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We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

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A woman goes to a grocery store to grab a few things.

She brings her basket to the checkout counter and begins to offload it. She has a half gallon of milk, some apples, a frozen pizza, a pint of ice cream, a loaf of bread, a box of pasta, some canned tomatoes, and some aluminum foil.

The clerk, looking over the assortment of items as he rings h...

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

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3 generations of prostitutes

3 generations of prostitutes are standing on a corner talking. The younger one says “You know guys out here are only paying $20 for blow jobs?”

The middle age one says “$20? Let me tell you when I started doing this guys only paid $5”

The prostitute in her 80’s perks up and says “You t...

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Coincidental celebrations

A chicken farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman on the stool next to him perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! "
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day f...

Perks of being single and in locked down

You don't have to share your coronavirus.

Sure, people may look down on me for being self-employed, but it certainly has some hidden perks.

For instance, my boss gives the best handjobs.

What’s the perks of dating a homeless woman?

You can drop them off wherever you want.

What are some of the perks of living in Switzerland?

Well, the flag's a big plus.

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Had sex with an Asian, a black and a white in the same night.

Perks of having a Panda.

There are 3 perks of having Alzheimer

1. You can make new friends every day.
2. You can look for the Easter eggs you hid yourself.
3. You can make new friends every day.

The Perks of Being Rich

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!” That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, “He’s very rich. Marry him.” That’s Advertising....

I don't think most people realize that being Jewish grants you some perks...

Like free gas.

Perks of dating the woman with the longest fingernails

You can get a hand job and a back scratch with one hand.

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

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Superman was flying over metropolis and thought "Man, I am horny af."

Just then he saw Wonder Woman on top of a building getting a tan. Asshole naked with her legs spread wide open. Superman thought, " I can fly down there, get some of that Wonder pussy and fly away before she even knows." So he flies down, gets it in, gets off, and flies away. All in under a second. ...

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A juggler gets pulled over for speeding...

The cop approaches and asks “what’s your hurry?”

“Well”, explains the juggler, “I’m running late for a juggling performance”

The officer looks into the empty car, “I don’t see any juggling equipment... how do I know if I can believe you?”

The juggler perks up “well all my stuff...

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Tiger Wood and Bill Clinton are at the bar.

Bill has has a few drinks and decided to open up to Tiger. He says, Tiger your my oldest friend and I just have to ask. How do you keep your cock so long and hard. Tiger responds, it’s simple really. Before I sleep with a woman I smack my Dick on the bed post three times as hard as I can. Bill finds...

I pulled a sickie the other day

Just one of the perks of working in a hospital

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A man doesn't feel well and wants to call-in sick to work...

So he phones his boss and explains that he wants to take a sick day.

"Well," says the boss, "when I'm feeling under the weather I just ask my wife to give me a blowjob. Usually perks me right up! Why don't you try that?"

"Ok, I guess it's worth a shot" says the man.

About an hou...

I can get laid any time I want.

Of course, that's one of the perks of being a coroner.

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For the last time, NO! NO! NOOOO!

So, there's this man. He's young, healthy, reasonably attractive, good job, etc.

Only problem is, he has a 25 inch penis. This might might sound great if you're a 12 year old, but it soon becomes the bane of his existence. Every time he meets a nice lady, eventually things lead to the bedroom...

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Three Asian men die in a car accident on Easter Sunday.

They find themselves at the pearly gates, where Peter is at his receptionist desk awaiting them.

“Now, here’s the deal,” Peter says to them. “You three were not believers, so you are not allowed in here.” The men glance at each other, beginning to grow pale. “However, since it’s Easter, I’m w...

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A lot of people seem surprised when I tell them I regularly have sex with my boss

One of the many perks of self employment.

Upon arriving in hell, you’re surprised to find a clerk asking you “In which military would you like to serve?” Turns out Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Otto Von Bismarck overthrew Satan centuries ago and have been fighting each other ever since.

“Oh, that’s an easy one.”

The clerk looked at me, skeptical.
“You don’t even want to talk to a recruiter? They can tell you all about the perks of each side.”

“No thank you. I know Napoleon will never lose.”

“Well, that’s a pretty strong allegiance... sure you don’t want to ...

That's not a bowling ball, dad.

This weekend me and my dad were out bowling, you see. He gets his shoes on, and picks his ball from the rack. A nice, shiny, pinkish purple ball. He throws it down the lane, and we can't find it. The thing is gone. We look for at least an hour for this ball, but it's vanished. In the car on the way ...

Twenty thousand years into the future...

The astrobiology intern suddenly perks up at his station.
Intern: "Professor, we're receiving a periodic transmission from the direction of the Fr36 planetoids. I've converted the transmission into base 10 numerals and it keeps saying 14-5-22-5-18 7-15-14-14-1 7-9-22-5 25-15-21 21-16"
Professo...

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Inventor

So there is an inventor who is walking into a patent office, when he gets there he puts an apple on the table.

"I want to patent this" he said

The other guy looked at him, confused.

"I'm pretty sure you can't patent a normal apple, is this a joke?"

"Taste it," he said
...

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A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a beautiful woman.

He starts conversation with her and they really hit it off. He casually mentions how he's into really kinky sex. The woman perks up and with wide flirty eyes, says that she too is into kinky sex! She follows it up by saying they should go back to her place and see what happens.

They get to...

I know a well-off foot fetishist, who took up a gig at a potato chip factory in his spare time.

When I asked him why, he says he heard "something about Free Toe Lays being one of the perks".

Hannibal Lecter lived a long and healthy life

Eating organic really has its perks

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Hitler is chairing a Nazi economic meeting.

The Reich’s Commerce Minister is delivering a tremendously boring report on minerals, and Hitler is about to nod off. “We are mining too many ores that are useless to the war effort. We need to mine less,” the minister says.

The Reich’s Chief Engineer, who is a stickler for grammar, is irrita...

A man was driving at 96 mph in a 70 mph zone when a cop pulls him over. As the officer gets to the window he says "license and registration sir." And the man replies with "I don't have a license or registration. I'm just delivering these drugs in the back."

The police officer is dumbfounded and calls in for backup. The k-9 unit shows up along with at least 5 other cruisers and the police chief. After a lengthy searching from officers and their drug dogs, nothing is ever found. The chief walks over to the man and says "Son there aren't any drugs in this...

Dad Jokes

Dad jokes aren’t an affliction that happens to dads, they’re a way of life. No one should ever be ashamed of #dadjokes. Instead, if you are a father, you should be worried if you don’t know enough good dad jokes.

You know that old saying, “Where there’s a will there’s a way?” That’s a pretty ...

My son recently told me that he identifies as a woman

He’s planning on going through treatments to become a full blown woman.
I am 100% supportive of this and wish him the best with all of his decisions.

But, ever since he’s came out to me, I’ve noticed that people seem to not notice me.
It started small with people not seeing me and bu...

I think my wife was sleeping with my boss so I changed jobs to prevent that from happening...

One of the perks of being self-employed.

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A guy confesses to his psychiatrist that he's having trouble at work...

"What sort of trouble?" asks the shrink.

"I work in the production line at a pickle factory, and I know this is going to sound crazy, but lately I've been fantasizing about putting my penis into the pickle-slicer."

"My God, man!" the shrink exclaims. "You can't do that!"

"I know...

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Two guys are at a rooftop bar.

One guy says to the other “I bet you $100 I can jump off the roof and pop right back up.” The second guys says “yeah right, you’re on!” First guy walks over to the side, jumps off and then a couple seconds later, sure enough, here he comes back up onto the roof.

The second guy is both dumbstr...

Stop me if you've heard this one...

A high school decides to put on a reunion for the class of '98. Turnout is slow at first, but eventually the well known former students start to show up. There's student body president Leslie Pindogs and her kids, star quarterback Robert Course and his wife Molly, valedictorian Sandra Kevver and her...

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What Does Your Father Do?

It was 3rd grade show and tell in Ms.Johnson's class and she was going around asking all of the children what their fathers do for a living. Ms.Johnson walks up to the first kid and asks "What does your dad do for a living, Johnny?" to which he responds "He's a firefighter." "Very good, Johnny. What...

I've slept with every school teacher I've ever had.

Yep, home schooling has its perks.

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Ms. Dolores is reviewing the alphabet with her third-grade class...

One particular student, Johnny, is a troublemaker. He always looks for an opportunity to disrupt class and shock the teacher, and today is no different.

Ms. Dolores starts off with the letter "A". "OK, class, who knows a word that begins with 'A'?"

Johnny raises his hand before anyone ...

A gorgeous woman doing stand-up at a comedy club

....and she's not doing so well. It's not that her delivery or stage presence is bad. It's simply because she's using extremely tired and outdated material. To put it frankly, the audience was sick and tired of hearing the same damn jokes that had been told time after time on that stage.

Afte...

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During the Second World War ...

During the Second World War ...


In an attempt to show that the Nazis were not so bad, the German generals who took over the concentration camps decided to create a position where one of the Jewish prisoners would be named spokesman of all the prisoners and once a month would have oppor...

A man is sitting at a bar when he notices a turtle near the register. It is covered with bandages ....

and not moving. "So uh, what's the deal with the dead turtle?" he asks.
The barkeep perks up, "Dead? you say? I'll have you know that this is the fastest turtle on Earth!" "In fact, I have fifty dollars that say **this** turtle can beat **you** to the other side of the room!"

The man look...

A resignation letter to my boss

I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well and given me benefits beyond belief. Have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and then pay my estate one year salary death bonus and then continue to pay my spouse my ...

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead visit an old wishing well.

"What are you going to wish for?" the blonde asks the other two.

The brunette and the redhead ponder for a minute, rather ashamed that they didn't think of something beforehand. The redhead looks around for inspiration. When her gaze lingers on the well, she makes up her mind. She fishes a co...

What do you call the hair on a cows lip?

A Moo-stache.


> The perks of having too much free time in a call center.

Tithe Joke

Three religious leaders of the community, a priest, a rabbi, and an evangelical preacher are sitting around talking about how they run their finances.

The priest says, "At the end of the week, I make a line on the floor. Then I take all of the money out of the donation box, throw it in the ai...

A doctor, a lawyer, and a scientist are arguing about whether it's better to have a husband or a boyfriend....

The doctor says, "A husband is better for the kids and for your mental health. More stability." The lawyer says, "No, a boyfriend is better because a husband can leave and take half your stuff, plus alimony." Then the scientist perks up and says, "It's better to have both." The doctor and lawyer are...

Thor, upon his mighty steed, approaches his enemy, Thanos. Thanos asks "Who might you be?"

"I AM THORRRR!!!"

His horse perks up and says "Well, then wear a thaddle thilly."

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My friend just landed a boob job

the perks are great

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A man is on his way into a bar when he spots a nun standing outside looking very confused...

The nun keeps looking up at the sign and trying to peer in through the windows. The man walks up and asks, "Is everything ok, sister? May I help you?"

Puzzled, the nun replies, "I was just trying to figure out... What is this place? What's a 'bar'?"

The man chuckles and says, "You'v...

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The Arabian Prince and the Camel.

A newly pronounced Arabian prince had just married his beautiful wife and has lived a content, but unfulfilled life. He has had sex with his beautiful wife almost everyday, up until he wanted to become a real man and do a right of passage.

He decides to go on a journey with the Camel Journey...

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A salesman finally retires and moves far away...

....from everyone in the middle of Alaska. After 6 months of blissful solitude he hears a knock on his front door. He answers to a burly bearded man wearing overalls.

"My name's Lars, yer nearest neighbor a few miles down the road. I wanted to invite you to a party I'm having this weekend." <...

The wooly miner

A wealthy couple's anniversary is coming up and the wife is having a hard time finding a present for her husband because he already has everything he has ever wanted.

So she's walking down the street and decides to go into a pet store in search of a suitable present. After looking around for ...

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Putin is holding a press conference

This is Russian joke.

Putin is holding a press conference to see what problems in Russia need fixing.

An old man walks up to the mic and says "Mr. President, we are so poor, we cannot afford to eat, every night my wife and I go hungry. Can you fix this?"

Putin says "I'm sorry, I...

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A guy down on his luck walks into a bar and is given a magic lamp...

A sobbing man walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and sheepishly asks for a double scotch neat. He's on his 3rd glass of scotch when he notices a tiny man playing a piano in the corner of the bar. He thinks he's drunk so he shakes it off and starts telling the bartender how his wife just lef...

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Old man and woman sitting in a nursing home

So these two older folks are sitting in their nursing home playing a game of checkers. Nothing interesting is happening until the old man remembers something, perks up and says to the woman: "Hey, guess what?"

"What" says the woman with a wry smile

"Today is my birthday!!" the old man ...

A magic show...

Two friends, Bob and Hank, are watching a magician perform. Mildly amused by the standard tricks and illusions they have seen so far, their attention perks up when they see the beautiful assistant come out from behind the curtain for the “saw the lady in half” trick. As she is climbing into the box,...

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A man comes home from the bar with a black eye.

Seeing her husband's injury, his wife asks, "what happened to you?"

"I was hit by a woman at the bar." Seeing his wife's face start to turn angry, he quickly adds, "I was just being polite. I was sitting there, quietly enjoying my drink, when I noticed the young lady sitting next to me had he...

A married pair of Biologists are camping in China...

And after a long day of cataloging the various flora and fauna, they get down to a little love making...

When suddenly, the man feels an ungodly pressure in his stomach. He leaves hastily to the woods to find a suitable place to relieve himself, leaving his wife alone in the tent.

Outs...

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