I once asked an affluent French baker how he'd managed to make so much money making bread. His answer:

Success baguettes success.

A Girl called me ugly before she found out how much money I make.

Now she calls me ugly and poor.

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Whiskas (the cat food company) are missing out on so much money

They can just start producing sex toys and they don't even have to change their slogan

"Your cat is going to love Whiskas"

Why wife gets mad because I donate so much money every week to help support single moms.

She says I'm just using it as an excuse to go to the strip club

How much money do you think an ATM have inside it?

80M because it's 80M

How much money does a pirate pay for corn

A buccaneer

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How much money would I need to be comfortable

to jerk off in public?

It's either billions of dollars or no dollars.

My parents didn't have much money when I was young. One Christmas my mates all got new consoles but I just got a bat and ball.

To be fair the ball was alright. The bat was useless though - it just hung upside in my wardrobe all day.

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A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

The reason Saudi Arabia has so much money, is not because of the oil...

It's because they wouldn't let their women spend it.

I spent so much money on this belt, but it doesn't fit

What a waist

Two hobos get together at the end of the day to see how much money they have.

Hobo 1: "I only have 1 dollar, what are we going to do?"

Hobo 2: " I have nothing. Okay, let's buy a Bologna sausage and then go to a bar, I have an idea."

So they buy a bologna sausage and go to a bar and drink a couple of beers on the tab. They have a great time, but it's getting qui...

“If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher," and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"

“One quarter." answered little Johnny.

“You don't know your arithmetic!" snapped the teacher shaking her head.

Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my dad!"

My friend asked me how much money it'd take to sleep with the person I hate the most

I had to remind them that Jeffrey Epstein is dead.

All the major casinos are complaining about how much money they’ve lost.

Now they know how we feel

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I was sitting here wondering "What kind of prostitute makes that much money in 5 years??"

And then I remembered, "Oh, right, a politician."

I can't believe I pay so much money per year for toilet paper

It's a total rip-off.

A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

A guy is complaining about how much money his wife spends.

"Yesterday she asked for $100. The day before for $50. The day before that for $200. It never ends."
"Wow" said his friend. "What does she spend it on?"
"Oh. I never give her any."

The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting.

They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.

If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her funeral

She'd be spinning in her ditch

A guy's been spending too much money lately...

Looks like he has a debtwish.

I saw a guy at the flower store. He was trying to pick the perfect bouquet for his wife. He said “It’s crazy how much money you gotta spend on something that’s just going to die.”

I said “I know... And you gotta buy them flowers...”

How much money does Mariah Carey make every Christmas?

More than you could ever know

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Why do fertility doctors make so much money?

Because sex cells.

My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

Teacher: If I gave you a dollar and your father gave you a dollar how much money would you have?

Me: 1 dollar

Teacher: You clearly don't know your arithmetic

Me: You clearly don't know my father

Betsy: If you have $2, and you ask your father for $4, how much money will you have?

Billy: Two dollars.
Betsy: You don't know your math.
Billy: You don't know my father.

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The Nazis really wasted so much money and effort on a racist motive which made no sense

It truly was a hollow cost

Why does Data the android cost Starfleet so much money?

Because Data is enterprise hardware.

If you had your social security number in exact dollars how much money would you have?

I'd have 314,159,265

After installing a personal budget control app, I saw how much money I spend on beer every month. This opened my eyes. Clearly, I shouldn't do this anymore.

I deleted the app.

Why does the Catholic Church have so much money?

Because Jesus saves.

Why do hipsters have so much money?

Because they bought bitcoin before it was popular

Dean, to the physics department: “Why do I always have to give you guys so much money.....

Dean, to the physics department: “Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff? Why couldn’t you be more like the math department - all they need is pencils, paper, and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All...

A guy came to my bar the other day and told me "hey man I don't have much money, can you just give me your cheapest shot?"

. . I said "Yeah, your ugly and your mom dresses you funny".

I don't understand why Steve Ballmer spent so much money on the Clippers.

He doesn't even have hair.

How much money does it cost to make Captain America cry?

One buck

I don't know why women spend so much money on sunglasses...

Wouldn't it be cheaper to just tint the kitchen windows!

Why do stoners spend so much money?

because they’re high rollers

I can't believe how much money I've spent fueling my drinking problem.

Time to start brewing coffee at home.

What do you call it when someone hacks your bank account, and performs a transaction that leaves you with exactly as much money as you had before?

Identity theft!

A math joke. Credit goes to Ben.

Why do gangsters save so much money on clothes?

'Cause all their pants are half-off

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeri...

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A guy halts his car near a prostitutes.

„How much for a blowjob“ he asks.
„50“ she answers.
„Great, hop in“ he says.

She gets in the car, takes the $50 and gets down on him. After she‘s done, the guy says „That was so hot, here‘s another $100 just for you.“ She‘s surprised but pleased. She takes the money and gets out of the ...

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An Old Man Get's The Attention Of The IRS For Some Suspicious Activities

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

The new CEO

A particularily large manufactuing company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them k...

I said to my wife “You are my drug”

She said: “Oh wow is it because you can’t get enough of me?”

I replied: “No because you cost so much money and you’re ruining my life”

A poor family starts saving up for spoons so they can invite their rich neighbor for supper... (Long)

Once they save up, they invite the rich man, and in the midst of their conversation, it is mentioned that they had to save up for a spoon. The rich man laughs and says,

"I have a spoon for every meal." The husband goes quiet at this, but the wife replies,

"We have a friend who uses a ...

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A Man And A Dog Go Into A Bar

The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!"

The man says, "But he's a special dog!"

The bartender rolls his eyes. "Don't tell me. He talks and says 'bark' and 'roof'."

"No!," says the man. "I give him money, tell him what I want, and he goes to the store for me. When...

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