His Home Jokes

The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce.

"Beautiful isn't it?" He asks the minister.

"Hmm, Yes it is"

"Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?"
*the AP points in a direction*
"You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets"
<... read more

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat h... read more

He was covered in strawberry syrup, hot fudge sauce, crushed nuts, and grated chocolate.

Police believe that he topped himself.

Details are sketchy.

Now he’s in a pickle.

It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven.

And with his last hum... read more

Issac reviewed the system and stated "Forgive me, Father but the system just doesn't seem to have enough memory."

and Abraham said "My son, God will provide the RAM."

He was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every single lamp in the house.

A Mike Wahousekey

An average boy gets home from school and shows his mother his report card. The mother opens it and sees all "B"s and "C"s and is disappointed with her son. She heard from a friend that the nearby church school does a great job at fixing people right up, so she decides to send her son there.

A... read more

The bear is not dead it is just too scared to move

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"Hey dad it's me," answers the boy

"Shouldn't you be in school?" The man asks

"Mum said i could stay home because I'm ill" The boy answers

"Where is your mother?" asks the man.

The boy says, "She's upstairs in bed with the postman."
... read more

He calls out to his wife, "Honey, why are there two broken condoms sitting on the couch?"

His wife replies, exasperated, "For the last time, can you please call our children by their actual names?"

He pulled his car over to the side of the road and closed his eyes.

Fifteen minutes later, he was awakened by a jogger tapping on his window. Mr. Johnson rolled down the window.

"Do you know what time it is?" asked the jogger.

"No!" snapped Mr. Johnson. He rolled his window back... read more

Husband: "here's the cow I've been sleeping with"

Wife: "that's not a cow that's a chicken"

Husband: "I wasn't talking to you"

He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one third of my monthly salary !" he yelled.

Well, a... read more

Mary: Hold on, son! Were you born in a barn?

Stepping inside, he instructs his wife to tell the two creditors that he isn't home.

The two men arrive and knock on his door, the wife answers and tells them Hodja isn't home. The two men are annoyed, and one says "don't give us that nonsense, we just saw him walk in this door two minutes ag... read more

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket... read more

A guy is moving out of New York City, and begins cleaning out his home desk. He's a bit of a packrat, and after thirty years, he's accumulated a lot of papers. As he's going through the papers, he notices an old, yellowed receipt.

"Lustowitz Shoe Repair" it says at the top. He dimly remembers... read more

The maid picks up

Maid: "Hello, Sir, how can I help you?"

Guy: "Can you please give the phone to your madam?"

Maid:"Oh no sir, Madam is making love with Sir"

The man is confused at this point

Guy: "But the owner of the house is me. Does that mean she is cheating o... read more

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent... read more

He decides to explore his old neighborhood, and when he reaches the building where he used to live, he notices that the shoemaker's shop across the street has not changed a bit.

All sorts of memories arise to the surface of his mind as he used to pass this shop everyday. And then he remembers... read more

His wife calls 911 and they send the ambulance over. Ten minutes later, the doctor calls the wife and they ask her to come to the hospital. When she gets there, the doctor has some bad news. "I'm sorry Ma'am, but your husband suddenly had another heart attack and passed. The woman is hysterical. "Ho... read more