My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer

I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

A book fell on my head

I can only blame myshelf

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I was trying to convince my therapist that I don't hear voices in my head.

Eventually she pointed out that I don't have a therapist.

I have green skin, a nose three times the size of the horn on my head, four brown teeth and my neck is covered in furry scales... what am I?

Ugly!

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

It's true, I received a second degree sunburn on my head!

No cap

If a guy holds a gun to my head and tells me to name a WNBA player

I'll just say a random name because even he doesn't know their names.

I woke up this morning and couldn’t move my head.

I called the doctor, explaining what was going on and asked for an appointment.

After a few moments the doctor responded: “I can see ya neck’s weak...”


“Haven’t you got anything sooner?!”

I've had both eyes sown to the back of my head.

Never look forward.

After I hit my head really hard, I swore.

I guess I was con-cussing.

Aeroplane jokes tend to go right over my head.

But submarine jokes are beneath me.

I've been trained to apply something to my head after shampoo...

It's classical conditioning.

Sometimes I put my head in between my both my legs and lean forward...

...because that's how I roll

My wife said that the next time she sees me browsing Reddit, she'll smash my head against the keyboard

Hehdjeiwnbxkakanbciejsnakxc

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I think i pissed off the voices in my head.

They are giving me the silent treatment.

A bucket of paint almost fell on my head

I nearly dyed

Recently became a dad and now these are popping in my head: What is it called when you are made fun of in a dream?

Sleep Deprecation

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Still scratching my head in confusion, trying to understand why was I thrown out of the interview room???

My answer was spot on, upon being asked to give an example on a "Business being completely ruined due to carelessness"
All I said was... "A Pregnant Prostitute"

I was walking down the street and from a window a pot of herbs fell on my head...

Im alright, it wasn't a big dill

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The voices in my head are ok, I can deal with them…

It’s the voices outside my head that bother me and fuck my life up…

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A bird shit on my head the other day

I'm just grateful that cows don't fly.

I had to stop using my head torch.

It made me light-headed

I've come to appreciate having a roof above my head.

I'm a ceiling fan.

The voices in my head may not be real,

but they have some good ideas!

I was walking home and somebody threw a block of cheese at my head

It wasn't very mature.

A crazy man put a gun to my head and told me if I don't break the world record for the tallest filet mignon tower he would kill me and my family.

The steaks have never been higher.

Here I am, scratching my head,

trying to solve this lice problem

My girlfriend just did a #2 on my head

I used to have the guy down the street do it, but it wasn't considered a "critical service".

My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.

But I think she's JockingFsss475241HHHNM,GDSADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrrEEEEEEEEEECHHHHHHHHHHHHII003333454587111,KUJYTFB""""3u8ol;[45668kbnt72111vb ki90l.YJNMLGDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/

Somebody whacked my head with a telescope today

I was seeing stars

A friend introduced me to this beautiful lady. Trying to impress, witty me sang a song with her name as the title that just came on top of my head.

I must say, Roxanne was not impressed when I told her she didn’t have to put on the red light.

I have Backstreet Boys stuck in my head.

Tell me whyeie

My mom said if I stayed up late then she'd bash my head against my keyboard again

I'm old enough to stay awake for as long as I damn pleahfjjsjjchfigjbrbrje d ffhfhfnfbfbrbrbrdjdjfufhfhdhdbdbrvtjtkykumhkfieuegdgajks38rjbfbfbdejjejekdfnjf

My head chef had his 10 year anniversary in work today. I put some salt and pepper on him.

He's a seasoned professional

Broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.

Since then I've never looked back.

What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?

That would be soda pressing.

My best friend just placed an orange-flavored soda on my head

I think she has a Crush on me

I went to the doctor because I’ve had the Pawn Stars theme stuck in my head for two weeks

He said he’d have to call in a buddy of his who was an expert on those sorts of things

(But seriously please help me I’m going insane)

Woke up with Elton John’s Rocket Man stuck in my head, hope it leaves soon

But I think it’s gonna be a long long time

Last night I shaved my head, and my wife has been rubbing my scalp all morning.

Tonight I'm shaving my crotch.

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I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs.

I couldn't help thinking,

'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'

When I see Donald Trump I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax.

Bush wasn’t that bad.

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices in my head.

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

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When my mum was in labour, my head got stuck in her vagina and the midwife had to pull it out...

Thing is, I was just really excited to meet my new baby brother.

People say the back of my head looks really nice

But I don't see it

When I met my wife, I felt like my heart was going to jump out chest, my head was spinning, and I couldn't think straight, the only thing I could think was...

... "That's the prettiest doctor I've ever seen, I'll ask her out if she's able to save me."

I was super worried, but then someone shoved dough, cheese and sauce into my head.

Now I have pizza mind.

Before difficult descisions I like to consult both my head and my heart.

Although my head tells me to make rational and educated descisions, my heart tells me that I need to exercise more.

Everyone laughed when I put pictures of my head on all of my clocks.

I guess I'm just ahead of my time.

Woah, Today My Head ‘Fell Asleep’ Like Your Arms & Legs Do Sometimes

It was mind numbing.

I thought I had a great idea to get 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' out of my head

But then away it went away it went away it went away it went

I tripped and hit my head on a snare drum.

I think I have a percussion.

My wife found me in the kitchen in the middle of the night, naked, with a pot on my head and a gun in my hand...

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I...

I fell down and hit my head pretty hard but I’m fine...

The only thing is I lost hearing in my right eye.

Someone threw some Omega 3 tablets at my head the other day

I'm ok though, my injuries were only super fish oil

*I'll see myself out*

An awful joke that popped into my head

What do you give a dog that graduates from university?

A pedigree

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My therapist says I should stop talking to the voices in my head.

But my wife says I don’t have a therapist.

The clock makes my head itch.

First it goes tick, then there's the itch, and the tock removes it.

And it repeats on and on.

Before I could take a drink of my milk, my dad snatched the glass from in front of me, held it just to the side of my head and slowly moved it from one side of my face to the other. “There, it’s safe to drink now”, he said....

It’s been “past your eyes”

He’s been gone for almost 20 years, and I still remember the dad jokes like they were perfectly executed yesterday.

I like the voices in my head like I like my dads

Always there, never to lea— SHUT UP DAVE!

I asked the voice in my head, "Do you think we're schizophrenic?"

It said, "Really? Come on, man. What are the chances we're *both* schizophrenic?"

Some bloke just said he's going to smash my head in with the neck of a guitar

I said "is that a fret?"

I am having trouble sleeping. My head keeps on playing sounds of a luxurious car.

I think I am having Auditory hallucinations.

My mom said she will smash my head against my keyboard if i dont get off my computer.

Well guess what? Im not going to getododkdjfjjdajndjxixushsbbduxuhha

When I was younger I couldn’t wrap my head around infinite sums

But now it all adds up

My father told me that he is going to smash my head into the keyboard if I log into reddit again.

He just went out and I just can't stand not knowing what is on the front page. I will just log in and then log oudhbebsuus ehdbdhdhhdjr ejjeuududjbd eksomsnqbssicuu dbsujdbdjsjsjdf jsisjskjdhduxbskksi iejdjdnn jdjdjxjjss

I had the term "apropos of nothing" stuck in my head and I didn't know what it meant.

Apparently it wasn't relevant.

I had a turntable fall on my head a couple years ago.

But I'm perfectly fine, perfectly fine, perfectly fine.

The voice inside my head must be a woman

cause she never stops talking!

I like it when jokes go over my head

Because I really don't like getting hit in the face

Hit my head opening the washing machine this morning

Bosch

My head hasn't been in the right place lately

Last night I tried to hang myself but I got my foot stuck in the noose

I’m going to tattoo a row of rabbits running away on the top of my head.

That way if I go bald everyone can see my receding hare line.

My friend wanted to shoot an apple off my head but I was scared. He said "don't be chicken!"

So I ducked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thought all these voices in my head meant I was crazy, but one of them is a therapist.

And he says I'm fine.

Whenever I’m stressed, I lay my head on my keyboard and scream.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

My wife threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at my head

Don't worry though, my wounds were just super-fish-oil

I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it

Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it "Go Fly!"
but it didnt fly.
Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings

The air hostess has just told me if I don’t put my phone away, she’s going to slam my head into it.

But I’m pretty sure she’s just jokiNjdk$48(‘$76)?;;

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TIL that my Head & Shoulders shampoo's proven HydraZinc formula fights dandruff from the first wash, removing visible flakes and residues, relieving dryness and tight scalp, and leaving my hair smelling great.

I also learned not to forget my phone when I take a shit

I can put both of my legs behind my head.

Y'know, not to toot my own horn or anything.

I'm going to bang my head into the wall repeatedly. Is that okay?

Sure, kid. Knock yourself out.

I made up a color in my head today.

It was a pigment of my imagination.

My mate threw a beer bottle at my head

It didn’t break the skin but it left a nasty Brews

I have this 90s pop ballad stuck in my head.

It’s been seven hours and fifteen days.

I crouch down, tuck my head.

That’s how I roll.

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head.

Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

I once fell down 2 flights of stairs and hit my head

I quickly realized it was a dream when I woke up safely in my hospital bed.

My head teacher started her assembly by saying "it came to my attention yesterday"

I really don't like being called "it"

My mom said if I don't stop using reddit she will bang my head on keyboard

But I know she will never do that because she loves medssxcvnklkjfsaarfscnnlknvdgjjbcfggukkfrhhvvvrrjbzddsazvbdwjjhguoiufde

A great big bird with a long neck strapped me into a chair and put a gun to my head.

I guess you could say I was held ostrich.

When I was a kid the school bully used to rub my head against some sandpaper

I was no match for him

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