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Quadriplegic Jokes

Quadriplegic jokes I've gathered from over the years.

What do you call a quadriplegic that hangs on your wall?

Art.

What do you call a quadriplegic that lays on your porch?

Matt.

What do you call a quadriplegic that is in a hole?

Doug.

What do you call a quadriplegic in a ditch?

Phil.

What do you ...

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The Quadriplegic At The Beach

An armless and legless girl is lying on the beach, crying. A man comes over and asks,

"What are you crying about?"

She goes, "I'm crying because in my whole life I've never been kissed."

So he kneels down and kisses her, but that
causes her to cry even more. He asks, "What ar...

What did the blind, deaf and mute quadriplegic get for Christmas?

Cancer.

Where can you find a quadriplegic?

Right where you left 'em

What do you call two quadriplegics that are both named Charles?

A pair of numb Chucks.

What do you call a quadriplegic who plays the piano?

A headbanger.

What do you call a deaf quadriplegic?

Whatever you want

What do you call a quadriplegic swimmer?

Bob

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A woman's having a hard time finding a healthy relationship

A woman's having a hard time finding a healthy relationship so she decides to place a very specific ad for a lover in the newspaper. The ad reads, "I am looking for someone who will never hit me, never walk on out on me, and is good in bed." A few days later, her doorbell rings. She answers the door...

So a quadriplegic amputee went...

Absolutely nowhere.

What do you call a quadriplegic laying on the floor?

Matt.

I got arrested for open carrying at a quadriplegic convention.

Honestly, it was blatant discrimination. They kept saying I was two armed.

What do you call a quadriplegic in a therapy pool?

Vegetable soup

I'm appalled that the quadriplegic society won't allow me to run in their presidential election

I won't stand for it!

A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic girl on a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home and they start making out in his car.

He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this where her parents could come outside and catch them in the act. She says not to worry because she has a place they can go.

So he helps her in her chair and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get in the back, she shows hi...

What do you call a quadriplegic time traveler?

Marty Mcsit

The Dating Ad

A woman places an ad in the newspaper. "Woman searches love: Must be respectful and never abuse me. Must be not run to the pub and return late drunk. Must be a great lover."

Sometime later that week the doorbell rings and she opens the door surprised to see a quadriplegic in a wheelchai...

What's black and sits in a wheelchair at the top of the stairs?

A quadriplegic after a house fire.

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A man takes a walk along an ocean pier....

Where he spots a quadriplegic woman in a wheelchair, crying. He asks her what's wrong, and she replies, "I'm 35 years old, and I've never been kissed before."

The man leans forward, and gently kisses the woman on the lips.

The woman cheers up a bit, and thoughtfully says "You know, I'...

How does the quadriplegic man type on his keyboard?

He holds his hands above his head.

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A quadriplegic guy buys a mechanical arm

NSFW

A quadriplegic guy buys a mechanical arm to help him jack off.


The arm is voice commanded.


He decides to try it and he's very excited to be able to relieve himself after years of abstinence.


So he goes " jerking off "



The arm proceed to jer...

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Frank, British war veteran and quadriplegic, was a raging alcoholic.

When he was sober, Frank was a mean bad ass mother fucker, that no-one dare cross.

But when Frank was legless he was 'armless.

How do you give a quadriplegic a headache?

Ask him to hold open the elevator door

A quadriplegic goes off to college but never graduates.

He tried and tried but just couldn't get that leg up.

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A man is walking down the beach when he sees a quadriplegic woman crying by herself. Trying to be kind he walks up and asks here what's wrong.

> "I've never been hugged", replies the woman.

The man figures it would be a nice thing to do, so he picks heer up and gives her a hug. She smiles. Then her face drops and she starts crying again.

> "What's the matter now?", asks the man.

> "I've never been kissed", ...

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A lady places an online ad looking for the perfect man.

Her post read “Looking for a man who will not cheat, who will not run away, and who is good in bed!”

She received many replies but none that met all three criteria.

Several months went by and she began to lose hope.

One day the doorbell rang and it was a quadriplegic man smiling...

There’s some guy at my school who is extremely lazy and wants everybody else to do things for him.

Apparently he calls himself “quadriplegic” or something

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A man goes to his doctor complaining about his dick...

"Doctor! My dick, it's turning orange!" "How many times do I have to tell you," responded the doc, "You have to stop eating Cheetos while you're masturbating!"

Note: This joke was much funnier when I heard it in a comedy club told by a quadriplegic man!

So I tried Colgate for the first time.. was not impressed-

The tube said 'Guaranteed whiteness in 3 brushes". 3 brushes later, I'm still Asian.

(Speaking of still Asians, my grandma's a quadriplegic. She's a pretty still Asian)

What do you call an Irishman who can't hold his liquor? [OC]

A quadriplegic.

"Hey, I'm walkin' here!"

-Quadriplegic with a sense of humor

I started a joke but I need help completing it.

Two quadriplegics walk into a bar...

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A woman places a personal ad in the papper...

Ad goes as follows...


"Woman seeking man with strong arms to hold me. Must enjoy long walks on the beach, and above all else, is good in bed."


A few days later her door bell rings. She answers the door to a quadriplegic man in a wheel chair. He says, " I here because of the ad...

My wife is kind of lazy

We were watching an item on the news yesterday, about a wheelchair-bound quadriplegic who could play the (specially adapted) flute beautifully.

"Oh my god." She said, tears welling in her eyes, "I'd love to be able to do that."

"What, play the flute?" I asked.


"No, sit down ...

Taking my dog for a walk

Taking my quadriplegic dog for a walk is a real drag.

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A bartender walks into a bar

goes behind the counter and does 12 hours of serving drinks to indifferent faces. They don't care about his life. He delays going home to his wife by flirting with a waitress, but he knows she's just being nice.

He goes home to a wife who hands him divorce papers, and his son at her side, no...

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