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Politely Jokes

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

Politely asking

I love how in scary movies the person yells out 'Hello?' As if the killer is going to be like " yeah I'm in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests there, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

So she approached him, smiled and said politely, "Hello, my name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name", he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No", she replied, "As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I choose Ca...

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

A female janitor at my building asked me if i wanted to smoke some weed with her.

I politely declined- I can't deal with high maintenance women.

A man offered me a free 72 ounce steak if I could finish it all in 30 minutes or less. I politely declined....

Upon further thought, It was a huge missed steak

You have to be born in the 1940's and been a teenager in 1957 in order to get this joke

Its 1957 and Bob goes to pick up his date.
Peggy Sue's Father invites him in.

He asks Bob what they plan on doing.

Bob politely responds that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I h...

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A guy was in an elevator one day & noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.

He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “3rd floor” she replied, “ I come here once a month to donate blood & they pay me $50”
“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen & they pay me $200”. Just then th...

A sign on a restaurant window says "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win one million dollars"

A man walking by notices the sign and walks in the restaurant and sits down at the table with a smirk on his face. The waiter asks what he will be having and the man says "I will have white rhinoceros stew please." The waiter comes out with a boiling hot bowl of exactly what the man ordered. The man...

How do you politely cut a friend out of your life?

Asking for a friend.

Two flat tyres...

I forgot to zip up my trouser.

So a lady told me politely, "Sir, your garage is open".

I gave her a naughty smile as I zipped up and asked, "Did you see my Range Rover parked inside?".

She smiled back and said, "No, just one small Toyota with two flat tyres".

"How much does this chimney cost?", the customer asked politely

"Oh, prices are through the roof sir!", the salesman replied.

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

Old army joke

A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. He calls the previous commander up, now a maj...

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A blonde boards a plane, flying economy...

Once the plane has taken off, and the seatbelt signs have turned off, she gets up, takes her stuff, and moves a few rows forward to an unoccupied first class seat.

One of the cabin crew approaches her, and politely says "excuse me madame, but you can't sit here. This is a first class seat, an...

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A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I...

Jesus walks up to his favorite Starbucks’ counter and politely asks for a grande macchiato.

The barista, puzzled, inquires, “Why the new order?”

“I’ve been stuck on a tall Pike for a while.”




(An original by me.)

A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.

A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.

"I would like a cup of coffee, please," says the guy.

"And I'd like a can of beer, you ugly pig!" shouts the duck.

The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. Bu...

A neutron walks into a bar.

He orders politely, finishes his beer, and throws $5 on the bar. The bartender pushes it back and says, “For you, no charge”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

Take a tip from a nice pirate and politely extend an arrr to people.

Then instead of acting rudely you’d be acting nudely.

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.




The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

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So a guy walks into an ice cream shop..

He asks the clerk 'hello sir may I have a quart of vanilla?'

The clerk politely responds 'Im sorry we're fresh out of vanilla'

The man clearly disappointed says 'ah shucks alright I guess I'll just take a pint of vanilla'

The clerk slightly agitated states 'Sir we are complet...

A roll of duct tape walks into a bar. Bartender, polishing up a glass, asks politely: “What can I get you?”

The duct tape looks around, thinks for a moment and says, “I think I’ll just stick to my usual.”

she wants a box of condoms

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady...

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front...

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident;

it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, 'Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be frien...

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Little Johnny is in grade two class when the teacher says, "Okay boys and girls, today we are going to learn a new word."

She writes the word on the chalkboard and asks, "Who knows how to say our new word?"
Little Johnny, who is sitting in the back, puts his hand up and yells, "Oh, I know, I know, pick me, pick me!"
The teacher knows Little Johnny is a troublemaker, and he will probably say something silly, s...

How do you start to politely tell someone that their God isn't in the stars?

"Well... If it's any constellation..."

A woman marries a narcissist

There was a woman who married a man who never thought of anyone other than himself. His favorite thing to do was to complain about his wife to anyone who would hear. One day he went out with a mule and started complaining about his wife to the mule. The mule was so annoyed by his complaining that it...

The Divorce Settlement

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come to collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background musi...

One of my family photo dropped under a women's feet while sitting on a bus. When I asked her politely, I was shocked she slapped me.

I asked her, "Could you lift up your leg? I need to take a picture under your skirt".

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