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Drinkin Jokes

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

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Chris Pratt, Jesus, and Hitler are sitting in a bar...

Jesus, Chris Pratt, and Hitler are sitting at a bar drinkin' a few brews.

Jesus says, "Hey we should all try and get in the Guinness Book of World Records!"

To which Chris Pratt replies, "Yeah, I bet I could get in it for most loved person in history."

Jesus then says, "and I be...

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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

An Irishman walks into an American bar

He sits down and orders 3 beers.

“You know, you don’t have to order these all at once - I’m happy to make them fresh,” says the bartender.

“Oh no, ya see,” replies the Irishman, “the extras are for me two brothers back in Ireland. We all order 3 beers so it feels like we’re drinkin tog...

Man walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey.

Man walks into a bar and orders three separate shots of whiskey. He solemnly drinks each one. The bartender asks why he needs the three separate shots, and why all at once.

"Well, this one's for me brother in Dublin. This one's for me brother in New York. And this one's for me. Seein' as how...

The Drunk and the Genie

An old drunk is walking down the beach and sees a lamp sticking out of the sand. Thinking he can pawn it for a little drinkin money he pulls it out and rubs the side to clean the sand off, when out pops a Genie!
"I will grant you Two Wishes!" says the Genie.
The drunk says "I want a bottle of ...

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A man moves out to far west Texas

A man moves out to far west Texas. He is busy at unloading his furniture from the truck he’d rented when he sees a cloud of dust faint on the horizon. After a couple more trips inside it has grown larger, and after about an hour he sees a battered and dusty pickup finally turning up his road, and sp...

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A Southern minister began preaching to his congregation about sin

"I know you've sinned, brothers, I want to hear you confess your sins so that you may be forgiven. Tell it all, brothers, tell it all!"

A man in the front row stood up and said "Preacher, I been drinkin'. I been going out on Friday nights and drinkin' with my sorry friends."

The prea...

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Typical vaguely racist bar joke [xpost r/forwardsfromgrandma]

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various Brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate."
Bob, CEO...

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Three Vampires Walk Into A Bar

They all sit on stools at the counter, and the bartender comes to serve them right away.


"What will it be gentlemen?"


The first Vampire asks for a half pint of blood, and after getting his, takes a sip and smiles wide, flashing his white fangs.


"What'll it be to you ...

A guy retires and moves to the country

After decades of working in a Post Office a guy decides to retire and move to the outback, where his nearest neighbour lives a kilometre away from him. One weekend, this neighbour visits the guy and invite them to his house for a party that evening.

“but I gotta warn you” says the neighbour “...

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A writer moves to a rural area so he can focus on his writing without distractions

After getting settled in he sits down to start writing and is immediately disturbed by a knock on the door.

He answers to door to find an old scraggly looking man in dirty overalls, with very few teeth, and a long unkempt beard. The old man looks very excited to see him.


Howdy ne...

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Joke from u/dirtydan156

This reminds me of a joke i heard.

A young city slicker from new york decided he wanted to get away from the big city and live a peaceful life out in the country running a farm. So he bought a little property with some fields and livestock. The first day after he moves into the new farmhouse,...

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Three men walk into a bar

An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman walk into a bar. They each order a beer. As the bartender places the three pints down, three flies land in them, one in each beer.

The Englishman pushes his pint away, saying "I will **not**
be drinking that."

The Scot says "I'll drink it, but I...

Buddy walks into a bar...

Buddy walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “What’ll it be, sir?”

Buddy says, “Pour me a double!”

The bartender gives him a double and buddy downs the drink.

Buddy says, “Pour me another double!”

The bartender gives him another double and buddy downs the drink.
...

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A guy moves to Alaska to get away from it all.....

After 6 months of isolation, he is starting to get lonely. On Dec 26th, there is a knock of the door for the first time. He opens the door to find a large middle aged man with a big beard and plaid shirt.

"I'm your neighbor from 11 miles down the road. I'm having a New Years Eve party and ...

The Patch

Two Texas rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said “Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a DPS roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!”

“Don’t worry, Bubba”, Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and...

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An Irishman walks into a therapists office...

**Therapist**: "So, what seems to be the problem, Mr. Andrews?"

**Mr. Andrews**: "I feel guilty. I start drinkin' at noon 'til the missus comes 'ome, then she berates me for drinkin' all day instead of findin' work. We argue for a while 'til I'm fed up an' head down to the pub with the ...

4th of July Alcohol puns: American Heroes edition.

So this all started with Abraham Drinkin.

Help us come up with more. It has to be a character from American History to celebrate today as well as some sort of alcohol theme.

Here's what we have so far (some are better than others) :

Abraham Drinkin

John Wilkes Booze
...

A hillbilly introduces himself to his neighbor

Hillbilly: "Howdy neighbor, I see you moved into the holler and as a welcoming gift, I wanna throw you a party. There will be a lotta drinkin, a lotta dancing, and a lotta screwing"

Neighbor: "Oh that sounds great, what can I bring?"

Hillbilly: "Well, you can bring anything you'd like...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers.

He shouts, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.
Paddy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and...

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A man moves out to the country....

City Joe moves out to the country to get away from the hustle and bustle of city life. After purchasing some ranch land he surveys the area from his front porch. Up his driveway rumbles an old pick up truck. Out steps a middle aged man in a cowboy hat and wranglers.

"howdy", he says, "ya see ...

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Neighborhood Hootenanny

A fella -- let's call him "Chad" -- moves out of the city and buys himself a nice big home in the country. He enjoys the fresh air and being away from the noise and traffic of the city, but it isn't long before he finds himself feeling bored and a little lonely. He decides to cure both by heading ou...

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It took us ages to get this joke... Want to have a go?

So the theme for my [House Warming Party](http://i.imgur.com/TaE9k.jpg) was "Puns" and everyone came dressed as a pun. I sewed boxes of smarties to my pants (hardy har har). [This guy](http://imgur.com/a/yWeqt#0) arguably had the hardest one to guess. Those are sprigs of thyme. They're in white ...

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The hillbillies new neighbor

So a guy from the city goes and buys himself a piece of property. He looks it over with the realtor and the realtor leaves and he's just standing there admiring the lake that's on his land and thinking about all the New freedom he has.

A hillbilly comes walking toward him and he's a little su...

Guy walks into a bar. (yes another one)

Guy walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila "line em up".
Guy starts slamming the shots one after the other.
Bartender says "Hey, slow down buddy!"
Guy says "No way, If you had what I had you'd be drinkin' this fast too."
Bartender says "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know. What have yo...

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panda

So this panda is tired of hanging around the zoo and decides one night, when his cage is accidently left open, that he's going to do what people do.

Being after dark, he's heads to the bar for some good 'ol fashion binge drinkin'

So this panda bear is sitting at the bar drinking some b...

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A Farmer in Cornwall see's a bloke drinking from his stream

He shouts, "Wozzon! Ee den wanna be drinkin dat, t'is fulla horse piss an cow shit".

The bloke says "I'm from london and just purchased a property in the village can you speak bit slower please".


The Farmer replies "If - you -use - two - hands - you - won't - spill - any"!!!!!

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2 Drunks in a pick-up truck

Are parked on a gravel road when they see the Sheriff pull in behind them. The passenger starts to panic but the driver says "It's cool man, just chug your beer, rip off the label, stick it on your forehead, and stash the bottle under the seat." So the sheriff gets to the truck door and sees 2 drunk...

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[NSFW] John is moving into a house in the country

John is moving into a house in the country. His neighbor, Paul, pulls down the drive way and greets John. Paul invites John to his house party the following week end.
"There's gonna be a lot of drinkin', a lot of fightin', and a lot of fuckin' goin' on," Paul tells John.
"Oh, okay" John replie...

A man rushes into a bar,

he orders up two shots of bourbon. As soon as the bartender puts them in front of him, the guy slams them down his throat.
"Two more!", the man requests.
The bartender, frowning, pours two more shots. Immediately the man downs both.
"Keep 'em coming - TWO MORE!", he demands.
The barten...

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten.

Now, the Missus was never too happy about it. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him.

As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin...

Bubba n' Buford II

One day Bubba n' Buford were drivin' down the Farm to Market road in their pickup drinkin' Lone Star longnecks n' chillin' out to Bob Wills "San Antonio Rose" n' low n' behold, they come over a hilltop and there's a DPS roadblock a stoppin' folks. Thinkin' quick, Bubba pulls over to the side a the...

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Jim made millions making and selling microbrew beer, and retires very rich on a farm away from the city...

...he happily lives alone for about 8 months when his closest neighbor, Mr. Johannsen, knocks on his door one evening in November.

"HELLO JIM, WANTED TO TELL YOU ABOUT A HOLIDAY PARTY I'M HAVING"

"Hey great, Mr. Johannsen, it's about time I get out and meet some people."

"WELL, ...

A hillbilly invites his new neighbor to a party...

he says "there'll be a whole lotta drinkin', dancin', and screwin'..."


His neighbor asks if he can bring anything.


Hillbilly says, "you can bring anything you want, just goin' be me and you..."

*credit to "Mad Men"*

A hillbilly knocks on the door of his neighbor's house...

"Howdy neighbor", he says. "In honor of you movin' in to the holler, I'm gonna throw a party. There's gonna be a whole lot of drinkin', a whole lot of dancin' and a whole lot of screwin'."

"Sounds like fun", the neighbor says... "what can I bring?"

Hillbilly replies, "You can bring any...

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A Guy, An Ostrich, and a Cat

Guy goes in a bar with an ostrich and a cat. He orders a beer for himself, a soda for the ostrich, and gin on the rocks for the cat. They drink their drinks, the guy pays with the EXACT change, the cat yells, "I'm not payin!," and they leave. The next day they all come back to the same bar, the g...

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A guy buys a ranch.

A city guy buys a ranch. He sits on the porch of his new house taking in the fresh country air when a dusty truck pulls up.

The man in the truck gets out. he's 7 feet tall, with a huge beard. " I came to invite you to a little Welcome to the Neighborhood party at my place tonight. "

"W...

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Hillbilly gets a new neighbor

Hillbilly knocks on the door of his new neighbors house.

"Howdy neybur, since yall are my new neyburs, i reckon i should throw yall a party at my house! There gon' be tons of drinkin, tons of dancin, and tons of screwin."

"Sounds good to me, what can i bring?" the new neighbor ...

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A homeless wino went into the doctors office for an infected foot...

The doctor treated the injury, but before letting him go, he asked his patient to stay for a small demonstration.

The doctor brought out a tray, which held a bowl of worms, and two glasses - one full of milk, the other of whiskey.

The doctor set the glasses on the table and told the wi...

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Welcome to the neighborhood

A fella working on Wall St. decides he has had enough of the rat race. He's made a lot of money, so he buys himself a piece of land way out in the boonies where his nearest neighbors will be miles away.

He's been living out there for a couple weeks, fixing up the old house and generally enjo...

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A city slicker moves to the countryside...

... and is visited by his nearest neighbor, the rancher who lives 5 miles distant.

The rancher says, "Welcome to the neighborhood! I'm having a party tomorrow, and you're invited."

The city slicker says, "Well, that's very very neighborly of you. Thank you."

Rancher says, "Thoug...

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A guy moves way way out to the country...

...miles from anything. One day there's a knock at the door, and he opens it to find a guy in full hayseed regalia, overalls, thermal shirt, the works.

Hick: "Howdy, new neighbor! Would ya like to come to a party at my place tonight?"

New guy: "Well, sure! I'm new to these parts, I su...

Bubba n' Buford

Bubba n' Buford were sittin' on their porch one afternoon drinkin' beer n' bein' entertained by the bug zapper when this semi haulin' sod comes over the hill n' passes in front of their trailer. Bubba declares, "When we get rich I'm gonna do that!". Buford, asks "Do what?". Bubba looks at Bufor...

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A stockbroker from New York decides to quit the big city . . .

. . . so he buys a ranch in Texas miles from everyone for some solitude.

After about 4 months, while he's clearing brush, a cowboy on horseback comes up.

'How doin. I have the ranch just next to ya. Heard you were the new neighbor."

"Yeah."

"I'd like to invite you to a p...

Why you don't want to drink too much beer.

A man walks into a bar one evening and has a seat. The bartender walks up to the man...
"Whatcha drinkin stranger?"
"Gimme anything except Budweiser." said the man.
Barkeep gives the guy a Coors Light and keeps to his duties. 10 minutes goes by and the man orders another drink.
"Anything...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a pirate.

A man strolls into his local bar and is shocked to see a pirate sitting at the end of the bar. The guy was decked out, eye patch, peg leg, and a hook hand. A real, proper pirate.

So the man says "why not?" And pulls up a seat next to the pirate. He buys a round for himself and the pirate and ...

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The party

Dan, a city man, decides to move to a small cabin in the mountains.

After 6 months of hardly any human contact, except for venturing into town for supplies, he hears a knock on his door.

He opens the door to find this big, surly, bearded man standing in front of him.

"May I help...

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Italian Honeymoon

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.


Giovanni said, “Hey Luigi, how was-a da treep?”

Luigi said, “Everyting was-a perfecto except-a for da train-a ride down.”

...

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A retired stock broker moves to the country

He buys a large plot of land and is living by himself for a few months when he gets a knock on the door.
The man answers the door and a large country boy is standing there.

"Muh name is Bubba, I'm your neighbor with the farm across from ya"

The man is excited as he hasn't really ...

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The Party

After his divorce, Jeff rented a cabin in Montana for the summer to write his first novel. He got up each morning, made coffee, and would go outside and sit by a stream before going back in and writing all day. One August afternoon he was startled by a knock on the door.

“Hey,” said the man....

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A college student does a semester abroad, and lands in the Shetland Islands...[this one benefits from a fine Scots brogue!]

He's doing some research into a certain strain of peat that grows up there in the harsh, cold Shetland climate, and he takes a plane to a boat to a small plane to a ferry, and arrives around midnight.

And nobody is there. Nobody at the ferry pier, nobody in the streets. He finds the address o...

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Redneck party

This guy moves from New York to a really backwoods part of West Virginia, where he's miles from anyone. After about 2 months on his own, there's a knock on the door. He opens the door to see this huge redneck with a massive beard and yellow teeth.

The redneck says "I'm yer neighbor from up ...

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So I moved into the country...

far away from civilization. At first I enjoyed the solitude; the city was over an hour away, and the night sky was magnificent!

Then I started getting lonely. It was a relief when, one afternoon, a knock came at the door.

"Ah'm yer naybor frm down t' way. Gonna be a party t'naht, yer i...

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The Mountain Man

Fred moves to the middle of the Rocky Mountains. There's not another living soul for miles as far as he knew. As he is unpacking his final belongings, he hears a loud knock on the door. He curiously opens the door and sees this tower of a man, about as big as they come. The mountain man looks at him...

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The Invitation

A writer decides to get away from it all so he can finish his novel undisturbed, so he rents an isolated cabin way up in the mountains and takes up residence in it. His closest neighbor is several miles away, but he does catch a glimpse of him from afar once in a while, when the neighbor is out hunt...

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A man spends his life working and living in New York and retires to the remote wilderness of Alaska...

His house is in the middle of nowhere. He had been living there for months and getting lonely when one day he was out on his property and a man came out of the woods...

"Hello there!" called the man, "Hows it going? You must be new to these parts."

"Yes I am" replied the retiree. "Do y...

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Bartender! Drinks please!

A young man walks into a bar, and sits down on a stool. "What'll it be?" asks the bartender.

The man looks him right in the eye and says, "I want you to line up 12 shots of whiskey on this bar, right now". The bartender complies, and the man goes through all of the shots, one by one, unti...

the greenhorn

A greenhorn comes from back east to try his hand at prospecting. He buys his gear and heads off into the hills. He has a couple of lonely weeks, with a little bit of success finding gold.

He's sitting by his campfire one evening when this crusty old prospector shows up and says "Howdy there...

An Irishman goes to an American bar..

He sits down and orders three beers. The bartender thought that was odd but serves him the beers which he promptly slams down and leaves.

He returns the next week and orders three beers again. Some of the barflies started to notice this behavior. This continued on for a few weeks until the b...

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Yet another Irish drinking joke

An Irishman with a penchant for coming home drunk after work every night is admonished by his wife every night as he comes in the door. Every night he just waves his hand at her and goes upstairs to pass-out until dinner is ready.

One night the wife decided she's had enough and would teach h...

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Mountain Man

Well Tom was a high powered business man and successful stock market trader, but he sure was fed up with life in the fast lane of New York City. Fed up with the hustle and the bustle. Fed up with the fickle market. But one night, sipping scotch, he realized that the root of all his problems was PEOP...

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An Irishman walks into a cozy Brooklyn pub....

And he nods to the bartender.

"What can I getcha?"

The Irishman says, "Three pints of Guinness please."

"Sure thing, I'll pour this first one, just lemme know when you're ready for beer number two."

"No, no," says the Irishman, "If it's not a problem, just pour all three...

What's Intelligence?

Joe and his buddy Jim are digging a ditch, while their foreman sits on a lawn chair in the shade, drinking lemonade. It's a hot day, and Joe starts wondering why the foreman isn't doing any of the work. "Hey Jim?" he asks. "How come we're down here digging the ditch, and the boss is up there, drinki...

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An American Man Moves to Scotland

Fed up with his life in the states he packs up everything he owns and moves to a tiny cottage in the far north highlands of Scotland. He lives there quietly content for over a month before meeting anyone.

One day the American hears a knock on his door and opens it to find his neighbor a big, ...

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A man that was recently fired from his job and divorced decided to move to the mountains.....

He decided to live a secluded and solitary life in the most remote regions of the Appalachian Mountainous he could find. His first year was tougher than he expected especially during the winter months, but he faired well all things considered.

On a warm day during the following spring, he was...

A rich Texan is on vacation in Ireland...

One of my oldest, one of my favorites, but I haven't seen it pop up since I've been subbed. But of course it's surely a repost. I like to put on the Texan drawl and Irish accent for this one...

After a long day of sightseeing the Irish countryside the Texan wants to relax and have a beer so...

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3rd Grade Classroom in a Chicken Farming Community

Miss Coral is a 3rd grade teacher in a rural community where almost all of the residents are chicken farmers. She decides to do a lesson with her students on stories with morals, and gives her students the homework of finding a story from their families that have morals.
The next day she asks ...

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Little Johnny is visiting his grandparents...

...during his summer vacation. The very first night after dinner he sees his grandpa enjoying a glass of scotch in his study. Johnny asks, "hey grandpa whatcha drinkin?" To which grandpa replies, "this is called whiskey Johnny." Johnny then asks, "can I try some?" With a smirk, Grandpa asks, "well, ...

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An old time prospector lives 50 miles outside of the only town for a hundred miles

This old timer is well known for only coming in to town once a year, to spend his money on whiskey and supplies, never to be seen again until the next year.

One year, he comes to town, heads straight for the bar, and tells the bartender "set 'em up, I'm celebratin'!"

After he knocks b...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub...

They each order a pint. Each has a fly land in his pint.
The Englishman pushes it back and asks for another.
The Scotsman simply plucks our the fly and continues drinking.
The Irishman grabs the fly between the wings and shakes it above the cup shouting "spit it out, ya bastard, spit it out...

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