UPJOKE

Play Poker Jokes

Never play poker with a toilet

They get too many flushes

Why does King Charles play poker in the bathroom?

Because nothing beats a royal flush.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poker is like sex

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand

Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner

Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes pu...

Why should you never play poker with a crocodile?

You will lose every hand.

Why can't a pirate play poker?

He sat on the deck

What do you call it when some dead cows smoke weed and play poker?

High steaks

All the pets decide to play poker

The hamster cuts the cards. The dog deals them. Everyone picks the cards up but the cat.

Everyone antes up but the cat.

The fish looks at the cat and says, "Are you in or out?"

Cat:

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Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison.

The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, “Don’t worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time.”

The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, “I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we’re feeling dow...

Why should you never play poker in Africa?

Because there are so many cheetahs!





^(Sorry I know this is super cringe)

Why shouldn't you play poker with really fat people?

Because they're going to fold a lot.

Poker-playing dog

So there's a traveling salesman who loves to play poker. Every town he visits, he manages to find a game.

One night he's led to the back of a saloon, and seated among the locals is a German Shepherd. The guy is surprised to see a dog at a poker table, but the dog appears to be very well behav...

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Three inmates on the way to prison…

Three inmates were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended t...

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I'm teaching my friend to play poker...

...but he came to me yesterday with a problem. He says "I've been trying to play at the casino and I swear I just can not get away with a bluff for the life of me. It's like they know what I have every time"

Considering myself to be a pretty decent teacher, I think that's strange, so I go ove...

Never play poker with lepers.

They always throw their hands in.

Why do so many deadbeat dads love to play poker?

It’s the only time they can call or raise anyone without feeling obligated to follow through.

I asked the caveman if he wanted to play poker

He said:

"Deal, me in!"

My wife and I figured out a way to play poker with Uno cards

Total game changer

You never want to play poker with Vlad the Impaler

A lot is at stake

Why can't origami masters play poker?

Because they keep folding

I play poker with my best friend's wife every weekend.

He seems fine with it, but I suspect he doesn't know what I use to poke her.

This guy went to play poker with his buddies

After a while, it started pouring outside, thunderstorm and what not. The guy, who walked there, asked his friend - how will I get home now? His friend's wife tells him it's not a problem, he should just spend the night there and go straight to work the next day. The friend and his wife get ready to...

Why wouldn't the Baker play poker with the tall Butcher?

The stakes were too high.

Warning: Never play poker with Tarot cards...

I got a full house once and 4 people died

A 10-year old boy heard some screaming and rustling coming from his parent's room...

Thinking there is something wrong, he rushes in and sees his dad sweating and panting, and his mom turning red with embarrassment.
"What are you doing?" Asked the boy.
"Playing poker." Replied the dad.
"Oh, but what's mom doing here?"
The dad thinks about it, and replies, "she's my wild...

A priest, a rabbi and a buddhist monk...

A priest, a rabbi and a buddhist monk get arrested for illegal gaming. They get in front of the judge. He starts questioning the priest first, "Did you play poker yesterday?"

The priest mumbles a quick lord forgive me and answered "No".

The judge turns to the rabbi and asks him, "Did y...

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Jack rings the boss one Friday and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick"

so the boss says OK and Jack turns up as normal on Monday. Next Friday though Jack rings in again and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick". This pattern repeats every week for a couple of months and eventually the boss calls Jack into his office and asks him what's the matter.

"Well...

My friend was mad at me because I ate all the chips at her party

I'm no longer welcome to play poker with them

I'll see your dad joke an raise you one

Why don't they play poker in the jungle?

Too many chee-tahs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young seminarian gets a tour of the church…

The priest touring him goes to the first room and says, “on Mondays, this is where we drink and smoke cigars.” The young seminarian replies “oh no father, I don’t drink”. The priest shrugs it off and then shows him the next room, “this is where we play poker and blackjack on Tuesdays” the seminarian...

Dogs and poker

Why cant dogs play poker.




Because there tail waggs when they get a good hand

Always use a proper deck of cards

A little while ago some friends and I wanted to play poker but only had a set of tarot cards.

I got a full house and 3 people died...

My husband cheats and he beats me.

I don't want to play poker with him anymore.

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