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Time Machine Jokes

When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!

So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.
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I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.

They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.
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Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.
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If time is money, is an ATM a time machine?

I saw this in a magazine and wanted to share it with the world
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.

He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”
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Waste of time (machine)

(To waste your time)

(I invented a Time Machine)

(At last)

(I did it)

(Heres the thing:)

(Which you are doing.)

(If you travel back in time)

(You’ll understand)
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I used a time machine to travel back in time to Mount Rushmore before it was carved.

Its natural beauty was unpresidented.
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I finally fixed my time machine!

April Fool's! It's still broken.
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I used to play around with time machines.

When I was older.
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I spent the whole morning building a time machine

That’s 3 hours of my life I’m never going to get back
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HELP! My Time Machine is broken

It was working fine tomorrow but now it’s not
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What’s the difference between Boba Fett and a Time Machine operated by Marty McFly?

One’s a Mandalorian and the other’s a manned DeLorean.
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An old bloke has just got out of a time machine...

... and forced me to suck his cock, I felt degraded and humiliated.

When I get older, I am going to build a time machine, go back in time, find this cunt when he's younger, and force him to suck my cock.

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A cumshot came out of the time machine...

It was a blast from the past

To get to the time machine.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
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A Procrastinator Built A Time Machine

Well, not yet, but he's planning on getting started last week.
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The best thing about time machines ...

... is that you can buy it used and sell it new.
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If I had a time machine...

I'd go back in time and post this joke as soon as r/Jokes was created.
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Fat fashion designer has found a time machine [OC]

Thinking about how many opportunities of discovery await him, he went inside and clicked a button.

He soon found himself in ancient rome. He noticed all the plebs wearing cool ancient clothes so he quickly went to the nearest shopping centre.

Being fat himself, he asked the shopkeepe...

I've finished my time machine, but there is one glitch.

I've finished my time machine, but there is one glitch.
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The Arabs invented a time machine.

It's called Islam. It can take any civilization back to the 7th century.
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A time machine goes to the hospital.

The doctor enters and goes to 2017. He finds a caveman inside and returns to the present day.

The doctor says, "Sorry sir, but you have an ana-chronic disease."
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We don't serve time machines

A Time machine walks into a bar
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What did the Scientist say when he saw his time machine?

"Ahh...this really takes me back."
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I have a time machine for sale.

If interested, call me two weeks ago.
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With my time machine, I traveled back to 1945 to show the inventor of Doc Martens my shiny new boots...

Do you think I created a Pair O' Docs?
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Then I fuck my time machine.

First, I park my time machine.

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A guy invents a time machine...

A guy runs into the the room panicking and says to his friend “I just fucked up!”

“Why?” His friend asks

He replies “I just invented a time machine, I went back in time and slept with my own mother “

His friend says “it’s not your fault, she was probably much younger and you di...

In the distant future scientists invent a special time machine

It can send messages back to the past, as a dream to a single person.

Because of all the problems Covid-19 caused, they decided to try and warn the world before hand. So a dream message was sent back to the year 2017: "Covid is fatal will arrive in fall 2019. Covid is fatal will arrive in fal...
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Hitler steps through a time machine

Five scientists are standing around a time machine when Hitler steps through.

Hitler turns to them and says "We are going to kill one million Jews and two clowns."

The scientists are baffled by this and ask Hitler "Why the two clowns?"

Hitler responds back "Exactly! Nobody care...

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I think I need to stop pissing around with my son's new time machine and get it wrapped up.

It's his birthday last month.

If you think about it, we already have Time Machines.

They're called clocks.
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Just one.

How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?
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I have a real, honest to God, time machine.

Unfortunately, I forgot when I parked it.
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The good thing about lending someone your time machine

is that you basically get it back immediately.
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A professor made a time machine...

A professor made a time machine and traveled to the past. Incidentally, the first person he ran into was a younger version of himself... it was a pair of docs.
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There was this one time I discovered a time machine...

I still remember it like it was tomorrow.
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Hey baby, have you got a time machine?

Cuz' I could go back in time to approach you with a better pickup line than this one
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I just watched a terrible documentary on how to build a time machine.

That’s an hour of my life that I’ll probably get back.
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Wait a minute, Doc! Are you telling me you built a time machine out of a Beskar minivan?

Yes Marty! It's a Van-DeLorean!
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**WHAT DO WE WANT?** *A time machine!* **WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!**

*...doesn't matter.*

Also, I can't format.
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Day 30: I have done it! I built a time machine!

Day 29: I dun fucked up.

Here's hoping 2013 is the year in which I finally fix the bugs in my new time machine.

-garyDelaney
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I made a time machine to travel back to the year 2001. You see my son had his first soccer game then, and I missed it only to show up 10 minutes after it ended.

When I go back to the past I'll tell myself that it isn't worth ditching work for and that the little dumbass loses the game anyways.
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The two happiest days in a time traveler's life:

The day they complete their time machine and the day they stop themself from completing their time machine.
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I asked my wife to rate the last orgasm I gave her.

She said, "Sure, have you got a time machine?"

A friend asked me if I wanted to come to his house last week

I told him I'll be there as soon as I boot up my time machine
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Never mind, just one.

It takes two people to build a time machine.
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How i out dad joked my dad...

So the preview for some time traveling movie comes on tv and my dad goes "if you ever find a time machine remember not to use it," somehow thinking it's funny.

I'm ashamed to say the first thing out of my mouth was "seems like a great way to pass the time."
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Amish from the future

I met an Amish guy the other day. He looked at me and said " can I confide in you? I'm from 100 years in the future. We built a time machine and I just arrived. You re the first person I've seen since My arival"
Incredibly intrigued, I said to him " wow! 100 years in the future! That's amazing! ...
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Buy all the 9/11 related domains

Is apparently the wrong answer to “What would you do with a time machine?”
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(Long) There once was a duck who hated her baby brother...

This duck hated her baby brother so much that she decided to build a time machine to prevent their parents from conceiving him. The time machine worked, but without a baby brother, the duck had no incentive to build a time machine so her baby brother would still exist. With a baby brother, she'd be ...
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There's nothing wrong with being a self-made man...

Unless you have a time machine and an Oedipus complex.
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