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Much Money Jokes

My dad always says, “Don’t spend too much money on expensive headphones.”

That’s….sound advice.

A women called me ugly until she found how much money I make.

Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.

My girlfriend has made so much money since she's been on OnlyFans that I've got a new car and a set of custom golf clubs

I do worry that someone will recognize her in public and tell her she's on it though.

If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her funeral

She'd be spinning in her ditch

The reason why Saudi Arabia has so much money is not because of oil, .

but, because they wouldn't let their women spend it

The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting.

They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.

How did the funeral home make so much money?

They had the market coronered

A proctologist was losing too much money…

A proctologist was losing too much money. Her accountant came over for a consultation and quickly spotted the problem.

“You’re spending far too much on staffing. You’ve simply got to reduce your labor costs in order to survive.”

The proctologist puzzled over how to cut down. Given her...

A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

Why wife gets mad because I donate so much money every week to help support single moms.

She says I'm just using it as an excuse to go to the strip club

I paid way too much money for these Velcro pants

What a ripoff

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Why do Catholics make so much money with stocks and cryptocurrency?

Because they have perfected when to pull out.

How much money do you think an ATM have inside it?

80M because it's 80M

How much money does a pirate pay for corn

A buccaneer

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How much money would I need to be comfortable

to jerk off in public?

It's either billions of dollars or no dollars.

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Whiskas (the cat food company) are missing out on so much money

They can just start producing sex toys and they don't even have to change their slogan

"Your cat is going to love Whiskas"

Why don't gymnasts make much money as actors?

They normally perform non-speaking rolls

All the major casinos are complaining about how much money they’ve lost.

Now they know how we feel

I once asked an affluent French baker how he'd managed to make so much money making bread. His answer:

Success baguettes success.

A guy's been spending too much money lately...

Looks like he has a debtwish.

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Why do fertility doctors make so much money?

Because sex cells.

How much money does Mariah Carey make every Christmas?

More than you could ever know

Two hobos get together at the end of the day to see how much money they have.

Hobo 1: "I only have 1 dollar, what are we going to do?"

Hobo 2: " I have nothing. Okay, let's buy a Bologna sausage and then go to a bar, I have an idea."

So they buy a bologna sausage and go to a bar and drink a couple of beers on the tab. They have a great time, but it's getting qui...

I can't believe I pay so much money per year for toilet paper

It's a total rip-off.

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A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

A guy is complaining about how much money his wife spends.

"Yesterday she asked for $100. The day before for $50. The day before that for $200. It never ends."
"Wow" said his friend. "What does she spend it on?"
"Oh. I never give her any."

Why does the Catholic Church have so much money?

Because Jesus saves.

Teacher: If I gave you a dollar and your father gave you a dollar how much money would you have?

Me: 1 dollar

Teacher: You clearly don't know your arithmetic

Me: You clearly don't know my father

If you had your social security number in exact dollars how much money would you have?

I'd have 314,159,265

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A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large breasts or small breasts?"

The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"

The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."

"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"

"The coins of course."

"...

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan

But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

Why do hipsters have so much money?

Because they bought bitcoin before it was popular

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The zoo’s female gorilla was going crazy, and the vet on staff had a grave prognosis. “She’s in her mating season, and after a lifetime of captivity, if she doesn’t mate, she’ll die.”

The zoo administrator was in a bind. There was just no money to transport in a male gorilla for mating to take place. So he decided humans where close enough to gorillas. Someone would have to fuck the gorilla.

After going through all options, offering as much money as the zoo could afford, ...

Why does Data the android cost Starfleet so much money?

Because Data is enterprise hardware.

What do you call a queen ant who spends sooo much money to get another ladypart just so she could lay eggs twice as fast?

Extravagant

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I was sitting here wondering "What kind of prostitute makes that much money in 5 years??"

And then I remembered, "Oh, right, a politician."

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeri...

Why do stoners spend so much money?

because they’re high rollers

“If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher," and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"

“One quarter." answered little Johnny.

“You don't know your arithmetic!" snapped the teacher shaking her head.

Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my dad!"

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", ...

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A married man was having an affair with his Nympho secretary, and lost track of time.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demande...

Betsy: If you have $2, and you ask your father for $4, how much money will you have?

Billy: Two dollars.
Betsy: You don't know your math.
Billy: You don't know my father.

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The Nazis really wasted so much money and effort on a racist motive which made no sense

It truly was a hollow cost

My parents didn't have much money when I was young. One Christmas my mates all got new consoles but I just got a bat and ball.

To be fair the ball was alright. The bat was useless though - it just hung upside in my wardrobe all day.

How much money does it cost to make Captain America cry?

One buck

I don't understand why Steve Ballmer spent so much money on the Clippers.

He doesn't even have hair.

A Californian, a Texan and a local are drinking at a bar in Big Sky, MT

After a little bit, The Californian finishes his martini, turns and throws his glass against the wall.

The Bartender, shocked, asks him why the hell he did that.

Californian replies that where he's from, they make so much money they don't have to drink out of the same glass twice.
<...

I don't know why women spend so much money on sunglasses...

Wouldn't it be cheaper to just tint the kitchen windows!

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A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of 100$ bills

A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of $100 bills, so he asks the bartender why there is so much money in the jar.

The bartender replies that it is a bet and you have to pay $100 to partecipate. The bet consists in three tests:

The first test: You see that man sitting back there? ...

I can't believe how much money I've spent fueling my drinking problem.

Time to start brewing coffee at home.

Misunderstanding

An old man with hearing problems crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!” The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me ...

Worried that his son was spending too much money on...

...dates, a father asked the boy how much his last date had cost.

The son thought for a minute and then replied, "Oh, about $15 I think."

"Well," said the father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."

"To be honest Dad," the son went on, "we'd ha...

My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.

She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.

I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

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