UPJOKE

You Lose Jokes

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour, have a heightened sense of self-importance.

In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

What does it mean when you lose a shoe but still survive?

You’re a sole survivor.

If you lose your pizza cutter, use a Bryan Adams CD

It cuts like a knife

Remember if you lose a sock in the dryer....

....it comes back as a Tupperware lid, that doesn't fit any of your containers.

If you lose your sense of smell due to Covid, here's a simple fix.

Just reset to olfactory settings.

This simple change in lifestyle will help you lose 2 pounds every week!

Just invest in the British stock market

Did you hear about the Italian chef how created the popular Italian dish that actually helps you lose weight?

He was awarded the No-belly pizza prize.

What happens when you lose you attention span in school

You gain your detention span

What Type of Drink Makes you Lose Weight?

Lighter fluid

If you lose your left arm,

your right arm will be left.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you lose your virginity?

Mark: Actually, yes.

Chad: Really? With who?

Mark: You know that girl I dated last month? That curly long hair, green eyes, soft skin, amazing body?

Chad: Yeah, good jo...

Mark: Well, I fucked your sister.

If you lose your hearing,...

is it ear replaceable?

You look awesome! Did you lose weight?

Did you just call me fat and ugly retrospectively?

Here's an offer. For every sock you lose,

DOBBY IS FREE!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man was having an affair with his Nympho secretary, and lost track of time.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demande...

What's something you lose when you beat it?

No Nut November.

Jesus was wandering the desert, when he met an old man.

"What brings you to the desert?" asked Jesus.

"I'm looking for my son. I lost him many years ago."

"How did you lose him? What happened?"

"I had one son- not by birth, by a heavenly miracle. He had tremendous struggles with temptation. At one point, he even died, and came back ...

Dentist: How did you lose your three teeth?

Patient: "My wife prepared the pancakes and they were very hard to eat."

Dentist: "Then you could have refused to eat them."

Patient: "I did refused to eat them. Hence, I lost my three teeth."

How do you lose 12 stones of unsightly fat for the new year?

Divorce her....

Why can’t you lose in a threesome with Vietnamese twins?

Because it’s a Ngyuen-Ngyuen.

What do you when you lose your favorite tree?

Staple a photo of it to a nearby dog

If you lose your license take all the shock absorbers off your car.

Then you won't be driving on a suspension.

We are launching a Food App that will help you lose your weight

You'll order but we won't deliver.

Can getting struck by lightning help you lose weight?

The answer may shock you

You win some, you lose some

But nothings better than getting some.

I was walking down the street today, and noticed a woman screaming at her son. How do you lose a cello, it's as big as you are? Where could you have possibly lost it, tell me or so help me.

I walked up to the woman, and said for the sake of your son, please do not resort to violins.

Did you know LSD can make you lose weight?

Because you can't get to the fridge if there's a dragon guarding it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the similarity between a bank and sex?

In both cases, you lose interest after a withdrawal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How much weight do you lose after having a wisdom tooth taken out?

A molar mass.

I found this great new dieting plan that's sure to make you lose a lot of pounds

It's called Brexit

Strip poker is the only game where the more you lose...

...the more you have to show for it.

I got my wife an amazing new lipstick that makes you lose weight.

It's called "Superglue".

What do you do when you lose your Kia car?

You go Soul-searching.

In basketball, what is it called when you lose due to a wildly thrown buzzer-beater?

Defeat-us by yeetus

In most of the country, if you lose your khakis you have no pants...

But in Boston, if you lose your khakis you can't start your car.

Son asks "Dad, do you die if you lose your head?"

Dad responds "That is a no-brainer"

How do you lose 30 pounds in 1 Minute?

Go to England and buy something

What rapper never wins, but makes you lose?

The Game

There’s a recent article with the headline “Why Exercise Won’t Help You Lose Weight”...

...looks like something a fat person would write.

What do you call a chess blunder where you lose your castle?

A Rook-ey mistake.

If you lose your fingers your girlfriend basically turns into a truck with no battery...

You can’t turn her on so she demands to be toed.

How do you lose your wife, your kid, and your job in one week?

Become the White House Communications Director.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross Willy Wonka with stolen fizzy lifting drinks?

You get *NOTHING*! *YOU LOSE*! *GOOD DAY, SIR*!

What's the most important meal of the day to help you lose pounds?

Brexit

What's not there when you get into an argument, but there when you lose the argument?

The door.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man decides he wants to meet his grandson before he dies

He lives in the wilderness like a hermit so he hardly ever meets anyone. So he invites his young grandson over to mark one item off his bucket list. His grandson arrives and notices his grandfather is scarred all over and missing some of his limbs, most noticeably one of his hands.


"Ho...

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