This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve just discovered that the kids next door stole my credit card to pay for their Mom’s boob job

Just wait till I get my hands on them!

My local church had troubles getting their insurance to pay for the lightning damage

The insurance claimed it was deliberate damage by the owner.

I hate to see my wife pay for anything.

That’s why I stay in the car.

How does Zorro pay for his groceries at the self-service checkout?

On card!

My roofer was so kind, he told me that I didn't need to pay for his services!

He said its on the house.

I don't understand why people pay for things with exact dollar amounts...

... It makes no cents.

How much money does a pirate pay for corn

A buccaneer

I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism...

If I don't pay it back I'm going to get repossessed

I’m a recovering kleptomaniac looking to open up my restaurant later this year. Got a job yesterday and used my earnings to pay for a Chinese cooking pan.

It ain’t much, but it’s honest wok.

What does Claude leave when he has no Monet to pay for his coffee?

A bad impression.

Did Jesus use cash or credit to pay for our sins?

No he used praypal

A man took out a loan to pay for an exorcist...

However he couldn’t make the repayments so the house was repossessed.

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Angry neighbour "You slept with my wife, I am going to make you pay for that!"

Man: Bullshit, why should I pay twice.

What did dinosaurs prefer to use to pay for their purchases?

Obviously tyrannosaurus cheques.

A real man should not be watching his girl pay for anything

That’s why I stand outside

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?

Nothing.... it was on the house.

Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition he gets to install windows.

How do you pay for coffee in Russia?

With tsar bucks.

A husband and wife at the store realize they’re just a few dollars short to pay for the groceries.

So they decide to remove the bread from their cart. The wife notices no one is looking and shoves the bread in her purse. They pay for the groceries and as they walk out of the store the alarm goes off. Immediately the cops come and search only to find the stolen loaf of bread in the woman’s purse. ...

A Duck with two broken wings walks into a bar and orders a big take out of beer and wine. The Barman, puzzled, said " How are supposed to carry this load and pay for it ? " The Duck said..

...Put them on my Bill.

Why couldn't Anakin Skywalker pay for dinner?

Because his master card got denied.

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Why did the Alabama family pay for their daughter’s butt implants?

It was a decision they could all get behind

I'm okay with my wife selling her body to pay for college.

But I don't know why she needs three PhDs

My girlfriend told me she wanted to get an abortion, and asked me to give her $50 to help pay for it.

About an hour later, she came back home with a copy of Warcraft 3: Reforged.

How much does a settler in the Old West have to pay for corn?

$3.14 an ear.

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Trump is doing everything in his power to make Mexico pay for the wall

By acting so batshit crazy they want to build the wall themselves for protection

Mr. Zuckerberg how do you sustain a business model in which users don’t pay for your services?

Zuckerberg: “1010011010”.......Ahem

Zuckerberg: “Senator, we run ads”

Someone Stole My Microsoft Office and They're Going To Pay For It,

You Have My Word.

My son didn’t expect me to pay for his share of the prom night limo rental, but he asked me anyway

It was a bit of a stretch

I just found out sperm banks pay for your sample....

To think I've let all that money slip through my fingers.

How do meth addicts pay for their habit?

The tooth fairy.

Everytime I go out to dinner, I pay for someone else's meal too. Some call it charity...

But that's not my wife's name.

I read the other day that Penn State has spent $237 million defending the university during the Sandusky lawsuit. Think of how many peoples’ education that would pay for.

At least 4 or 5.

Since Mexico won’t pay for the wall

Americans will have to Putin their own money

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How much would you pay for a prostitute?

A married couple down on their luck decides to make a few extra bucks by reluctantly having the wife work the corner. After the first day the husband picks her up and asks "how did you do?".
She says, "I did pretty well, I made $200.50".
He asks, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?"
and she...

Trump legalizes marijuana to pay for the wall with the tax revenues.

This really stirred the pot.

How to pay for your mistakes?

Buy eraser

The Elder Gods don't pay for cable TV, HBO, or FiOS...

They have Cth-Hulu

How did the Australian pay for his new chess set?

Cheque, mate.

How do vampires pay for things?


I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore

these are some dark times.

What kind of bread can pay for itself?

A Bank Roll

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries, the cashier said...

the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my local MP about this running amok,over-enthusiastic security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed....
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referrin...

I once tried to pay for my food at Hooters with an energy drink...

Apparently Red Bull doesn’t give you wings.

A poor man is wrongly accused of murder. He doesn't have the money to pay for an attorney, but he does have a friend who just recently received his lawyer's license.

The lawyer gave him a free trial.

A guy comes to the shops counter to pay for a pack of condoms

Vendor: you want a bag with that?

Guy: No thanks, she is not that ugly

So my best friend tells me he wants to become a woman, but he doesn't want to pay for surgery

He asked for my help in pulling it off.

If Mexico is paying for the wall and China paying for the tariffs

Can somebody pay for my bills?

What does an alien use to pay for coffee?


How much does a baker on the Oregon Trail pay for piercings?

A pie an ear.

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How much do Cockneys pay for shampoo?


I asked my dying father if he could pay for his expensive gravestone in advance before he died.

He replied, "Over my dead body."

How does Germany pay for all these refugees?


How did the artist with the trust fund pay for all his supplies?

With the money he got from his dada.

Where do shapes go to pay for their crimes?

A prism.

I decided to pay for my wife's overbite correction surgery.

Maybe now she can finally shut her mouth.

I got a set of false teeth put in but couldn't pay for them, so now I have to help out at the dentist's office

I guess that makes me an indentured servant

When I went to pay for my items in a spiritualist shop I noticed a sign saying 'Queue on the other side'.

So I killed myself.

How does the Head of the Vatican pay for his items online?

By using his Papal account.

Equal pay for women is not where it needs to be.

Whatever Beyonce is making, I want that.

Twitter @caredee

Who's Going to Pay For the Wall?


What does the smart restaurant do when a customer can't pay for their meal?

Make them wait for it

Her dad: You slept with my daughter? You are gonna pay for that!

Me: I definetly won't pay twice...

[Pelican family pay for meal with $100 notes]

WAITER: Don't any of you guys have smaller bills?

PA PELICAN: \[Dignified\] We're as God made us, Sir

Can we start a national walkout for old people who try to pay for things with the exact amount of coins?

I've been waiting for change for too long.

I once tried to pay for something with an 18-year-old piece of chicken.

When the cashier said, "sir, we can't accept this",

I said, "why? It's legal tender."

What do you call Doritos you don't have to pay for?


My frugal neighbor doesn't want to pay for an electrician to re-wire his house so he's going to try and do it himself. "How hard can it be?" he said.

I think he's in for a shock.

Guy asks a friend:" How much will you pay for my wife?

Friend replies in disgust: " NOTHING"
Guy replies" It's settled then. Come pick it up at 6"

How do attractive men pay for things?

They handsome money to the cashier

You Get What You Pay For

A woman went out to her yard one morning and found her dog just laying there, not moving at all. She thought it might be dead, but since it was a basset hound and never moved much anyway, she wanted to be sure... after all, she didn't want to bury it and then find out it wasn't dead. So she took it ...

What do taxidermists say when you don't have enough money to pay for a whole duck?

"I'll send you the bill"

I had to pay for everything when I went out with a couple classical musicians

they were completely baroque.

I don't believe in paying for STD testing

I just tell my partners it really burns when I pee and they pay for it

I told my parents that they should pay for my health insurance

As they are the main contributers to my health issues.

Trump didn't lie when he said Mexico was going to pay for the wall...

by securing his win, Mexico will start building to keep the Americans out of their country.

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