UPJOKE
invadeinhabitoverrunoccupydevourdecimaterepopulatesaturateravageproliferateparasitizeafflicthurtfulhurtscathe

Infested Jokes

Andrew Tate says his Romanian jail is infested with lice. "Can you imagine sharing a cell with vile parasites?"

Say the lice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Long ago, a king issued a challenge to see who can first cross a crocodile-infested river.

On the day of the challenge, the participants were shocked to see how dangerous the river actually was. Crocodile backs were visible nearly every part of the river and the width of the river seemed to stretch miles away to the other bank.

The king, eager to see some violent gory entertainment...

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a s...

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge

Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer.

\- How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly? - he asks

\- 99.97% - the engineer replies confid...

Why is a seal with just one fin safe to swim in shark infested waters?

Like everyone else, sharks know that if the seal is broken the food isn't safe to consume!

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you say when you see a rabbit infested island

They're fucking everywhere

What did the hiv infested group of singers give to the groupie?

Band Aids

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A small church became infested with rabbits...

A small church became infested with rabbits. Pest control professionals were called as soon as the problem was discovered, but nothing could stop the rabbits from overtaking first the basement, then the grounds, then the kitchen and offices, and finally the meeting hall. Realizing that nothing could...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are shipwrecked on an island infested with cannibals.

The cannibal king tells the three men that they must complete a test so that they may not be eaten.

He tells them to bring back 10 pieces of the same fruit. The first man brings back apples and is told he must shove all 10 up his butt without making a noise to pass the test. He gets half of ...

What did Mick Jagger do when he found his cupboard was infested with moths?

Nothing. A rolling stone gathers no moths.

Dave went to the store for a box of mothballs. His closet was infested with moths and he needed a solution.

The next day, Dave returned to buy five more boxes.



“Weren’t you just here yesterday to buy a box of mothballs?” the store clerk asked.



“Yes, but I used up that box already. Those suckers are hard to hit when they start moving!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy with some cockroach-infested bread, an aptitude for puns, and a propensity for spoonerisms walks into a bar.

"I have the pest buns," he says to the barman.

In the shark infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns, one called Justin and the other called Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.”

Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. “Your wish is granted,” he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid that his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So...

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

(This is a 6 in 1 joke)
Person 1: You have 500 bricks. If you throw one off a plane, how many will you have left?
Person 2: 499.
Person 1: Correct!

Person 1: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Person 2: That’s not physically possible.
Person 1: Wrong, you open the ...

What's the difference between Chuck E. Cheese and Russia?

One is a dark, dank hole, lead by a flea infested disease carrying incontinent rodent giving cheap prizes for worthless tokens.

The other sells pizza to children

To survive in a rainforest, it is important to remember.....

To survive in a rainforest, it is important to remember that when you are being chased by a jaguar, jumping in a piranha-infested river is no help.

Jaguars are excellent swimmers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An android phone and an iPhone meet after a year.

iPhone: What......the......fuck.....dude? You.....are.....infested.....with.....malware!! 


Android Phone: Fuckers don't update me. But what happened to you? Why are speaking with a lag? 


iPhone: Fuckers.....updated......me.

What's yellow and dangerous

Shark infested custard

Engineer and anti-vaxxer

An engineer, an anti-vaxxer, and others were walking through the woods when they came upon a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that river safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural ...

Why was the beach next to the power plant closed?

Because it is spark infested waters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once, I met a pirate with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch

I asked him "What happened to your leg?"

"Arr," he responded, "One day I was in a battle at sea and a cannon ball blew my leg right off. I cut the throat of the man who fired the shot though."

"That sounds awful. What happened to your hand?"

"Arr, one day at sea I was knocked of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A naval officer and a pirate meet in an inn...

The naval officer notices that the pirate has a wooden leg, hook hand, and eyepatch. They begin chatting over drinks, and the officer asks, "So, how did you get the wooden leg?"

The pirate replies, "We were caught in a big storm at sea and I got swept overboard into shark-infested waters. And...

Anti-vaxxers...

...are like if somebody decided to swim across a crocodile-infested river because they're afraid the bridge will collapse

Outside my school there is an unfortunate tree

It has been hit by a car, struck by lightning, and now infested with termites.

What a poor sap

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Tough Cowboys

Three cowboys are sitting around the campfire after a long day on the plains.

The first cowboy says, "I'm the toughest man in the west, I once took three arrows in my back and rode 2 days through Indian infested badlands to get help."

The second cowboy says, "Bah, I'm the toughest man ...

Happy International Women's Day

During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Thailand... the eccentric boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond... and swim to the shore. Anyone who survived the swim will be rewarded with 5 million... but if killed by the crocs...2 million will be gi...

A boat full of people is stranded in a boat a few miles off shore....

A boat full of people is stranded in a boat a few miles off shore. But the water is infested with man eating sharks. A man, steps up and says "I am a doctor at peak physical strength, I'll swim to shore and get help." He jumps into the water and is almost immediately eaten. Another man steps up and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks in to a sea shanty

A man walks in to a sea shanty and sees his old pal Long John Silver sitting at the bar so he walks over to say hello. As he approaches, he notices that his old friend has a nice new peg-leg, a shiny new hook at the end of his right wrist and a fresh looking eyepatch over his right eye. He slaps h...

Well endowed navy crew member- nsfw

There once was a man who was in the navy who was very well endowed, but for some reason had a really high pitched voice. One that had the whole crew laughing and making jokes about him. So one day he went to see the doctor. The doctor said his high pitched voice was due to him having such a big memb...

2 Irish men get the idea to sell crocodile shoes

2 Irish men get the idea to sell crocodile shoes after seeing an expensive pair in a Dublin City shop.

They fly to Africa, set up beside a notorious crocodile infested lake and go to work.

After a long day the 2 men have left a long line of dead crocodiles all along the lake shore.
...

Collection of joke that were retold countless times when I was younger.

A plane carrying bricks was flying northeast over a jungle when a brick fell out. Which direction did the brick fell in?

- Down.

 

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

- Open the fridge.

- Put elephant in.

- Close the fridge.

 ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Redditor got bored and decided to try an experiment...

There was a case of Coca Cola in the corner of the basement, next to a case of store-brand Cola. He decided to test the effects of each on the ants that infested the basement. He spilled a small puddle of each on the floor and watched as the ants crowded around the sugary liquids. At some point the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A millionaire wants his daughter to marry...

So he decideds to host a competition for a small town nearby.
"To any man who can swim across this Piranha infested pool of water unharmed, may have my daughter's hand in marriage."
20 men line up next to the pool and stand there to scared to move. Suddenly a man jumps into the water and is sw...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A disheveled man with a shrunken head walks into a bar.

After a few drinks he starts to relax, so the curious bartender feels comfortable enough to inquire about the man's tiny noggin.

"Sorry to be intrusive.. but how did you end up with such a tiny head?" Asks the bartender.

The man replies: "I was the captain of an elite naval vessel pat...

How do you fit an elephant in the fridge in three simple steps?

* How do you fit an entire elephant in the refrigerator in three simple steps?
* *How?*
* You open the door, you stick the elephant in, and you close the door



* How do you fit a giraffe in the refrigerator in four easy steps?
* *How?*
* You open the door, you take the elep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich man threw a mansion party

It was of extravagant proportions. Hundreds of guests filled his enormous abode to mingle and drink with glee. During the festivities the rich man gathered everyone to the backyard.

“Come! I have something to show you all! As well as a challenge!”

His curious (also drunk) flock followe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Woman is Crying on the Beach

A man is on his morning stroll down the beach and sees a woman sitting in her wheelchair with no arms or legs, and she was crying. "Ma'am, why are you crying?" "I've never been hugged by a man before." He gives her a hug, she smiles, and he continues on his stroll.
The next day, he is walkin...

Pest Control

There is a church that is infested with rats. No amount of traps or exterminators have any effect on the still growing population. One day the local pastor thinks up a plan. The next day, all the rats are gone. The people are floored and asked what he did. He replies by saying that he baptized them ...

(90's Dictator Joke) So Clinton, Blair and Mubarak are playing ball in Egypt

They kick the ball and it falls into the crocodile-infested Nile. Clinton says, "Not to worry, one of our marines will get it back", and he asks a marine to go get it. The Marine sees the crocodiles fighting each other and says, "Sorry, I have a family and kids I want to raise". So Tony Blair goes, ...

Dang squirrels

There once was a town that was infested with squirrels. They were everywhere and got into everything. The people of the town hated it especially the miller, the blacksmith, and the priest.

One day the miller decides that enough is enough and lays out some poisoned four to kill the stupid thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Awesome shitjoke including A DEAD FROG ON A LEACH!!

So yeah there's this way too young boy entering a brothel while carrying a case full of money and dragging a dead frog on a leach. After the brothelmother asks what he wants he claims wanting to have fun with one of her girls to catch some nasty illness from her. First the brothelmother wants to ref...

A father chose to quiz his son...

Father: There was a plane carrying 500 bricks. One fell off. How many were left?

Son: 499

Father: Correct!

______________________________________________________________________________

Father: How do you fit an elephant in a refrigerator?

Son: Um… Cut it up?
...

There was once a millionaire who collected a large amount of alligators as pets.

One day he held a party and came up with a proposition. He said if anyone could swim across the alligator infested pool and emerge unharmed he would pay them $1 million or give them his beautiful daughter's hand in marriage.

Immediately after he finished saying this he heard a splash and the...

Brick

- An airplane had 100 bricks in it. One brick falls out. How many are left?
- 99, of course.

- What are the three steps to put an elephant in the fridge?
1. Open the door.
2. Put the elephant in.
3. Close the door.

- What are the three steps to put a horse in th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a king...

... who owned two magnificent kingdoms. Vast in land and great in wealth. One day the king decided he wanted to give one of his kingdoms away. He gathered all of his people and told them,

"He who swims across the immense river separating my two kingdoms shall inherit the one in the East. But...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mermaid Joke

On the outskirts of a small town in eastern Missouri, there once lived a farmer, his wife, and their three sons. Once upon a time their dairy farm had been huge, and business was booming. But a terrible cow-afflicting disease swept throughout the town, and hit this families bovine particularly hard ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This one is a long one I'm warning you,

I made this one myself

You have 500 bricks. If the co pilot throws one off a plane, how many will you have left? 499

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? you open the refrigerator door, put the elephant inside, and close the door!

How do you put a giraffe into a re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three old ladies

Three old ladies had just passed away and stood outside the gates to heaven speaking to the Almighty One. He looked at the three of them sternly and said: "If you're gonna be here, you should know that we only have one single rule here in heaven, but that one rule is extremely strict! You may NEVER,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The bird who sought a purpose

Apologies if a joke like this was already submitted, I just discovered this wonderful subreddit and I'd like to chip in :)

A bird had long traveled the country side. He was never content with his meager life, and sought a purpose. One day, the bird came upon quite a sight! A massive clearing ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A King's Offer

In a far away land, an old king had fallen ill and was resigned to the inevitability of death. However, by failing to bear a son, the king feared for the future of his kingdom. A daughter, was all that would remain of his line.

So, to resolve this issue, the king came up with an offer. One d...

Stranded on an Island

There once was a young single guy on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every las...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fish jokes

One fish says to the other, “You drink like a fish.”
The other fish responds, “So do you.”

What did the sardine call the submarine?
A can of people.

What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line.

What fish is best to have in a boat?
A Sailfish.
<...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.