UPJOKE
hospitalnicuhospunitrmpneonatalcmldiabetichemodialysisreadmittedgeriatricpaediatricinpatientmsoorderlies

Icu Jokes

Just been diagnosed with the dreaded ‘Peek-a-Boo virus’...



I’m being transferred to ICU.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse at the ICU noticed a patient trying to say something through his oxygen mask.

Nurse: Sorry, what was that again?

Patient: Are my testicles black?

Nurse : Excuse me?

Patient : Are my testicles black?

The nurse was quite young and beautiful,and was used to getting hit on by patients. But seeing the state the poor man was in, she decided to check ...

I met someone special in a Scottish ICU.

*Alas…*

John Cena woke up from a coma

John Cena: Where am I?

Nurse: ICU

John Cena: No you don't.

Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek–a-boo accident?

To the ICU.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the ICU

Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness.

He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him. He realized that he w...

Wife was in the ICU

Doctor : It seems she is in coma.

Husband : Please save her. She is just 28.

*Suddenly the ECG started beeping. A hand moved and her lips mumbled*

And she spoke, " **I'm 27** "

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo accident.

They put me in the ICU.

Watch out for that new "Peekaboo" variant the CDC has been warning about...

It's been sending everyone to the ICU.

Supermarket cashiers must be really traumatized if they land in the ICU

Beep, beep, beep...

John Cena wakes up at a hospital

John Cena: Where am I

Nurse: ICU

John Cena: No you can’t

How did the doctor cure the invisible man?

He took him to the ICU

Warning! Had two covid vaccinations and still ended up in the ICU

Gor hit by a bus on the way out

I just came down with the Peekaboo virus

It sent me to the ICU

4 doctors from a hospital are having a meeting about a certain ICU

Doctor 1: I don't know if you fellas noticed, but we've been losing a lot of patients in that room.

Doctor 2: I've noticed that too, and is always at 10am.

Doctor 3: Yes, what's up with that? I lost three people who had very good chances of recovery, alwalys at 10am.

Doctor 4:...

A wife was in the ICU...

The husband was unable to control his tears.

Doctor: "We are trying our best but can't guarantee anything. Her body is not reacting. It seems she is in a coma."

Husband: "Doctor, please save her. She is just 30 years old and the family needs her."

Suddenly, the ECG started beepi...

Where do Peek-a-boo patients go?

The ICU.

Family members anxiously await news outside of the ICU

Dr Schrodinger :" there's good news and there's bad news."

"What do you mean by that?" Asks the wife.

Dr Schrodinger *takes a look inside* : " I'm afraid your husband is dead."

wife *sobbing* : "But then what's the good news?"

Dr Schrodinger: "What good news?"

Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident.

All involved were rushed to the ICU

I’ve heard that ‘ICU’ is the creepiest room name

This was especially true when it was whispered to me through the phone.

Man injured playing Peekaboo

Taken to the ICU

Where is the worst place to hide in a hospital?

In the ICU.

Nurses have been placing an unconscious guy's bed on the ICU floor to indicate where doctors can stop for a while and rest during their rounds.

They call him the comma patient.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of the babies on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets a call from a doctor...

...who informs him that he needs to get to the hospital ASAP as his wife has been involved in a very serious traffic collision. The man gets to the hospital and is met at the doors by the Doctor. "Don't tell me she's dead, doc", says the man, "I don't think I could live without my wife, I can't thin...

How do you call a woman who makes life hell for doctors in the ICU?

Intensive Karen.

Hannibal Lector was caught in a hospitals ICU, munching on a comatose patient

"Dr. Lector", Clarise Starling asked him when they were re-united, "why did you take such a risk to go into a busy ICU unit?"

"Simple, my dear Clarise...I've gone vegetarian."

I was playing hide and seek at the hospital...

I kept ending up in ICU.

Did you hear about the new Disney FastPass?

Skip the lines, go straight to the ICU

A man was sent to the hospital as he kept yelling that he is now invisible

They shifted him to ICU

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor! Doctor! My husband just got admitted to this hospital with involuntary butt spasms, where is he?

ICU baby, shakin' that ass!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife is in ICU, things aren’t looking good.

During night shift, they are giving her nightly bed bath. As they are washing her lady parts, the nurses notice that her heart rate increases, breathing is getting deeper, blood pressure is holding steady.

So they come get me and tell me what happened. They say they have a crazy idea and thi...

Doctors have just discovered another deadly pathogen, they are calling the Peekaboo Virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with Peekaboo, straight to ICU.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired today when my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable

Apparently the hospital has “very strict rules” around what we are allowed to do with COVID patients in the ICU.

Why is peek a boo and anti vaxxers favorite game?

Because ICU

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Great Golf Game

This guy was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been i...

I found out my friend has Peek Aboo

He's in the ICU

After testing positive in Tuscaloosa, my uncle Reamus ran out of ICU naked into the woods...

He checked back in two days later, covered in tick bites. I asked him what the hell he was thinking.

He replied, "Well... your Daddy's gonna die the way he lived: Corona and Lyme"

There was this haunted ICU in a hospital... People always died at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to keep a watch on the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour.
At 3pm, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

I was at the supermarket the other day...

I was at the supermarket the other day, buying dog food. As I was standing in line for the cash register, there was a lady behind me asking me if I had a dog (beacuse why else would I be buying dog food, right?!) Anyway, my inner demon woke up, so I told the lady that I don't have a dog, but that I ...

So an antivaxxer told me "See you later"

and I said, not if ICU first!

Did you hear about the guy that was injured in the freak peek-a-boo incident?

He had to be put in the icu

What does COVID-19 say when it finds you?

ICU

Which part of the hospital do thieves fear the most?

ICU

What room in a hospital has the least amount of privacy?

The ICU.

Edited. (I see you)

Victorinox, the makers of Swiss Army knives, recently branched out into the medical supply business after developing a universal tool fit for every hospital ICU.

Their marketing slogan: "For all intensive purposes."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald’s son is a great painter

He painted a $100 note on the floor of the classroom. His teacher broke her nails trying to pick it up. She called his father on phone to complain about the kid and explain what had happened

The father from his hospital bed ICU replied: "You got lucky Maam.........

"At home that bast...

Why does John Cena take COVID19 seriously?

Because he doesn't want to go to the ICU.

The alphabet in 2021: ABDFGHJKLMNOQSVWXYZ.

There will be no more ER, ICU, or TP.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Buying dog food

One day I was at Wal-mart buying a bag of dog food. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT???So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog. "I'm starting the dog food diet again. I probably shouldn't because I ended up ...

where do cannibals go to get their 5 daily veggies?

To the ICU ward.

A Halloween story A Hospital in Alabama got a lot of doctors and medical experts baffled over a string of deaths in an ICU at an exact time and same bed

Doctor 1: It's always 10am i tell you! Then it's Flatline!

Doctor 2: I have 3 patients that has a very good chance to live but also died on that same bed and at the same time.

Doctor 3: Mine too.

Doctor 4: I have a patient in there now and its almost 10am. Shall i get him away f...

New Pandemic Virus

Scientists are now concerned about a new virus which could become the next pandemic, which they have called the "peekaboo" virus. Patient who get the Peekaboo virus are put in ICU.

The Olympic skier Picabo Street made headlines by donating enough money to build a new hospital.

To thank her they named a wing of the hospital after her. The Picabo ICU.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A goth, a weeb and a brony walks into a bar

Bartender said well well well! We don't see you people often in here. So how about this, I'ma make you an offer. Each one of you say the most embarrassing thing you have done, and the person with the most cringe-worthy story gets a drink for free.

The Goth said, well I cut my ex's name in my ...

What did doctor do to treat a man’s invisibility?

He took him to the ICU

Sorry.

Blind Man Wakes Up in a Hospital

A blind man wakes up in a hospital today, sees doctor. He asks the doctor, "Where am I doctor." Doctor replies, "ICU". Blind mans quips backs, "I know doctor, I'm the blind one!"

A peeping tom fell out if a tree, where did he end up?

In the ICU

Two hospitals were playing hide-and-seek. What did one hospital say to the other?

ICU!

If u saw this joke before, it's because I posted it on dadjokes.

What does covid 19 say to people who ignore the quarantine?

Icu.

Peeping Tom

Did you hear about the guy who got injured trying to be a Peeping Tom?
He's in the ICU.

The new Nightingale hospital in Glasgow has been renamed.

ICU Jimmy

Sam got sick and taken to Middle-Earth Medical Center. Frodo rushed to the hospital, asking where Sam is. Chief Registrar Sauron replied:

ICU

After his popularity waned, Vanilla Ice...

Took a job at a hospital information desk. A panicked man ran up and asked "Where's the ICU?! My mom's been in a horrible accident!" Without looking up, Vanilla sighed heavily and said "Ward 2: Your Mother."

So apparently an Olympic downhill skier was injured so many times she donated a huge sum to the local hospital's critical care unit.

Of course they called it the Picabu ICU.

Invisible people won't be a problem for doctors to treat

Just send them to the ICU

A doctor from the U.S. is visiting a hospital in Scotland

A prominent physician is visiting a hospital in Scotland. He's being shown around by the medical director. They take him to the OR, very modern. Then they go to the ICU, where he talks to the nurses. They go to another ward, where there's a long line of beds, each with a patient in it. He asks ...

Sometimes I try to sneak into the Intensive Care Unit to tell bad puns, but they always stop me by saying

ICU

Olympic Gold medalist Picabo Street retired from sports to work in the hospital. A doctor has a patient in need of intensive care and cannot find her.

The doctor calls her station and she answers, "Picabo, ICU."

John Cena is admitted to the Intensive Care Unit after losing consciousness

After waking up, he asks the doctor "Where am I?"

The doctor responds "The ICU"

John says "No you can't"

Picabo Street is a former World Cup alpine ski racer and model. When she was inducted into the National Ski Hall of Fame in 2004, her home town of Triumph, Idaho dedicated an entire wing of the local hospital to her.

It's called the Picabo ICU.

Where are doctors most observant of their patients in the hospital?

In the ICU.

Why was the hospital patient feeling so self-conscious?

She overheard the doctors keep saying ICU.

What did the man with the magnifying glass say to the guy in the emergency room?

ICU

Did anybody hear about the the peeping Tom who was caught?

He was beaten up so badly they sent him to the ICU.

A husband is dying.

A husband is in the ICU with his wife sitting beside him.

"Honey," he says to her, "if I go into a coma... I just want you to pull it. Don't wait. just pull it..."

His wife nods solemnly.

"And if it doesn't get hard, have them pull the plug."

Did you hear about the blind guy who got in a car accident?

He regained his sight in ICU.

Someone recently said to me, "Next time I see you, I'm gonna beat you so bad you'll end up in the hospital."

So I said to him, "Not if ICU first."

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi hear about a bear causing trouble in the woods nearby.

The three men, friendly rivals, decide among themselves that what this bear needs to be soothed is some religion, so they declare it a contest to see who can convert it. They draw straws, and the Catholic priest is the first to try.

He heads into the woods, and comes back three hours later wi...

A guy stuck in the Coronavirus pandemic prays to God for help (not a repost)

He is on his knees begging God for protection from the pandemic. Suddenly, he is distracted by his television. It is the W.H.O. telling people to socially distance and wear a mask in public. He switches it off, because it is distracting him and resumes praying.

The next day, still scared he p...

The pandemic comes, and the country is in lockdown.

The coronavirus is killing tens of thousands.

Early on, a scientist says ***"Keep your distance and wash your hands regularly."***

The fellow shouted back, ***"No, it's OK - I don't need to keep distance, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."***

The pandemic rages on. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just realized the fight between obi wan and Anakin perfectly sums up the past year of fighting between Millenials and Boomers, respectively.

When Jedi business becomes too real.

---------------

Millenials: You have allowed this giant turd to twist your mind, until now, until now you've become the very thing you swore to destroy.

Boomer : Don't lecture me, child, I see through the lies of the libtards I do not fear t...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.