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The nurse sauntered in with the thermometer...

She was here to temp me.

Bert, at 75 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them and he was so delighted with his purchase decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret at age 73, looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen...

Two good ol’ boys were out hunting in the fields…

when they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They edged closer and were amazed at its size.

The first one said, "By golly, that's some hole! I can’t see the bottom - I wonder how deep it is?


Scratching his chin the second said, "Well, I surely don't know.“

The fi...

A guy walks into a bar, pulls up a seat, and orders his favorite drink.

In the bar there's a group of gorgeous blond ladies who are having a bit of a celebration. "TWENTY-SIX DAYS! TWENTY-SIX DAYS!" they shout as they're knocking back drink after drink.

This goes on for some time. The ladies are getting more and more intoxicated, "TW..TWENNNTTTY-SIX DAYYYYS.... &...

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Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll.

One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman sa...

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There once was a mathematician.

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

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NSFW: The Monkey and the Lion

There was a problem amongst the denizens of the jungle.

A monkey had recently been fucking all the different animals in the jungle against their will, save for the lions, as they are at the top of the food chain. Literally all the different animals had fallen victim to the monkey; he was ind...

A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...

The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general ...

The deep hole [PG]

Two guys, Jim and Dwight, were out for a hike. While on their jaunt they came across a pitch black hole the size of a minivan. Amazed Dwight walked carefully to the edge. He looked into the utter darkness and exclaimed "Woah! Hey Jim, how deep do you think this goes??"


Jim saunt...

Two witches were arguing about who was the better witch

One rainy day inside the coven HQ, Meredith and Wendy were arguing about who was the better witch.

"I'm the superior spellcaster", boasted Meredith. She raised her wand into the air, and conjured up a small cloud. It snowed over Wendy's head, dropping hailstones the size of marbles.

"...

A good looking man walked into a singles bar, bought a drink and settled down ready to use his best lines.

But for the next two hours every woman he approached gave him the brush-off. Then suddenly a really ugly guy walked in and within seconds he was surrounded by beautiful, available women. A few minutes later he sauntered out with a stunning brunette on each arm.

The handsome guy was thoroughly...

So I saw a humanoid looking fly the other day...

Let me tell ya, it was the weirdest thing. I was just walking down the street with my friend when we got approached by this guy.
Except he wasn’t really a guy at all, you see. He walked up right and spoke in perfect vernacular, but his eyes were bulbous red compound orbs, his mouth a long tube...

A woman and her best friend go to a restaurant next to the local College for Chemistry...

...The waiter, who happened to be working his way through school at this restaurant, sauntered up to the table and asked the first lady "May I bring you something to drink?"

The first lady said "Oh, I'll just have some H2O". The waiter turns to the second lady and looks at her "And you ma'am?...

On a recent trip to New York the Pope saw the most beautiful red car...

As the Pope basked in the beauty of the red car, the owner appeared and insisted that he should take it for a test drive.

"No, no!" exclaimed the Pope, "I couldn't possibly!"

The driver wouldn't take no for an answer and jumped in the back of the beautiful red car. And so off they we...

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A wolf and a rabbit hated each other...

One day, the pair were walking through an enchanted forest when they discovered a magical frog trapped in a hole. The frog promised to grant them each three wishes if they helped him escape. The two rescued the frog, and after they set him safely on the ground, the frog croaked, "thank you! Now I wi...

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Bears in Bars in Butte, Montana

One beautiful springtime day, a bear wakes up after a long winter's sleep, smacks his lips, and decides he's going to go to town to get a beer.

Just so happens that this bear's home is nearby Butte, Montana, and he found it pretty easy to find a bar. He walks on in, takes a stool, lays his bi...

Carmelo and his brother Dave sat together admiring the size of his vast, but empty backyard.

"Hey Carm," says Dave "we should do something with your yard. Maybe a pool or something."

Carmelo glanced over grinning.

"Way ahead of you man. I've already hired a company to spruce the place up. Actually, I have a sub-contractor coming over tomorrow for the deck."

...

Recycling is important...

I went to the bar last night. I saw two rather large ladies having a great time. They seemed to be speaking in an Irish accent. I sauntered over and asked them

"Are you ladies from Ireland?"

They responded, "It's Wales, you idiot!"

I apologized immediately and said
"Are you ...

An old lady received 3 wishes...

An old lady sat on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appeared and informed her that she would be granted three wishes.

Well, now,” said the old lady, ”I guess I would like to be really rich.”
*POOF* Her rocking chair turn...

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