Glares Jokes - 58 Hilarious Glares Jokes

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Snape glares at Harry as he arrives late to class.

“Late again, Mr. Potter?", he snarls, "One hundred points from Gryffindor.”

Harry balks, “One hundred points?! Are you fucking serious?!”

Snape grows even paler than usual as looks down and says, “Albus told you, didn't he?”

I'm a physicist.

It’s 3 AM. A woman paces angrily in her house waiting for her physicist husband to come home. Finally he does. As he walks through the door she glares and demands “where have you been!?” Sheepishly, the physicist husband tries to explain himself. He says, “well my colleagues and I went out just for ...

A drunk walks up to two priests...

A drunk walks up to two priests...

He says "I'm Jesus Christ."

The priest shakes his head. "No son, you're not."

The drunk goes up to the second priest. "I'm Jesus Christ."

The second priest gives the same answer.

The drunk glares ...

A husband and wife were having dinner

They were at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mist...

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt, and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

“I’d like some raisin bread please,” the man says.

The clerk nods and climbs up a la...

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just w...

Vladimir Putin is speaking with his advisors...

"I think when the war is over Russia should become a Kingdom".

"Sir," one of his advisors speaks out, "only a King may lead a Kingdom."

"Very well, Russia shall become an Empire" Putin replies.

Again his advisor speaks out, "only an Emperor can rule over an Empire."

Putin...

A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)

The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it's started out as a great gig except for one glaring ...

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A Russian is digging around an old battlefield.

He occasionally finds bits of metal worth scrapping, or something interesting enough to keep. Today, he finds a small clump of smooth metal, only a few inches wide. He tosses it from hand to hand, appreciating the way the morning light glares against the surface of the metal. The man wonders if ther...

A man is asked by his wife to go out and get ingredients for dinner

Being a little bit of a cheapskate he thinks of walking down to the beach with a bucket to collect snails.

As he's strolling down the beach picking them up the most beautiful woman in the world walks towards him. She stops and asks him about the snail picking. They hit it off and he's swept o...

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It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade...

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some
American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me
Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar, who
had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775,' he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by
t...

A guy goes into a restaurant for lunch.

After careful consideration, he decides he will have a bowl of the day's soup. The waiter praises him for his decision.

"Ah, excellent choice. The chef makes the soup fresh each day from only the freshest, locally-sourced ingredients. It is completely organic, and there are no additives or pr...

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An elderly woman is sitting behind two loud and boisterous Italian men on a bus.

The two men are drawing looks and glares from the rest of the riders, but aside from rolling her eyes from time to time, she keeps her thoughts to herself. The ride continues like this for awhile, until the woman hears the following exchange from one of the Italian men to the other:

"Emma com...

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A young kid from Alabama moves to New York

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
He sits down, greets the manager and shakes his hand.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid replies, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Alabama"
They talk and get acquainted and the...

A large man in dirty, tattered clothes walked into a five-star restaurant.

The maitre d tries to firmly reject him from the restaurant, but the man glares at him and growls "Oh, you're not going to let me eat? My father used to have people refuse to serve him, and if you don't let me in I'm going to have to do what he did when that happened".

The matre d fearfully s...

Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.

When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?..."

All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them s...

A couple go to a restaurant...

And when their food arrives, the husband says

"Wow, this looks great! Let's dig in!"

Without another word, he starts devouring his plate. Meanwhile his wife glares disapprovingly at him.

"At Home, you *always* say grace"

Swallowing, the husband replies.

"Honey, tha...

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[NSFW] 3 Ducks walk into a bar and order 3 beers.

When the 1st duck gets his beer he tells the bartender, "Thanks man, my name is Tom." The bartender says "Nice to meet you Tom! How's your day been?" Tom replies "Man! I have had the best day ever... I have been in and out of puddles all day long. Couldn't ask for a better day!" The bartender congra...

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An Old Jewish Joke (you might have heard it)

Hitler goes to see a fortune teller with a burning question. He enters her shop and sits before her.

"Fortune teller I have a question... when will I die?"

The fortune teller stares right at him and says without hesitation "You will die on a Jewish holiday"

Offended Hitler glare...

A man who is riddled with guilt confesses in a sms message to his next-door neighbor.

A man who is riddled with guilt confesses in a sms message to his next-door neighbor.

Dear neighbor, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife for some time now. It's been so good I have not been able to stop myself. Sometimes it's ...

[long] A kangaroo walks into a bar...

and says to the bartender, "gimme a beer." The bartender is stunned at the sight of a talking kangaroo and doesn't move. The kangaroo misinterprets this and says "I have money" while putting a $20 on the bar.

The bartender snaps to his senses and serves a beer. He takes the $20, then goes ...

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An elderly couple are rocking on their front porch. NSFW

All of a sudden the old lady reaches over and smacks the old man right out of his rocking chair.
The old man slowly gets up gets back in his rocking chair, after rocking a few minutes more he turns the old woman and asks "What was that for?"
"For having such a small pecker all these years!" sh...

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A young woman decided to get her eyes tested

A young woman decided to get her eyes tested as she'd recently been having trouble reading. So she books an appointment and goes in the following week. After waiting briefly she is ushered into one of the offices and is greeted by a middle aged man.

"How can I help you madame? " he asks her<...

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So a retiree decides to take a part time job as a Wal-Mart greeter...

...On his first day, this horrid lady walks in to the store, yelling horrible things at her two children. The man smiles, and she glares back. Undeterred the man continues to smile and says "Oh, I love your twins!" Of course, her children are at least two years apart, and while they share common ...

The best dog joke ever - credit to Sir Les Patterson

Woman takes her dog to the vet because it's having hearing problems.

The vet says "Its because it has so much hair in it's ears. Once a month, get some Nair and spread it in it's ears, it'll keep the hair growth down."

Sure enough the woman goes to the pharmacy to get some Nair, and w...

A man gets pulled over by a cop...

And he takes the man's driver's license. He reads it and looks back at the driver.

"It says here that you need corrective lenses", the cop said. "Where are your glasses?"

The man replies, "But officer, I have contacts."

The cop glares at him. "I don't care who you know."

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When I was a kid my brothers and I came downstairs for breakfast, my mom asked my youngest brother what he wanted to eat and he said “give me some goddamn fruit loops!” My mom flipped her lid and said get your butt back upstairs now!” And then asked my middle brother what he wanted and he said..

“I want some of those goddamn fruit loops!” Again my mom flips her lid and smacks my brother right in the mouth! She then glares at me and says “so now!, what do you want for breakfast?!” And I said “I sure as fuck don’t want any of those goddamn fruit loops!”

Lady brings a bunny into a vet's waiting room.

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there. "Sit, Fluffy," she says.

Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said sit, now there's a good Fl...

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American Woman on a train in the UK

An American woman boards a train in the UK. She sits down next to an English woman and decides to strike up a conversation with her.

"Hello, Miss. Where are you from?" she asks.

The British woman glares at the American and says, "From a place where we don't end our sentences in preposi...

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Little Johnny and his brother at breakfast

One morning, Little Johnny and his older brother Billy are about to have breakfast, when Billy says to Johnny 'You know what? It's time we started to swear in front of mum. Let's begin slowly and drop a few cuss words." Just then their mother calls them for breakfast. They troop down the stairs and ...

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[NSFW] Go home...

Bill the Giant, who's known to be a cruel brawler with a short temper sits at the bar.

A drunk, skin-and-bone old guy approaches Bill and grins, saying "I fucked your mom and it was so good."

People at the bar quickly move away not to be in the way of Bill's wrath but strangely, Bill s...

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"Hey honey, you've got a call!" says my wife sitting across the room with my phone on the table next to her.

"I'm a little busy babe, could you pick it up please?"

She obliges. "Put it on speaker", I add.

"Hey it's Laurel! I was calling to let you know I had a great time last nig-", my wife hangs up.

She glares at me as I shuffle nervously and demands, "Who the fuck is Laurel!?"
...

The one with a big hole and an anvil

So there were two hunters walking in the wilderness when one spots a giant hole.

"Holy guacamole, look out for that hole!" he says to the other hunter.

Noticing it, the second hunter has an idea. "I wonder how deep it is." he says, picking up a rusty anvil sitting on the ground and dro...

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NSFW A Welsh coal miner is met at the door by his obviously angry wife....

when he arrives still drunk from the weekend on Sunday morning.

She asked him: "Did you not get paid Friday for working all month?"

He replies (with a belch): That I did, my lovely woman!"

She glares back at him, "And how much of that month's pay do you have left?"

Barely...

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Old guy at a bar

An older gentleman is sitting in a bar drinking and checking out the younger women at the establishment. As he drinks his beer, he notices a younger guy enter the bar, take a seat, and order a drink. Shortly thereafter, he walks over to a young lass, and whispers in her ear, She smiles and they leav...

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A young punker gets on a cross-town bus.

He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his ear-rings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, d...

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Job Profile

The CEO during a site visit to the office asks a young Manager "Yes smarty, What do you do?"

Manager (calmly) : "Sir, I'm the Sexual Advisor to the VP."

Pin drop silence ensues, photographer stops taking pictures, all others stop working and start looking around.

The CEO looks ...

Bill is out campaigning with Hillary...

they stop for lunch in a small diner and when Bill orders, he says, "I'll have a quickie."

The waitress giggles and Hillary glares, but says nothing.

The next day, at lunch in a diner, Bill orders: "I'll have a quickie."
Same response.

The third day, Bill ordering lunch say...

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Fancy Toilet paper names

A big chief of a native american tribe had heard of a new invention of the white man called toilet paper, and he wanted to try it out so he sends a runner to a general store in town to buy some. The runner gets to the store and says "Need toilet paper for big chief.", to which the clerk replied, "Wh...

At the bar

A guy walks into a bar with a 12-inch man sitting on his shoulder

he orders a drink the little man runs down his arm and kicks the drink away

he orders again guy kicks it away again

The bartender says " Hey buddy what gives?"

Guy sighs and says " Well I rubbed a lamp and...

The first light bulb joke

Thomas Edison walks into the lab one morning to find his lastest attempt at making a light bulb smashed on the floor. He glares at all the lab assistants, but nobody will look him in the eye or admit who was at fault. Finally he exclaimed "OK, how many of you geniuses did it take to screw up this li...

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Assimilation.

Two Islamic men move to the U.S. and decide to get together for lunch. One says to the other, "Let’s make a bet and see who can assimilate into the American culture faster. We'll meet up again in three months and compare our experiences." His Arab compatriot loves the idea, and agrees.

When t...

Taxidermist

A taxidermist was traveling for a job in a rural area, and stopped off for a meal at a local bar and grill. After entering all eyes were on him, and he felt quite uncomfortable so he hurried to the bar to place an order to go, when he turned around he was surrounded with hillbillies glaring. The lea...

A string walks into a bar

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender glares at him and rudely tells him,
"Get to going strang! We don't serve your kind 'round here!"

The string gets up and leaves, but makes his way into an alley. He loops his body around and tugs his body together, and then he mus...

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Would I?

Neighbouring boys and girls school have their end of year dance.

A student from the boys school, from a poor family, lost his eye and was unable to afford a glass eye, so was given a wooden eye.

Obviously quite shy and retiring due to his 'defect' he sticks to the wall around the dance...

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A farmer with one cow lives in a tiny farm with his wife, and three sons.

One morning he stepped outside to milk the cow, only to find it stiff and unmistakenably dead in its meadow. The farmer drops down in despair.

'How am I supposed to support my family without our only source of income?', he exclaims. In utter disbelief he walks to the shed, grabs his shotgun, ...

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In Ice Age, Diego and his pack of saber tooth cats attack the human village...

...while the men are distracted, Diego sneaks into a hut to find the human baby. The baby is there tucked in his bed but before the predator can pounce the mother cave woman grabs her precious package, hits the beast and runs to escape.

Diego chases her and corners the helpless mother at the ...

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Breakfast for the twins

Jimmy and Johnny were a couple of rambunctious kids, always pushing the envelope and often getting in trouble.
One morning they woke up and went downstairs to find their mother in the kitchen. "What would you like for breakfast this morning, boys?" she asked.
Jimmy says, "How's about s...

There's this bartender . . .

It's the wild west and a bartender is behind the bar, polishing glasses and going about his normal day's work. Suddenly, a man bust through the saloon doors and yells, "y'all gotta get out of here! Big Bad Barts comin!"

Half of the patrons rush out the front, while the other half runs to the...

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A Professor is preparing her class for the their final exam...

The professor has finished going over the material for the exam and turns to her class before releasing them.

Prof: "Alright guys, this is the big one, if you don't pass the exam you'll fail the class. Also, you must be on time. Short of a sudden family death or extreme spontaneous illness, y...

Orchestra Joke

The orchestra one evening was playing a song that was noted for being on the lower side of the musical spectrum.

As they played through the night, the conductor would on occasion shoot an angry glare at one of the musicians.

After a few of these glares, the musician leans over to his ...

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Little boy comes running home to tell his mom he just saw daddy with another woman..

“Mummy, mummy, I just saw daddy parked up near the woods and he had that nice woman from the grocery store in the car with him”
 

“Really?? What were they doing?”
 

“Well, at first they were just kissing, then daddy put his hand in her shirt then they both took ...

A Chinese man goes into a bank ...

... to exchange some Chinese yuan for American dollars. The teller finishes counting the man's currency, looks up that day's exchange rate, computes the conversion and quickly counts out the American currency in twenties, "…140, 160 and" plunking down the last bill, "makes $180. Will that be all tod...

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Raider Hater

A little girl has her first day in a new school after moving from San Francisco to Los Angeles.

The teacher asks the class “How many of you are Charger fans?”

The whole class raises their hands except for the little girl.

Teacher asks “What is your favorite team?”

“The Ni...

as i get to the soda machine...

... I find a blonde already there. She puts in some change, makes a selection, and the soda pops out at the bottom of the machine. She then puts in more change, makes a selection, and again, another soda appears.

This goes on for several minutes and I finally ask if I could step in and get a...

A woman walks into a bar

and very loudly asks for a drink. She glares at the men drinking there, raises her arm and points around the bar. "Is there a gentleman here who'll buy a lady a drink?"

When she raises her arm, it is obvious she neither showers nor shaves her armpits. Most of the men look away, but one little...

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Seasoned hunter

A group of young men who are on a hunting trip stop at the lodge. They hang out at the bar, drinking beer and talking.

Suddenly an older hunter walks in and the patrons fall silent. Everyone stares at the man as he walks up to the bar, sits down and orders whiskey. The silence in the room is ...

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