Sage Jokes - 62 Hilarious Sage Jokes

The wise spice trader was known for his sage advice

He was less sought after for his oregano guidance, his thyme tips, and his rosemary consultations.

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A man had a [Long] penis

He had a 25 inch long package.

It created difficulties in his life as it was not easy to move around with it and women were afraid of him too.

One day he was wondering to himself how he could change his penis and his life into a normal one while walking down a road, there, he came ac...

I told my wife that I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.

Her: How would you find the time?

Me: Easy. It’ll be right next to the sage.

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A Japanese ascended a tall mountain to seek wisdom from a sage. He asks: “Master Akira, why do people all think Japanese look alike?”

“I’m not master Akira!”

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There’s a little-known legend about Attila the Hun.

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its a...

I've been known to give sage advice from time-to-time.

Though I do get funny looks for talking to herbs.

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A sage curses a naughty kid

A kid was throwing stones on a tree. Every time he would miss the tree and say "Oh shit, I missed the target".

A sage was passing by and he asks the kid to stop throwing stones. The kid ignores and throws another stone.

"Oh shit, I missed the target."

The sage gets angry and s...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

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Once, in the fifteenth Century B.C., there lived a pharaoh.

And that pharaoh once got a sexually transmitted disease.

All the best medics of Egypt tried to cure him, but all have failed. Until one day, an old man told him that in one oasis to the west, there is an old sect of priests who know many secrets of medicine.

Quickly, the pharaoh order...

A rich man asks a sage for advice

A rich man visits a temple to see a sage. He asks the sage how he can find true peace and fulfillment.

The sage says, "take everything in your life that brings you stress, worry, and misery, and put it all in the cave near the top of that mountain behind the temple".

The man does ...

I've being trying to find an anagram for "sage".

It's taken me ages and ages, but I still haven't got anything.

Woman goes to see a doctor about her bed wetting problem

Doctors listens to her, nods sagely where appropriate and then tells her to strip. Woman is a bit confused but does as instructed. While she is undressing doctor places a big mirror on the floor and then tells woman to do a headstand over it. Even more confused woman does as instructed, figuring doc...

Out of all of Aesop's Fables, my favorite is the one about the herbs

It's a thyme-less tale that ends with some really sage advice.

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A person, diagnosed with HIV for years, decides to visit a wise old sage.

The person visits the wise man and asks him, "I am very depressed with my life. What should I do? Please gives me guidance, O wise man!"

The old man says, "When life gives you lemons, made lemonade."

The person then walks out.

Days pass by but the person is still as sad with hi...

What did the evil spirit say when someone burned some sage?

"Wow, you're so incense-itive."

A man reached the top of the mountain and tells the sage atop it “I seek one greater than the meaning of life itself.”

The sage replies “43.”

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage?

They say he fears the wurst

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A man hears about a magical lake…

…. where taking a bath increases penis size by an inch. He travels across the country in search of the this majestic lake when he comes across a homeless person who points towards a tall mountain and tells him the lake is on the top.

The man hastily arrives at the bottom of the mountain try...

My father looked me in the eyes and sagely advised, “ Son, find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”

“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”

She handed me a jar and said, "This herb goes well with pork, beef, duck and chicken recipes, and fatty meats in particular."

I looked at the label and thought, "That is some sage advice."

I was busy in my garden and the neighbour looked over the fence and said.. “What are you doing?”

I said “I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order...”

She replied “Really? I don't know how you find the time..!”

Oh that's easy I said, “Its right next to the sage.”

I went to an herbalist looking for wisdom.

All he gave me was *sage* advice.

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There was a guy with a miro penis(nsfw)

There was a guy with a penis so small, he was so dejected whenever he saw it. He went to a lot of doctors in order to get a larger penis,but in vain. After enquiring a lot, he came to know that there was a sage who lived upon a mountain who helped in increasing penis sizes.

He agreed to g...

A guru of a chef once gave me invaluable tips regarding herbs.

It was sage advice.

What profession?

The father of a bright young son went to a wise friend for advice as to what profession the youth should be fitted for. The sage was brusque.

"Let the boy choose for himself," he said.

"But," protested the father, "he's too young."

"Well," responded the wise man, "put him in a ...

I was told not to make fun of my girlfriend for waving smoke around the house for good luck.

It was some sage advice.

A man that can't talk goes to the doctor

A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"

The doctor nodded sagely and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but...

I need some help with cooking....

Can anyone offer me some Sage advice?

A pilgrim was seeking enlightenment

They were told to climb a mountain somewhere that could be called Tibet (but we thank the Zhongguo Reddit investors, so shan't mention it).

As the pilgrim climbed the mountain for half a day, he came across a sage with a beard this
^
|
Long and a sword this <--> big w...

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Once there was a man with a little penis..

No girl would sleep with him and he just wanted to end his life, then his friend told him about a Sage who lived on the peak of Himalayas, that he had a mantra which could help him.

Without wasting time the man left for Himalayas. On his was up to the peak he found a huge boulder blocking the...

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A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything”.

The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it.

The Buddhist asks “Where’s my change?” and the vendor replies “change must come from within”.

A gun then extends from the Buddhist’s chest and he asks...

My gardener talked to me about edible herbs I can grow.

It was sage advice.

The world's philosophers and theologians have gathered for a summit...

...held, dramatically enough, on the summit of an actual mountain. Everyone was having a great time, mingling together, discussing the great philosophical questions of the day.

Rumors started to swirl around about one particular holy man who had joined the day's festivities. This particularly...

What do you call a hot dog wizard?

A sau-sage

An old fisherman and his wife ate fish every day...

An old fisherman and his wife lived in a remote outport and they ate fish every day. One day, the fisherman said, "Dear, I'm sick of fish. A big grocery store opened in the town that's 40 miles away, I'm going there to buy something different for dinner."

So the fisherman goes to the grocery ...

A policeman knocked on my door.

"I need a word with you right now."

"OK," I replied, thinking to myself. Then I added: "Got one...'sa*u*sage'."

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Three Black Women are in an Airport

Three black women are in an airport, discussing back and forth about their flight from Newark to London, and the difficulties therein. Finally, they come around to what happens if the plane crashes.

The first woman says "If we go down, I'ma make sure I'm wearing hot pink panties."

The ...

I once knew a very wise herb gardner

He was know for his sage advice

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A man had a small penis..

He was depressed all the time. To help him out, his friend suggests him a place he heard, that helped people to increase their 'inches'. At the thought of giving it a try he visits there one day.

All he could see there was a hill and while he was searching a way to proceed, an old guy tells ...

What do you call a wise pig who's also a lumberjack?

A saw sage

If you get helpful tips from a man called Herb...

Is it sage advice?

An English fighter pilot is talking to a class after WWII

He's telling them about the Battle of Britain. He says "Well there were Fokkers to the left of us and Fokkers to the right of us..."

The Teacher interrupts him to speak to the class, "Now might be a good time," she says, "to remind the class that Fokker was a German aircraft manufacturer.
...

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Mark, The banker, saw his old Nebraska friend Bob, an eighty-year old rancher, in town...

Bob had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Bob if the rumor was true. Bob assured him that it was. The banker then asked Bob the age of his new bride to be.

Bob proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-o...

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A dejected young man boarded a bus and moped up the driver, paid his fair, and trudged to a seat.

The driver tried to cheer him up, "what's wrong mate? you having a bad day? cheer up lad, things'll brighten up" The younger bloke nodded and grimaced a smile, and began to tell the driver of his woe. "I'm 24 and I'm a virgin, I'm not attractive and it
never just seemed to work out with girls, s...

Which breakfast gurus would you ask for carpentry advice?

The saw sages.

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A male dumb blond joke.

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!" The...

Three men die and are at the pearly gates ...

St Peter explains to them that, while in the old days God demanded that only Christians who closely studied the Bible could get into Heaven, times have changed and requirements have been relaxed. These days, you only need to know the basics.
St Peter turns to the first man and says, "if you can...

Do y'all have any tips on growing Salvia officinalis?

I could use some sage advice.

A truck driver is heading west across the Arizona desert. He has been driving all night, and as the sun starts to rise, he feels the need to stop and commune with nature.

He pulls to the side of the road, parks, and walks out into the sage brush.
As he is standing there, looking around at the beauty of the early morning, he notices a lever sticking out of the ground. After a few moments, he walks over, walks all the way around, and then reaches out to grasp the le...

A young doctor an an old doctor were standing in a hospital, trying to out-diagnose each other.

The competition was heating up, and the next correct diagnosis would be the winner.

Just then an old man hobbles by, walking carefully with short, shuffling steps. He has an IV tower with him and appears to be leaning on it for support.

The young doctor snaps his fingers and says “I g...

First Day in the Monastery

A young man joined an order of Benedictine monks. On his first day, the aged Abbott takes him on a tour of the monastery. The young novice is shown to the cells where the monks sleep, the chapel where the monks pray, the mess hall where they eat. Finally, the Abbott takes the new recruit to see t...

Donald Trump and Mike Pence were talking when Trump. said, "I hate all the dumb jokes people tell about me."

Wise Old Pence, feeling sorry for his old boss, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you." Pence took Trump outside and hailed a taxi driver. "Please take me to Number One Observatory Circle in northwestern Washington to see if ...

Another Golfing Woman Joke

A comely young blonde decided that she wanted to learn how to golf. So she goes to the pro shop at a course near her home, and signs up for lessons.

Well, she's a natural at it, so after a couple of weeks of instruction, the pro suggests she go out and play 9 holes.

Early the next morn...

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A nun goes golfing...

*[I was playing a round of golf the other day with a fellow who asked me if I knew any golf jokes. When I replied that I did not, he said you should always have a golf joke or two in your repertoire. I asked him for a joke then, and he told me this one. I now have one in my repertoire, and so wil...

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A time traveler meets with an ancient Jewish Bibical author.

After a brief introduction, having convinced the scribe of his identity, the time-traveler launches into an excited speech:

"Rabbi, do you know that in the future, your writings will spawn off other religions that in turn would make most of the world's population adherents of the Abrahamic fa...

The tale of Drango Dune

A proddy young gunfighter swings off his horse and barges through the batwing doors into a saloon, where everyone falls silent, except for the piano player, who carries on playing with never a pause. "I'm looking for Drango Dune!" yells the young man, and everyone turns away except for one old-timer...

The Art of the Sermon

Mullah Nasreddin was invited to give a sermon. Reluctantly, he dragged himself to the pulpit in the front of the room and glared at his attentive listeners.

"Do any of you," he began. "Have any idea what I'm about to say?"

His followers glanced around in confusion and shook their hea...

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Visit to the zoo

This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla’s enclosure, a gust of wind blew some grit into his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the hapless fellow senseless.

When the guy came ...

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A city boy got a job at a lumber camp up in the Great White North . . .

. . . and was noticing how far removed the camp was from the nearest civilization. So he approached his foreman and said, "Hey, we're pretty isolated out here. What do you guys do when you get - y'know - horny?"
The foreman, a burly French Canadian, said, "Come weeth me."
He took the city b...

Trump and Obama - oldie but goldie

It's time for Obama to step down. As a final duty Obama gives Trump the combination to the office safe and tells him, "There are three envelopes in there labelled "1", "2", and "3". If you end up in trouble, open envelope "1". He says his goodbyes and rides off into the sunset.

A couple of we...

In the City of Loafington, there lived a superhero named Wonderbread.

Wonderbread was, predictably, a superhero with bread-themed powers. He could beat up a gang with a baguette, trap someone in a giant pita, or cushion someone's fall with swiftly-rising dough. He was beloved by all in the city, for his escapades had the lovely side-effect of feeding the entire city f...

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.

The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

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