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Be Happy Jokes

A Genie once granted me one wish, so I said “I just want to be happy”.

So now I’m living in a little cottage with 6 dwarfs, working in a mine and singing ?’Whistle while you work…….’ ?

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

Heard a Beach Boys song that sang, “We could be married…And then we’d be happy…”

And I was like “Whoa, fellas - you can’t have it both ways.”

Wife is not going to be happy

My wife said "you treat this place like a hotel"

She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff'

I prayed to god for my parents to be happy again.

Wait why is my hand turning to dust? What the hell is hap-

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married...

wish to be dead.

A wise man once said that for a man to be happy, he must:

1. Find a woman who cooks well and knows how to keep the house neat and tidy.
2. Be able to exchange conversation with a woman that is at the same level as he is, intellectually speaking.
3. Be satisfied with his partner in bed.
4. Find someone who shares his dreams, visions triumphs a...

If you're unhappy when single, you won't be happy in a relationship.

Happiness come from DRUGS not relationships.

Give a man a dog and he’ll be happy for a day.

But if you teach a man to dog....

Give a cat a box and he'll be happy for a day

Teach a cat to box and start wondering what you're doing with your life

Donald Trump must be happy today...

...now that Chyna is finally dead.

Every woman would be happy to have a new dress...

But she would be even happier to fit into an old one!

Two blondes are sitting at a bar...

Two blondes are sitting at a bar, obviously celebrating something. They wave over the bartender, and tell him to pour two more shots. Once poured, the two blondes clink their glasses together and say "42! YEAH!! 42!".

"Bartender, another round!"

Same thing happens on this shot. They c...

And out of the chaos, a voice spoke; "Smile and be happy, for it can always be worse"

And I smiled, and I was happy, and it did get worse.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping next to you, and be happy that you are alive?

I did and and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fan's of Marvel should be happy with the election results.

Looks like you'll be getting a Civil War sequel much earlier than anticipated.

Husband: “they say that you can’t be happy and sad at the same time”

Wife: “you have the biggest one between all your five brothers”

At Christmas we all deserve to be happy, so I got a puppy for my wife...

... it was a good trade

I told my girlfriend she needed to lose a bunch of weight if she wanted to be happy.

She agreed and lost almost 200 pounds by breaking up with me.

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

A child asks his father how to be happy. He replied, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married..."

"...and then it was too late."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly man living alone in Manchester wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard.

His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison (strange ways) . The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Paul,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be di...

3 1/2 Inches is the avg size a woman needs to be happy.

MasterCard, Visa, American Express, ect...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

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As told to me by an 85 year old shriner clown.

Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole. Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says "gee Susie, what's going on?"

Susie says "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious."

Mr. Johnson asks "why are you digging a hole?"

Susie replies "I'm burying my gol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

My wife said, "When I die, I want everyone at my funeral to be happy, not sad and depressed."

I said, "Don't worry. They will be."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George Washington and his men are looking for a place to stay one night after a long fight against the British...

After marching through the woods for some hours, they find a farm. Washington knocks on the door and the farmer answers. Washington says "excuse me sir, I'm sorry to bother you. My men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night?" The farmer look...

Jewish guy runs home from work, panting and trying to catch his breath.

He plops down at the kitchen table, where his wife was cooking dinner.

Wife asks, "What happened Motek? Why are you so exhausted?"

Guy says with a huge smile, "Chooki, instead of taking the bus home from work today, I ran all the way behind it and saved $2.50!"

He was extremely ...

I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.

Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

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A kid asks his Dad "what does 'gay' mean?"

The father says "It means 'to be happy." The son asks "Are you gay?" The father says "No, son. I have a wife."

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

If you lock up your girlfriend and dog in the trunk of a car for an hour...

which one is gonna be happy to see you when you open it up?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my favourite jokes from one of my favourite movies, Desperado. Originally delivered by my favourite director, Quentin Tarantino

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says...

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I have a new girlfriend

I should be happy because i have a new girlfriend. The Problem is that she has the same name as my sister.
Everytime we have sex now, i have to think of my girlfriend.

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to ...

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

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Guy walks into a pub….

….. he sits down and orders a beer.

A few moments later a guy walks in with a frog, and orders a beer. He places the frog on the counter. The bar keeper says to the man “why have you got a frog?”.

The second man says “I’ve got to sell it, my wife isn’t happy I have it.”

First ma...

I've invented a new game. You use small breath mints as playing pieces in the old-fashioned match-3-in-a-row game. I'd be happy to teach you my strategy for winning this game, but I'll have to charge you a small fee:

Call it a Tic Tac Tic-Tac-Toe Tactics Tax.

Jack was very fat and his wife was worried about him, so she made him see the doctor...

The doctor weighed him and said, "You must lose 30 kg. Eat only fruits and vegetables and jog 5 km a day for the next 100 days. Then give me a call and tell me how much you weigh."
Jack went home and did what the doctor told him. 100 days later, Jack called the doctor.
"Jack here. Y...

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