad.

The boss lik...

Two Irish guys, Paddy and Mick are drunk in a newly renovated pub in their town

Paddy announces that he has to go to the bathroom.

"I'llll assk the baarman where the bog isss" Paddy mumbles to his mate and then he stumbles up to the bar.

"Wherrre'ss the jack's?" He asks the barman.

Pointing to a door in the back, the barman says "Go through that door, take...

Did you hear about the young lady who was addicted to line dancing?

They put her in a two step program.

An elderly man is concerned about his wife’s hearing.

He decides to do a test. He smells her making dinner, so he stands in the living room and says, in a normal speaking voice, “What’s for dinner?” He hears no response.

He moves two steps towards her and asks again. “What’s for dinner?” He hears no response.

He moves a few steps again s...

Tim is out drinking one night...

He wants to go home but is extremely drunk so he decides to walk. After two steps he falls down. He stands up, walks another two steps and falls down again. This continues all the way home where he climbs up the stairs in agony but doesn't utter a single groan since he doesn't want his wife to notic...

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A drunk looks at his watch...

A man, who has fattened the coffers of the local pub this night, looks at his watch and says, "Well, it's about time I go home, and spend some quality time with the wife."

He gets out of his chair, and can't even take two steps without falling on his face. "Don't worry!" he yells, "I can jus...

Life is a lot like chess

You've always got to be thinking two steps ahead.

And most people want to be white.

He's Watching!

A burglar breaks into a house at night. As he walks through the living room, he is startled when he hears this. "I see you. And so does Jesus!" The burglar is perplexed and looks around with his flashlight but sees nothing. He starts to walk and takes two steps and hears again, "I see you. And...

I work at an unusual restaurant......

The owner is woman name Lily who liked to drink a lot. She had the restaurant’s logo, the label from a bottle of vodka, drawn on everything. Chairs, tables, light fixtures, bathroom sinks, etc. They were everywhere! Worse yet, it was done with a #2 pencil. The weird owner would also keep all the lar...

Inventors

Tesla, Ford, and Edison were all standing on a stage, presenting their latest findings.

Tesla strolled forward and announced that he had invented a brand new way to transmit energy through the air! The crowd clapped politely.

Ford was next, and pulled the cover off a large engine. He ...

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The Leprechaun (NSFW)

A guy walks into the bar bathroom and begins to relieve himself at a urinal. Shortly thereafter a short man walks in and does the same in the next urinal over. The taller gentleman catches himself sneaking a peek and notices the short man's penis is exceptionally large. Embarrassed, he apologizes...

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A man sits quietly at a bar, having a beer...

... When the doors to the bar fly open and an old, dirty, scraggly bearded man walks in. He looks around the bar until he spots the man at the bar, quietly drinking a beer.

"You!" The old man points at the man at the bar, "I fucked your mother!"

The whole bar takes notice, and looks at...

A scientist is running experiments with spiders...

He believes he has discovered something profound so he calls up everyone he can, family, friends, press to come see him present his discovery to the world.

Everyone shows up and the scientist begins his experiment. He has 8 spiders lined up in a row and he says simply "walk three steps forwar...

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Irritating

An irritating friend took a drink from my wife's beer and said, "Ha,Ha, this is one step from kissing your wife!"

"Yes it is," I replied, "and two steps from sucking my dick."

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Murphy...

...had had a very rough life. He was orphaned at the age of four, and was physically abused at every foster home he lived in. When he made it to high school, he was determined to study hard and make something of himself. But he was a sickly boy, and missed so much school that he didn't graduate.<...

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A plane crashes on an island...

Once a plane crashed on an island.Three passengers managed to grab parachutes and landed safely only to find them surrounded by cannibals.The cannibals' leader approached them and said:"You three have only two choices.Either we eat you or you complete a task i give you and you will be free."
The ...

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Once upon a time there was a princess.

This princess could never get her father, the king, to approve of any man she brought home. She brought home a baker, a farmer, a lord, even a few knights, but no matter their social standing, wealth, or intelligence, her father would not approve. Exasperated with trying and failing to find a prince...

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Probably longest spider-joke in the world

There was this manager of a psychiatric ward who walks down the aisles to look if everything is in order. As he walks by one of the rooms, a patient approaches him: *"Sir you need to see what I just found out. This is a discovery no one has made before."* As the manager had nothing better to do and ...

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