The Clap Jokes - 19 Hilarious The Clap Jokes

What do you call a group of people who have the clap?

An applause

This girl have me the Clap so bad..

...my doctor called it an applause.

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A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

I've had the clap at least 12 times

At this point it should really be called the applause

Heard on WBLS 107.5 this morning

If someone has the Clap and goes to an Orgy where everyone gets it, would it then be called Applause?

Is manual arousal unhealthy?

Using two hands can result in the clap!

Whats the one thing thats good for a comedian’s business but bad for a hookers?

The clap

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(nsfw) Why should you only ever have sex with hookers with one hand?

It's the only sure way not to get the clap.

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Earl was an airplane pilot with many years of experience.

Now Earl always had a dream: to try to do a loop-de-loop with a Boeing 747.
So on his last flight before his retirement, he told the passengers
"Hello, this is your captain Earl speaking. For many years, I wanted to try to do a loop-de-loop with a plane, and today is my last flight before re...

I can't wait to see the dim bulbs who are upset they have to wear a mask to prevent corona when...

...they find out what they have to wear to prevent the clap.

A police officer sees a beaten up woman laying on the ground with a man standing over her.

The woman is unconscious and clearly was injured.

"What happened to her?" asked the cop.

"The clap," said the man.

"The clap doesn't do that to people," said the cop.

"Well," said the man, "it does when you give it to me."

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I was recently in a play about unprotected sex.

It was hell, every night I got the clap.

Why did the comedian go to doctor?

Because the audience gave him the clap

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The Italian Family Dinner

A joke from my rugby coach -- better told in person with the clapping, but try to imagine :)

Sitting at dinner, an Italian father looks at his three grown sons.

He asks the oldest, Mario, "Mario, why are you-a so fat?"

Mario responds, "Papa, Mama's spaghetti is just-a s...

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A man in the desert finds an old oil lamp...

... he rubs the lamp (as is traditional), and surprise! Out pops a genie.

"The contract is made, for freeing me from the lamp I shall grant you THREE WISHES!"

Sweet! Thinks the man I'm gonna make the best of this! And he whispers something in the genie's ear.

"IT SHALL BE DONE!...

In my world, a threesome is when I use both my right AND my left hand.

Problem is: together they gave me the clap.

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When celebrating with porn stars handshakes are best....

High fives can give you the clap

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[NSFW] Joke I found in a vintage porno from the 1930's.

So this is a simple time where men are men and women are women.

Tommy is on a date with Stacy and takes a long detour 10 miles outside of town. He propositions her for sex, and if she doesn't put out she can walk home.

Stacy walks home.

A second date happens as Tommy proceeds to...

Which STD is transmitted through sound...

The clap.

Yes this joke was just posted but I think my punchline is better.

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