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Lenin Jokes

Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...

Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."

Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."

I broke up with my girlfriend because she wanted me to cosplay as Lenin

I should've known, there were red flags everywhere.

Just Lenin you know

When you're Russian for food, there's no time for Stalin.

Who was Lenin’s favorite hip-hop artist?

MC Hammer & Sickle

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Lenin in Warsaw

A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called “Lenin in Warsaw.” Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opens—on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, naked, having mad sex with another man. And then another.

And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.Finally, the ...

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Lenin in Poland

The communist party of Poland decided to celebrate the anniversary of Lenin’s birth. They approached a famous painter and asked him for a painting titled “Lenin in Poland”. The painter hated communism, but he agreed to do it on the condition that he will have total artistic freedom and everyone will...

Lenin walks into a tavern

The comrades ask him to join them for some vodka.
After the first couple of shots Lenin refuses to drink any more.

"But why?" ask the people around him.
"Well", he replies, " the Party says no more than a quarter of vodka per proletariat".

"But, of course", they say to him, " rul...

Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev are sitting together on a train...

The train breaks down. Lenin tries to rally the workers to work together and get the train running again. When that fails, Stalin lines up all the workers and shoots them. When that doesn't help, Khrushchev tries to reform the workers back to life. When that also fails, Brezhnev pulls down all the c...

Radio Yerevan was asked: "Was comrade Lenin a scientist or a politician?"

Radio Yerevan answered: "Of course, a politician. If he were a scientist, he would've first tried his theories on dogs."

Why did Lenin mark the names of traitors with ? at the end

Because they question Marx

What was Lenin's favourite book?

The Fault in our Tsars.

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I was having sex with Vladimir Lenin and he asked me to grab his balls

Well what he really said was ‘seize the means of reproduction’

Lenin in Poland

An artist is commissioned by the USSR to make a painting commemorating relations between the Soviet Union and Poland, to be titled "Lenin in Poland." A large ceremony is held at the Kremlin for its unveiling. When the painting is revealed, the guests gasp — the painting shows Lenin's wife in bed wit...

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

Why did Vladimir Lenin write in all lowercase

Because he hates capitalism

What was Vladimir Lenin’s favorite bird?

the Common Tern

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An old Jewish man is leaving the Soviet Union

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That...

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A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations...

Lenin in Warsaw

At an art exhibition in Moscow, there is a picture showing Nadezhda Krupskaya, Lenin's wife, in bed with a young member of the Komsomol. The title of the picture is "Lenin in Warsaw." A bewildered visi- tor asks a guide: "But where is Lenin?" The guide replies quietly and with dignity: "Lenin i...

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Vladimir Lenin and Nadezhda Krupskaya are sitting on the veranda of their dacha.

Krupskaya turns to Lenin and asks, "Vladimir Ilich, if you were to die, would you want to be buried or cremated?"

Lenin replies, "I don't give a shit. They could make me a mummy for all I know."

Lenin, stop Stalin

We gotta Putin a good leader

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Lenin headed directly to Heaven after he died.

He thought he had done much good for the oppressed and deserved retirement in Heaven. He arrived at the gates.

"Who's there?"

"Vladimir Ilyich Lenin."

"Okay, okay! Last one in be sure to close the door. It's kind of cold in here..."

God checked Lenin's dossier and decided...

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The Definition of Politics

A Russian Jew successfully secured relocation to Israel.

At the Moscow airport, when conducting a search of his belongings, the customs official found a statue in his case.

He asked the traveler:

‘What is this?’

The traveler replied:

‘That is the wrong question, co...

How did Lenin do in his school tests?

He had full Marx

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

Vladimir Lenin found a magic lap. Upon rubbing it, a genie pop'ed out and offered him three wishes:

Vlad: I want to return to my country!

Genie: So Be It, replied the Genie.

Vlad: I want my message to be heard by me people!

Genie: So Be It, replied the Genie.

Vlad: I want to lead my people to revolution!

Genie: Soviet! Replied the Genie.

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I saw Lenin pick his nose the other day...

Communists have no class...

What do you call it when Lenin, Trotsky, and Stalin get together for a drink?

A communist party

1945. Lenin's ghost comes to visit Stalin

Stalin tells the undead Lenin: "See, comrade Lenin, you doubted that the Soviet people will follow me, but in fact they do!"
To which Lenin replies: "Increase the food rations, or else the Soviet people will follow me".

Lenin, on his death bed, said to Stalin: How will you rule if so many do not wish to follow you?

Stalin calmly smiled at him: Don't worry, those who won't follow me, I'll make them follow you

A Soviet gets a survey in the mail and it asks "Who is your favorite Russian?"

The second question was "Please explain why you answered Lenin?"

One time Lenin's widow, Nadezhda Krupskaya, visits an elementary school.

The schoolchildren asked her to tell them a story Vladimir Lenin.

"Children, you should know about Lenin's great kindness." she says with eyes misty.
"I remember once he was shaving his beard outside of home, and a little child was passing by & asked him (What are you doing, Mr Lenin...

I need help with a 17 year old joke about Jello and Communism

So my friend and I started this game 17 years ago where you have to come up with a jello (we altered the rules to allow *some* pastries) that fit a communist theme.

Everytime we come up with a new one we swear there are none left. I know he cheats, cos I cheat too. My sister came up with Ban...

What do soviets drink

Lenin-ade

I went to a Soviet drycleaners but didn't have the right money

They said they'd do it cheaper but I'd have to wait a while.

I had to ask them to quit Stalin, Putin a few Roubles and get these Marx off my Lenin.

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Old Soviet jokes get more relevant everyday.

A few years into Kruschev's reign an old man was in line at the meat market. He waited, and waited, and after 3 hours just couldn't take it anymore. He started yelling "Goddammit! I fought for Lenin in the civil war, I fought for Stalin in World War II! And we're still stuck in this bullshit!"
...

An artist is commissioned to create a painting to celebrate Soviet-Polish relations...

to be entitled 'Lenin in Poland'.
Around a month later the artist unveils his painting to a crowd of Soviet dignitaries, and it is greeted by gasps of disgust
The painting depicts Lenin's wife in bed with Leonid Trotsky
One of the assembled guests asks 'But where is Lenin?'
To which the ...

The main goal of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union...

was to make sure the line for Lenin's Mausoleum was longer than the line for bread.

Where's the best place to find a Communist?

In the Lenin closet.

A little son asks his father what a communism is...

...and the father starts explaining:

"Well, son, once upon a time there was this man named Lenin, except his real name was Uljanov. He had a friend named Stalin, except he wasn't his friend and his name was Dzugashvili. They started the October revolution, except it wasn't a revolution, it wa...

What do you call a Soviet Beatle?

John Lenin

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Who is this?

An old Russian Jew, left behind decades ago when the rest of the family fled to Israel, had finally been granted permission to leave by the Soviet government. But not without a few last indignities. When he arrived at the airport, his luggage was confiscated and thoroughly searched in front of him. ...

In high school, I presented a project on communism

I thought I would get terrible marx for stalin but the teacher was pretty leninent.

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A Russian university valedictorian (from my Russian history prof)

A valedictorian at a Russian university was giving his graduation speech. As a finale, the Party Secretary who was in attendance asked the young man two rehearsed questions: "Who is your mother?"

"The Party," the young man replied.

"And who is your father?" the Party Secretary asked ne...

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An old Russian man is at his dying wife's bedside.

The doctor on visit to their apartment looks her over and says, "I'm terribly sorry, but the only way to save your wife is to have anal sex with her."

"I can't do it," says the man, "I'm a loyal Communist and have dutifully served my country. I fought the entire war and earned many medals, in...

Why can you never trust a car made in the Soviet Union?

They keep Lenin to the left, and Stalin.

Im opening a Russian import store to compete with Bed, Bath & Beyond.

Lenins & more

Do you like my Russian leader puns?

Ivan practicing.

And if you need to borrow money I'll Lenin to you.

The Stasi tells Honecker there's a West German spy in his Central Committee.

So Honecker takes his favourite Stasi man along to the next meeting. The concierge (an old red) sees Honecker and the Stasi agent go in and, just one minute later, the Stasi man exiting , with a Central Committee member hand-cuffed to him.

"Comrade, I'm so impressed with your speed and effici...

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A man asks his guide in Hell, "Why is Hitler neck deep in shit , but Stalin is only waist deep?"

His guide responds, "Because Stalin is standing on Lenin's shoulders"

Soviet Russia used to have a leader who was also a singer in a rock band.

He's none other than John Lenin.

Bought a Russian car...

The salesman said it was the krem de la kremlin, but every time it's putin gear, it keeps stalin. My wife said, "Crimea river, I'm not lenin you my car!"

What's a Russian's favorite clothing material?

Lenin

What type of fabric does communist Russia use?

Lenin.

A collection of Radio Yerevan jokes

Radio Yerevan jokes were basically a pre-internet meme here in the former Eastern Bloc, which follow a simple QnA format and were often political, and here's a few of my favorites:

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Radio Yerevan was asked: Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union in the same w...

A joke told to me by an ex-NSA spook who worked in Western Germany during the Cold War. It describes the past leaders of the USSR perfectly.

Lenin, Stalin, Brezhnev, and Gorbachev are on a train to the Great Worker's Rally in Moscow. Suddenly, the train stops and the great men get out to discover that there are no tracks in front of the train. Worried about making it to the rally on time, the men start discussing a solution.

Lenin...

You know who could really get a party started?

Lenin.

Different ethnic groups in the USSR have a meeting.

Each group has a representative, who must talk about what it is like living in the soviet union (and praise lenin and communism along the way if they don't want to get killed).

The Chukchi people live in Siberia, and haven't had it so great under soviet rule. Their representative begins to sp...

A hostel in USSR

A banker went to Moscow, and he stayed in a hostel on Moscow's outskirts. Only available room has three other people in it - a group of friends. He had a very important meeting the next day, but his roommates were loud; drinking, playing cards and telling jokes about communism, Lenin, Stalin and USS...

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Five American explorers and best friends just found an old, abandoned Communist bunker.

When they got inside it, they saw a closed gate with what seemed like a treasure behind it. The gate could only be opened by teamwork and unity - the Communist way. There were four swithes on the gate, and one on the ground, and to reach it you needed to lean.

Luckily, one of the Americans h...

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Stalin is dead and things have begun to lighten up a bit relatively speaking

An old couple live in an apartment in Moscow and she sends him down to buy some meat for supper. After queueing for the obligatory three hours he gets to the counter and the woman says 'No more meat, meat finished'. He cracks and starts raving 'I fought in the Revolution, I fought for Lenin in the F...

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Eastern Europe Loved the USSR

In 1970 a Soviet trade delegation visits Czechoslovakia. The delegation is met at the airport by the minister for trade, and as the minister and the leader of the delegation drive to the city in the minister’s Zil limousine, the minister points out a large bronze statue of Lenin just outside the air...

My uncle was always an idealist

I remember back when we was still a stoic Professor of Logic

But he soon became involved with the Civil Rights Movement. It was then, he became acquainted with many Communist sympathizers as they were called.

So one day eventually, he decided to go teach in the Faculty of Science at th...

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