What do you call a queen ant who spends sooo much money to get another ladypart just so she could lay eggs twice as fast?

Extravagant

Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money l make

Now they call poor and ugly.

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Why do Catholics make so much money with stocks and cryptocurrency?

Because they have perfected when to pull out.

Why wife gets mad because I donate so much money every week to help support single moms.

She says I'm just using it as an excuse to go to the strip club

I once asked an affluent French baker how he'd managed to make so much money making bread. His answer:

Success baguettes success.

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Whiskas (the cat food company) are missing out on so much money

They can just start producing sex toys and they don't even have to change their slogan

"Your cat is going to love Whiskas"

How much money do you think an ATM have inside it?

80M because it's 80M

How much money does a pirate pay for corn

A buccaneer

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A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

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How much money would I need to be comfortable

to jerk off in public?

It's either billions of dollars or no dollars.

My parents didn't have much money when I was young. One Christmas my mates all got new consoles but I just got a bat and ball.

To be fair the ball was alright. The bat was useless though - it just hung upside in my wardrobe all day.

Two hobos get together at the end of the day to see how much money they have.

Hobo 1: "I only have 1 dollar, what are we going to do?"

Hobo 2: " I have nothing. Okay, let's buy a Bologna sausage and then go to a bar, I have an idea."

So they buy a bologna sausage and go to a bar and drink a couple of beers on the tab. They have a great time, but it's getting qui...

“If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher," and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"

“One quarter." answered little Johnny.

“You don't know your arithmetic!" snapped the teacher shaking her head.

Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my dad!"

All the major casinos are complaining about how much money they’ve lost.

Now they know how we feel

The reason Saudi Arabia has so much money, is not because of the oil...

It's because they wouldn't let their women spend it.

I spent so much money on this belt, but it doesn't fit

What a waist

My friend asked me how much money it'd take to sleep with the person I hate the most

I had to remind them that Jeffrey Epstein is dead.

A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

I can't believe I pay so much money per year for toilet paper

It's a total rip-off.

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I was sitting here wondering "What kind of prostitute makes that much money in 5 years??"

And then I remembered, "Oh, right, a politician."

The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting.

They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.

If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her funeral

She'd be spinning in her ditch

Why don't gymnasts make much money as actors?

They normally perform non-speaking rolls

I saw a guy at the flower store. He was trying to pick the perfect bouquet for his wife. He said “It’s crazy how much money you gotta spend on something that’s just going to die.”

I said “I know... And you gotta buy them flowers...”

A guy is complaining about how much money his wife spends.

"Yesterday she asked for $100. The day before for $50. The day before that for $200. It never ends."
"Wow" said his friend. "What does she spend it on?"
"Oh. I never give her any."

Teacher: If I gave you a dollar and your father gave you a dollar how much money would you have?

Me: 1 dollar

Teacher: You clearly don't know your arithmetic

Me: You clearly don't know my father

My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

A guy's been spending too much money lately...

Looks like he has a debtwish.

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Why do fertility doctors make so much money?

Because sex cells.

How much money does Mariah Carey make every Christmas?

More than you could ever know

Betsy: If you have $2, and you ask your father for $4, how much money will you have?

Billy: Two dollars.
Betsy: You don't know your math.
Billy: You don't know my father.

If you had your social security number in exact dollars how much money would you have?

I'd have 314,159,265

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The Nazis really wasted so much money and effort on a racist motive which made no sense

It truly was a hollow cost

Why does Data the android cost Starfleet so much money?

Because Data is enterprise hardware.

After installing a personal budget control app, I saw how much money I spend on beer every month. This opened my eyes. Clearly, I shouldn't do this anymore.

I deleted the app.

Why does the Catholic Church have so much money?

Because Jesus saves.

I said to the pet shop owner "I want a taller stand for my parrot but I haven't much money. Can I get one and pay it off monthly?"

"We don't do higher perches", he replied.

Why do hipsters have so much money?

Because they bought bitcoin before it was popular

A guy came to my bar the other day and told me "hey man I don't have much money, can you just give me your cheapest shot?"

. . I said "Yeah, your ugly and your mom dresses you funny".

Dean, to the physics department: “Why do I always have to give you guys so much money.....

Dean, to the physics department: “Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff? Why couldn’t you be more like the math department - all they need is pencils, paper, and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All...

I don't understand why Steve Ballmer spent so much money on the Clippers.

He doesn't even have hair.

I don't know why women spend so much money on sunglasses...

Wouldn't it be cheaper to just tint the kitchen windows!

How much money does it cost to make Captain America cry?

One buck

Why do stoners spend so much money?

because they’re high rollers

I can't believe how much money I've spent fueling my drinking problem.

Time to start brewing coffee at home.

What do you call it when someone hacks your bank account, and performs a transaction that leaves you with exactly as much money as you had before?

Identity theft!

A math joke. Credit goes to Ben.

Why do gangsters save so much money on clothes?

'Cause all their pants are half-off

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 19 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", ...

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A dog walks into a bank with his lawyer for making deposit of 1M$ cash money

The teller of the bank brings dog to bank president because of so much money.

The bank president says for dog and lawyer come into his office and close the door. He makes question to the dog, "How do you come by having so much moneys?"

The dog replies, "ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF G...

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A redditor is being investigated for tax fraud

So he goes to the IRS bar at the bank with his attorney little Johnny.

The tax bartender asks him "you have no marketable skills, how do you make so much money?"

The redditor responds "I tell jokes, want to hear one? If you guess the punch line I'll pay you $69, if not you'll owe me $...

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