Your Bed Jokes - 18 Hilarious Your Bed Jokes

How can you tell when there’s an orca under your bed?

The ceiling is a lot closer.

I recently read that it's beneficial to your mental well being to share your bed with your pets...

... but in hindsight, I probably should have left them in the aquarium.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they went to bed, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, they were both still wide awake and they both knew it.

He said: "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet under you...

Son: “Dad, can I sleep in your bed tonight? I’m scared...”

Dad: “No, son. I can’t risk the monster following you in here.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Making your bed is like making your butt hole look glorious.

No ones going to see it (except maybe your partner) and it's only going to get messed up at bed time.

How do you get a fat girl into your bed?

Piece of cake...

What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold down the pillow long enough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a homophobic monster under your bed...

That hates the monster in your closet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What costs £50,000 and sits on the end of your bed, taking the piss?

A dialysis machine

You should never masticate in your bed...

You'll get crumb everywhere.

What's better than a violin on your bed?

A fiddle between the sheets

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dedicated to Amber Heard

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and ...

Studies show that a fear of spiders means that you're more likely to find them in your bed...

... Then I should mention that I have a fear of beautiful women with long legs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.

One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony.

After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The hu...

What's worse then waking up to find a man in your bed?

Finding half a man.

They say that being scared of spiders increases the chances of them crawling into your bed while you are sleeping.

Personally, I am terrified of scarlett Johansson.

A little girl says to her mother, “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around” “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.”

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”

The little girl says, “Daddy to...

Hoe do you know if a snowman has been sleeping in your bed?

You wake up wet.

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