UPJOKE

I Went To The Doctor Jokes

I went to the doctors with hearing problems...

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair"

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I went to the doctor today and said

“Doctor, my ass hurts!” He said
“Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?” I said
“Right around the entrance!” He replied
“My advice is that as long as you call that the entrance, it’s gonna hurt.”

I went to the doctor to get a prostate exam.

The doctor told me to take my jeans and underpants off and to bend over the table.
As he was putting plastic gloves on, he said:

”Alright Steve, don’t get hard this time.”

”My name’s not Steve” I said.

”Yes, I know. I am Steve”.

I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

I went to the doctor

Today I went to the doctor and asked: Hey, doc, at my weight, what's the optimal height.

He said: 4 meters.

I went to the doctors and said

"every time I drink a cup of tea or coffe, I get a shooting pain in my eye"

Doctors said "just take the spoon out the cup next time".

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I went to the doctors' this morning...

"It's my testicles, doctor." I told her. "One of them isn't normal."

"Excuse me?" She said, rather abruptly. "Are these your certificates on the wall? Did you spend the best part of a decade earning a medical degree? Is that your name on this office door? Are YOU a doctor?"


"Err, n...

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I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is a young female and drop dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out."

I said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny”.

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I went to the doctor, turns out I'm constipated...

No shit

I went to the doctor to get a vasectomy.

The doctor said, "This a really big decision you know. Have you discussed it with your wife and kids?”

I said, "Yes, they’re in favor 14 to 3.."

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I went to the doctor today...

He had me take off my clothes and put on a gown so he could complete a full physical. I was worried I would be receiving a prostate exam. Anyways, he walked back in and had me pull my gown up for the ole turn your head and cough check. When I did he took one look at me and said, "Very interesting...

I went to the doctor because every time I open my eyes, I barf everywhere.

He looked me over and said it was the WORST case of SEE SICKNESS he'd ever encountered




^(made that up just now... I'm so sorry everyone)

I went to the doctor complaining about wax in my ear

"Which ear is it?" She said

"2022" I replied

I went to the doctors because I’ve suddenly acquired a fear of flying

The thinks it could be a terminal illness

I went to the doctor and told him....

"doctor, I feel like I'm repeating the same day over and over again"

He told me to stop reading r/jokes

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I went to the doctors yesterday.

Me: I've hurt my penis in a surfing accident.

Doctor: Did you fall off your board?

Me: No I slammed my laptop shut when the Wife walked in.

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So, I went to the doctor...

She asked "What brings you here today?"

I replied "My car."

And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: "Not sexually active."

I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him.

Judge gave me 30 years.

So I mean who's the real winner here?

I went to the doctor because my trouser snake didn’t work.

He said I have a reptile dysfunction

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I went to the doctor to see about penis enlargement.

He turned out to be a shrink.

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I went to the doctor...

Me: doctor help I've got 5 penises

Doctor: jesus christ how do your trousers fit?

Me: like a glove

I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight

Sigh...

I went to the doctor today

“Looks like you’re pregnant,” he said. “That’s impossible, I can’t be.” “You’re not. You just look like it.”

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I went to the doctor, for a personal problem

I walk into the office and say “Every time it rains I get a raging hard on. A few drops of water hit my head and I can’t help it!”

The doctor says “That’s easy to fix. Stop jerking off in the shower.”

I went to the doctors because I was sad I couldn't complete the crossword..

He told me not to get 2 down

I went to the doctor's the other day for a prostate exam...

He gave me the thumbs up!

Yesterday I went to the doctor

And he told me I was overweight. I said I wanted a second opinion; he said I was ugly too.

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I went to the doctor's today, with a bright red scab on the head of my dick..

I dropped my trousers for him and straight away he told me it was caused by not eating properly.

"Oh come off it, doc!" I scolded. "You've not examined me or even asked about my lifestyle. How the fuck can you just assume I'm not eating properly?"

"It's a bit of tomato skin."

I went to the doctor

I said, "I'm suffering from hereditary diarrhea!"

He said, "that sort of thing doesn't run in the family"

I said, "well it's in my genes!"

I went to the doctor...

Because the back of my foot hurt.
He told it could be months before it heels.

I went to the doctors wanting a brain transplant

They changed my mind

I went to the doctor the other day

Me : I am afraid of random letters

Doctor : Are you?

Me : *confused screaming*

Doctor : Oh I see

Me : *screaming intensifies*




I saw this somewhere and though to share it here

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I went to the doctor...

Went to the doctor yesterday, and to my surprise, he told me that I had to stop masturbating.

"Stop masturbating? Totally? For how long?" I asked.

"Well, at least until you get out of my office."

I went to the doctor thinking i have long covid...

ME: Doctor, I think I have long covid

Doctor: have you lost your sense of taste..

ME: Definitely, I think listening to Michael Bolton is cool...

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I went to the doctor because I had a piece of lettuce stuck in my butthole

The doctor gasped when they saw it.

I asked, “what’s wrong, Doc?”

They replied, “this isn’t just a piece of lettuce, it’s the tip of an iceberg.”

I went to the Doctor and he said that I was paranoid

He didn't actually say that but I knew what he was thinking.

I went to the doctor today for a prostate exam.

It wasn't as bad as I was expecting, until I realized both his hands were on my shoulders.

I ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles. I went to the doctor and he said:

"Your next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster."

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I went to the doctors for some butt cream

I called the doctor the next day...

Me: Doctor, I’ve had quite a reaction from applying this cream you’ve given me

Doctor: oh really? Where did you apply it?

Me: on the bus.

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I went to the doctor.

Doctor: How many drinks do you consume in a week?

Me: I don't know. I'm an alcoholic, not a fucking accountant.

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I went to the doctor... (NSFW)

...and I said "I had a bit of a fall in my kitchen, and as embarrassing as this is, I've got my cock & balls stuck in a jar of vinegar."

"Any pain?" said the doctor.

"A slight pickling sensation..."

wife said I need to lose a couple pounds so I went to the doctor

healthcare in the UK is damn cheap

I went to the doctor today. He told me I was colorblind.

I was devastated. That diagnosis really came out of the orange!

I went to the doctor the other day and said: "Have you got anything for wind?"

So he gave me a kite.

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I went to the doctors because I had a lettuce stuck up me arse.

All he did was apply a dressing

I went to the Doctors

He asked "What's the matter?"

I said "I'm too easy going. People always take advantage of my good nature"

He said "What do you want me to do?"

I said "I want you to refer me to a self-assertiveness course"

He said "No you don't"

I said "You're right, I don't"

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I went to the doctor because I was constipated

He said, "When did this start?"

"After I moved to Colorado," I replied.

He told me to start shittin or get off the pot.

I went to the Doctors’ for a Covid-19 test and a few days…

later I got a call about my test results. She said “I have good news and bad news. Which one do you want to hear first ?”

I said “Give me the good news.”

She said “The CDC is going to name a new COVID variant after you. “

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I've been unable to sleep due to severely sunburned legs. I went to the doctor and he prescribed Viagra.

Me: "Wow, I didn't know Viagra helps for sunburn."

Doc: "It doesn't, but it will help keep the bedding off your legs."

I went to the doctor and said my family are all sick of me playing the guitar

He said, if you keep picking it they won't ever get well.

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I went to the doctors and said I can only get sexualy stimulated by chickpeas and garlic

He said "don't worry, you're just humous-sexual"

I went to the doctor and, he said, "Pick a star sign?" Any star sign?

I said, "Capricorn."

He said, "No, you've got Cancer."

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I went to the doctors for the first time in a long while. He told me I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass

I told him it’s just the tip of the iceberg

I went to the Doctor yesterday.

I said, “you know those tablets you gave me to help my obsession with walking in straight lines?”
“Yes,” said the doctor, “how are you doing?”
“Well,” I replied, “I’ve finally turned a corner!”

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I went to the doctor...

Doctor: [pulling out anal beads]

Me: this is embarrassing

Doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

I went to the doctor because I can't remember any 80's music...

I asked him what's The Cure?

He said, oh no, its worse than I thought...

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I went to the doctor for a bad gout attack

After assessing the severity of my gout, he reached into his coat pocket to grab pen to write me prescription. Instead of a pen, he had a rectal thermometer in his hand. I laughed and pointed. He said, “Oh dear. Appears some asshole has my pen.”

I went to the doctor and said: My back hurts in three places...

He said: Don’t go to those places

I went to the doctor to tell him one of my concerns

I went to the doctor to tell him one of my concerns. After telling him, he asked if I had stutter. So I told him "No, I'm only worried about the vitamin d deficiency!"

On my cake day, I went to the Doctor and was told that my love of deli meats was going to kill me.

I had to quit cold turkey.

I went to the doctor to get a cognitive test.

The cardiologist told me “You’re not very bright but your hearts in the right place.”

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I went to the doctor because my testicles were turning a greenish-brown color

He said I have Hazelnuts.

I went to the doctor's office today...

He asked me to remove my pants, and so I did.

I asked him where I should put them.

He said "Over there on the floor next to mine."

I went to the doctor after I swallowed a roll of film

He said we should wait and see if anything develops

I went to the doctor the other day because I was having bad gas.

It wasn't bothering me because I'm Anosmic (no sense of smell), but my wife and kids were complaining.

By the time doctor came into the examination room, I had passed gas at least four times. They felt like smelly farts, but I couldn't really tell.

I told the doctor about my problem, ...

I went to the doctor fearing I might be losing my hearing.

Good news! The doctor didn't have anything bad to say.

He didn't have anything good to say either.

Come to think of it, he didn't have anything to say at all.

I went to the doctor's office. The phlebotomist appeared, holding a sketchbook and a pencil, and said...

"Hold still so I can draw your blood."

So I went to the doctor to get a valve transplant,

Unfortunately he said I would only have 6 months to live, but I said, doc! I won't have time to pay the bill, so he gave me another 6 months.

I went to the Doctor's Office the other day

I had to get an x-ray and when the results came back the doctor said "This is exactly what I was scared of."

"What?" I replied.

"Skeletons"

So i went to the doctor the other day for a blood donation,

But they kept asking so many questions, like:
"Who's blood is this?"
and "Where did you get it?"

I went to the doctors for my physical last week...

While the doctor was checking my prostate, I told him to put another finger in there...I wanted a second opinion.

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I went to the doctors office the other day.

When I was there I said to him:”Hey doc, whatsup! Nice small but dark room you got here!”

He started yelling at me:”Get the fuck out, I’m taking a shit!”

I was having stomach problems the other day so I went to the doctor for my diarrhea.

He gave me a blind fold and told me to wait 20 and that I would be fine and it worked.

Now I have gonorrhea

I went to the doctors yesterday. After my checkup I told them I was just trying to stay positive.

I don't know why they looked so concerned.

I went to the doctor and got a needle stuck in my arm

Is much less depressing than "I got a needle stuck in my arm and then went to the doctor".

I was feeling a bit down so I went to the doctors.

Thankfully it was just a scare. I still have 46 chromosomes.

I felt a bit sick yesterday, so I went to the doctor.

Doctor: Given your symptoms, you have Tom Jones disease.

Me: Is that rare?

Doctor: "It's not unusual".

I went to the doctor the other day, and all he did was bite my neck.

Don't go see Dr. Acula

I wasn’t feeling so good and so I went to the doctors

I told the doctor that I haven’t been feeling so well lately.

The doctor proceeded to ask me questions and do some tests.

He came to the conclusion that I was not getting enough exercise and therefore advised me to do so.

So, based on the doctors advice, for the next month, i...

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