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Morning Wood Jokes

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What do you call morning wood that wakes you up?

Alarm Cock

If men get morning wood…

Do women get morning dew?

When I woke up I had to fight my morning wood

I beat it single-handedly

[NSFW] Why is it called morning wood

When it should be called breakfast sausage

On job applications I put “Can pee with morning wood” under skills.

When the employer asks me why I just say “Well because it’s kind of hard”

I banged 2 girls with morning wood

I guess I can call it a tree-some.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew wakes up with morning wood and runs right into a wall. What does he say?

Ouch, my nose!

Daylight saving adjustments are stupid

Last time I got a morning wood in the bus instead the bed.

What does a Lumberjack gather at 6 AM ?

Morning Wood

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What is the definition of torque?

When you have to piss with morning wood, you push your dick down so hard that your feet fly out from under you. That's torque.

They should make a breakfast cereal exclusively for lumberjacks

They can call it morning wood

My evening wouldn’t normally start out with an erection...

..but my morning wood.

Feral people don't experience morning wood...

They experience morning bark

What's worse than morning wood?

Mourning wood

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] - A blind man interviews for a job....

...As a quality controller at the local wood mill.


The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind.


The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front ...

Did Jesus ever have morning wood?

He was a carpenter right?
(This is courtesy of my SO)

In my previous life, night time would never help me have erection

But morning wood

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A man called James Woodling dies

His family and friends send out letters to dress for the occasion.
The next week the funeral starts everyone is sad and distraught but one person isn’t there his best friend Dave, suddenly there’s a shout from over the hill.
It’s Dave but he’s wearing an inflatable penis costume.
James’s mo...

What is the most embarrassing species of bird?

Morning wood -pecker

The pope wakes up one Sunday morning…

As he goes into the bathroom, he can’t help but notice that he is sporting some rather impressive morning wood. Recognizing the fact that he can’t conduct services in his condition, he decides to “rough up the alter boy”.

After returning to his home after giving an excellent sermon, he find...

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An old mans son is trying to convince him to move into a nursing home after his wife died.

The son tells his dad that it'll be good for him, and he'll be well taken care of.

"They'll cook you good food, and clean up after you, and you'll make plenty of new friends."

The old man thinks about it for a few weeks, and agrees to go for few weeks to try it out.

On his first...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some tidbits for your pleasure

I'm wearing the boxers with the little hearts all over them tonight....
It's probably not a good night to go to jail.

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night.. especially considering I walked...

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