This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher asks the class to use the word contagious in a sentence.

The first kid says" We all have to wear masks because coronavirus is **contagious** ". Teacher says well done. Second kid says "I couldn't play with my friends all summer because I had chickenpox, which is **contagious". Teacher says well done again. Little Billy gets up and says" We've got a man ...

What did the Black death say to Coronavirus?

Well Plagued!

In April 2021, India was struggling with the coronavirus.

Prime Minister Modi was really concerned, and so he decided that it would be a great idea if he appointed a "Minister of Virus Control." He was considering many of the country's top doctors to fill the position, and eventually, he said that he would tell the public who he appointed on April 25th....

I decided to shoot up a bunch of kids today

I always feel so good giving out free coronavirus vaccines…

The pandemic comes, and the country is in lockdown.

The coronavirus is killing tens of thousands.

Early on, a scientist says ***"Keep your distance and wash your hands regularly."***

The fellow shouted back, ***"No, it's OK - I don't need to keep distance, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."***

The pandemic rages on. ...

Chuck Norris came into contact with the Coronavirus

The virus is now in quarantine for at least 14 days.

Over 100 Coronavirus cases have been reported on the British Navy's flagship HMS Queen Elizabeth.

Other ships in the fleet have been told to keep their distance as it's a carrier.

People always say "why weren't we able to predict a disaster as big as the coronavirus?"

But not everyone has 2020 vision.

Now that I am vaccinated I can joke about Covid

Here are a few.

———————

Day 251 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

———————

Nail salons, hair salons, waxing centres and tanning places are closed. It’s about to get ugly out there!

———————

What’s the best way...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's Coronavirus strategy

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologist had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.    Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring unde...

Two drunk people are sitting at a bar having an argument about Coronavirus.

The first one says "You're just trying to scare people. You don't know anything."

The second replies, clearly fed up with the first, "I'm a doctor! I'm paid to know these things, I have a PhD and everything!"

The first one slurs back, "Well ***I*** have a ***DhD.***"

The second...

A vaccine has been released for the Indian coronavirus variant

It’s called the Punjab

Did you hear the joke about coronavirus?

Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around!

What's the favored drink among coronavirus victims?

Coughy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nine medical tests you can do yourself.

Wander into the back garden and piss on your neighbor’s fence (again).

If it dries quickly, you have high sodium (salt) levels and pending heart problems.

If it attracts ants your sugar level is too high and you might be diabetic.

If your piss is dark and of limited quantity, yo...

Now that we’re almost done with the Novel Coronavirus,

When can I expect the movie adaptation

Homeless man tells the tale

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, “Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I ...

How do you know coronavirus is male?

Because if it was female, they would have killed it when it was born in China.

Why do people think Vampires have Coronavirus?

Because they’re always coffin.

I'll tell you a Coronavirus joke now

But you'll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pornhub now has a category for Coronavirus videos

It's for sick fucks.

They say Covid-19, the novel coronavirus is one of the worst things that's happened in recent years

But if you think this is bad, just wait till you see the movie adaptation!

The spread of the Coronavirus is based on two factors

1. How dense the population is
2. How dense the population is

What's the difference between Covid-19 and 'Romeo & Juliet'?

One's a coronavirus; the other's a Verona crisis.

I tried to lighten the mood at a party with a coronavirus joke.

Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.

I made a coronavirus joke on r/Jokes

It went viral

Why did the water jump into the freezer?

Because it caught coronavirus and had to self ice-olate!

(made up by my 7 year old!)

Your mom is so ugly that. . . .

The entire world created a virulent strain of Coronavirus just so she'd wear a mask.

And she's so dumb, she thinks that masks aren't effective.

Jesus, why did you let me die of coronavirus?

He ignored the lockdown order because “Jesus will protect me” he did not accept a mask because Jesus will protect him. He refused the vaccine, because Jesus will protect him. Then he died of Coronavirus and met Jesus. “Jesus, why didn’t you protect me!?”
Jesus responded, “First I put lockdowns in...

What do you call it if a jackdaw catches Coronavirus?

Crowvid-19

Here's the thing. This joke depends on the idea that a "jackdaw is a crow."
Is it in the same family? Yes. No one's arguing that.

As someone who is a scientist who studies crows, I am telling you, specifically, in science, no one calls jackdaws crows. If you want to be "s...

man coronavirus is real..

you gotta start using UDP over TCP to avoid handshake

Two symptoms of coronavirus are brain fog and irritability

I’ve just realised I’ve had long covid since about 2001

If I get the UK variant of coronavirus will my cough sound different?

Like instead of COUGH COUGH UGHH is it more like AHEM ERM His Majesty David Beckham has come to take your spices and subjugate your people AHEM AHEM

Why is Ant-Man immune from getting coronavirus?

Because he has an anty-body!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John Travolta tested negative for Coronavirus last night.

Turns out is was just a Saturday Night Fever.

I went to the Chemist today.

I asked the assistant 'What gets rid of coronavirus?'

She replied 'Ammonia Cleaner.'

I said 'I'm sorry, I thought you worked here.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you say when Coronavirus knocks on your door?

Fuck-cough

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When all is said and done it'll probably be safe to trust the coronavirus vaccine made by Pfizer...

Pfizer makes Viagra. If they can raise the dead, they can certainly take care of the living!

Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Coronavirus. You can't be here until you get tested"

Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"

Coronavirus ruining your plans for 2020? Save them for 2022!

Cause 2022 is 2020 too.

I took my gf to the bar, but she went home with...

... the coronavirus.

I'm so depressed, my throat is aching from crying and I'm losing my sense of taste and smell

Coronavirus really changed my Tour of Italy...

... the waitress at Olive Garden had to bring it out to my car.

Yo momma is so ugly.....

Walmart started requiring her to wear a face mask 10 years before they even heard of coronavirus.

I told my suitcases that we wouldn't be going anywhere this year due to the coronavirus.

Ive been having to put up with a lot of emotional baggage.

Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti.

Motel Coronavirus

Motel Coronavirus



On a dim dreary morning

Ceiling fan stirs the air

Stale beer and Doritos

Littered next to my chair

Just outside of my window

Saw a glimmer of light

My eyes were bloodshot and my head pounding

I hadn't slept all last ni...

I honestly hope President Donald Trump gets better.

And I hope he recovers from Coronavirus as well.

What goes well with Coronavirus?

Lime disease

^I'll ^^see ^^^myself ^^^^out

Wow, my ex must have a severe case of the coronavirus.

I just got a notice from a judge saying to stay at least 50 feet away from her!

I wish the Coronavirus started in Fight Club

Because what happens in Fight Club stays in Fight Club

My First Joke

My brother created a drinking game. You watch the news and drink every time they mention the coronavirus. He ended up dead. They put it down to coronavirus...

If coronavirus isn’t about beer...

why do I keep seeing cases of it?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hope coronavirus can't spread through sex...

I would be lonely to be the only person on the earth...

Did you hear about the coronavirus infection rate spiralling out of control in the Irish capital?

It's Dublin.

Trump in his first speech after recovery from the coronavirus: "I wanna thank all of you for your prayers..."

Makes me wonder why. They obviously weren't answered.

This is the first year that we didn't go to Hawaii because of coronavirus...

Every other year we don't go because we can't afford it.

The Trophy Maker (OC - long)

Old Rick Giuseppe was a fifth-generation trophy maker – like his father, grandfather, great grandfather and great great great grandfather before him. Alas, Old Rick Giuseppe’s wife had died a few years ago, and the man lived in solitude, apart from a cat named Jeffery, who was his late wife’s belove...

How do you know when a moron has contracted the Coronavirus?

When he stopped tweeting and went to Walter Reed.

They actually didn't test Trump for Coronavirus...

It was his lack of taste that gave it away.

In Soviet America

Coronavirus handles administration

President Trump has reportedly contracted coronavirus

Finally, something positive about Trump.

The President of the United States Donald Trump and First Lady Melania have tested positive for the coronavirus

This is also probably the first and only time ever that Melania has been or will ever be positive around Trump

Can't believe trump tested positive for covid-19

when all he had to do was to not get tested.

>!Man. Woman. TV. Coronavirus.!<

Why did everyone have Covid-19 at the KPop concert?

Because a symptom of Coronavirus is lack of taste.

Trump couldn't find the cure for the Coronavirus...

But the Coronavirus may have found the cure for Trump.

Trump was tested for the coronavirus

On the bright side he is on the news as positive for once

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the recent cutbacks caused by the coronavirus Bruce was told he had to terminate one of his compliance managers.

Alice and Jack we're both exemplary employees and he honestly had no idea which one he would get rid of, but being an honest man he decided he'd speak to them both ahead of time thinking that it might help him make his decision. He called in Alice first and he said listen, I've either got to lay you...

How do you get 46 out of 25?

Coronavirus.


To explain: The 25th amendment will result in the 46th president if the 45th president succumbs to coronavirus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English father sits his son down to talk

English Father: Son, have you tested positive for Coronavirus?

Son: No dad

English Father: Do you have any of the symptoms

Son: No dad

English Father: Do you have a cough?

Son: No dad

English Father: Do you have a runny nose or congested nose

Son: No...

They say that coronavirus kills you...

But we polled 25,000 Americans and not a single one had died! Who needs masks?

It’s going to be dangerous to trick-or-treat this Halloween due to the coronavirus pandemic.

The only way you’re getting candy from a stranger this year is by putting on a mask and going to the grocery store.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fellow stuck in a coronavirus outbreak prayed to God for help.

Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!”

The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on.

Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!”

The ...

All countries eventually got Coronavirus...

But China got it right off the bat

If Biden is elected, I stay in the country

If Trump is reelected, I stay in the country.

This is not a political post, I just can't leave because coronavirus.

My orthodontist warned me to expect disruption to his services, owing to the coronavirus pandemic.

“Brace yourself”, he said.

As a kid, I used to complain about my sister "breathing my aaaaaair!"

My complaints are more founded now that she has coronavirus.

[OC] A man wakes up one morning not feeling well.

He decides to go and see the doctor because he has some symptoms he’s heard are related to the virus all over the news. On the way to his appointment, his car breaks down and he has to walk the rest of the way. He’s exhausted by the time he finally arrives at the Doctor’s office, 15 minutes late....

A couple of good covid jokes I've heard

1. I dont know anything about Coronavirus other than if you have it; you get an undeniable urge to go the airport.
2. By the point most of the world has been exposed to covid 19, but the people in Wuhan got it right of the bat.
3. You know why I think coronavirus wont last for more than a year...

What can the Coronavirus do that the US government can't?

Stop school shootings.

Why can't ants get coronavirus

Because they have little anty-bodies

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your boss tests positive for the Coronavirus...

Does that mean all the ass kissers in the office have to get tested as well?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Japanese man say when he got infected by coronavirus

CORONANI ??!!

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus. Two days later, he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?

Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her w...

Russia claims to have found a coronavirus vaccine...

I'm not putin that in my body!

How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

Why don't ant-eaters get Coronavirus?

Because they contain lots of little antibodies

Trump was rushed to the hospital after learning that 3 Brazilians died from the Coronavirus

Lying in the hospital bed his face still white with shock, he finally got the courage to ask shakily and in a quiet voice, “How many people is a brazillion?"

Guys, I don’t know about this novel coronavirus.......

I was never much of a reader, I think i’ll wait for the movie.

Why is coronavirus so bad in India?

Because there are Sikh people.

The moment we find out dogs really could sniff out coronavirus infections...

We'd ask WHO, let the dogs out! WHO! WHO!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my girlfriend caught coronavirus I broke up with her.

The only micro-organism she's allowed to have inside of her is my penis.

I suspect there is some truth in this...

Doctor : The patient died due to the coronavirus

Relatives : It wasn’t the virus,he had a heart attack

Doctor : Really, why did he have a heart attack?

Relatives : He was really upset and was continually under a lot of stress

Doctor : I see. Why was he upset?

...

Other magicians begged him to tell

But the masked magician never revealed how he avoided getting coronavirus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Coronavirus is just like pasta...

Chinese invented it,

Italians perfected it, spread it throughout the world,

Americans fucked it all up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Be very careful of the latest scam.

If anyone knocks on your door and says they need to stick their finger up your arse to test for coronavirus, it's a scam.

I feel so fucking stupid now..

Unlike other countries, Syria, despite all their problems, did manage to get their people to be aware of public hygiene and satefy during coronavirus.

Maybe because they already knew what Damascus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't Chuck Norris wear a coronavirus mask in public?

He does.
Because Chuck Norris isn't an asshole.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

- Coronavirus

Coronavirus wh...*cough* *cough* *cough*

I was supposed to go to a Salt N Pepa concert next week.

But because of the coronavirus they decided to push it.

Lines for urinals have become an an increasing problem in containing the coronavirus.

So mind your pees in queues.

Health Education

Appropriate analogy: “The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” = “The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now”.

There are two critical factors in the spread of Coronavirus. 1. How dense is the population. 2. How dense is the population.
...

What do you call a painter with Coronavirus?

Van Cough

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my doctor when we could anticipate an end to the coronavirus epidemic

He said “I don’t know. I’m not really into politics.”

What should Quentin Tarantino do if he's tested positive for coronavirus?

Tent-in Quarantino.

They say coronavirus came from China.

I am not buying it, no one can sneeze that hard.

Waking up just in time for the election

William Holsfermeyer was frozen in 1990, waiting for a cure for his fatal condition. The doctors chose Independence Day to bring him back.

\-Mister Holfsermeyer, can you hear me?.

\-Mmmmfpppffff!.

\-Yes, yes!. That is good. Let me remove the tube from your mouth. Better now?....

Herman Cain is going to find out about the Coronavirus 5x5x5 plan.

Positive test within 5 days of TrumpRallyTulsa

He spread Coronavirus to least 5 of his friends

He only has 5 minutes left of his 15 minutes of fame

If the Coronavirus really was made in China, we don't really have much to worry about...

...it won't last long.

Michael J. Fox has contracted coronavirus

Contact tracing shows he got it from shaking hands

What would be the scariest coronavirus costume?

One without a mask

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