UPJOKE

All Time Favorite Jokes

My all time favorite: How do you catch a polar bear?

You cut a hole in the ice and line it with frozen peas. Then when the bear goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.

This is my all time favorite joke

Old man: I love my job

Young boy: all you do is round up sheep

Old man: what did you say to me?

Young boy: you herd

My all time favorite joke. American/Russian dog fight

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the...

I have never seen my all time favorite joke here, so I will submit relatively original content, enjoy!

There was a newspaper in a very small Midwestern farming town, comes out once a week with local news like the new library books, or the preachers sermon, and school fundraisers. One day the editor calls the reporter in and says, "I don't know what to do about the next issue. There isn't a damn thin...

My all time favorite lawyer joke.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW full of lawyers?

A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend of mine just improved one of my all time favorites.

Why don't you ever ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are very good at it

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Why do some elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in apple trees.

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What is the loudest sound in the forest?


A squirrel eating apples.

-...

My all time favorite joke.

There was once a man who had a wife. Every morning when the man woke up, he would let out a massive amount of gas for as long and as loud as he could. After this issue persisted for a long time, the mans wife began to get very angry at him. She would constantly say, "You're going to blow your guts o...

I just watched the cheesiest movies of all time.

3: The Havarti Boys


2: Goudafellas


And my all time favorite cheesy movie


1: The Guns of Provolone

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The aspiring comedian (not that funny but I made it myself)

So this aspiring comedian went to his local comedy club, like he did most weekends, and to his surprise his all time favorite comedian was doing a out of the blue performance at his local comedy club.

So he bought him self a ticket and proceeded to have one of the best nights of his life, ...

What's red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

This was my grandfathers all time favorite joke.

Pop Pop: What's red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

Me: I don't know...

Pop Pop: A Red dingle dangle of course!


Pop Pop: What's green and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

Me: A green dingle dangle!

Po...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy living in Kansas hears a voice in his head one day...

And this god like voice in his head says "LEAVE YOUR FAMILY, SELL EVERYTHING YOU OWN AND GO TO RENO, NEVADA"

The guy ignores it at first, and for as long as he can, but it just won't stop "SELL EVERYTHING, TAKE EVERY PENNY YOU HAVE, GO TO RENO"

So finally he can't take it anymore and h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

...and the bartender hands him an apple

So I was sitting at the bar one day, and I say to the bartender

"Hey barkeep, can I get a rum and coke?"

"Sure thing! Just give me one second!"

The bartender grabs the rum, he grabs the coke, and puts an apple on the bar

"Hey what the hell is this"

"Take a bite"...

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