When do cherries chill out?

On a Sunday.

Our janitor invited me to chill out and smoke some weed in her apartment, but I declined.

I cannot deal with high maintenance women.

Ive seen this place, filled with hills and green grass, people party and eat and just chill out. They live for hundreds of years in peace. Virtually no crime. sunshine most days, nice families, quaint neighbourhood...

anyone else notice there are no black hobbits in the shire?

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A crusty old Marine Corps Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Colonel for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the Colonel said, "just ser...

The teacher told the girls in the class to start screaming and running out of class every time John lied

It was the perfect revenge prank

Once John entered, the teacher asked why he was late, he answered “They’re building a strip club right across my house”

The girls then started screaming and running out of class, John just looked confused and said

“chill out hoes they’re not hir...

Stopped by a cop

A guy driving a motorhome is stopped by a cop. The cop walks up to the window and tells the guy he stopped him because he had a brake light out. The guy jumps out of the motorhome, goes to the back, looks and starts crying. The cop says, "Chill out dude. It's only a brake light ticket"

Th...

A guy walks into a bar.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a dozen shots. The bartender brings them to the guy, and as the bartender is grabbing the cheque, he sees that the guy has already downed over half of his shots.

The bartender walks over to the guy and exclaims, "Woah buddy, you might wanna chill out over th...

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As a Muslim redditor, I feel disappointed...

That my posts never blows up.

Edit 1: Everyone says that my jokes are the bomb, but still this shit didn't explode.

Edit 2: KA-BOOOM!

Edit 3: For those wondering, I am a Muslim for real and I find this shit funny af so chill out guys, no need to hate on religions, we're at /r/jo...

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I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day.

I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full - the kid was screaming for candy, cookies... all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, this won’t take long. Just chill out.”

He had another outburst in the cer...

The hells angels are riding....

On January 13th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, California bikers were riding along Colorado Street in Pasadena when they saw a girl about to jump off Pasadena's Suicide Bridge. So they stopped.
John, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the S...

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The hundred dollar tattoo

Joe gets home late one night and his wife immediately gets on his case. “Where in the hell have you been?” She says.

“Chill out” He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo.”

“A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my johnson,” he ...

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Me: I’m afraid of the cold

Therapist: I see

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist chill out!

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

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Romance and music

I got into the house tonight and there was a lovely smell of a joint roasting.

Candles were lit, there was some chill out music playing and a bottle of wine was on the coffee table with two glasses.

I smiled and went into the kitchen, where she had her back to me.

I watched her ...

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When I get Tired.. I read this and laugh like hell. Must see if you are exhausted

I always look for a way to chill out after working for hours in front of my computer..and I never get bored reading the same lines I'm sharing here I smile each and every time..read,refresh and back to work!

Enjoy...



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you ...

A pothead goes to the beach.

It's pretty obvious that he's been smoking earlier that day.
He gets to the beach and it's a quiet day. He notices, however that there are all manner of sea birds squawking and flying around like crazy. They're diving in and out of the water and pestering the few people who were out that day. He ...

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people.

So overweight people are now average, which means you have met your New Year's resolution.


Happy new year!

Now I'm just going to wait till the end of 2016 and hope Obama says:

"Chill out guys, all of this was just a prank. I'm going for the 3rd term".

I think the weirdest thing about being dyslexic

Is the look the barista gives you when you add to the spit jar. Like I’m not the one who put it there, Kenlynn, chill out.

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The Pet Rabbit

One day I came home to find my dog burying something under the steps of my front porch. Upon closer inspection, it was the neighbor's family pet rabbit. I felt terrible.

Since it was only a little covered in dirt and the dog had not torn it up noticeably, I decided to make it as presentable a...

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a man and his cat walk into a bar...

bartender: Gentlemen, how can I help you?

man: One jack and coke please.

cat: and I'll have an ice and whiskey

bartender: Don't you mean whiskers?
*bartender giggles*

cat: Ha Ha. Very funny. Because i'm a cat right? Good one.

man: *begins to look bothered*
<...

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