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The Truth Jokes

The only time a politician tells the truth...

When he calls another politician a liar

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Im going to nickname my penis 'The Truth'...

...Because you want the truth, but you can't handle the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts.

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There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish If you lie – poof it swallows you up.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar.
They head straight for the mirror.
The redhead goes first and says “I think I’m the most beautiful woman on Earth” Poof- the mirror swallows her up.
The brunette goes up to the mirror and says “I think I’m the sexiest woman on Earth” Po...

The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth.

Their president is Enrique Peña Nieto.

The Truth About Managers

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: :Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below says: “Yes. Y...

What do you get it you ask a politician to tell 'the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'?

3 different answers

[OC] What animal never tells the truth?

A lion

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"

The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

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The truth about Rye Bread

Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, *"Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your ene...

What document is guaranteed to only contain the truth?

Fax

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It's a relief to know the truth…

…after all those conflicting medical studies.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suff...

The Truth About My Jokes

It has recently been brought to my attention that many of the jokes I tell my friends, family and peers can be classified as 'Dad jokes.' Moreover, it turns out that most of the people I share these with don't actually enjoy them, they've just given up on me stopping at this point.


Two ...

What do you call a blueberry that doesn't tell the truth?

A Library

School students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advise that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they...

Joseph decides it's time to tell Jesus the truth....

Since Jesus is a teenager, Joseph thinks he can handle it. He tells Jesus that he's not really his father, in a technical sense.

Jesus is incredulous. He can't believe it. He asks who his father really is.

Joseph explains to Jesus that he's the son of god. Jesus can't even comprehend...

A Politician tries telling the truth for once

A crisis gripped the State.

"Mr. Politician! How do you intend to solve this crisis!"

"Honestly...? I don't know. This is a very complex situation, with so many moving parts that it's far beyond the understanding of any one person, or even a small group. I don't know what I'm going to ...

Braking The Truth To Your Child

Son: [Sobbing] Mum, Dad Just told me Father Christmas isn't real, is that true??

Me: Well, I suppose you're old enough now for me to tell you this...he's not your real dad.

Son: [Sobbing intensifies]

Two brothers want to find out the truth about Soviet Russia

Two brothers want to find out if Soviet Russia is really like the propaganda they hear in the West. They decide that the older brother will go to Soviet Russia to see for himself and write back what he sees. However, since the letter might get censored by the Soviet government, they decide that if t...

The truth about marriage

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Did you know in some other countries you don't know who your wife is until you are married?" he asks the bartender. "It's the same everywhere, son," the bartender replies.

The truth about job promotions

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey, congratulations on the job promotion!" the bartender says. "Thanks. But you know, success in life is kind of like being pregnant," the guy replies. "Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were screwed."

What's the difference between a conspiracy theory and the truth?

Currently, about 6 months...

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The Truth is gay

It always comes out.

How do you know if a jungle cat is telling the truth?

Well, if it's a lion, you can tell right away.

The truth is that Amber Heard won't ever work in movies again.

Her lawyer,"For a difference of $150,000,000, act like the victim ".

The truth

During the holiday, wife invited some friends to have dinner at home. Before the meal,

The wife turned to her 6-year-old daughter and asked, "Do you want to lead prayers before meals?"

The daughter said: "I don't know what to say."

The wife enlightened: "Just say what you heard ...

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If my parents would've told me the truth

That I got good grades and went to a good college. I could do all the drugs I wanted bang all the prostitutes I wanted without getting in trouble. I would be a politician by now.

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A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says...

He’s never been with a prostitute before, so excitedly he says, what the hell

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indign...

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Judge: "Do you promise to speak the truth and only the truth?"

Defendant: "No."

Judge: "..."

Attorney: "(what the fuck do we do)"

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Why does the ashtray tell the truth everytime someone uses it to put out a cigar?

It likes big butts and it cannot lie

Remember when Putin said he didn't have any plans to invade Ukraine?

I'm starting to think he was telling the truth.

What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump?

George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.

Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth.

Donald Trump can’t tell the difference

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Never speak the truth.

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started

The Truth About The Beatles

John was the brain

Paul was the heart

George was the spirit

Ringo was the drummer

The truth about diarrhea...

Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs through your jeans.

Mr Sessions... Do you swear to give the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

"Da"

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The truth-talking dog

A man had built great wealth, touring the globe with a truth-talking dog.

A friendly local thought this was too good to be true and paid the $50 entry fee to see for himself.

As he entered, the dog started immediately:
“Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon”
“The square ro...

In Ireland there is a tradition that holds that a dying man may ask one last question, and that it be answered truthfully.

Seamus had come to the end of his days; his time on this planet was short. Gathered around him was his wife and his four sons. Three of his sons were fine, tall men but the fourth...wasn't. Aiden was a bit scrawny, and quite thin. Seamus says to his wife:

"Mary...I've not much time left. So I...

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What's the difference between half a dozen dicks and the truth?

You can’t handle the truth.

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I told the truth

When my friend shook my hand and asked why it was sticky. I said "**cum on,** don't sweat the small stuff."

A lost dog wanders through the jungle. In the distance a lion sees him and whispers: "I'm going to eat him, I have never seen anything like that before."

The lion then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. "Lion meat is delicious!"

The lion suddenly stopped and said: "Wow, this guy is stronger than he...

The truth flies straight like an arrow

Fruit flies like bananas

Your Rabbi can start telling the truth tomorrow.

Today is the last day of July.

20 Years down the line, the truth about Jefferey Epstein will come out

His name was spelled Epstain the whole time

I now know the truth behind my sleep paralysis demon...

...it was trying to protect me from the movie cats.

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A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

The truth about oil drilling

The system is rigged

What do you call a kid that always tells the truth?

An honest mistake

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I finally have to face the truth: I have a fetish for religious iconography.

I guess this is my cum to Jesus moment.

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The truth is like poetry,

Most people fucking hate poetry

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My girlfriend is a porn star!

She's going to be really mad when she finds out.


EDIT: Will people stop asking me to post the source or a picture, this is a joke that it is why it is here instead of in mildlyinterestng.
The truth is my girlfriend tried to be a porn star but the producer said to her "come back in 5 ...

My dad used to tell me, "son, you gotta stand up and tell the truth", but instead I sat down and told a lie.

It wasn't that I didn't want to tell the truth, I just preferred de seat.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

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Swear you won't get mad

* Her: Do these pants make me look fat?
* Him: Do you swear you won't get mad if I tell you the truth?
* Her: I won't get mad, honey. You can tell me.
* Him: I'm fucking your sister.

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

Why did the lead acid battery have to tell the truth?

Because if it didn't it would be Li-ion.

A young punctuation couple, Mr. Apostrophe and Mrs. Comma…

A young punctuation couple, Mr. Apostrophe and Mrs. Comma, wanted to have a child, but sadly, could not. So, they decided to adopt a little Period and named him Edward. They loved Edward very much and he grew to be a fine young punctuation mark. However, Edward knew he was different, as he didn't...

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I call myself a centrist, the truth is...

I'm afraid of black people and the police

The truth was that Rapunzel didn’t want a prince to save her

She was just kinky and wanted someone to pull her hair

The truth is that its neither love nor money that makes the world go round

It’s F=G(m1m2)/r^2

I dated a blind girl once...

I thought she was cheating on me. What a relief it was to find out the truth! Turned out she wasn't seeing anybody.

It’s time he knew the truth

Wife: it's time he knew the truth

Dave: ok. I'll tell him.

Wife: promise you'll be gentle ok

Dave: I promise

[Later during spelling practice]
Dave: ok son, your word is 'adopted'

[wife sprints into the room and tackles Dave through the coffee table]

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A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi.

A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls (Prostitutes) were standing by the roadside.



The Boy asked; “Mummy, what are all those women doing?



His Mother replied; “They are waiting for their husbands to come back from ...

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

the truth behind Hiroshima and Nagasaki

There was a spider....
*Sorry*

-Sonny, it's time to tell you the truth...

-Am I adopted ?
-No. You're a daughter

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Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth....

Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth

Covid Denier 1: So there was no such thing as covid, right? I died of lung cancer or something!

God: No, Covid is real, you died of covid just like the Doctors said.
...

I forget the name of it, but my favourite TV show is that one where you’ve got to try and guess which one is lying and which one is telling the truth. Presented by that Welsh guy.

What’s it called again?

Oh yeah, The News.

Where do alligators that can't accept the truth go?

Da Nile

"The truth shall set you free" I tell my kids.

Then they usually reply "c'mon dad that's so tacky and cliche"

And then I laugh trying to get them to laugh

Then they start laughing

Then I laugh even more!

Thetruth is the pass word to their cages!

Bahahahaha!

Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia Wants to Get to the Truth of the Khashoggi Murder

He's hired OJ to track down the real killers.

The truth about America...

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby say...

A mother and her young daughter were visiting New York City.

The mother was trying to hail a cab when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asked "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that co...

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My parents told me to always tell the truth.

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was and I said "Fried Chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have ben right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Friend chicken is my favorite animal. I told my Dad what happened, and he ...

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We all know the old saying "I named my dick 'The Truth' cause bitches can't handle it..."

I call mine "The Plea Bargain" cause ladies only take it as a last resort.

Out of all Cat Species, there is only one that never tells the truth. Which one is it?

I don't know, but I know said Cat will always be Lion to you.

A lady dies and goes to heaven and is standing in front of God...

" there is one thing I've always wanted to know"

"Ok, ask away," God said.

" Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked

" The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god.

The women shakes her head and says " They got to you too, this thing really goes hi...

A Knife Juggler

A man was pulled over by a police officer.

As the officer approached the vehicle he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat. Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"

Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them...

They should offer a class on speaking the truth in high school

It'd be a great way to earn a foreign language credit.

Never Text an Apology

THE ORIGINAL TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a
confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few
months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to
your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t l...

The Pope is on a visit to the US, riding in the back of a limo

The Pope is on a visit to the US, riding in the back of a limo. The driver asks him if he needs anything.

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job...

Today I taught my son a valuable life lesson by eating his homework.

Tomorrow he will learn that many people will not believe you, even when you tell the truth.

A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow

They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces.


The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining."


Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minu...

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The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth

The IRS still wants to fuck you.

Flat earthers are so close to the truth, but there are some obvious discrepancies . I've finally solved it...

Welcome to the Pringle Earth Society...and remember, once you see, you can't disagree.

A man is walking by a brothel..

One day a man is walking by a brothel, never having been inside, and decides to hey, why the hell not

as he enters he is met with two doors, one has a plaque that says "first time" and the other "regular"

being honest he walks through the "first time" door

there he is presented ...

What do you call a fat guy, from New Orleans, that never tells the truth?

A jambo-laya.

Thanks for coming out, I'll be here till Thursday.

A 16-year old girl enters a church in tears. “Please father, help me”

“What is it my child?”

“Father, I need your help. I’m pregnant.”

The priest sighed. “I understand my child. You have sinned but you are not the first, nor the last. Our Lord is all-forgiving and I’m here to help you through this. But first I need to understand how it happened.”

...

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