A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it's going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Impeccable timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.
After several weeks of fuming at his chickens for making scratches and small dents in the hood of his car he decided to find a solution.
Coincidentally a salesperson came by his house and offered a s...

Impeccable

A woodpecker from the United States and a Canadian woodpecker were in Canada arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Canadian woodpecker claimed Canada had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The U.S. woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no ...

I've chicken proofed my lawn

It's impeccable

My grammar may be poor, but my grilling is impeccable.

I'd steak my reputation on that.

Girl, am I a loan offered to ppl with impeccable credit and a long history of timely payments?

Bc I have 0 interest

I just saw a theater performance called "The Woodpecker and the Metal Pole"

The performance was impeccable!

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

An American spy is drinking in a Soviet bar.

He is hoping for a politician to come and get drunk, so that he can steal secret Soviet intel.

All of a sudden, a Russian man walks up to him and says: "You! It is clear that you are a Western spy!"

The spy keeps his cool, he was trained for this. He speaks to the man in perfect Russia...

A farmer placed a grandfather clock out in his field...

A farmer placed a grandfather clock out in his field. Every time a bird was swooping in to get some crops - the bird would catch eye of the clock instead. As the bird landed on the clock, it would die! It was a mystery - but the farmer didn't care as it worked better than a scarecrow. Pretty soon wo...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Making yachts during the coronavirus lockdown

I have a friend named Pete who makes yachts for a living. Pete was quite worried about the virus as he thought not many people would be in the market for one of his nice boats. His yachts are big, sturdy, and beautiful, but primarily they're designed for big groups of people. Who's going to want to ...

Did I tell you about my neighbor who is afraid of chickens?

He built a beautiful fence around his house. All the neighbors say it’s impeccable.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A guest dining in a classy restaurant drops his spoon before finishing his soup. (Nsfw)

Before he could reach down to pick it up, a server was already standing next to him holding a replacement.
"Wow! That was tremendously fast. The service here is impeccable. How did you do that?."
"Well, all of the servers here have an extra piece of cutlery on their tray at all times just...

Why did the computer go to sleep?

It was key-bored!

(An original joke from my 5 year old nephew, a budding comedic genius with impeccable timing!)

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A beautiful woman walking into a sporting goods store...

She spends a few minutes shopping around until she finds a fishing rod that she would like to buy for herself. She picks it up and brings it to the front counter. When she arrives the only cashier is a blind man.

"Good choice" The blind man says "That rod is only $20 this week"

"How do...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A divorced man is walking to town...

And discovers an old lamp in oddly impeccable shape glistening through the bushes. He decides it's worth a closer look, walks over and picks it up.

All of a sudden a genie pops out and tells the man in his booming voice "You have three wishes, but be careful; for whatever you wish, your ex ge...

An elderly man was at a dinner party

An elderly man at a dinner party was telling a small group about the wonderful restaurant he and his wife went to a couple of days before. The food was fantastic and the service impeccable. When someone asked him the name of it, he couldn't remember.

"I can't remember. Help me here..." He a...

Jacques and Pierre were bitter enemies

So one day, Jacques challenged Pierre to a duel. Swords were chosen. They faced off and drew their weapons. Jacques struck first, thrusting his sword toward Pierre, but Pierre daftly swatted his sword to the side and returned a thrust, piercing Jacques in the shoulder. They circled each other a few ...

A Hippo wants to join the local hippo gang

While speaking with the gang leader he's told in order to join the gang he must have respect for his brothers and impeccable manners.
He nods his head and let's the leader know he was raised in a noble, high class family. These things came easy to him.

The hippo struts out of the leaders r...

German spies

During the war, two German spies were sent to London to gather valuable intel. To immerse themselves in the local culture they walk into a local pub and walk up to the bar. The first German says to the barman in an impeccable English accent
"May I have two Martinis please?"
"Dry?" asked the b...

So my kid walks inside and says,

'Hey mom, can we get one of those new chicken proof lawns for the backyard? I hear they're impeccable".

My flight instructor told me this one. Nothing to do with flying.

A man's wife is staring at herself in the mirror and frowning. She turns to her husband and says "Honey, I feel fat, old, and ugly. I could really use a compliment right now." To which the husband replies "Darling, your eyesight is impeccable."

Did you hear about the fighting rooster who never lost a fight?

His record was impeccable.

Why should you wear your nicest outfit if you're going to be attacked by birds?

Because you'll want to be impeccable.

What's the worst thing for a cannibal to say to a friend?

Your family has impeccable taste.

Lieutenant Dan has to deliver bad news.

One day, from the office of the General of the Army comes a letter for Lieutenant Dan bearing bad news. Private John's wife had passed away in a horrible car accident.

The General strongly suggested that breaking the news lightly to John would be course of action.
Lieutenant Dan, with hi...

I bought a Rolex before trying & failing at stand up comedy.

Apparently you need more than impeccable timing.

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