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Sven Jokes

Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)

Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied “Ya, well I sew women’s underpants.” He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.

Ole was ...

Sven the farmer

A Minnesota farmer named Sven had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Ajax Company.

In court, the Ajax Company's hot shot attorney questioned him thus "Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"

Sven responded: "Vell, I'lla tell you vat...

Olie walks into the diner and sits down next to Sven at the counter, a huge grin on his face...

Sven says, "Hey, Olie! Whatcha grinnin' about?"

Olie says, "I had a very nice date with Leena last night."

"Oh? Do tell!"

"Well, she picked me up in that new pick-up of hers and we went for a drive through the woods. After a spell, she pulled off the main road down this little p...

Lars, Sven and Ole were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and neighbors are mourning you, what would you like them to say?”

Lars said, “I vould like dem to say dat I vas a vonderful husband, a fine spirtual leader, and a gut family man.”
. Sven said, “I vould like dem to say I vas a vonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in da lives of people.”
. Ole said, “I vould like dem to say, ‘Loo...

Two old Norwegians, Sven and Oli, were drinking coffee one morning and complaining about farming....

Two old Norwegians, Sven and Oli, were drinking coffee one morning and complaining about farming. Sven complained of the costs of fertilizer, and Oli asked why he didn't just use the nightsoil from his outhouse? Sven said, "Ya, well I used to, but I really hate shoveling it all out."

Now, O...

Indian bar game

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.
"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"
"Ja, da...

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

Olie is on his death bed

Olie is only given a few more hours to live. His wife Lena is right beside him. Olie says his last words to Lena. "After I die Lena, I want you to marry Sven Svenson". Lena is shocked. "But Olie, I thought you hated Sven Svenson". Olie takes Lena's hand and looks deep in to her eyes and says "yes, a...

Ole, Sven, and Nels came into the bar.

They were high-fiving each other, shouting, and generally having a celebration of some sort.

"Line 'em up," Ole shouted as the party continued.

They drank and carried on for hours. Finally the bartender’s curiosity got the better of him. "Just what are you celebrating?" he asked.
...

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

Ole & Sven go to the unemployment office

Ole and Sven were just laid off from the lingerie factory so they went to the unemployment office to collect their checks.

Ole goes up and rings the bell. The lady asks, "What can I do for you?"
Ole replied, "I vas just laid off from vork and I vant to collect my unemployment"
Lady - "W...

Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing.

As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice." Ole and Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, "There are no fish under the ice." They both looked around and then looked up. ...

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Bjorn and Sven are in the woods hunting

Suddenly Sven cries out, clutches his chest, and falls to the ground.
In a panic, Bjorn pulls out his cell phone and calls 911.
'911, what is your emergency?'
'Yeah, this is Bjorn and you gotta help me! Me and Sven are out hunting and Sven just up and keeled over dead! What do I do?'
'R...

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

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Ole and Sven are out on the lake fishing...

They've found a pretty good spot where no one else seems to be fishing. Ole says to Sven "Say Sven. There's no one else around here. The fish are biting pretty good. You think we've found a new secret spot?" "Why, it seems that way Ole. We should mark it so we can come back later." "You're right, I'...

Sven and Ole are two fictional swedish immigrants who live in Minnesota. They are characters used in jokes. I heard this one from my dad.

Sven is vacationing at his cabin in northern Minnesota and happens to get in line at a Dairy Queen.

An indian (native american) man approaches him and makes a proposition.

Indian Man: Hey I have a deal for you. I will ask you a riddle. If you can answer it I will buy you an ice cream, ...

Ole and Sven

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"why sure," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "where ya from?"

"Norway," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "Ya don't say, I'm from Norway too! Let's have anothe...

A Swedish Farming Village in 1265...

...is facing a crisis. They haven't had any rain in almost 2 months. All of their crops are dead or dying, and many of the citizens are starving.

One day, Sven comes bursting into his kitchen, scooping his wife Helda into his arms and dancing with joy.

"Sven! What's gotten into you? Wh...

Ole and Sven are flying a plane over northern Minnesota

Ole is the pilot, and they are approaching their destination. Sven looks out the window and sees the runway in the distance. He notices the runway looks rather short and says, "Y'know, Ole, dat looks like a really short runway."

Ole replies, "Oh, don't worry. Dis is a small plane after all. D...

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Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

Ole and Sven go to Hell

Ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.

Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've ...

Lars sees his friend Sven in the bar

Lars sees his friend Sven in the bar and tells him "Sven, I played a trick on you last night. I snuck up to your window and watched you in bed with your wife!

Sven smiles and answers "Well Lars, the joke is on you! I wasn't home last night!

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I was on a train the other day when two Swedish men sat down next to me

The two introduced themselves as Sven and Olf. Olf in particular was wearing a t-shirt with the USSR flag on and boasted a cap with a hammer and sickle on, so I assumed he was an avid communist. I asked them if either of them knew where I could get alcohol on the train, and Olf piped up:

"If ...

Sven: I haven't talked to my wife for 3 days.

Olaf: Well whys that?

Sven: I don't like to interrupt.

Oli and sven

One day Oli and Sven went out ice fishing. The started drilling into the ice and from above a voice boomed " there are no fish under the ice!"

Heeding the advice the duo moved about 20 Feet and started drilling again. Again the the voice boomed "there are no fish under the ice!"

Oli ...

A Lena and Sven Joke

Lena went to the doctor a few weeks ago with some problems that Sven had in bed. "Ya know, Sven hasn't been performing as well, I vas vondering what vi could do anything about it" The doctor said"I have this new experimental drug that increase performance, but I warn you it's experimental. Just slip...

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Ole decides to take Sven hunting for the first time...

They get up very early in the morning to head out, as hunters do. Sven said, "Ole, you wait by dis der tree here, while I go down to da valley and flush out da deer. If you see a deer, you shoot it and I'll come. If you hear a gunshot over my way, you come over and help me drag 'er out."

Ole ...

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A man backpacking in Europe...

Comes across a small village with no modern technology. It's starting to get dark so he asks a villager if he can stay the night. The villager agrees.

As the night goes on, the man gets bored and asks the villager if there is any way he can have a good time. *Wink wink*

The villager sa...

Ole buys a new cow

Sven asks Ole "how's dat new cow?" Great he replies except when I pull her teat she farts. Did you get her from North Dakota? I did, how did you know? "My wife's from there!"

Oooo, that smell (LONG)

A load of chickens in their pickup bed, Sven and Tina are enjoying a quiet ride to the market when Sven accidentally runs over a skunk.

"Oh Sven, you've gotta stop," Tina says. "That was a momma skunk, and her babies are crying by the roadside."

Sven mumbles under his breath, but smile...

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Ole was at work one day...

Lena called Ole's best friend Sven and asked him to come over right away. Sven came running as fast as he could, thinking there was an emergency. As soon as he knocked on the door, Lena opened it, dragged him through the house and into the bedroom, and fucked the shit out of him as hard as she could...

My favourite joke from my dad

A guy loves telling jokes about Scandinavians.

One day, his friend tells him, "You need to stop making jokes about Scandinavians. You're coming across as racist."

"Well, what kind of jokes should I tell instead?" asks the first guy.

"Tell jokes about generically ethnic people. T...

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Looks like Lars

A mortician called Sven and told him he had some bad news.

“I’m afraid your friend Lars has died, but we need someone to confirm the body.”

“Sure thing, I’ll bring Ollie, we were with him yesterday.”

So Sven and Ollie go to the Mortuary, and the mortician informs them that they ...

Boat for Sale!

Ole walks by Sven's house and sees a sign that says "Boat for sale". He walks up the driveway and only sees a tractor and a lawn mower. He goes up to the door and says, "Ole, I see dat sign dat says 'boat for sale,' but alls I see is a tractor and a lawn mower." Sven says, "Yup, and dey're boat for ...

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Honeymoon hunting trip

Olga and Sven got married. To save money they went to a lodge that just happened to have hunters that same weekend.
There they were, riding along Olga, Sven, and the hunters, when the bus got a flat. Sven whispers to Olga: "You want to start the honeymoon now?"
Olga says:"We better wait t...

Diesel Fitter

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office together.
Asked for his occupation, Ole said "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties." The cleark looked up Panty Sticher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $30...

Ole and Sven are invited to a costume party with their girlfriends.

The party invitation says to come dressed as an emotion. After a day of deliberating, they all agree to meet at Sven’s place before going to the party. Just before Sven is about to put his costume on, there’s a knock on the door. Outside is his girlfriend, Hilda, who’s dressed head to toe in bright ...

Sven and Oli went ice fishing.

They had fished in this lake for decades, and they knew there were no more fish in the lake, but they went because they enjoyed going and getting away from their wives. After a while, a young kid came along and cut a hole in the ice under a tree, close to the shore. Sven and Oli looked at each other...

If you like a good Sven and Ole joke. . .

Sven recently got promoted to Game Warden for his Minnesota district and was watching a beautiful flock of loon flying overhead. Suddenly, a shot rang out and one of the loon fell to the ground.

Sven, cursing, drove his truck over to where it fell, only to see his lifelong friend, Ole, picki...

Sven and Oli went to the lumber store

Sven went in and Oli stayed in the truck. Sven said to the lumberman, “I need a four-by-two”. The lumberman said, “Do you mean a two-by-four?”. Sven said, “let me ask my brudder”. Sven came back and said, “yup we need a two-by-four”. The lumberman said, “How long?”. Sven said, “huh?”. The lumberman...

A big Swede named Sven is getting married...

And he got real drunk at the wedding party. Taking advantage of this, his best friend Johann, snuck upstairs to screw the bride in the bedroom.

Meanwhile, everybody was kidding Sven about how drunk he was getting. Finally, Sven went upstairs to bed his new wife. But when he got to the be...

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Ole and Sven go hunting one weekend

(Told in a very thick Minnesotan accent which I won’t write out)

Ole and Sven go hunting one weekend and right away Ole shoots a big ol’ buck. So, they bring it back to the truck and start cleaning it and Sven says, “you know, Ole, this thing is so huge I bet Lena wouldn’t be able to cook it ...

Ole and Sven go to Hell (long)

One day, Satan was walking through Hell, making sure the souls were properly tormented, until he came upon an unusual sight. Sitting next to a lava pool were Ole and Sven, decked out in parkas, hats, boots and gloves.

Confused, Satan walks up to them and asks them why they're dressed for win...

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A TV crew was on a remote village making a documentary…

…they stopped a villager and asked him if he would tell a happy anecdote for the camera. The man smiled, gave a deep, longing breath and told “well, there was this time when Sven’s sheep got lost, so it wandered up the mountain, so we got together to look for it. We searched and searched all day lon...

An illustrious Count, Wictor Oblodowsky, agrees to conduct Beethoven's 9th Symphony in a Baltimore gym.

He's hesitant at first. He'd only been to America once before, and it was a favor for a friend. The oboist in his orchestra kindly loaned him the first season of The Wire, but the Count never watched it, as he'd never gotten around to buying a DVD player.

After an uneventful flight and some t...

The only joke I've ever heard from my mother

my mother just returned from Minnesota and relayed in horror that my uncle told this joke to a nurse at my grandmothers deathbed (thus telling me the joke)

Olley's on his deathbed and tells his wife to come closer. "Marry Sven" he gasps. "But honey I thought you hated, Sven?"
"I do."

Ole came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.

"Vere did you get da money for da bike? Dat musta cost $500," he asked.

"It was easy, Dad," little Lars replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on Lars," Ole said. "Tell me da truth."

"Dat is da truth Dad!" Lars replied.

"Every night you ver gone, Sven, would come over to se...

Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting one afternoon.

Ole needs to toss a whizz so he steps behind a tree to take care of business. All the sudden Sven hears a bone chilling cry. He checks on his best friend Ole and there he is, lying on the ground.

"Sven, a rattlesnake just bit me in the pecker! Please go get the doctor; I don't want to di...

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

I bought a Lottery ticket today

Sven: "Ollie I bought a Lottery ticket today."

Ollie: "It looks like it has six numbers on it. 29, 4, 42, 11, 35, 36."

Sven: "What are the odds?"

Ollie: "29, 11, 35."

Why did Olaf lose the schnitzel-eating contest?

Because Olaf ate six, Sven ate nine.

How many hours did it take Pewdiepie to find his dog in the underwater cave?

Sven.

Minnesota's worst air disaster occurred earlier today...

...when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a Norwegian cemetery there early this morning.

Ole and Sven, working as search and rescue workers, have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

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Ole and Sven get called into the morgue....

Lars's house had burned down and a charred body was found among the wreckage. The sheriff, knowing that Ole and Sven were good buddies of Lars, called them down to identify the body. Ole goes in first and the sheriff asks him "So is this Lars?" and Ole says "Well I'm not sure now. Could ya flip h...

Two Swedes live across the street from one another in a small town in Manitoba...

Their names are Ollie and Sven. One morning, Sven is eating his Shreddies for breakfast and looks out the front window into Ollie's yard. Ollie has a sign out front that says "Boat for sale." Sven goes over to Ollie's house and says, "Eh, Ollie, what's this sign here? You don't even own a boat! All ...

21st Birthdays

A boy from Duluth, Minnesota named Lars had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seem that his father, grandfather and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthdays, to the boat club across the lake for their first legal drink.

So when Lars' 21st ca...

What do you use to compare and contrast nordic cultures?

A Sven diagram!

David Beckham is out shopping one day.. (Old)

He spots a tall, cylindrical silver thing. He asks a shop assistant what it is; "It's a Thermos flask, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold" replies the assistant.

So David buys it. On arriving home, Victoria asks what he's
got there. "It's a Thermos flask, keeps 'ot fings 'ot an...

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench...

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench. The fisherman couldn't eat them all so they gave them to the Mayor of the town. The Mayor wasn't sure what to do with them, so he had an idea; he would have a fish-eating competition.

After several rounds, two finalists emerged: Mr. Hic...

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