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Pay For Jokes

How much does Santa pay for parking?

Nothing.

It’s on the house.

Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition he gets to install windows.

I can't afford to pay for electricity anymore...

these are some dark times.

Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia on a Mastercard?

Because his Visa didn't work!

Why does Walter White never pay for pizza?

It's always on the house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why didn't the Jew pay for his coffee?

Because Hebrew it himself.

Did Jesus pay for our sins with cash or credit?

He used praypal.

A man tries to pay for lunch with coins made of flatbread

Waiter tells him they won't take his naan cents

Did you hear about the guy who couldn't pay for his exorcism?

He got repossessed.

How did Russian emperors pay for their coffee?

Tsarbucks

how much do pirates pay for ear piercings?

A buccaneer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember once my dad gave me money to pay for the electricity bill

but instead I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I had done and he beat the crap out of me.

But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside our house was a brand new car.

We all cried especially me, because the ca...

How much did the pirate pay for his feather earrings?

A buck-an-ear

I just found out sperm banks pay for your sample....

To think I've let all that money slip through my fingers.

You know you’re getting old when if a lady wants you to pay for her “implants.”

She means “dental” implants.

How much do pirates pay for corn?

A buccaneer.



Nah, just kidding... they just steal it.

How do dentists pay for their lawyers?

Retainers

How does a pirate pay for something without money?

With a little booty

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know, if you can't afford to pay for food,

Then you really can't pay for shit.

My local church had troubles getting their insurance to pay for the lightning damage

The insurance claimed it was deliberate damage by the owner.

How did the Australian pay for his new chess set?

Cheque, mate.

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

I had to get a loan to pay for an Exorcism

They said if i didn't pay it back on time i'd be repossessed

If Mexico is paying for the wall and China paying for the tariffs

Can somebody pay for my bills?

Why did the tourist pay for everything with their green card?

Because they never got their Visa.

Why is it so hard to make a schizophrenic pay for private therapy?

BECAUSE THEY CAN'T MANAGE THEIR INVOICES.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A manager goes to pay for the stay of an employee at the hotel

A manager goes to pay for the stay of an employee at a hotel.

\- All right, it will be 70 euros for the stay, said the receptionist.

\- Very well, here is the money, answered the manager.

\- Uhm, actually your employee also used our mini bar which will be another 50 euros.
...

I hate to see my wife pay for anything.

That’s why I stay in the car.

I gave my Landlord an ear job to pay for rent this month.

I've got to say it wasn't as bad as it sounds.

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How much would you pay for a prostitute?

A married couple down on their luck decides to make a few extra bucks by reluctantly having the wife work the corner. After the first day the husband picks her up and asks "how did you do?".
She says, "I did pretty well, I made $200.50".
He asks, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?"
and she...

How do you pay for coffee in space?

With star bucks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was incredibly mad when she found out I have been visiting prostitutes for sex

I said “Well you can hardly blame me, it’s not like I was getting any from you!”

She yelled, “But I didn’t know you were willing to pay for it!”

How does Zorro pay for his groceries at the self-service checkout?

On card!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Angry neighbour "You slept with my wife, I am going to make you pay for that!"

Man: Bullshit, why should I pay twice.

Why couldn't Anakin pay for dinner?

His Master card was denied.

Mr. Zuckerberg how do you sustain a business model in which users don’t pay for your services?

Zuckerberg: “1010011010”.......Ahem

Zuckerberg: “Senator, we run ads”

A man took out a loan to pay for an exorcist...

However he couldn’t make the repayments so the house was repossessed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tattoo artist went to a coffee place and ordered coffee but forgot his wallet...

so he tells the woman at the counter that he can't pay for it. The woman gets angry at first and then asks "What can we do about this situation?" The tattoo artist says "Well I can give you a tattoo for free instead and we can call it even". The woman thinks for a while, reluctantly agrees to it and...

Since Mexico won’t pay for the wall

Americans will have to Putin their own money

Where do shapes go to pay for their crimes?

A prism.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump is doing everything in his power to make Mexico pay for the wall

By acting so batshit crazy they want to build the wall themselves for protection

What did dinosaurs prefer to use to pay for their purchases?

Obviously tyrannosaurus cheques.

How to pay for your mistakes?

Buy eraser

How do vampires pay for things?

Crypt-currency.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve just discovered that the kids next door stole my credit card to pay for their Mom’s boob job

Just wait till I get my hands on them!

Paying for education by purchasing lottery tickets, reminds me about How Americans pay for Health Care...

*By purchasing a financial product that is often viewed as gambling.*

At least the odds you get sick/hurt are higher than the lottery

When is it legal to trick people to go into massive debt to pay for a useless thing with no refund?

When you're selling a bachelor degree in sophistry.

How do attractive men pay for things?

They handsome money to the cashier

How do meth addicts pay for their habit?

The tooth fairy.

You Get What You Pay For

A woman went out to her yard one morning and found her dog just laying there, not moving at all. She thought it might be dead, but since it was a basset hound and never moved much anyway, she wanted to be sure... after all, she didn't want to bury it and then find out it wasn't dead. So she took it ...

What is the official motto of men who pay for egirls?

Simper Fi.

How do you get an art major off your front porch?

Pay for the pizza!

Did you hear about the guy who had such a gambling problem, he sold every single body part to pay for it?

He should have quit while he was still a head.

What does Claude leave when he has no Monet to pay for his coffee?

A bad impression.

How does the Pope pay for things online?

Papal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How much do Cockneys pay for shampoo?

Pantene

What kind of bread can pay for itself?

A Bank Roll

Who's Going to Pay For the Wall?

Mexico
Mexic
Mexi
Mex
Me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the Alabama family pay for their daughter’s butt implants?

It was a decision they could all get behind

I'm okay with my wife selling her body to pay for college.

But I don't know why she needs three PhDs

Trump legalizes marijuana to pay for the wall with the tax revenues.

This really stirred the pot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”


“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR SINS!

If you have already paid, please disregard this message.

How does Telashi 6ix9ine pay for his items at Walmart?

He puts them on Trey-a-Way

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