Something Else Jokes - 70 Hilarious Something Else Jokes

A beer bottle, a mirror, and ... something else.

The beer bottle is bragging "If you break me, you get a whole year of bad luck!"

"That's pathetic." says the mirror. "If you break me, you get seven whole years of bad luck!"

A condom looks at the beer bottle and the mirror. At first he says nothing. Then he begins to snicker. Then he...

What do you call it when a hillbilly dies and comes back as something else?

Reintarnation

I had a stone that I thought was something else, but a geologist friend told me it was gneiss.

I'm afraid i took it for granite.

I feel like The Mandela Effect used to be called something else.

But I can't remember what.

Which is why I still refer to it as The Mandela Effect.

Went to a fancy restaurant and ordered tuna, but they brought something else instead

Obvious catfish situation

I’ve never really liked how I’m a nihilist, so I’m trying to be something else.

I guess you can say I’m a denihilist.

I heard a joke today. It goes: what do you call something that makes something else? Wait no, what do you call something that lets you go up high? Wait no hang on,

I meant the former, not the ladder.

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I sat my son down for the sex talk.

I said, "Son, what are you supposed to do before you have sex?"

He said, "Trim your pubes."

I said, "No. Something else."

He said, "Clean your penis?"

I said, "No."

He said, "Jesus! No wonder mum never has sex with you."

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"Mom , I'm going out with the girls tonite" "Not with that mini skirt, take it off and put something else"

"But why mom?"

"Because I can see your balls frank"

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A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

A married couple with kid gets h*rny...

on a Sunday morning and thinks about how they can have some time to "cuddle". So they tell their son to go stand on the balcony and look if he can see something new going on in the neighbourhood.

So their son stands on the balcony and they get going. After a few minutes he yells: "Dad, dad! T...

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The Sexual Mosquito

A nymphomaniac woman was a regular at a sex shop, but after using their products for years she ended getting bored of the usual stuff. She asked the male cashier if there was something else out of the ordinary to try.
He suggest the Sexual Mosquito. That got her attention, so she asked on how t...

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The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a cr...

My wife says I only have 2 faults.

I don't listen and something else.

A rich businessman is dying and his friend comes for a last visit.

"Fred...", whispers the businessman, "I have to tell you something..."

"What is it, John? You can tell me everything.", says Fred.

"You know, that trade we were making with the Italians, the package we were delivering; Fred, I didn't deliver it, I kept it for myself... I kept 500 dolla...

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This is a joke my dad told me. He said he originally heard it from his father, who heard it from his father before him.

A man goes to the doctor and says

"Doc, I think I have a tapeworm"

The doctor looks at him and says

"Well, we're all out of medicine for that, but there might be something else I can do for you. Come home, then come back tomorrow with an orange, a Twinkie, and a baseball bat"...

When a family's lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, the wife kept hinting to the husband that he should get it fixed, but somehow, he always had something else to take care of first - the shed, the boat, making beer...

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When the husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. The husband watched silently for a minute, went into the house and came out again with a toothbrush. ...

Three construction workers have lunch together on top of a tall building.

Three construction workers have lunch together on top of a tall building.

The first one opens his lunch box and goes "Another tuna sandwich? I eat tuna sandwich every day. If I have to eat another tuna sandwich I'm going to jump!". The second one opens his lunch box and also goes "Man, anoth...

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

A girl enters a superstore and asked a salesgirl “Hi, do you sell XL condoms?”

A girl enters a superstore and asked the salesgirl “Hi, do you sell XL condoms?”

Salesgirl replied “Yes of course, it’s in family planning on aisle 5”

Thanking her, the girl rushed towards the aisle.

20 mins later:

Salesgirl finds the same girl again in aisle 5. Curious, ...

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A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pock...

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A marine comes back from vietnam after fighting for a year.

He is sent to the pentagon. The pentagon asks him: Do you want to get anything for your sacrifices?

The marine says: I want a dollar for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls.

The pentagos says: You sure you don't want something else?

The marine says: No sir.

On...

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69 joke

A married couple where the woman is more sexually experienced than the husband, likes to try new things regularly. One day the woman comes home and says “today we’re going to try 69”. The husband asks “what’s that?”. The wife says “don’t worry about it, just do what I say and it will be great!”. She...

Poodles are like cranberries.

Most people only get them if they're mixed with something else.

A man comes up to the drive thru window, and the attendant greets him:

Attendant: Welcome, how may I help you today?

Customer: I'd like a burger and a vanilla ice cream cone

Attendant: Sorry, the ice cream machine is broken again today, and we don't know how long it'll be down, so we don't have any ice cream today.

Customer: How about fries and ic...

A teenager rolled up to the Mexican border on a bike...

He had a sack of sand in his hand.

"What's in the sack?" asked the border patrol officer

"Just sand," said the kid.

The officer didn't believe him, so he opened the sack up to find just sand. The officer dumped the sack empty and dug through it but he only saw sand. He even took...

My wife says I have two major flaws

One is that I never listen when she talks to me, and two was something else.

50 shades of golf

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going and that she's got something else planned. Naturally, Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do...

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A farm boy graduated from college with a degree in journalism.

He got hired immediately and was told his first assignment was to write a human interest story. Being from the country, he decided to go back home to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way out in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and explained what he was there to ...

Mom was chatting with her friends.

One of them looked at me and said: look, he has his mother's mouth.

Another one replied: yes, and his father's eyes.

Then another one asked me: do you agree? do you see something else?

I said: yes sure, and his old brother's clothes.

A woman goes into a drugstore.

"Do you sell XL condoms?" she asks the pharmacist.

"Yes, of course, family planning is in aisle 5," he replies.

"Thanks," she says, and walks over.

About a half hour later the pharmacist is stocking shelves and sees the woman still standing in aisle 5.

"Did you find the c...

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3 guys were sitting in a biker bar.

A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face. And said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway...

"Dad, are you planning on getting me a gift for my birthday?"

"Of course, but your mother and I would like to get you something you will enjoy, what is it you want?"

"Well, crypto is hot - how about a Bitcoin."

"A Bitcoin? Sheesh, those things cost $45,237! Do you know how long it takes me to earn $31,479? Some day you'll have a job y...

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions......... 1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?r>
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make som...

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The spoon in a waiter's pocket catches the customer's attention

The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The...

An elderly lady visits the doctor for a regular checkup...

After the checkup the doctor asks "anything else?" The old gal replies that yes, indeed there is something else but it's quite embarrassing. The doctor assures her that being a doctor, nothing fases him. So she continues "you see doctor, I've got terrible gas, funny thing is its silent and odorless....

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The Godfather’s relaxing at his social club...

...with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up.

The Godfather calls one of them over.

“Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.”

Jimmy swells with pride.

“I ...

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a kangaroo walks into a bar while on vacation...

A kangaroo walks into a bar while on vacation.

Bartender:Don't see to many kangaroos in here, what can I get ya?
Kangaroo: I'm not feeling myself, want something that takes me back to my roots.

The bartender pours a beer and gives it to the kangaroo. The kangaroo drinks it.

K...

The price of victory

I wrote this joke in a book I published recently.

>“Would you like to hear a joke I wrote about seafood?”
>
>“Sure.”
>
>***A man went to a restaurant and ordered lobster. When the plate was placed before him, the lobster was in numerous pieces. The man asked...

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

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A wealthy snob walks into a bar

The snob asks the bartender for a 12-year-old Scotch. The bartender serves him, but the snob spits it out. "Hey, what are you trying to pull? I know my scotch, and this isn't 12-year-old, it's 5-year old!"

The bartender apologizes "Sorry, sir, we really don't have much demand here for 12 y...

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Is your mom a virgin too?

Jesus: Is your mom a Virgin, too?

Oedipus: Can we talk about something else?

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A woman finds a lamp and of course it contains a genie...

... which offers to give her only one wish as he is very much tired from his 10.000 years of imprisonment.

,,I want a million dollars!'' she screams excited.

The Genie nods. ,,It shall be as you wi-''

,,No!'' interrupts the woman. ,,Such a wish is selfish and petty. No, what I w...

Colonel Sanders calls up the pope.

"Your holiness", he says. "My business is losing money and I need help. I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican if you change the Lord's prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'".

"I'm sorry, Mr. Sanders" the pope replies. "I cannot change t...

Father I have fallen

There was an old priest in a small town who spent years listening to confessions, most of which had been about adultery. One day he had enough and said "If I get one more confession about adultery I will leave this town."

Now the people really liked the priest and didn't wanna see him leave s...

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Two business associates and long-time friends were having lunch together...

... when one asked what happened to his friend's fetching secretary.

"Oh, Brenda? She quit. She had such a beautiful body, but couldn't take a joke. I needed some travel arrangements and she just goes and quits on me."

"What?!? Why?", says the first.

"Well, you know when you say...

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Farmer Bill goes into a bar and is greeted by the bartender.

Joe: "Hey bill, what’s up? You look awful"

Bill: "Oh it's really bad. I don't wanna talk about it."

Joe: "Come on. You know you can tell me anything."

Bill: "No, there are things you just CAN'T explain."

Bill talks a little more to Joe and after two beer he finally ...

A guy walks into a store and says to the clerk, “I’d like a pound of kielbasa please.”

The clerk looks at him, squints his eyes, and says, “You’re Polish, aren’t cha?”

The man looks surprised and says, “Now how did you know that? Was it because I asked for the national meat of Poland? Or did something else give it away?”

The clerk replies, “It’s because this is a hardwar...

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I used to burn ants with a magnifying glass.

But now I'm focusing on something else.

My girlfriend got so mad at me for singing "Semi Charmed Life" all the time...

She said, I want something else...

Ray has just reached his 110th birthday. A reporter comes to his birthday party and says, “Excuse me, sir, but how did you come to be so old?” Ray replies, “It’s easy. The secret is never to argue with anyone.”

The reporter is not impressed. “That’s insane!” he says. “It has to be something else – diet, meditation, or ‘something.’ Just not arguing won’t keep you alive for 110 years!” Ray looks at the reporter and says, “Y’know, maybe you’re right.”

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus...

...he sets the octopus on the bar and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $50 this octopus can play any instrument you have."
The bartender agrees and directs him to a piano in the corner. After the octopus sits down and plays a few bars the man asks the bartended to pay up.
"Hold on" says t...

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Why did God give women orgasms?

So they've got something else to moan about

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[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can't see the bottom of this hole. "I wonder how deep it is.", the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen....

....nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen....still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try...

Peloton has announced a recall of all their treadmills...

... leaving their users scrambling to find something else to talk about all day.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I am extremely handsome and too many girls want me

She said something else about my chronic lying disorder but I wasn't really listening

Three builders are up on the scaffold one day [long]

They are discussing their lunches. The first builder says ''You know lads, I've been getting the same bloody ham sandwich, every day, for the last 10 years. If my wife makes me ONE MORE ham sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump right off this scaffold and end it all.''

The second builder says ''ha, t...

A man is walking on a beach...

And he trips over something. He looks down, and it is an old bottle. He picks it up, and out pops a genie. "I will give you one wish, and only one. What will it be?"

The man thinks, and thinks. He lives in California, but really loves to visit Hawaii, but he despises flying. So he asks the ge...

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There was once a boy who was born into a very rich family.

There was once a boy who was born into a very rich family. His parents could afford to give him anything he wanted. Well, the boy finally graduated from preschool. So far, he had already mastered his ABC’s and could count to one hundred perfectly. He could even spell fairly well, and his reading was...

God gave a wish to a man

God gave a wish to a man.

The man asked, " I want the whole world to be connected by a road".

"Sorry son, it's technically impossible to engineer such a road. Ask something else" , he replied.

"Well then, I want Trump to think before he speaks something", he asked.

"You...

Once, my mate Dave got kicked out of a hospital. When I asked why, he said

Apparently "Stroke Patients Here" meant something else.

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Things that have hair.

A teacher asks the kids at class:

"I want you to name things that have hair on it"

"A cat!", the first kid says.

"That's correct", teacher replies. "A cat has hair on it. Can anyone tell something else that has hair?"

"An owl!", says another kid.

The teacher said:...

I was certain that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result...

but every dictionary I check says something else.

A guy walks out of a job interview

And immediately asks his friends what are testimonials

Friends: your letter of recommendation and stuff

Guy: damn, I showed them something else

A man's father dies...

After the funeral and burial he wrote a check to pay for the entire service.

A month later he received a letter from the funeral parlor. He opened it and saw it was a bill for a hundred dollars.

They must have overlooked some detail he thought so he wrote a check and sent it back to th...

So, this dude was walking down a beach and kicked a lamp, and a magic genie pops out.

The genie gives him the old "you freed me, so I will grant you a wish" thing that genies do. So the guy says "I love riding my motorcycle. I would love to ride it around the world. Can you build a highway that connects the entire world together?" The genie pauses for a moment, and with a look of...

A man is walking on the sandy beaches of the US east coast

When suddenly he bumps his foot at something. Moving away some sand he finds it to be a magic lamp. He immediately starts rubbing the lamp and a genie appears.

Being grateful for being released after 200 years, the genie offered the man to make one wish of something he really wanted in his li...

There is a restaurant that advertises that it will serve you anything you want, but if they can't, then they will gift you $5000 as an apology.

A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be bullshiet, but decides to try it out anyway.

He enters and a waiter takes him to a table. The waiter asks, "What would you like to eat today, sir?"

Man: "I would like an elephant's ear and a muffin ...

A man is checking in for a flight from Russia to America.

Airport staff check his suitcase and see that he only has a bottle of vodka and a knife.

They ask him: is this all your luggage?

He replies: if I had something else, I would not go to America.

A girl said, "I hate your face"

I said, "So sit on something else."

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