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Squints Jokes

Across the breakfast table, the young boy squints at his great grandfather.

"Pop," he says, "You're really old."

The old man chuckles. "I certainly am, son."

"How old are you Pop?"

"Why, I'm eighty-nine."

"Wow." the boy is impressed. "How did you get that old, Pop?"

"Well son, I'll tell you." The old man's faces grows serious, and glances...

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, “have you ever ordered here before?”

The man replies, “No, I haven’t.”

The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads t...

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A workman is 5 floors up at a construction site and realizes he forgot his hammer...

He leans over the edge of the building and sees his friend on the ground floor. He shouts down to him "Hey buddy I need my hammer." His friends looks up but motions to his ears that he can't hear him.

The workman, thinking quickly, decides to sign out what he wants. He points to his eye for "...

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:

“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the intervie...

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What did your husband get YOU?

Three southern belles stood together gossiping. The topic of discussion were gifts from their husbands. Here's how it went.

Pointing at a house on top of a hill, the first southern belle boasts, "Y'all ain't never seen a house like that. My husband built me that there house!" The second south...

Jesus at the Pearly Gates

Jesus is walking past the pearly gates one day when St. Peter asks him to fill in for a while so he can take a break. Jesus is a bit concerned and protests that he doesn't know the admissions procedure. St. Peter tells him it's easy, just look up the name in The Book and pass judgement, and that Jes...

The Dating Ad

A woman places an ad in the newspaper. "Woman searches love: Must be respectful and never abuse me. Must be not run to the pub and return late drunk. Must be a great lover."

Sometime later that week the doorbell rings and she opens the door surprised to see a quadriplegic in a wheelchai...

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

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How to attract women:

My friend keeps complaining that he can't attract women. I told him "Why don't you try a sexy look...like lowering your eyelids and biting your lip?"

My friend takes the advice and runs off. He comes back complaining "I TRIED YOUR SUGGESTION AND THE GIRLS KEPT RUNNING AWAY SCREAMING!" ...

A guy walks into a store and says to the clerk, “I’d like a pound of kielbasa please.”

The clerk looks at him, squints his eyes, and says, “You’re Polish, aren’t cha?”

The man looks surprised and says, “Now how did you know that? Was it because I asked for the national meat of Poland? Or did something else give it away?”

The clerk replies, “It’s because this is a hardwar...

An old nearly blind marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar

He sits down at the bar, squints through his old eyes, sees a woman at the end of the bar and gives her a wave.

She sees the old man, lifts her arm and gives him a big wave back, revealing a very hairy armpit.

The old marine says to the bartender “I’ll take a shot of whiskey, and sen...

A string walks into a bar...

The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve strings here.”

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, “Hey, aren’t you a string?”

The...

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Russian Joke: A little girl goes up to her mother...

...and asks her,

"Mommy, why does everyone say my face looks like an ass?"

Her mother replies,

"Oh honey no, you're beautiful! Don't listen to them, just go talk to your father."

So the little girl finds her father and asks him,

"Papa, why does everyone say that ...

It's closing time at the local pub. As the bartender is putting stools up, a filthy ragged homeless man walks in...

"No free booze!" says the bartender.

"No, all I want is one toothpick." says the homeless man.

The bartender gives him the toothpick and away he goes.

No sooner has the homeless man left, another one shows up.

"What do YOU want?" asks the bartender mopping the floor. ...

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A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "come in! We have a magic ashtray that will grant one wish if you buy a pint"

He walks in to a swanky piano lounge which, interestingly, had a dwarf playing the piano.

He buys a pint and the bartender tells him to hold the ashtray and make his wish.

He squints and makes his wish. Suddenly a million ducks start swarming out from behind the bar and begin to cause ...

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A pissed drunk man stumbles onto the bus on his way home...

When he finally hobbles his way to the last empty seat, he turns to see a posh stiff lady seated with her frilly pink French poodle.

He turns his head shakily and slurs, "Where'dh ye get tha' pig?"

The lady huffs and retorts, "Ugh! Why, I'll have you know Mr. Squiggles is **not** a pig...

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A man goes to see a psychologist.

He sits on the couch and says, "Doc I've been having a lot of trouble concentrating at work."

The doctor pulls out his inkblots. "What do you see when you look at this?" Holding the first inkblot up to the man's eyes, the man squints and replies, "Sex."

The doctor holds up a second ink...

Robin Hood hands over stolen goods to the poor man

Man: Wow thank you robin hood, now i'm rich!

Robin: *squints* you're what?

A fairy appears in front of an old man.

"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"

The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."

The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"

Billy Bob and Bubba are walking down a trail when they spot a human head under a bush...

"Lookit that, Bubba!" Billy Bob says. "Ain't that cousin Jeff?"

Bubba picks up the head, raises it to his eyes, squints, then shakes his head.

"Naw," he says. "Jeff was taller."

A french man and his wife go shopping in America

As they are walking down the aisles, she is placing items in bags for them to buy. He is mindlessly walking behind her while she does so, he is missing the simple pleasures of France.
She stops and looks at her husband and holds up a loaf of bread. "Honey, do we need bread? Should I put it in a ...

Asian restaraunt

Waitress: what would you like?
Man: I would like a bowl of chili.
Waitress: But sir, this is a chinese restraunt.
Man : oh im so sorry. ( Squints eyes)
I would rike a bowl of chiri

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The long-distance eyesight competition

A world championship eyesight competition is taking place in Japan. After several days, the 3 final runner-ups have to prove to the world, the audience and the judges who has the world's best long-distance eyesight.

The first guy steps up into the podium. He looks toward the West and squints ...

A priest, a rabbi, and an engineer get caught by a barbaric tribe...

The tribe sentences all of them to death by beheading. The priest starts praying profusely as he stares up at the sharp bladed guillotine ready to end his life. His chants get stronger and frantic as the lever is finally pulled. Miraculously, the blade stops halfway and the tribe fearful of this man...

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The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.

The client, out of the blue, suddenly asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, ...don't reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minut...

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Shaun is a tourist visiting a small town in the Arabian desert.

He stops into a shop one day and when he's finished, he finds that his camel is missing its legs. Shocked, he approaches a bystander and asks if he saw who took his camel's legs. The bystander squints at him, looks at the camel, and says to Shaun "ah, that would have been the Camel Leg Thief, you ca...

Old Lady: "Harold? What are you doing with my birth certificate at 3 in the morning?"

Old Man: "Oh, I'm just fawning over how beautiful your name is, darling."

Old Lady: "Harold! That is incredibly sweet of you!"

Old Man: "Well, what can I say? I'm incredibly lucky to have married the woman I love, and that she could have such a beautiful name as... uh..."

*squi...

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It's an old man's birthday

He's wandering around the nursing home in his birthday hat, blowing his noisemaker, laughing, and loving life.

He sees one of the other residents and walks into his room.

"Hey, Carl! Guess how old I am today!"

Grumpy old Carl doesn't even look up. "No. Go away."

"C'mon, y...

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One my Dad used to tell, not sure if it's well known.

A local bum, for the laugh, wanders into a catholic church during mass one day, shouting "I'm Jesus Christ! I'm Jesus Christ!" The priest tells the altar boys to give him a fiver, get rid of him.

The bum thinks 'this is fantastic, off to the church of Ireland next!' Once again, he staggers i...

So a baseball coach and an English teacher are watching a game in a bar.

The coach gets up to go to the bathroom. He comes back 10 minutes later and sits next to his friend. He squints at the TV and says, "Bases are loaded, but who's on first?"

The English teacher sighs and says, "I'm not getting into that tired old joke with you. And it's 'WHOM', not 'WHO'."
...

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Trump and Pence go stop at a local diner for breakfast.

The waitress greets the two and says, "What will it be today?"

Pence looks up from the menu and says, "I'll have two eggs, bacon, rye, and a coffee. Thank you."

The waitress scribbles on her notepad and turns to Trump, "and for you, Mr. President?"

Trump smiles at the waitress a...

A couple of Scottish lads were out one night and they pass a small sign for a comedy act.

One friend squints to read it and says, "come on, let's check this out"

The other friend turns to him and says, "Aye, don't go in. He's not funny."

"How d'ya know, have you seen him before?" asks the enquisitive friend.

"Probably." he says, pointing at the tiny sign, "Look, he's...

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A bloke walks into a shop...

Bloke walks into a shop, squints at a sign and says "I'll have 5 pissoles, please."
The shopkeeper says "Pissoles? No, that's not a P, that's an R!"
"Oh right," says the bloke, "I'll have some arseholes then."

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A guy asks his girlfriend

A guy asks his girlfriend after their first night together:
"So... how many guys have you been with before me?"
The girl falls silent and squints at the ceiling.
"What? Did... I... Oh God. I never meant to..."
The girl doesn't react.
"Dammit. Come on... that was really inconsiderate o...

Sherlock Holmes and his trusty associate Dr. John Watson are strolling leisurely through London's botanical gardens. (OC)

They are investigating the mysterious disappearance of a botanist who specialized in arboreal citrus.

Watson squints, focusing his gaze on something across the gardens. He gasps in surprise and grabs Sherlock's arm. He points at the thing that has captivated his attention and asks "Sherlock, ...

Choochie Green was a hooker in a little town,

One Sunday morning she's decides to go to church. She gets all dressed up, in her finest mini skirt and top. She arrives early to ensure a seat up close. While the rest of the congregation files in, the priest notices her. He leans over to the alter boy and ask "Is that Choochie Green?" The boy squi...

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A priest walks into a bar...

...and finds a drunk arguing with the bartender because he doesn’t have money to pay for his next drink.

The priest feels a calling to intervene. “My son, I’ll buy that whiskey for you, but you have to be willing to hear me out.”

The drunk agrees and the priest orders a double.
...

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A man with a nervous facial twitch is auditioning for a part in a play

Every few seconds his cheek spasms and one eye squints.

The director of the play says "How do you expect me to give you a part if you keep doing that?"

The man replies "I actually have a medication for it, please wait one moment while I take it." He reaches into his right pocket and pu...

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A Black guy arrives at Heavens Gates...

The man is worried that due to his race, they might discriminate and not let him in. So when he walks up to the pearly gates he decides that at the very least, to better his chances to get in, he can change his name to that of a white person.

"Name?" asks St. Peter

The man searches for...

The police chief is interviewing applicants for a detective job.

The chief says to the three applicants "Alright, one of the most important things for a detective is to have good observational skills, so I'm going to give you all a little test. You'll each get a photo to examine for just five seconds, then you have to tell me what you notice about the subject's a...

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A man promises his wife to quit drinking...

...but that night he let's his buddy talk him into going to happy hour. He ends up getting so drunk he vomits all over himself. Suddenly overcome with guilt, he starts crying to his buddy. "What am I gonna do? I'm busted for sure."

But his friend has an idea. "Let me see your wallet.". T...

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The Forest Incident

The animals of the forest are having a meeting. For months on end, there was one big party and the forest lookes like the end of spring break. Vomit everywhere, empty bottles and trash on every clearing.

They agreed that this can't go on and voted to go teatotal. The bear was elected sheriff...

A Russian diplomat was visiting Washington DC...

While there, he was invited to a large dinner celebration being held by members of the US government. As he entered the dining hall, he was taken aback by the decor. It was very impressive. Everyone was served fillet mignon. The plates forks and knives were real silver. A small band was playing clas...

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A blonde woman goes appliance shopping...

... and upon arrival at the department store, she decides to take advantage of a sale that she sees. She calls over an employee and points to the marked-down price.

"I'd like to buy this television," she says, batting her eyelashes.

"I'm truly very sorry, miss," the employee tells her,...

One day a cowboy is riding in some tribal lands when he is captured by some natives...

He is thrown down on the ground before the chief, who looks at him with disgust and says, "These are our lands, for trespassing you must be sentenced to death. You can have one wish granted before we sacrifice you, what do you wish?"

The cowboy replies, "I'd like to speak with my horse."
<...

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A man is on his way into a bar when he spots a nun standing outside looking very confused...

The nun keeps looking up at the sign and trying to peer in through the windows. The man walks up and asks, "Is everything ok, sister? May I help you?"

Puzzled, the nun replies, "I was just trying to figure out... What is this place? What's a 'bar'?"

The man chuckles and says, "You'v...

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A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost.

It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could

forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines

covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings i...

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right by the beach ... [long] [slightly nsfw]

So I'm at the beach with my buddy, on Vancouver Island. We're just sitting on the rocks smoking some joints, meanwhile down on the sand there's girls in bikinis laying on their towels getting some sun. We see this guy walking along the beach talking to the girls.

He's wearing a big colorfu...

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