Deck Of Card Jokes - 40 Hilarious Deck Of Card Jokes

I’m stuck in quarantine all alone with a deck of cards.

I guess you could say I’m in solitaire confinement.

Marriage is like a deck of cards..

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond, but by the end all you want is a club and a spade.

My doctor tells me that a healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Tonight I ate 52 slices of roast beef.

What's the difference between a deck of cards and England?

A deck of cards isn't missing a queen.

I ordered a deck of cards from Amazon and two weeks later it hasn't arrived.

Customer service told me they're dealing with it.

Always use a proper deck of cards

A little while ago some friends and I wanted to play poker but only had a set of tarot cards.

I got a full house and 3 people died...

I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino.

After four weeks they still hadn’t been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.

They told me they were still dealing with my order.

I have a fondness for "technically true" jokes, like these:

Did you know that the average person has an above-average number of legs? After all, most people have two legs, while a few have none.

Did you know that if you shuffle a deck of cards, the resulting order has likely never existed before in the history of the universe?

Eve...

They're playing with the largest deck of cards ever at this year's World Series of Poker.

It's a pretty big deal.

For my birthday, I got gifted a sticky deck of cards.

I'm having a hard time dealing with it.

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Three inmates on the way to prison…

Three inmates were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended t...

Which deck of cards does Professor Oak use for his poker games?

His poker decks.

stranded on a desert island

If I was stranded on a desert island I would take along a deck of cards. Because everyone knows after about 20 minutes of playing solitaire someone will come up behind you and tell you you're doing something wrong.

Me : "Doctor Doctor, I feel like a deck of cards"

Doctor : "Sit down, I'll deal with you later"

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I lent my deck of cards to an this idiot I work with, and he gave me only 51 back.

He was a jack-off.

A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."

I've lost all the aces from this deck of cards.

I just can't deal with this.

I bought a second hand deck of cards from a casino in Las Vegas, but after 4 weeks they hadn't arrived.

When I asked for an update, they said they were still dealing with my order.

If you are crossing the desert, be sure to take a deck of cards with you. If you get lost or break down, just start dealing solitaire.

Before you're halfway through the first game, you will hear a voice behind you saying "Red nine on the black ten"...

My friend offered to show me a magic trick.

"Sure," I said.

My friend pulled out a deck of cards, shuffled it thoroughly, then gave it to me.

"Pick a card, any card. Look at it, then put it back," he said.

I was suspicious, so I asked him if I could shuffle the deck, too. He agreed, so I shuffled it five times, cut the de...

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Three guys in a cell are just starting life sentences...

The first guy pulls out a deck of cards and says, "We're going to be here a long time, so when we get bored we can play poker."

The second guy says, "Great idea. I brought a harmonica, so when we get sad I can play a song to cheer us up."

The third guy pulls out a box of tampons. "What...

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The street magician

A street magician pulls out a deck of cards and asks a bystander to pick a card and memorize it. The magician then draws a card facing away so he can't see it and has his participant memorize that too. He shuffles the deck, cuts it, and pulls the card on top and asks "Is this your card?" The amazed ...

One thing I can’t deal with..

is a deck of cards glued together.

After hearing how dangerous Mexico is an American decided to see it for himself

He arrived there and went downtown with a deck of cards in his back pocket to see if anyone would attempt to rob him,
After walking around for 2 hours he noticed the deck of cards was still there.
He saw a homeless guy and came to him and said:
"well, people told me I was absolutely going t...

What has 13 hearts but no organs?

A deck of cards.

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Christmas

A man hands his girlfriend a small package on Christmas morning, the size of a jewelry box. The woman gets incredibly excited and rips the package open to find a deck of playing cards.

"What the fuck is this?" she yells and throws the deck of cards into the man's lap.

"What?" the man...

How can you get four suits for under $2.00?

Buy a deck of cards.

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At the asylum

A Dr. Is doing the rounds in an insane asylum one night.

He walks into the first patient's room and sees him playing with modeling clay.
The Dr. asks him how he's doing.
The patient replies "Doc I'm molding with clay. It's therapy. I feel much better!"
The Dr. says "Good. You should...

Marriage

Dad pulled this one out of nowhere while watching a married couple argue on tv last night...

'Ahh marriage - it's like a new deck of cards.

At first, it's all diamonds and hearts.

After a while, you'll be looking for a club and a spade!'

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3 men are off to prison, and they can each bring one item with them

The first mentions his carton of cigarettes. Not only can he smoke it, but he can trade it too.

The second mentions deck of cards. It has always helped him pass the time, and jail is definitely no exception.

The two guys look at the third, who is just quietly staring off into the dista...

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Two soldiers

Two soldiers were stationed at a secret base on Greenland. The only entertainment they had was a worn out deck of cards and as time went on the two soldiers became bored with the cards, so to keep them selves entertained they started doing dares to each other.

At first it started out easy lik...

It's my wife's birthday soon.

She said she wanted something with diamonds so I got her a deck of cards.

When the computers crash at work.

A wife asks her husband how his day at work went. “It was awful,” the man explains, pouring himself a stiff drink. “All of our computer systems shut down today so we had to do everything manually.”
“That sounds awful,” the wife consoles.
“You’re telling me,” he replies after a sip, “I had to k...

A man is in a plane crash and washes up on a deserted island...

He's there for weeks, and is nearly losing hope. Finally one day, a box floats up onto the beach: RESCUE KIT. He's ecstatically excited, thinking he's finally free. But when he opens it up, all there is is a deck of cards. He breaks down sobbing, thinking "How ridiculous! What kind of rescue kit is ...

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3 guys are on a bus going to prison. Each of them were allowed to bring 1 item from home.

3 guys are on a bus going to prison. Each of them were allowed to bring 1 item from home.

They're discussing what they are bringing with them to prison. The first guy says "well, I bought a deck of cards. I figure I can play solitaire when I'm bored, I can gamble to make money in there, and l...

A friend of mine hosted a party to help him get over his girl friend dumping him.

Three of us showed up. I brought a deck of cards,and suggested we play a game.

He refused, saying we needed to wait for atleast one more person to show up.

No wonder his girlfriend dumped him. He hated four play.

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A magician was performing on a cruise ship

A magician was doing a show for passengers aboard a cruise ship. A part of his act was his pet parrot, who would entertain guests by talking. However, the parrot was being particularly difficult that night.

The magician held up an ordinary cloth, and with a flick of the wrist, it was gone...

A hobo got robbed

A hobo had been robbed and beaten into unconciousnes.
When he woke up he checked about his person for damages and missing items, and found that all injuries were superficial but he had lost all his belongings.
He stormed into the nearest police station.

"I want to report a robbery! al...

A blonde, brunette, and a red head go to summer camp and they can only bring one thing..

The red head brings a deck of cards, to keep herself entertained.

The brunette brings her homework, to get it done and live stress free.

The blonde brings a car door, so she can roll down her window if she gets hot.

Doctor...

Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good! If you tell him you want a second opinion, He'll go out and come in again.
~~~~~
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.
~~~~~
Another time, he gave a patient six months t...

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