UPJOKE

Drinking Beer Jokes

Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer than n...

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Three friends are chatting, drinking beer...

The first one says: "lately, I only have sex with my wife once a month..."
The second: "me--once a week..."
The third: "me—two, even three times a week!”
The first: “dude, come on! You don’t even have a wife!!”
3rd: “wait a minute, I thought we were talking about YOUR wife!!!”

WARNING: Men should avoid drinking beer

Beer contains phytoestrogens that increase the female hormone estrogen in men, lowering their testosterone levels.

In fact it has been proven that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

In a study 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed th...

What does necrophilia and drinking beer having in common?

Nothing like cracking open a cold one.

An Englishman, and Irishman, and a Scotsman are drinking beer in a cabin.

An Englishman, and Irishman, and a Scotsman are drinking beer in a cabin. The Irishman says "Excuse me a second," and steps outside for a few minutes. When he comes back in, he's drenched from head to toe.
The Englishman asks, "Is it raining outside?"
The Irishman says, "No, it's windy."

I have decided to stop drinking beer for good.

Now I drink for evil. Bwahahaha.

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Three muscular brothers are sitting at a table in a bar

A drunk old man is sitting at the bar counter and drinking beer.

After he finishes his drink, he approaches the youngest brother and says,

"I fucked ya mum"

The young brother is disgusted at the old man's words, but silently looks at the floor as the old man heads back to the co...

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Horse went to a bar and started drinking beer. He ended up drinking too much beer.

He then accidentally spilled beer of another guy sitting next to him. He apologized and said he’s gonna buy beer for him. The guy agreed. Horse had already ran out of money though. So he hides behind the counter and silently pissed on the glass and fills it up. He gives the glass to the man.
Af...

Two dogs are sitting at a bar drinking beer...

One dog looks around and says "you notice we're the only ones here with collars on?"

The other dog says "Dammit, we're at a Stray Bar!"

Two redneck guys were sitting on a dock in Georgia, drinking beer and fishing with their feet dangling in the water.

One guy said, "Oh no. An alligator just bit one of my feet off." The other guy said, "Which one?" And the first guy said, "How should I know? All the alligators look alike."

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A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, keep it inside, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.

He did this several times.

Finally, the bartender asks, "After you finish a beer, why do you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife?"

The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”

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NSFW Can your dick touch your asshole?

One day, a young boy saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. The young boy asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said the boy. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, the boy saw his gra...

the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness go to lunch.

So, the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness are all sitting in a restaurant. When the waitress comes over she takes their drinks order first

- 'Ill have a silver bullet' says the Coors guy
- 'Ill have the king of beers' says the Budweiser guy
- 'Lemonade please' says the head of Guin...

My wife crashed and smashed up the car today. She told the police that man was was on the phone and drinking beer.

The police said, "A man can do whatever he wants in his own living room. "

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So like, this guy was drinking beer and watching a basketball game on TV

while his wife was outside mowing the grass. He went out and asked "What are you going to make for dinner?" She said "How dare you ask me that! I'm doing all the work while you're sitting around. Pretend I'm out of town and make your own dinner!" So the guy cooked a T-bone steak and while he was eat...

I was drinking beer at the computer and spilled a whole can on my keyboard..

RIP.
We had some good times..

Good thing I had another one in the fridge.

Pete and Billy are sitting and drinking beer

when Billy’s dog starts licking his own balls. Peter admires that and finally says, “man I would like to be able to do that”
Then Billy says “that’s not a problem, just pet him a little bit first”

Two Labradors were sitting in a Bar , drinking beer

The first Labrador whispers to the other " I went to bed with your mother , last night "

The second Labrador ignored it and carried on drinking beer.

The first Labrador shouts this time " did you hear me ? I went to bed with your mom , last night ? "

The other Labrador shook h...

A man was filling his car up while drinking beer and later crashed

A forensic scientist, cop, and mechanic head to the wreck to determine the cause.

*"He was poisoned!"* said the scientist.

*"No! This was simply a case of drunk driving."* replied the cop.

*"You're both wrong! He crashed because he filled the gas tank with booze."* exclaimed the...

The lady who had crashed her SUV complained to the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a bottle at the time.

The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own garden!

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Two men want to get drunk...

But only have 10 dollars on them. The first guy turns to his friend and says, "I have an idea! Let's go to the deli and buy a salami." The friend is confused but goes along with the plan. They head to the deli, buy the salami and finally head to the bar. They start drinking beer after beer and befor...

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

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A teetotaling woman walks into a bar dead set on getting people to stop drinking. She sits next to an older gentleman drinking a beer.

The woman asks, "Excuse me, how many beers do you drink per day?"

"Usually about three."

"And how much do you pay for a beer?"

"Including tip? About $5 per beer."

"How long have you been drinking beer?"

"Oh, about twenty years, I guess."

"So, at three beers ...

Two Canadians are drinking beers in a bar. One of them gets up.

His friend asks him, "Where are you going." "To the bathroom," he replies. "Why?" "I pee, eh?"

After the Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender...

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A Turtle, a Grasshopper, and a Centipede are Drinking Beers

A turtle, a grasshopper, and a centipede are all sitting together drinking beers. They run out of beers, and the grasshopper says, "alright who's going to go buy some more some more?"

The turtle says, "I'd go, but it'll take me forever."

The grasshopper says, "I'd go but by the time I ...

A friend of mine suggested I stop drinking beer and drink hard liquor to lose weight

figured it was worth a shot, so I bought two

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The Redneck Joke

Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes." Jim Bob thinks it's a go...

The CEOs of Miller, Budweiser, Cours, and Guinness walk into a bar

The CEO of Miller says to the bartender, "I want the best beer you have, a Miller Lite."

"Oh no," says the Budweiser CEO. "Your head is on backwards. Me, I'll have the king of beers, a Budweiser."

"I'll have the only beer brewed with Rocky Mountain spring water," chimes in the Coors C...

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