Patriots Jokes - 46 Hilarious Patriots Jokes

Super Bowl Halftime

At halftime it's Maroon 5 Patriots 3 Rams 0

upvote

downvote

report

They're only called patriots if they come from the Pat region in France

otherwise, they are just sparkling riots

upvote

downvote

report

I'm relieved the Patriots lost...

No patriot I know would ever beat an eagle.

upvote

downvote

report

What do the Patriots and an American who took an ambulance have in common?

They were crushed by the bills.

upvote

downvote

report

What does patriots stand for

Pay
All
The
Refs
In
Order
To
Succeed

upvote

downvote

report

Tony Dungy visits Bill Belicheck to try and learn the Patriots secrets.

He asks Bill about how he always wins no mater what is going on.

Bill calls Tom Brady into his office and asks him "who is you father's brother's nephew?"

Brady responds "Me"

Bill turns to Tony and says "see you, need smart players"

The next day at practice Tony calls ove...

upvote

downvote

report

What do the Patriots and Measles have in common?

They both got to go to Disneyland, because some idiot decided to pass on something.

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New England Patriots gates....

When they filmed the other teams practicing it was called "Spygate"

When Brady used deflated balls it was called "Deflategate"

Now that Bob Kraft is in trouble for visiting a full service massage parlor, would that be called, "Tailgate"?

The Patriots

The pats shoulda subbed Bush in, he got more yards on that wheelchair than Blount did all game. #riseup

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between the New England Patriots, Donald Trump, and a prostitute?

Someone likes the prostitute!

The Patriots can still win...

By Electoral College votes.

upvote

downvote

report

Why do Patriots fans make the best spouses?

Because they don't mind if you cheat.

upvote

downvote

report

The Patriots aren't going to the Super Bowl this year

I'm deflated.

upvote

downvote

report

Was nice to see the Rams and Patriots

make it to the Maroon 5 concert last night

upvote

downvote

report

The Patriots had to re-sod their field.

Even the grass wont root for them.

upvote

downvote

report

The Patriots are true gentlemen.

They let the Falcons finish their game before they started theirs.

upvote

downvote

report

How many Patriots fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just talk about how good the old one was.

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Patriots owner was picked up for soliciting a prostitute.

He told the cops he didn’t think getting his balls deflated was a big deal.

What do Patriots fans and horse flies have in common?

They’re both annoying.

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Patriots are like a giant dick.

Everyone that tries to take them on, ends up choking.

The Chiefs’ defense isn’t doing well against the Patriots’ offense...

Reminds me of colonial times.

upvote

downvote

report

Why have the Patriots won so many Super Bowls?

Because the owner really likes a happy ending.

upvote

downvote

report

What's the difference between patriots, eagles, and Cheerios?

Cheerios belong in a Bowl.

upvote

downvote

report

what's the difference between Patriots fans and cicadas?

cicadas are only annoying every few years

upvote

downvote

report

New England Patriots’ Robert Craft is charged with soliciting prostitution.

He just wanted to show the masseuse where he wears his 6th super bowl ring.

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Patriots owner Robert Kraft charged with solicitation of prostitution

‪Robert Kraft ought to open his own chain of rub-n-tug parlors called Kraft’s Singles. “Your balls deflated or your money back!”‬

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the official electro-pop band of the New England Patriots?

Kraftjerk

That Patriots player that just got tackled in the crotch....

Is he their new leading sacker?

upvote

downvote

report

How will Tom Brady feel if the Patriots lose?

Deflated.

upvote

downvote

report

New England Patriots to bring OJ Simpson on staff...

In an interview, Simpson stated he got the job after responding to a Craigslist ad. He added, "They were looking for a defensive coordinator, and I just though to myself... nobody has more success at building a strong defense than I do."

upvote

downvote

report

BREAKING NEWS: Patriots admit Tim Tebow hired by mistake.

After tight end Aaron Hernandez request for white Bronco.

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With today’s news, we have now identified two members of the Patriots franchise

Who have deflated their balls illegally.

What's the best part about dating a Patriots fan?

They don't care if you cheat.

upvote

downvote

report

New England Patriots list Aaron Hernandez out for week 1.

Suspended.

upvote

downvote

report

What is the official snack food of the Boston Red Sox and New England Patriots?

Cheat-o's

upvote

downvote

report

It's cool how today everyone is applauding patriots for standing up for human rights...

...and by next Sunday everyone will be back to hating the Patriots again

upvote

downvote

report

The weather in New England meant they had to delay the victory parade for the Patriots.

They must feel really deflated.

upvote

downvote

report

Did you hear they asked Aaron Hernandez if he wanted to watch the Patriots visit to The White House on the rec room TV?

He said, "No thanks I'll just hang in my cell"

upvote

downvote

report

If the shortened nickname for the Buccaneers is the Bucs, the Jaguars are the Jags, and the Patriots are the Pats...

Then what do we call the Titans?

upvote

downvote

report

I totally forgot the Super Bowl was tonight!

Don't worry; so did the ~~Patriots~~ Falcons.

upvote

downvote

report

I went to a Bengals game last year when they were playing the Patriots. The stadium wasn’t completely empty, as a matter of fact I was sitting beside a man with a German Shepard.

This seemed odd, but the dog was intensely watching the game. In the fourth quarter the Bengals were surely losing, the dog started to tear up. Nearing the end of the game the dog was crying and whimpering. When the game was over (34-13 for the Pats) the dog started openly and inconsolably weepin...

upvote

downvote

report

Why I am the way I am

My children asked me once why I am the way I am. So I told them.

One day, shortly after my first child was born, I came across an old lamp in a bundle of baby clothes. I wiped the lamp off, and a genie appeared and offered me three wishes. "But," the genie added, "your wishes will come with a...

upvote

downvote

report

Monday night football

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, I really can't see the Patriots beating the Bills tonight," he tells the bartender. "Are you crazy? Why not?" the bartender asks. "Because my wife cancelled our cable."

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Robert Kraft facing charges of soliciting a prostitute just means...

That once again the Patriots are tied to a scandal involving deflated balls.

If you could choose one NFL team to not come back after the Corona Virus, which one would you choose?

And why did you choose the Patriots?

upvote

downvote

report

A liar, a murderer, and a cheater walk into a bar.

The New England Patriots must be in town.

upvote

downvote

report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.