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Cobwebs Jokes

Looking Good

My face in the mirror isn’t wrinkled or drawn.

My house isn’t dirty. The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn.

I think I might never put my glasses back on.







Edit: Wow, Thank you for the upvotes and also thanks for the award...

The other day, I was cleaning out the attic with my wife. Filthy, dirty, covered in cobwebs...

but I still married her

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

Upon arriving at the pearly gates, Jesus said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really think you'll like it here."

Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how H...

Visiting Nan's for Halloween

Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.

She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

in an art competition they asked the competitors to draw a picture representing famine around the world

the 3rd place award went to a picture of a child next to a piece of bread but can't reach it for he is too weak to even move, symbolising their suffering and their weakness.

2nd place went to a picture of a child so thin and so weak lying on the ground and a crow a couple of meters away waiti...

I cleaned out the attic with my friend yesterday

Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of his hair!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 students at a high school get into trouble and are put on detention after school.

But instead of just sitting in a classroom they are tasked with helping the school Janitor clean the school basement.

So they set about clearing the basement. They find loads of old junk, which had accumulated over the 80 years the school had been open.

After about an hour of movi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found a cucumber on the bathroom floor.

I looked at it, disgusted, and showed it to my wife.

I said, "Have you been masturbating with this?"

"No!" she gasped.

I said, "Then why is it covered in cobwebs?"

A landlord’s lesson…

A pub landlord is struggling with the cost of living crisis. Customers are down and costs are soaring. To get his business back on track, he decides the best way forward is to host an event to draw in new customers. Noticing the cobwebs in some of the dimly lit corners of the pub, he has a stroke of...

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The teacher was teaching the kids about starvation.

Being a good teacher,she decided to call on selected students to draw a picture of starvation on the board.


Sue went first, she drew a round circle with three little lines in the middle of the circle.


The teacher said, "That's very good Sue. What is it?"


Sue sa...

In medeval times, the town bell toller died, and the priest was looking for a replacement

The next day, a gent showed up and said he was perfect for the job. Without introducing himself, he charged up the bell tower steps, with the priest following behind.

Instead of pulling the rope to ring the bell, the man backed up to the wall of the tower, put his head down, and charged like...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hot buttered corn

Three guys have been walking thru the desert for 2 days. They are dehydrated, they are hungry, and they are tired.
One man believes he sees a house in the distance. They all accuse him of seeing a mirage until they all get a little closer and realize there is a house all alone in the middle of t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One spooky night on Halloween...

Chris, an urban adventurer. was looking to have some fun.

He decided that since it was Halloween, it would be the perfect time to explore a spooky house. He asked the locals if they knew of any, and they informed him of this abandoned mansion not to far from where he lived. He was warned cou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys are lost in the woods

They've been walking for a couple days with no food left and no water to drink. The 3 men are persistent in their search for some help and hike day and night until until they come across a small cabin in the woods. They see smoke drifting from chimney and what looks like a candle burning in the wind...

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