UPJOKE
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My Head Jokes

Yo momma so fat, I pictured her in my head

And she broke my neck.

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

A book fell on my head today

I only have my shelf to blame

My wife told me she'd slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.

Don't worry guys, i think she's jokinejkodoworkfjcjkskoe394oo2oc2i2fkf2uu3ug25r2u

My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework, she's gonna slam my head on the keyboard.

But I don’t give a fuskhhkxkhdkhhskhd

I was walking home and somebody threw a mayonnaise jar at my head

I turned round and shouted What the hell man

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices in my head.

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

my wife told me she would bang my head into my keyboard If I don't stop playing.

I think she was just nrftgiureenhubykgvybunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnbbhnjmk,m njkk,ml,mbuobkghljijnhb mblkbnb hhljnwoerboughfwbebrfhjtjhrbkbhjy y tn n66 nt t6nfm tykm knmtntmkcnk yn ynkmmnkyg

My wife found me in the kitchen in the middle of the night, naked, with a pot on my head and a gun in my hand...

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I...

Me and my wife got into an argument once so she smashed a glass coke bottle over my head

Thank God it was a soft drink

Someone threw some Omega 3 tablets at my head the other day

I'm ok though, my injuries were only super fish oil

*I'll see myself out*

My mom said if I stayed up late then she'd bash my head against my keyboard again

I'm old enough to stay awake for as long as I damn pleahfjjsjjchfigjbrbrje d ffhfhfnfbfbrbrbrdjdjfufhfhdhdbdbrvtjtkykumhkfieuegdgajks38rjbfbfbdejjejekdfnjf

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I was trying to convince my therapist that I don't hear voices in my head.

Eventually she pointed out that I don't have a therapist.

The song “Jungle Love” is stuck in my head.

It’s driving me mad.
It’s making me crazy.

Sometimes I put my head in between my both my legs and lean forward...

...because that's how I roll

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A voice in the back of my head keeps telling me...

That the doctor's fucked up my mouth surgery.

A blacksmith said to his new helper, "You see this piece of iron? When I nod my head, you hit it as hard as you can with your hammer."

Those were his last words.

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I asked my wife for some head

I asked my wife for some head.
She replied, “sure, I’m guessing you want some bootie with that too?”
I nodded excitedly but then felt a harsh impact to my head and fell to the floor in a flash of pain.
“Why did you do that?” I asked angrily.
She replied, “headbutt.”

The girl who sat behind me in 7th grade math class loved to pour orange soda on my head

Only looking back now, do I realize she had a Crush on me.

Aeroplane jokes tend to go right over my head.

But submarine jokes are beneath me.

My girlfriend just did a #2 on my head

I used to have the guy down the street do it, but it wasn't considered a "critical service".

Every time I'm at the circus, insects keep keep buzzing around my head whispering the future to me.

Time flies when you're having fun.

Today I watched Spongebob Squarepants while standing on my head

It was a pineapple upside down cake day

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

After I hit my head really hard, I swore.

I guess I was con-cussing.

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie. Delighted, the genie says, "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out, "I want a billion dollars." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,003.50.

The second man thinks for a bit, then says, "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net wor...

A bucket of paint almost fell on my head

I nearly dyed

The voices in my head may not be real,

but they have some good ideas!

My head hurts…

Doctor: why does your head hurts?

Patient: a bunch of books fell on my head yesterday…

Doctor: how did that happen?

Patient: I only have my shelf to blame…

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I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs.

I couldn't help thinking,

'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'

I had to stop using my head torch.

It made me light-headed

I woke up this morning and couldn’t move my head.

I called the doctor, explaining what was going on and asked for an appointment.

After a few moments the doctor responded: “I can see ya neck’s weak...”


“Haven’t you got anything sooner?!”

Somebody whacked my head with a telescope today

I was seeing stars

My best friend just placed an orange-flavored soda on my head

I think she has a Crush on me

I made up a color in my head today.

It was a pigment of my imagination.

I've been trained to apply something to my head after shampoo...

It's classical conditioning.

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were talking about how horrible their lives are...

The cucumber says, "my life sucks. I get left in the garden until I'm huge. Then cut into pieces and put in a salad." The pickle says, "That's nothing! I get to sit in a jar with vinegar till I get swollen. Then I get eaten." The penis laughs and says, " When I get huge, they throw a bag over my hea...

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I think i pissed off the voices in my head.

They are giving me the silent treatment.

A plant fell on my head...

I'm alright though, it was no big dill.

I just can't fit an upside boat on my head, and I just don't know why...

...it was clearly capsized

The clock makes my head itch.

First it goes tick, then there's the itch, and the tock removes it.

And it repeats on and on.

My wife said that the next time she sees me browsing Reddit, she'll smash my head against the keyboard

Hehdjeiwnbxkakanbciejsnakxc

An awful joke that popped into my head

What do you give a dog that graduates from university?

A pedigree

I hung my head as I sat in a fetal position on the floor, trying to choke back the tears.

I hung my head as I sat in a fetal position on the floor, trying to choke back the tears.
"Are you okay?" She asked.
I couldn't speak. I'd done some crazy things in my life, but this time I had sunk to a new low. I still shuddered inside at the thought of what had just happened.
"You knew...

Last night I shaved my head, and my wife has been rubbing my scalp all morning.

Tonight I'm shaving my crotch.

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The voices in my head are ok, I can deal with them…

It’s the voices outside my head that bother me and fuck my life up…

My mate threw a beer bottle at my head

It didn’t break the skin but it left a nasty Brews

I tripped and hit my head on a snare drum.

I think I have a percussion.

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My therapist says I should stop talking to the voices in my head.

But my wife says I don’t have a therapist.

Before difficult descisions I like to consult both my head and my heart.

Although my head tells me to make rational and educated descisions, my heart tells me that I need to exercise more.

Who runs Mexican Amazon?

Jeff Pesos

It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it h...

I can put both of my legs behind my head.

Y'know, not to toot my own horn or anything.

What do you call a dragon without its silver?

Dr\_ \_on

It's a stupid science joke that lives in my head rent free.

People say the back of my head looks really nice

But I don't see it

Everyone laughed when I put pictures of my head on all of my clocks.

I guess I'm just ahead of my time.

I crouch down, tuck my head.

That’s how I roll.

When I see Donald Trump I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax.

Bush wasn’t that bad.

I asked the voice in my head, "Do you think we're schizophrenic?"

It said, "Really? Come on, man. What are the chances we're *both* schizophrenic?"

My head hasn't been in the right place lately

Last night I tried to hang myself but I got my foot stuck in the noose

The voice inside my head must be a woman

cause she never stops talking!

I like it when jokes go over my head

Because I really don't like getting hit in the face

I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it

Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it "Go Fly!"
but it didnt fly.
Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings

Whenever I’m stressed, I lay my head on my keyboard and scream.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I was walking down the street and from a window a pot of herbs fell on my head...

Im alright, it wasn't a big dill

Woah, Today My Head ‘Fell Asleep’ Like Your Arms & Legs Do Sometimes

It was mind numbing.

I fell down and hit my head pretty hard but I’m fine...

The only thing is I lost hearing in my right eye.

I hear voices in my head sometimes.

I just ignore them and keep killing people.

This just popped in my head...

What's a mexican's favorite Disney movie?

Mow lawn.

Sorry.

Broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.

Since then I've never looked back.

Only Time I Use My Head

An elderly lady and an orthopedic surgeon were travelling in an elevator together. The doors started to shut as the lady was trying to get out of the doors. The surgeon kindly put his head in between the doors so the lady could get out.

"Thank you very much," said the lady, "but why did you ...

Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...

I really like having a roof over my head.

I guess you could say I'm a ceiling fan.

I was super worried, but then someone shoved dough, cheese and sauce into my head.

Now I have pizza mind.

Woke up with Elton John’s Rocket Man stuck in my head, hope it leaves soon

But I think it’s gonna be a long long time

I have this 90s pop ballad stuck in my head.

It’s been seven hours and fifteen days.

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