Two blondes are walking and one asks, “ which is closer, the moon or Mississippi?” And the other responds, “duh...

... can you see Mississippi?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a pirate's favorite element?

Gold, duh. What the fuck is a pirate going to do with Argon?

A blonde’s neighbor’s house was on fire so she called 911.

The blonde told the operator, “My neighbor’s house is on fire!”.

The operator asked, “Where are you? ”

The blonde answered, “At my house”.

The operator replied, “No, I’m asking how do we get there?”.

The blonde said, “In a firetruck, duh!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where do pirates go to get high quality goods for almost no money at all?

You might think they’d go to Walmarrrrrt for their every day low prices.

Or maybe Tarrrrrrrget for the barrrrrrgains.

Or Ebayyyye to buy used goods from other mateys.

But they’re pirates.

They don’t go to the store to get things. They go to sea and fucking steal shit....

Two blondes are sitting in a room...

The first one picks up a small mirror, looks into it and says :
"Hey ! I know that person !"

The second one takes the mirror from her friend, looks into it herself and says :
"Well DUH... It's me !"

Why do people from Poland keep their stuff super shiny?

Well duh, they're Polish

One of the only jokes I know

What a cute bunch of cows!

It's not a bunch, it's a herd

Heard of what?

Herd of cows

Well, duh, of course I've heard of cows!

No, a cow herd

What do I care what a cow heard?





Sorry if it's lame

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A blonde orders a beer

A blonde orders a beer.

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So ...

A man is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and is at the million dollar question.

The question is "which of these birds doesn't build its own nest? a.the cuckoo b. the sparrow c. the eagle or d. the red-tailed hawk. He only has "phone a friend left", so he calls his friend and repeats the question. His friend immediately says it's the cuckoo. The guy asks if he's sure and he says...

A Blonde in a Fire

One day a blonde woman is in her house and she smells smoke then her fire detector goes off. She quick runs to the phone to dial 911. She explains to the dispatcher her situation. The dispatcher asked her “how do we get there?” The blonde replies “in a big red truck, duh.”

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I participated in a joke writing competition on this sub three years ago.

The mods laid out 4 simple rules quite clearly:

1. For the following two days, all posts on this sub would be considered as entries for the competition.

2. The post with the most upvotes would be declared as the winner, i.e., the best joke. The number of upvotes until the end o...

How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Duh, one. That’s light work for them.

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are talking about where they would go if they were astronauts.

The brunette says "the Moon. The Redhead says "Mars". The Blond says "The Sun." When the other two girls say she can't go to the sun as she'd get incinerated, she replies with "I'd go at night, duh!"

What's a panda's favorite cooking utensil?

A pan.. duh??

A father meets his son’s teacher.

« Sir, I’m afraid your son is a cheater », says the teacher.

« What? No ! What makes you say that? » responds the father

« Well, in the last math test, he had the same answers as his neighbour. »

« Yeah, that’s a math test, duh. There’s only one good answer, right? »

« In...

What's black, and white, and OBVIOUSLY belongs in NeverLand?

Pan, duh.

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The 5 Penny Joke

I have 5 pennies. I lay one on a table.

"Smell anything?"
I point to the penny.
"There's a cent."

I lay a second penny down.
"See any fruit?"
"There's a pair."

Third penny.
"See any cops?"
"There's three coppers right there."

4th.
"See any cars?"...

Did you know diarrhea is actually a hereditary disorder?

Duh, it runs in your Genes (Jeans)!!

Did you know that Irish people are very stingy with their money?

Well duh, why else would leprechauns hide their gold at the end of the rainbow.

"There are Five Cows on a farm"...

One mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a ...

I heard a policeman say "I'll never forget nine eleven"

And I thought "Well, duh, that's your phone number".

What is orange, about 70 years old, has caused enormous damage to the environment, and is a great embarrassment to the US?

Agent orange, duh.

Stouting

Bitoy: Why are you so stout?
Dagul: I have been an orphan ever since I was little.
Bitoy: How is that connected?
Dagul: Duh! No one helped raise me!

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A man is passing through a small town when he decides to visit the local bar.

He walks up to the counter where he notices a large jar filled to the brim with $5 bills. Curious, the man asks the bartender about the jar. The bartender tells him “here in our lil town of ours we ain’t got much goin’ on. So we decided to host a series of challenges here. Anyone can take on the cha...

Hey you! Over there!

Two blonde Karens were walking along opposite sides of a river. One shouted to the other “Hey you, how do I get to the other side of this river”? Back came the answer “Well DUH dumbass, you ARE on the other side of the river”!

A blond takes her goldfish to the vet.

"I think it's got epilepsy" she tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

The blond says, "Well DUH!!!, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

How does an elephant hide in a strawberry patch?

He paints his toenails red (duh). Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?!?

Two scientist walk into a bar...

The first one says to the bartender:

“I’ll have an H2O”

The other scientist says:

“I’ll have an H2O too”

The second one dies.

The first scientist freaks out and asks the bartender what should they do, he replies:

“Let’s barium”

*buh duh tssss*

Which bear is the most condescending?

A pan-duh!

Helen Keller

I ask my wife, "Why can't Helen Keller drive?"

She replies immediately, "Duh, because she's blind and deaf."

"No, it's because she's dead."



(Please comment your best Helen Keller jokes!)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bunk bed

A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend saying "Hey babe you wanna come over and have sex?" Girlfriend texts back "Duh!" So the girl goes over her Boyfriends house, and right before they get into it, he sets the boundaries. "Ok, so my little brother is home, and I have bunk beds. He's on the bottom bunk....

A dumb blonde was asked, "What item would you bring with you if went back in time?"

She said, "A calender from 2020, duh."

Buh, buh ,bible . . .

A man with a stutter answers an ad for "bible salesman wanted". He walks into the office and says " I wanna suh, suh, sell buh, buh, buh, bibles ! "

The office manager, holding back a laugh, replies "sure thing, just take this here box and go door-to-door until they are gone. Then come back f...

This actually just happened...

*Wife: I wanna get into coding.

*Me: Oh, that sounds fun. You might even earn some
money on the side while you're at home. What language
did you wana code in ?

*Wife: English. Duh!

Dad, what would I do if I were you?

What?

Panic!

Why panic? Would I panic?

Because we'd have swapped bodies, duh.

(credit goes to my daughter, I did not see that one coming)

In this age of Teslas and other eco-conscious cars, what would Jesus drive?

Duh, a Christler.

They say it's good luck for a seagull to poo on you.

It is, for the seagull, obviously, not for you. Duh.

A waiter is working and sees Jesus come in

Waiter: “Hello sir, welcome to our restaurant! What can I get for you?”

Jesus: “Hello Matthew. Today I would like a steak please.”

Waiter: “How did you... oh right, you’re Jesus! Duh. Anyways, how would you like that?”

Jesus: “Well done, good and faithful servant”

What would you do with a wombat?

Play Wom.

Duh.

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The Twelve-Inch Pianist (A Classic)

A man walks into a bar, reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a tiny piano and a little man. He places them down on the counter in front of the bartender as the little man starts playing a slow, reverent, and deeply moving rendition of the DuckTales theme song. After he finishes his musical masterp...

A blonde accidentally starts a fire and then calls 911

Phone operator: hello, what is you’re
emergency?

Blonde: Help my house is on fire!

Phone operator: please remain calm, how do we get there?

Blonde: in a big red truck, duh

What's older Jimmy, the sun or the moon?

Jimmy: Well duh, the moon; because it's allowed to go out at night.

The anti-vaxx couple could not understand why their 2-year old was crying

Everyone cries when they go through a mid-life crisis, duh.

Why does everyone choose 'x' as the go-to alphabet in mathematics ?

Duh, Because its easy to x-plane





*Fckin kill me already*

A man is walking down the street

A man is walking down the street clapping. A little girl stops him and asks: ,

,,Excuse me mister, why are you clapping?"

,,To scare the crocodiles away." says the man.

,,But there are no crocodiles here."

,,Well duh, because I'm clapping."

I think our solar system is highly underrated ...

... Seriously, just one star? Duh.

What do you call a sarcastic canine medical professional?

A dog, duh.

A blind guy had to go to court

The Judge says “Is everyone ready for the hearing?”

The blind guys stands up and says “Well duh, it’s not like I’m going to be doing any seeing.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college kid was hitchhiking through the hills of Scotland

A college kid was hitchhiking through the hills of Scotland, when, as is the custom in such areas, an unexpected rainstorm came up. Seeking shelter, he found an old stone pub with a light on, and stumbled in through the front door. The pub was painfully small, with just a handful of stools, a bark...

2 blondes are sitting on a bench in San Francisco...

One of the blondes says to the other. "Hey, which one is closer; New York or the moon?". The other blonde laughs at the stupidity of the joke.

"Well, duh! Can you see New York from here?"

I took Blondie to the movies

Just as the movie was about to start, she got up to leave.
"Where are you going?" I whispered. "The movie is about to start."
"I have to go outside," she said.
"Why on Earth do you have to go outside right now?"
"The movie man said to silence my cell phone," she pointed at the screen....

What animal should U always keep in the kitchen?

A Pan..duh !! Get it

Deb, a blonde, gets caught in a hailstorm.

And so she brings her badly dented car to the body shop. The mechanic decides to play a trick on her.

The mechanic, pretending to inspect the car says, "I see you got caught in yesterday's hailstorm. There's an easy fix for that. When you get home, just blow really hard on the tail pipe and a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde's year in review.

**January**

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

**February**

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....

Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

**March**

Got really excited......finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 m...

My board gamer friend said “I love Settlers”

Well duh, who else would marry him

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Winning Blonde !!!

A beautiful blonde walks into a casino and over to a soda machine and arrives there just before a business man who's come to quench his thirst. She opens her purse and puts in 50 cents , studies the machine , presses the Diet Coke selection , and out comes a Diet coke , which she places on a counter...

What type of phones do they use in jail?

Cell phones. Duh!

The Telegram

"Telegram"

Oh boy, I've always wanted a singing telegram!

"Oh, it's not a singing telegram, just a regular telegram"

Oh come on, you can sing it, can't ya?

"I really shouldn't"

How about for $5?

"Ugh... I don't think so"

$10?

"Sir..."

$2...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's long, hard, and has cum in it?

Cucumber, duh. What were you thinking?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Purina Diet

A friend of mine has a big Labrador Retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Walmart for him, a woman behind me in the checkout line asked if it was for a dog. (duh)
On impulse, I told her no. I explained that I was starting the Purina diet again, although I probably shouldn't be...

Who do ghosts worship?

Boo, DUH!!!

What does a 90s girl drink?

Like so-duh

How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

Walking duh... J.K. Rowling

Redditor 1: "What's the middle of the alphabet?"

Redditor 2: "Duh. It's LMN, OP."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blind Carpenter

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."The foreman says ...

What happens when you put an elephant in the refrigerator?

Answer:It becomes cold duh!

What happens you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

What people say:It becomes cold?

Correct Answer: You can't put it there, the elephant is already in there.


The Lion is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. ...

What's a 90's girl favorite drink?

It's like so duh

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