UPJOKE
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Om Jokes

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: ***holding cup*** do it to my tea!

Magician: ***waves hand*** done!

om: ***holding cup*** it didn’t work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

Did you hear the Cookie Monster got Covid?

The CDC confirmed it was the om-nom-nom-nom-icron variant.




Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the awards. Just trying to brighten everyone's day with a little joke. I hope this joke spreads far and wide....like Covid. Stay safe everybody...

"The best way to a mans heart is through his stomach."

The surgeon was fired later that day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Learned this one when I was 5

The elephant said to the camel: Haha! You have your tits on your back!
Then the camel answered: So what? You have your dick om your face!

(it was hilarious when I was 5, and I still giggle a bit when remembering it)

3 Shapes walk into a bar..

A 2D Square, a 3D Sphere, and a 4D Hypercube walk into a bar. The 2D Square insists, "From my view, everything is flat, so the Earth must be flat too!" The 3D Sphere rolls its eyes and says, "That's just your perspective. In 3D, it's clear the Earth is round." The 4D Hypercube adds, "In 4D, I see al...

What does the MacBook have in common with Donald Trump?

I would tell you....


But I don't compare apples to oranges.

Word on the Street is, Cookie Monster has COVID…

It's the Om nom nom nomicron variant.

Littl‌‌e J‌‌ohnn‌‌y w‌‌a‌‌s t‌‌ol‌‌d b‌‌‌‌y h‌‌i‌‌s f‌‌riend‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t a‌‌dult‌‌s h‌‌av‌‌e a‌‌‌‌ d‌‌ee‌‌p d‌‌ar‌‌k s‌‌ecre‌‌t a‌‌n‌‌d c‌‌a‌‌n b‌‌‌‌e e‌‌asil‌‌y m‌‌anipulated.

Johnn‌‌y d‌‌ecide‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌es‌‌t i‌‌t‌‌. H‌‌‌‌e c‌‌ome‌‌s h‌‌ome‌‌, g‌‌oe‌‌s u‌‌‌‌p t‌‌‌‌o h‌‌i‌‌s m‌‌othe‌‌r a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ays‌‌, "‌‌Mom‌‌, I‌‌‌‌ k‌‌no‌‌w e‌‌verything.‌‌" M‌‌o‌‌m s‌‌hushe‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d g‌‌ive‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m $‌‌10.

"Jus‌‌t d‌‌on'‌‌t t‌‌el‌‌l D‌‌ad‌‌" s‌‌h‌‌e s‌‌ays.
...

When you take a pen name ....

... that's a nom de plume.

When you take a name for war, that's a nom de guerre.

When you take a name for an eating contest, that's a nom de om nom nom.

What is a Buddhist's favorite food?

An om-elet.

Always pray in English...

Mr. Sharma, a Hindu suffered a heart attack. The paramedics arrived and put Mr. Sharma in the ambulance and raced towards the hospital. Realizing his time had come, Mr. Sharma started reciting the Hindu prayer, "Hari Om, Hari Om, Hari Om..."

10 minutes later the paramedics brought him back to...

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Some nsfw funnies I remembered

1)

There was a dad whose response was very odd to stuff asked by his son.

S: Can I ride my bike to school?

D: Does your dick touch your asshole?

S: No

D: Well there's your answer

So on and so forth, "Can I date girls?", "Can I smoke?", "Can I skip school tod...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guy dies and goes to heaven

So, this guy dies and goes to heaven.

He meets Saint Peter at the gates, he says, 'Yeah, we've been expecting you, sit in the waiting area."

The guy sits down, there's a waiting room with a closed door. He sits down next to someone, when he hears a drill behind the door. The guy asks t...

Me: dad can i marry my grandmom

Dad: You WaNt To MaRrY mY mOm.
Me: you married my mom but u don't see me complain about it

What shape is Pac Man?

An om-nom-nom-ogon

What did one egg say to another at a party?

Om-lit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A journalist in the middle east is sitting on a bench, waiting for a bus.

A journalist in the middle east is sitting on a bench, waiting for a bus. On the other end of the bench sits an old man, who is holding the reins of a camel which stands next to him. The journalist, feeling impatient, glances at his watch only to find that it has stopped working. Turning to the old ...

What did the egg say when it turned up?

Om lit

What eats everything?

An Om-nomnivore

Which religion faces the most Resistance? Hinduism...

Om......

Watched a movie where a kid is alone in his house and starts meditating...

It's called "Om Alone"

What does an egg say when he gets turnt?

Om lit



cred: my friend DaMexicanBurrito from playstation.

Some OC from my mom.

A conversation between my [M]om and [D]ad:

[D]- I don't know what it is, but all the guys I know started losing their eyesight when they hit 50.

[M]- I guess the good lord knows what he's doing, then. All the men start to go blind when all the women start to lose their figure.

<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a sunday ritual at St.Peter's Basillica, Rome

Even pope attends to it. It is a whole babel.

Two men draws attention next to church's gate. Both have huge plates on them hang om their neck. It is written

"I am a religious Christian. Please help me" and
"I am Jewish"

on the plates.

People who are leaving the church ...

Young Boy : Grandpa, tell me a story of your childhood

Old Man : Hmmm...when I was young, I could go to a store with 50 cents and get myself candy, toys, and bread.

YB : wow that must've been fantastic. What about now?

OM : Sigh, times have changed. Nowadays with those darn cameras everywhere in the store, its practically impossible to do...

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