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Scribbled Jokes

To whoever scribbled over one letter of my James Joyce book cover, I will get revenge.

Ulysse

A collector of rare books ran into a friend who told him he had just thrown out an old Bible that he had found in a dusty old box.

The collector's friend mentioned that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed the Bible.

"You don't mean Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!"

"You fool! You've thrown out one of the first books ever printed! A copy was recently auctioned off for hundreds of thousand...

My dad died in front of me

Before he died, he scribbled me a note. They were his last words. I decided not to open it till I was ready. A year later, I opened it and this is what is said, "You are stepping on my oxygen line".

Edit: Holy macaroni with a side of O2, thank you so much for 190 votes!!!

Edit 2: My, m...

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A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He can't help but notice that the covers to all the electrical sockets behind the bar have been scribbled all over with what appears to be crayons. "So what's up with all the crayon scribbles on the plug-ins?" he asks the bartender. "Oh, I did that," the bar...

The advantages of breast milk

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper.

The question directed: 'Give four advantages of breast milk.' What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1...

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Not so fast

One Friday morning, Bill was quietly sipping his coffee and reading the newspaper at the kitchen table when his wife came up from the basement and without warning, smacked him on the side of his head…

"What the Hell was that for?" Bill asked, covering his head with both hands, anticipating a ...

My new envelope arrived in the post.

Unfortunately some idiot had scribbled on it.

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A Hispanic carpenter is feeling depressed

After living a life of always reading other people's directions and instructions to do his job, he decides he wants to to make his *own* decision for once: Committing suicide.

So he scribbles down some words on a piece of paper and reviews what he wrote, nodding in approval. He hops into his...

The detective picks up a scent of Cuban tobacco on the victim’s body.

From this, he deduces that the killer was a smoker. He also discovers a crumpled up sheet of paper that has an address scribbled out on it. This leads him to the doorsteps of an old apartment. The detective readies his gun and barges in, eager to find a clue that ties the house to the suspect. But o...

John was on his deathbed

and his family was gathered near. Then his best friend Jim arrived and stood close to him. John's condition rapidly deteriorated and he motioned to something to write with. When offered, he quickly scribbled something and gave it to Jim. Out of respect, Jim placed it in his pocket as the nurses desp...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders one pint, the second one also orders 1 pint (astonishing the barman because he thought it was a repost), the third orders 1/2 a pint, the fourth orders 1/6th of a pint, the fifth orders 1/24th of a pint and so on. The bartender sees where this is going and says, "I'm all out of ...

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A 90 year old man was having his annual checkup while his family was standing by in the waiting room.

During the checkup, the doctor asked the man if he was having any issues with wetting the bed at night.

The man responded, "No doc, no issues at all with that. On the contrary, when I go to the bathroom, a fairy or something turns the light on when I open the door. And after I finish going ...

A man walked into a bar. The bartender asked him "so, why the long face?"

The man said, "Well, my grandpa died. We had the funeral yesterday".

"Oh, I'm so sorry", said the bartender. "Here, have this one on the house".



"Well thanks, but that's not all," said the man. "You see, today morning, his will was read. I used to think that I was his favorite,...

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Guy walks into a bar...

He notices an old drunk in a corner playing a piano. There's a scribbled sign that says "Taking Requests" and a tip jar. And on top of the piano sits a mangy looking monkey. The guy sits at the bar and orders a drink. As soon as the bartender sets the drink on the bar the monkey scampers over, jumps...

A group of students are doing their end-of-year exams.

The old beady-eyed moderator in charge of the classroom stared towards the clock at the end of the room as the students furiously scribbled down the remainder of their answers, knowing that time was almost up.

Minutes later, the clock struck a new hour and the exam was over.

“YOUR TIM...

R/jokes

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no,"...

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A woman (mom) was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night,

when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.

He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes,

and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare.

Th...

An English businesswoman explained to her doctor that she was always breaking wind.

At board meetings, during interviews,in lifts and on trams -- it was impossible to control. "But at least I'm fortunate in two respects," she told her doctor. "They neither smell nor make a noise. In fact, you'll be surprised to know I've let two go since I've been talking to you."
The doctor rea...

John woke up one morning with an enormous erection

so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to take a note to his wife. The ...

Just an old Bible

Jimmy had decided to take a year off before starting college and to hitchhike around Europe with his friend Billy. After several weeks he called his dad to get him to send them more money .


"It's been more expensive than I thought over here Dad", Jimmy told his dad. "We got to Germany and...

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