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Listen To Jokes

Why is Metallica the safest band to listen to in an airport?

Because they haven't set off a metal detector since 1989.

My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.

They've left those kids a loan.

EDIT: Woke up to find THIS :O

Wife: You only listen to half of what I say.

Husband: I have tinnitus. Half of what I hear is EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
The other half is tinnitus



note: she begrudgingly laughed at this one and we are still together.

What do the French listen to in their spare time?

Royalty free music

My girl friend broke up with me because I listen to linkin park all the time.

But in the end, It doesn't even matter.

What do pigs like to listen to?

HAM radio

Dad, what music did you listen to when you were my age?

"Led Zeppelin."

"Who?"

"Yeah, they were good too."

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Sy...

A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and roll on the radio...

And he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and p...

Why do pirates listen to opera music?

Because they love the high Cs.

My wife let me listen to her audiobook, but I accidentally deleted it halfway through.

Now I’ll ….never hear the end of it.

Why does no one listen to rap music in Korea?

Because it sounds like krap

What type of music does Santa’s elves listen to while working?

Rap music.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist told me to listen to classical music before work to help with my anger management issues.

This morning I woke up and chose violins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For a brief moment in history, people would listen to Bryan Adams and mutually perform oral sex.

It was summer of 69s.

My wife’s dog got to where it wouldn’t listen to her.

So she took it to the vet. The vet said no wonder it won’t listen I’ve never seen that much hair in a dogs ears. He clipped some out and said goto the pharmacy and buy a bottle of nair hair remover.

Put a little on a qtip and rub back in there and that’ll take care of the problem.

So...

Does a Swede listen to The Beatles?

No, but a Norwegian Would.

In America, you listen to country

In Soviet Russia, country listens to you!

Did you get a chance to listen to Will Smith's latest album?

Absolutely slaps

When I get stoned I like to listen to Pink Floyd & eat a lot.

I have become comfortably plump.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you like listening to music whilst having sex

Listen to a live album, that way you'll get an applause every 3-4 minutes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't listen to your balls

Don't listen to your balls.

They're nuts!

When you listen to rock backwards you hear satanic messages, what do you get when you listen to country music backwards?

Your wife back, your life back, and your dog back.

How do Halloween characters listen to their music?

Scare pods

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my wife was complaining to me about how little men listen to women.

I told her that I could prove even random men listened to her better than women. Sure that her opinion would prevail, she happily went with me to the mall where we could find the most people.



After asking a question to 5 men and 5 women, all of the men answered immediately. All of th...

The worst band to listen to if you have kidney problems.

The Stones.

My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her.

Or something like that...

What kind of music do fish listen to?

Something catchy.

Why did the chicken listen to The Doors?

To break on through to the other side.

What kind of music do wind turbines listen to?

They're huge metal fans.

Where do whales go to listen to music?

The orca-stra

I should have listened to my dad that day.

Friend : What did he say ?

The guy in title : I have no idea , I didn't listen to him

Why does everyone listen to the well dressed goose?

He's a proper gander.

Went to a Black Church to listen to gospel. The preacher came over and said "YOU WILL WALK TODAY!!"

I told him I wasn't paralyzed, but he said it again with even more enthusiasm.

After the service I went to leave. My car was gone.

Nobody wants to listen to White Snake with me

So here I go again on my own.

Why didn't the pokemon listen to classical music?

Because he was lycanroc.

why shouldn't you listen to strung out ducks on the street corner?

Because they're quack heads.

I can't listen to brazilian jazz.

Maybe a hundred jazz, or a thousand, but brazilian jazz? That's just way too much jazz.

Listen to the ground....

A cowboy is riding across the plains when he comes across a Pawnee indian lying down with his ear placed against the ground & mumbling something.

Knowing what great trackers the Pawnee are the cowboy gets off his horse and puts his ear to the ground, but he can't figure out anything just ...

What don’t we listen to cows?

Because their point is always moot

/r/wallstreetbets doesn't do due dilligence, they listen to...

...ape-pinions.

Did you hear about the child who could talk to dead people but no one would listen to him?

He was a small medium who was largely ignored.

I listen to trump rallies before I go to bed

They're all white noise.

What does a fur trader listen to on Spotify?

Trap music.

Why should you never listen to coins?

It never makes any cents

To all the people who listen to my Indian accent and automatically assume I’m in IT, let me tell you something.

That’s just a coincidence.

Why don’t you want to listen to a dragon’s story?

Because they tend to drag-on

What music genre do rap-loving Republican listen to?

Hip-hocrisy

What does the Easter Bunny listen to while hiding eggs?

Hip hop.

I told myself I should stop drinking...

But I'm not going to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

I can't listen to orchestral music anymore

Too much sax and violins.

I always listen to Neil Diamond during the holidays.

He’s got sweet carol lines.

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