A young woman approached a salesman in a department store and said, "I need some batteries for my vibrator."

The salesman motioned with his finger and said, "Come this way."

"If I could come that way," she snapped, "I wouldn't need the damn vibrator."

I was falsely accused of throwing batteries at people

All charges were dropped

Batteries have more in common with Jesus than humans do

They don't sin and they come back from the dead

Did you know Navy ships run on commercial batteries?

They run on 7 C's

A police officer came across a pair of boys eating fireworks and batteries

He decided to charge one and let the other off

What's a clock when you take the batteries out?

Ticked off.

My remote control batteries died out today.

So I gave them away, free of charge.

There's a woman in the park sells batteries.

She sells C cells by the seesaw.

Why didn’t the AA batteries work on my flesh light?

Because my flesh light only takes a D.

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A couple lived near

the ocean and walked the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing, she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.


Generally, ...

I know how batteries feel.

I'm not included in most things either.

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My friend has a lucrative business supplying batteries for sex toys at the coast.

She sells C cells by the sea shore.

What do you call the game Operation without the batteries?

Autopsy

What happens when you reverse the batteries in the energizer bunny?

It keeps coming and coming and coming!

Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?"

Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid."

Modern batteries would not work without ionized lithium.

The ions appear to be pretty volatile, I've heard a lot of electronics factories are afraid of unionisation.

I bought some batteries

but they weren't included

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How are women's buttholes and 9 volt batteries alike?

You know you shouldn't, but eventually you'll put your tounge on it.

My mum has a small shop near the beach, where you can buy batteries ...

She sells C cells by the seashore.

As I was inserting my third battery into my new toy gift...

My dad remarked that this wasn’t the kind of puppy that needed batteries.

Merry Christmas!

Batteries

This year I'm getting my kids a set of batteries for christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

I saw a sign in a shop window that said "Watch batteries fitted, £2.50."

I thought “Why would anyone pay to see that?”

I’m selling my dead batteries.

They’re free of charge if you’re interested.

Little Johnny in class

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with the letters 'tor' that also ate things.

The first little boy said, 'Alligator'.

'Very good, Jimmy, that's a big word', said the teacher.

The next little boy said, 'Predator'.

'That's also a very good wor...

Passed an auto parts store today and saw a sign that read, “Dead batteries, $1”

I thought, those should be free of charge.

What do batteries and anti-vax kids have in common

The people who make them always say they last longer than they actually do.

I put some batteries in my mouse yesterday

And now I’m banned from the pet store

I have a small, hand-held battery tester for sale.

Batteries not included.

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm

Its loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel dizzy and sick.

I called my local recycling centre about what to do with old batteries.

They said they'd take them free of charge.

Why are phone batteries always so poor?

Because we keep charging them.

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A man is worried his wife is very ill.

So he takes her to the doctor. The doc runs batteries of tests, looking at every system in her body, and finally comes out to talk to the very worried man in his waiting room.

"Sir, I think we're narrowed down your wife's condition to two possibilities. She either has a serious venereal disea...

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Hosi pappa and sex

When Hosi pappa was 97, he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.

Oprah: "Mr. Hosi, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working, and at your age, I think that's remarkable."

Hosi pappa: "I just take good care of myself and enjoy whatever I do, plus as a Parsi we live ve...

During my job interview I was asked: “After a long week how do you normally recharge your batteries”

Apparently “through high voltage nipple clamps” wasn’t the answer they were expecting.

I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

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I totally understand how batteries feel...

I'm rarely ever included in things either.

Want to hear a joke about dead batteries?

There’s no charge.

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Why, what, who?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does...

I need to change the batteries in my watch,

but I just don't have the time

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